Merry Christmas everyone!

The Ambridge Observer is taking a Christmas break – not that we'll be propping up the bar at The Bull having a crisp-packet-popping contest with Barry Simmons and listening to Oliver Sterling's memories of Tuscany. Oh no. With everyone so stretched in Ambridge at the moment, we've already promised to help Clarrie dress the turkeys, Tom and Natasha plant their fruit trees and Jenny pack up the last of her second-best china. We drew the line at assisting Alistair with the aftermath of Bess eating a whole bowlful of Jill's Christmas pudding mixture. You can also expect to see us standing in for various roles at the Canterbury Tales, none of which, we sincerely hope, will involve a stunt bottom.
Have a wonderful Christmas everyone; thanks for reading this year and for all your lovely comments. See you in 2019!

Tom in love, Roy on a mission and Susan in a rage

Bridge Farm kefir gets the chop 

Tom Archer has announced that Bridge Farm has discontinued its range of kefir drinks with immediate effect. The fruit-flavoured drinks, which are made with fermented milk from Bridge Farm’s own goats, were launched a year ago but have not met profit expectations.

‘We – that’s my girlfriend Natasha and I – think it’s better to withdraw the product before it goes too far,’ said Mr Archer. ‘She pointed out that we hadn’t actually sold any and that we were being silly billies to think that we could. Absolute genius.’

Staff currently employed making the kefir will be redeployed at Bridge Farm.  ‘It really only affects Susan Carter, who was appointed kefir manager,’ said Mr Archer. ‘But she’ll be fine with it, once we can coax her down from her one-woman protest on the dairy roof.’

It's the Ambridge Observer Prize* Crossword!

To celebrate the relaunch of Bored Game Night (surely, Board Game? Ed) at the Bridge Farm Tearoom, here’s a fiendish puzzle to keep you keen and competitive between sessions! 

*Terms and conditions apply. There is no actual prize.

Across

1 Natasha is made of sugar and spice – but not this one

8  ‘No one …. takes me seriously,’ claims joy-riding badger-killer Ben

11 ‘My Neil looks like Poldark without these’

14 Lily and Elizabeth decide to have themselves a merry little one

Down

2 Rabbits and Natasha eat like this, apparently

3 He’s doing sterling work behind the bar

4 Already well-trained in begging treats from Jill?

5 Do it to the pudding and make a wish

6 Who knew Justin had so much hair here?

7 Garments that Lynda will never, ever recycle

9 It was Nic’s, and Fallon wants to use it, but will Will wear it? 

10 Tom’s decision to ditch it gives Susan a sour taste

12 Brian and Jennifer have had one, and Jazzer would love Hannah to make one

13 What Roy is willing to become for Lexi 

Your Week in The Stars

Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for readers:

Capricorn

Your kind heart and gentle manner mean you find yourself in the 'friend zone' more often than you would like, but a recent 'brief encounter' over a Christmas tree may see you and a young lady wishing on a romantic star come the New Year. But beware artistic types who may have other ideas.

Libra

Sometimes it is hard for creative Librans to persuade others to share their vision. But those who are involved in Christmas productions should rise above the petty concerns of whiffy costumes, dodgy props and reluctant actors to bring their gift of epic drama to a grateful world!

Scorpio

A move is in the offing for Scorpios, but resist the pressure from those close to you to act quickly, or you may spend Christmas Eve unpacking boxes in a rented bungalow outside Darrington, instead of enjoying your customary cognac and cigars in front of a roaring fire. 

Letter to The Editor

Dear Madam,

Please will you help me convince my girlfriend that we can be together and that she is the love of my life? She says our long-distance relationship can’t work and that if she stays in England, or I go to Bulgaria, we will make our families miserable. So, through the pages of your newspaper, will you allow me to try to convince her not to give up on us, by printing this special message? I translated it from a phrase book we often use in Grey Gables, where I work. Thank you! Roy Tucker.

Urazhaemi Leksi 

Blagodarim vi, che rezervirate dvoĭna staya za tri noshtuvki. Tsenata vklyuchva pŭlna angliĭska zakuska, bezplatno wi-fi i bezplatno kopie na Borchester Echo.

[Note to subs: according to Google Translate, this seems to be confirming a reservation of a double room for three nights, including a full English breakfast, free wi-fi and a complimentary copy of the Borchester Echo. But leave it as it is; maybe it means something to them. Ed.]

Tom's elated, Russ is deflated and Brian's still got it at 75

Aldridge hailed as saviour of the shoot

Brian Aldridge of Home Farm was described as a hero for saving the day after a Borchester Land shoot was disrupted by vandals this week. ‘There was so much damage to the morning drives I thought I’d have to cancel, and Martyn Gibson would’ve been ever so cross,’ said gamekeeper Will Grundy. ‘But Mr Aldridge knew exactly what to do. He said we should start with the afternoon drives instead, and do the morning drives after lunch, once the birds had come back to roost. He’s a genius and no mistake.’

Mr Aldridge said he was happy to help, even though he is no longer responsible for the shoot. ‘Experience tells, and I’m delighted the guns had a good day,’ he said. ‘And anyone who suggests I went joyriding and caused the damage myself, just to prove I’ve still got the old magic even though I’m 75 now, will be hearing from my lawyers.’

STOP PRESS: Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) confirmed the damage was caused by a stolen pick-up found abandoned near Willow Farm. ‘I conducted extensive enquiries,’ he said. ‘I asked David Archer where his boys were that night, and he said they were tucked up in bed, so that’s absolutely fine. I was hoping it wasn’t anyone in the village, to be honest, as it was my day off.’ 

Canterbury Tales script gets mixed reviews

Lynda Snell’s ground-breaking approach to The Canterbury Tales, which blends the classic text with references to present-day Ambridge, is causing controversy among the cast. 

At a rehearsal this week, Eddie Grundy, who witnesses said was already ‘well refreshed’ after a visit to the cider shed, objected to the lines: ‘If I say things wrong or arse about, it’s not me talking it’s the pint of Shires I’ve had.’  

‘Eddie was in quite a strop,’ said a cast member. ‘He said the lines didn’t rhyme or scan and were an insult as he only says things arse about after five pints of Shires, not one. And he said a line about his old man describing a woman as ‘fit as a ferret’ was disrespectful to Joe. There was quite a scene. I thought he was going to walk off the show.’

But other actors said they thought rehearsals were going well. ‘Me and Ed really like our script from The Knight’s Tale,’ said Emma Grundy. ‘Especially: ‘Ed and me want our own house, instead of sleeping in a ditch, but we are poor and not very rich; and Hannah Riley is a smelly old…’  (That’s enough. Ed).

Karate stars’ time to shine

Ambridge’s very own karate kids were celebrating this week after receiving their red belts, marking their achievement after a term of classes.

‘I’m very proud of all the pupils,’ said the sensei Mr Lee. ‘They’ve done well, especially Keira Grundy, who can now keep still for more than five seconds, and Henry Archer, who managed a whole class without biting anyone or pushing them over.’

The juniors will start working towards their yellow belts after Christmas and Mr Lee said his next goal is to work with the adult class to help them improve their skills. ‘Adults can be more challenging as people bring different experiences to the class,’ he said.’For example, Helen Archer turned a very funny colour when I said I’d love to give her a belt.’

Ask Auntie Satya 

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your emotional and practical dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My girlfriend – or should I say, my muse – left our love-nest in Manchester to visit her sick mother last week and seems reluctant to return even though I call her several times a day. I’m concerned she is missing her university studies, and as an artist, I find myself staring at the empty canvas without her to inspire me. Also, I’m running out of clean clothes and I don’t know how to work the washing machine. How can I persuade her to come home? Russ.

Dear Russ, 

This separation must be difficult for both of you. In your longer letter, you tell me your girlfriend’s grant and part-time earnings pay the rent on your flat while you explore the Manchester art scene. Perhaps if you were to look for a paid job, this would help pass the time until your girlfriend resumes her duties as muse, housekeeper and breadwinner? Just in case she is away for longer than you think.

Dear Auntie Satya,

Since my girlfriend came back from a visit to her family in Bulgaria, things have not been right between us. She says she still loves me, but she’s moved out of our home, turned down the job I arranged for her and is staying with friends, for whom she’s agreed to be a surrogate mother (sorry Auntie Satya, it’s a bit complicated).  I’m determined to get her back. What would you advise? Roy.

Dear Roy, 

You tell me you’ve tried scented candles, baking her favourite Bulgarian dessert and giving her plenty of space, especially in the bedroom department. With the festive season approaching, I suggest you try a trip to Birmingham Christmas market, a selection of horror novels and a reminder that if she marries you now, she may be able to jump the employment queue ahead of Brexit. But if none of these appeals to her, I’m afraid you may have to let this lady go.  

Dear Auntie Satya,

My housemate and I have had a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, but recently I spent the night with the woman of my dreams. I told my housemate how amazing it was and how I was grateful to her for being such a good sport and helping me get back in the saddle, relationships-wise. But instead of being happy for me, she just screamed and tipped a pan of spaghetti carbonara down my trousers. What did I do wrong? Tom.  

Dear Tom,

If you really have to ask this question, I fear there is no point in my expending any energy at all on replying to you. 

Jill lets fly, a new face at The Bull and a shock for Lily ...

Planners face fruity protest

Mrs Jill Archer of Brookfield was ejected from a Borsetshire District Council planning meeting last week after causing a major disruption.

Mrs Archer, a former Ambridge parish councillor, was objecting to an application by Damara Capital to reduce the number of affordable homes in its Beechwood development near Bridge Farm, Ambridge. 

But when the planning committee voted to grant the application, Mrs Archer produced a large basket from under her seat and pelted councillors with fruit  flapjacks.

‘It was the only way to make them listen,’ said an unrepentant Mrs Archer. ‘This decision just means more profits for Damara and fewer affordable houses that are really needed in Ambridge. Throwing flapjacks may be drastic, but it worked when we protested about the Duxford sisters and Les Soeurs Heureuses. No one has heard of them since.’

A spokesperson for Borsetshire District Council said it would not bring charges against Mrs Archer. ‘Obviously we can't condone such behaviour, but the democratic process will not be derailed by flying flapjacks, no matter how tasty,’ she said. 

New senior staff at The Bull

The Bull in Ambridge is rolling out its plan to attract a younger crowd by appointing Oliver Sterling as part-time barman in the run-up to Christmas. ‘Oliver is well-known in the British Legion, the Darby & Joan club and the U3A,’ said landlord Kenton Archer. ‘As most of our customers are in their nineties, he’ll lower the demographic by at least 10 years. It will be good for Joe Grundy and Bert Fry to have a young whipper-snapper behind the bar.’

‘I was rattling around at Grey Gables, so I’m looking forward to the new challenge,’ said Mr Sterling. ‘If I can just get my head round this new-fangled decimal currency I’m sure I’ll be fine.’ 

Rats turn tails at The Tales

Lynda Snell’s Christmas production of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales suffered another setback this week when the resident rats at Brookfield, who were due to appear as extras, downed tools. ‘Our barn has been cleaned and dusted and our nests swept away,’ said a spokesrat for the troupe.  ‘We can’t be expected to work in these intolerable conditions, so we're moving to Lower Loxley, where we believe we’ll feel much more at home.’

Can you help Hilda find a furrever home?

Hilda is a bright, lively little girl who can be a tiny bit grumpy at times. She loves smaller animals, especially minced, and has favourite tricks, like lying very still on the stairs and leaping up when an old lady is coming down. Surprise!! Hilda would be happier in a large home without any soft furnishings or valuable objects. She can be a little bit challenging around children, older people, dogs, postmen and vets. Could you find it in your heart to make Hilda your next fur baby? If so, when collecting her, please wear eye protectors and industrial gauntlets, and bring a net and a trident.  Apply: Cutiekits Cat Rehoming, Penny Hassett. 

The Trials of Lily Pargetter

In the latest chapter of our passionate Autumn saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine finds herself torn between love and duty…

‘Lily darling! Is there any spirulina and kale smoothie left? My tum-tum is a little bit growly this morning.’ Lily looked up from her essay and suppressed a sigh as Russ appeared in the doorway, rubbing his stomach under his shortie silk kimono.

‘I don’t know, sorry. I’m trying to finish this, and then I’ve got to get to work…’ Russ gave her his disappointed face. ‘Oh, sweetie,’ he said. ‘You wouldn’t want Russ to start on his new masterpiece without a healthy breakfast, now would you?’

He came over and ruffled her hair, which for some reason she didn’t find as endearing as usual. ‘No, of course not darling,’ she said, reaching for her purse. ‘I’ll just go down to the organic shop and… Russ? I thought we had £20 left for the weekend?’

He looked sheepish. ‘Oh, sorry darling. I needed some more Burnt Umber and just couldn’t resist…’ Catching her angry frown, he said: ‘Don’t worry my pet; it will all be fine when my paintings start selling…’

‘Well, maybe if you could just finish one first…’ Lily bit her lip to avoid starting another row. ‘OK! I’ll be back soon.’ She rushed out of the flat,  but as she reached the deli her phone pinged with a message. Probably Russ, reminding her to get some sourdough. But no, it was Johnny Phillips. ‘Hey Lily, reckon you should come home. Your mum’s in a bit of a state…’ 

* 

Ambridge! Lily’s eyes began to water, and not just at the smell from the Berrow Farm pig unit. She got out of the Uber she’d taken from Hollerton Junction, putting her credit card under even more strain, and walked down the familiar drive to Lower Loxley. Oh dear, she thought. Johnny was right to text her. The drive was overgrown, the windows dirty. And where was Geraldine, who was usually bustling about with her clipboard? 

Pushing her way through a mound of unopened mail, she found Elizabeth in the office, hunched over her laptop, surrounded by piles of paper and dirty coffee cups. The phone was ringing, but she ignored it and it clicked onto a message: ‘Elizabeth? It’s Oliver. I’m awfully worried about our Hunt Ball bucking bronco. Call me back?’ But her mum was oblivious as she hammered furiously away at the keyboard, pens stuck in her hair and an agonised expression on her face.

‘Mum? Is that you?’  Elizabeth spun round and stared at her, unseeing, then suddenly broke into a beaming smile. ‘Lily, darling! I wasn’t expecting you!’

She swept her up into a hug. There was an unwashed aroma, reminding Lily slightly of Berrow Farm. 

‘Mum? What’s going on? And where’s Geraldine?’ 

‘Oh, I sacked her. No, she walked out. Anyway, she’s not here. Who cares? Now, what have you heard about Freddie?’

Lily surveyed the chaos, and sank into the nearest chair. Her phone buzzed yet again – another message from Russ, asking when she’d be back and where she’d  put his clean socks. She switched it off. To think she’d dreamed of coming home for some TLC and a cash handout! ‘Welcome to the real world, Lily,’ she smiled ruefully to herself.

To be continued….  

  

Trouble for Tom, Jim ruffles feathers and another new arrival at Brookfield

Ambridge pilgrims make slow progress

With rehearsals of Lynda Snell’s Canterbury Tales barely under way, creative differences in the production team are already causing tensions, according to sources.

‘Lynda's very proud of her script, which she claims is a sensitive, modern and compelling reworking of the classic text,’ said a cast member. ‘For example, she thinks that Harry Bailey, host of the Tabard Inn, should give each pilgrim a polyester tabard and a name badge, so the audience can relate the telling of tales to the gossip one hears at the village shop.

‘When Jim Lloyd said this was Chaucer, not Coronation Street, I thought Lynda was going to deck him. Something’s got to give or there will be no Christmas production at this rate.’

Contacted for comment, Mrs Snell said rumours of rows were greatly exaggerated. ‘Of course, there will be teething troubles while people settle into their roles,’ she said. ‘Jim is tremendously valuable as my script supervisor, as long as he remembers he is supervising my script, not writing his own. I cannot allow the full and final flowering of my genius to be marred by pettifogging details about historical accuracy or cultural integrity.’

Pet of the Week

Name: Bess

Belongs to: Ben Archer, Brookfield

Job: trainee sheep dog

Likes: long walks, sleeping in the shed (or she will when she gets used to it) 

Dislikes: being taken away from her brothers and sisters (oh, stop it. She’s a working dog. Ed.)

Do say: ‘She’s got a sharp eye. No wonder Farmer Barker thought she was a fine choice.’

Don’t say: ‘Hope Ben doesn’t run her over with the farm pick-up like he did that poor badger.’

The Trials of Tom Archer 

In the latest chapter of our passionate Autumn saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our hero dares to dream. Is the love he longs for finally within his reach?

Tom was pacing the yard, waiting for Natasha to arrive. Having ignored his texts for weeks, suddenly she seemed keen to meet. But was it him, or the need to find new domestic markets, given the growing uncertainty over post-Brexit fruit export arrangements, that drew her to Bridge Farm? Soon, he would find out….

His phone buzzed.  ‘Oh hi Hannah mate,’ he grinned. ‘I’m a bit busy for a shag at lunchtime – Natasha’s coming and you know I prefer her. But maybe we could hook up later?’

‘Don’t you lunchtime me, Tom Archer,’ she scolded. ‘I was just about to tell you why I don’t trust men, because my dad left when I was little, so you’d come to love me and we could have a wonderful time at the glittering Nuffield awards gala in Glasgow. But you can stuff your invitation. I’m going to take my rage out on Duncan the tardy pigman instead.’

‘Oh, OK then… but I’m still up for a Netflix and chill…’ There was a strangled scream and a crash, as if Hannah had thrown her mobile across the room. Tom shook his head and smiled ruefully. Women, eh? He’d never understand them…   

*

Half an hour later, Tom and Natasha were sitting in a cosy alcove of the Bridge Farm tea room, each with one of Fallon’s Marshmallow and Toffee Apple Mochachocacappuccinos.

‘If you don’t mind me asking, old girl, have you lost a bit of condition? If you were a pig I’d be supplementing your ration!’ He smiled at his own wit, but to his dismay her blue, saucer-like eyes brimmed with tears. ‘Oh Tom,’ she sniffed. Her sexy Welsh lilt reminded him of his mother when she was younger. ‘It’s heartbreak. You see, I was with Gethin for 10 years, but it wasn’t working. So I had to finish things, and it didn’t seem right to be texting you and well, you know… when I felt bad about hurting him.’  She looked up through long, dark lashes that reminded Tom of one of the prettier Anguses. His heart melted. ‘Oh, Natasha,’ he breathed. ‘I so understand.  Driving a hard bargain for bulk supplies of fruit drinks is the last thing you need. You deserve so much better.’

He got up and reached out to her. Smiling nervously, she put her hand – soft, but with a hint of assertiveness that thrilled him – in his. ‘What did you have in mind, Tom?’ she asked, with an irresistibly seductive smile. Tom didn’t hesitate. ‘A quick tour of the agroforestry site. I’m desperate to know your views on cultivator and compost versus sub-soiler and mulch!’

To be continued…    

Letter to the Editor   

Dear Madam,

I would like to put the record straight about recent events at Lower Loxley, following the pack of lies published in your gutter-press rival, the Borchester Echo, last week. (Liking this so far. Ed.)

It was quite wrong to say that my son Freddie is an imprisoned drug dealer. He is a victim of a miscarriage of justice, having made a silly mistake because he is an orphan – not the same thing at all.  Secondly, Lower Loxley has not lost its alcohol licence. It is currently being looked after for safe-keeping by Borchester District Council, which again is quite different.

Thirdly, we have not lost a lot of valuable bookings. The fact is, a number of clients have respectfully decided to withdraw, leaving me the time I need to fret about my son.

And lastly, the fuss about the Hallowe’en event was completely overblown. If anyone was upset, it was Roy Tucker’s fault. He would terrify anyone, bearing down on families with his clipboard, bullying them into asking for refunds. In what universe is it any of his business? Just because he’s never forgiven me for dumping him after our… well, anyway. And in any case Geraldine, who no longer works for Lower Loxley, was responsible for booking the act. 

I do hope this clarifies the situation and would like to offer your readers a warm welcome to our legendary Deck the Hall festive events. And if anyone publishes more lies about my family or my business, they will soon find out that ‘Attack of the Mummy’ was a walk in the park compared to the fright they will get from my lawyers.

Yours sincerely

Elizabeth Pargetter    

Hallowe’en horror at Lower Loxley 

Cllr Grundy: 'It was
like this, but more scary.'

Parish Councillor Emma Grundy has reported Lower Loxley to Borchester Trading Standards Office for putting on a Hallowe’en event that she said was ‘too scary’.

‘We were expecting Frightful Family Fun at Spookylicious Gardens, with face-painting and marshmallows for the kiddies and that,’ said Cllr Grundy. ‘It was all fine when we arrived. There were some ghastly old goblins jumping out from behind bushes making terrible noises, but my lot are used to that, living with my grandfather-in-law Joe and his leaky bowel. 

‘But it was a different story at the Attack of the Mummy on the Treetop Walk. We all watched as the mummy rose out of the coffin and wrapped the archaeologist in bandages. But when he pushed him off the walk and he was just hanging there, with blood gushing from his eyes… it was disgusting. My George had to play three games of  Resident Evil 7 Biohazard to calm himself down.’ 

Lower Loxley assistant manager Geraldine (surname? Ed) said she was sorry if guests were upset and offered a full refund to anyone who requested one. 

But Cllr Grundy said this was inadequate. ‘If Elizabeth Pargetter thinks she can fob us off with cash she can think again,’ she said. ‘No amount can make up for what my kiddies have been through. Unless it’s enough to put a deposit on a new house. That would do it.’  

Roy Tucker, who attended the event with his small daughter and is a former manager at Lower Loxley, said it was a ‘health and safety nightmare’.

‘Luckily I always keep a hi-vis jacket in the Skoda, so I popped it on and used my marshalling skills with the crowd,’ he said. ‘Otherwise it could have got very ugly in the car park.’   

Ambridge Women’s Institute: an apology

Unfortunately, due to a mix-up on the subs’ desk, last week’s issue contained a number of serious errors. Reports on Bridge Farm’s acquisition of a new dairy herd, and Brookfield’s plans to feed bakery waste to their beef cattle, were confused with details of the Women’s Institute’s Cake-a-Thon for BBC Children in Need. 

We sincerely apologise for:

• describing the W.I. membership as a large number of old cows, some of them into their 12th lactation

• suggesting that the W.I. will be baking a mountain of mouldy bread, stale sponges and smashed Bourbons for their charity sale

• implying that WI members are not prone to mastitis but need to have their udders felt often, especially in winter

• reporting that W.I. baked goods are only fit for consumption when mixed with chopped straw and high-protein silage.

To recognise the offence and embarrassment caused, we are organising our own Children in Need event. The reporters responsible for the mix-up will be placed in stocks on the village green to allow W.I. members, led by Mrs Jill Archer, to throw flapjacks at them. 

Method in her Chaucer madness

Rehearsals for the Ambridge production of The Canterbury Tales started this week, and director/auteur Lynda Snell says her cast will be ‘fully immersed’ in the atmosphere of medieval England.

 ‘I wanted the actors to feel what it is to be cold and hungry, sitting on a rough stone floor in half-darkness, surrounded by dirt, vermin and farm animals – so where better to start our journey than Brookfield?’ she said.  ‘Unfortunately, there were too many of us to fit in the kitchen, so we had to use the barn instead. But Ruth Archer has said she’ll take her Chaucer hat off long enough to run the Hoover over the sitting room for our next rehearsal.’ 

Coffee break with… ‘Mr Lee’

 In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with much-loved Ambridge martial arts instructor ‘Mr Lee’.

Q Ambridge parents say you’re great with children. What’s your secret?

A I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way…

Q But how do you manage when children display challenging behaviour in class?

A It’s all about getting them to look for the hero inside themselves,  until they find the key to their lives.

Q How do you motivate children to do their best?

A I ask them: ‘What have you done today to make yourself proud?’

Q And finally, do your friends ever call you Bruce?

A No. Are we done here? 

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: a side-splitting comedy special: 

Dumb & Dumber’s Excellent Adventure 

Join smooth-talking boarding school twit Ruairi (Dumb) and his bestie, nice-but-gullible Ben (Dumber) on their wild and wacky night-ride in various unroadworthy farm vehicles, as they practise doughnuts, give it a dab of oppo and cane the dips at Leeders, stopping only to hit badgers and wriggle out of a proper wigging from Will the gamekeeper.  (Running time 90 mins: feels like 3 hours). 

What the critics say:

“Check your common sense at the door and you’ll soon be ‘Ruairi’ with laughter and ‘Bent’ double with giggles at this no-brainer of a cinema delight.” Tristram Hawkshaw, Borchester Echo.

  

Lynda's inspired, Helen's confused and ghoulish goings-on at Lower Loxley

Spooky success for stately home  

This year's Hallowe'en attraction at Lower Loxley is proving a big hit with visitors, who say it's one of the spookiest sights they've ever seen.
'We didn't even realise there was a special Hallowe'en event, until we got to the gates and found them locked with rusty chains, covered in cobwebs and with rubbish blowing about everywhere,' said Mrs Jackie Lantern of Acocks Green. 'We thought it was closed, but then this terrifying zombie staggered down the drive towards us. She was white as a sheet, with red eyes and hair all wild and tangled.
'When she got close to us she started clutching at my Gary through the bars and rasping "Are you a lawyer? I need a lawyer for my Freddie. I'll pay anything..."
'Gary thought he'd play along so he said he wasn't a lawyer, but he'd seen a few episodes of Judge Rinder on TV and would that do? The zombie started cackling like a banshee, unlocked the gates and dragged him inside. The children were proper scared, it was great. But then we realised the Orangery wasn't open and we all fancied a vampire blood hot chocolate, so we went to Pumpkin Paradise at Netherborne Hall instead.'

Snell reveals vision behind Canterbury cavalcade

First rehearsal of The Canterbury Tales at Brookfield

Ambridge is promised 'the most lavish entertainment it has ever seen' as Lynda Snell prepares for her epic staging of The Canterbury Tales this Christmas. The Ambridge Observer was treated to a sneak preview of the production, which will take place at Brookfield by kind permission of David and Ruth Archer. Mrs Snell describes her reworking of Chaucer's stories as a challenge for the audience, who will see all their 'secret loves, desires and fears' reflected as the drama plays out in the barn and farmyard setting.
'I was musing on how to express the full and final flowering of my muse, while relaxing in the shepherd's hut with Robert and Monty,' said Mrs Snell. 'Suddenly, I had the kind of creative vision that very few are privileged to experience. It occurred to me that every single person in Ambridge is in fact an actor. At once, the scale of the production became clear. There will be a role for everyone in the village. Yes, even Sabrina Thwaite, whose voice doesn't project as far as her bust, or Nathan Booth, whose range of expression was severely tested by playing the back half of a horse.'
Mrs Snell added that people would have to be bussed in from other villages to make up the audience, as everyone in Ambridge would be in the show. 'This is a minor detail,' she said. 'I'm sure that spectators will flock to see the most ambitious and unforgettable event that Ambridge - nay, Borsetshire – has ever seen.'
 

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is back to help with all your emotional and practical problems.

Dear Auntie Satya,

The sensei at my karate class (that means instructor, by the way) is attractive and also seems very emotionally available; he's helped my son with his anxieties and is always kind and attentive to me. Last week he asked if he could touch me to get me into the right position, and I said that was OK, but the physical contact brought back bad memories of my abusive ex-husband. Will I ever be free of the past? Helen.

Dear Helen,

Firstly, thank you for explaining what a sensei is. It is many years since I attained my 10th dan, but rest assured I still know my way round a dojo. It is difficult to recover from the kind of trauma you describe in your longer letter. I would advise you to take things slowly with your sensei. Any romance between you must be based on openness and trust. Tell him about your fears and if he is as sensitive as you hope, you will soon have no difficulty with him touching you to get you in the right position. That was certainly my experience.

Dear Auntie Satya, 

I am exhausted bringing up my baby daughter as a single mum; she keeps me up at night and I find myself falling asleep in lamb marketing meetings, which is embarrassing as I used to be the go-to girl for cost-effective packaging. So I suggested to my ex, the baby's father, that he stays over a couple of nights a week. We're sharing the bed as the sofa is hard and lumpy. Do you agree this is a sensible arrangement? Pip.

Dear Pip,

Please ask your baby daughter to write to me instead, as I expect she has more common sense than you and her father put together. In the meantime, I strongly advise you to invest in a more comfortable sofa.

Dear Auntie Satya, 

My friend is keen on a girl who I think is wrong for him, so I told him she's a two-faced, nasty, interfering cow who loves stirring up trouble. He took offence and said I'd taken all the fun out of the 'pin the maggot on the apple' game we were playing at the time. I still think I did the right thing as people need to know the truth. What do you think? Emma.

Dear Emma,

In your longer letter you tell me you have a history of speaking your mind and then regretting it. We all care about our friends, but we have to let them make their own mistakes – and you may be wrong about this girl's character. Apologise to your friend, so at least if either of them comes to a sticky end – for example, being crushed by a pig ark or trampled by a herd of weaners – your conscience will be clear.

Classified advertisements

FOR SALE

Collection of catering equipment: salmon kettle, copper casserole pans, Le Creuset dishes, serving platters, cake tins, etc. No longer required as Pam Gibson is taking over the shoot lunches, so from now on the guns will be lucky if they get a Charlie Bigham's pie from Waitrose and some ready-made coleslaw. Contact: jennifer.aldridge@homefarm.co.uk 

  

Brian's bored, Bert's concerned and Burns strikes again

Burns claims new arrest record

Borsetshire's Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has said his tally of arrests has risen by 100 per cent over the summer, a new record for the area.

'I hope residents will feel safer knowing that policing performance has improved so dramatically,' said PC Burns, who told a packed press conference that he arrested Jolene Archer,  landlady of The Bull in Ambridge, for anti-social behaviour at a family party last week.

'I warned Mrs Archer about her aggressive competitiveness while we were playing a board game, Escape from Atlantis,' he said. 'But she persisted in drowning my Atlanteans and crowing about it in a provocative manner. She left me no option but to arrest her for hurting the feelings of a police officer, which as we all know is a hate crime. And if it isn't, it should be. That game has been my favourite since childhood and she has ruined it for me.'

After taking a moment to compose himself, PC Burns went on to point out that, with the conviction of Freddie Pargetter for drug-dealing, his clear-up rate doubled from one arrest to two in the past year.

'It's all in a day's work for me,' he said, modestly. 'And make no mistake, I would have arrested Lynda Snell for allowing Monty to foul on the village green, if Robert Snell hadn't been so nifty with the poop scoop and bio-degradable scented bag. Let criminals of Borsetshire be aware: we never sleep.'

Brexit: what do millennials think?

As Brexit negotiations enter their final crucial phase, we asked some of the younger generation for their views:

Tom Archer: 'Brexit? Ooh, tricky one. I'd have to ask Natasha, my Nuffield scholarship colleague.  She's so smart, she's bound to have built it into her business strategy. Thanks though – you've given me another reason to ring her!'  

Josh Archer: 'Brexit's going to be fantastic for my business. When farmers find out they'll have a three-year wait for a shiny new tractor, they'll be queuing up for my pre-loved, reconditioned models at a premium price. I won't even need to bother scrubbing off the rust and pumping the tyres up, like I do now. Bring it on!'

Johnny Phillips: 'I think Brexit will help me as we're getting some French cows at Bridge Farm and I thought I'd have to learn French, but Josh says I'll be able to make them speak English instead. Josh is brilliant. He's letting me do all the milking at Brookfield so I can practise.'

Hannah Riley: 'People make far too much fuss about it. They should just get on with it. Like, I'm dating Chad, but Tom's my housemate, so why not? We're both adults and a bit of sexy time never... what? Oh, Brexit! Sorry, misheard. Never mind, have you got a few minutes now? I'll just ditch these overalls.. '    That's more than enough vox pop. Ed.  

Autumn Charity Appeal

As the days shorten and winter draws near, we ask for your support to help vulnerable older people in our community. People who have given so much, and expect so little. People like Brian. Only a few months ago, Brian was a respected landowner who nearly won the Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year award. Now, thanks to a silly misunderstanding over a toxic chemical spill and a multi-million pound clean-up bill, Brian is a broken man. Instead of presiding over board meetings and barking out orders, he is forced to spend his days:

• helping to chop vegetables for lunch

• complaining about his stepson’s pesticide regime   

• pretending to take an interest in the welfare of elderly relatives.

Please help Brian regain his self-esteem, so he can hold court at the Golf Club bar again, boring everyone with his newly acquired opinions about opportunities for meat exports after Brexit. 

Even a small donation will make a difference, especially to Brian’s wife Jennifer, who can’t wait to get him out from under her feet. Thank you. 

Poem of The Week

Thank you to Bert Fry, the Bard of Borsetshire, for sending us this moving poem, written in honour of his employer Elizabeth Pargetter. 

Lament for Lower Loxley

Now in our lives we all have trouble,

But poor Elizabeth, she has double.

Her son Freddie’s brought terrible shame

On the noble Pargetter name.

In youth offenders’ he does languish,

Causing his mum unbearable anguish.

And while she’d move the earth to free him,

He won’t even let anyone see him.

And in the family there are still hard feelings,

Now they know about Freddie’s dealings.

They can’t manage to forgive and forget

That he put Noluthando in a hospital bed.

So I took Elizabeth on the Tree Top Walk,

And her and me had a little talk.
For while she's in such an anxious state,
She's neglecting work on the estate.

The shrubs need pruning, the lawn's a sight,
Poor Geraldine's toiling day and night.
But though she said she'd heed my words
I don't think Elizabeth really heard.

Young Lily would see the state we're in,
But she's at uni, living in sin.
And so I fear we'll all rue the day
That Master Pargetter was put away. 

Pets of the Week

Names: Gladys and Gloria

Belong to: Jill Archer, Brookfield

Likes: Foraging, squabbling, being shut up safely at night

Dislikes: Josh Archer, foxes, nearly being massacred

Do say: ‘Well done for hiding in the orchard. So sorry about your friends.’

Don’t say: ‘Calm down, ladies. You’re running round like headless chickens.'

Special supplement: The Archers Listeners' Flower and Produce Show!

Hot-shot  lawyer takes up desperate mum’s appeal

A lawyer famous for his high-profile clients says he is confident there are grounds to appeal the sentence of a year in detention that was handed down to Freddie Pargetter of Lower Loxley last week.

Freddie’s mother Elizabeth retained ‘Tech’ Nick Allity after claiming that her son, 18, was unsafe in the young offenders’ institute where he was sent from Borchester Crown Court, following his conviction for dealing class A drugs.

‘My poor Freddie will never survive in that place, with people like that,’ she said. ‘There are no scented candles, the pillows are synthetic and there’s no menu to choose from at lunch, as he is used to. And all my so-called friend Usha Franks suggested was to calm down and have a nice cup of tea.’

Mr Allity, who recently hit the headlines for getting a Premier League footballer off a fraud charge on the grounds that he was too stupid to deceive anyone, said there were aspects of the case that gave serious cause for concern.

‘Gimme a break. The cop who arrested this fine young man was out on his bachelor party, dressed as a broad and under the influence of hard liquor,’ said New York-born Mr Allity. ‘Show me anyplace in the Police and Criminal Evidence Act where that’s legal. We’ll have Mr Pargetter out of jail as fast as his mom can transfer 100,000 US to my offshore bank account.’

Snell to bow out in style

Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell has vowed that this year’s Christmas production, which will be her last, will cement her reputation as ‘Borsetshire’s Greatest Show-woman.’

‘Like P.T. Barnum, I feel that, in my own small way, I too have the gift of the business we call show,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘So what could be more fitting than to re-stage, in Ambridge, the story of a visionary who rose from humble beginnings to create a spectacle that became a worldwide sensation?

‘That said, my production, what I have written myself in traditional rhyming couplets, is completely original and draws on my own recent creative influences, which include Anna Karenina, Moby Dick, The Great Gatsby, The Silmarillion and The Tiger Who Came To Tea (little Mungo’s favourite). I can truly promise there will be something for all the family.’

Flower & Produce Show: news round-up

Do you recognise this cabbage?

• Entrants to the Ambridge Flower & Produce Show have been questioned by police investigating the cabbage-throwing incident at Aston Villa’s last home game. ‘We are following a tip-off that a gardener who was pipped to the post for best cabbage may have decided to take his rage out on Aston Villa’s beleaguered manager, Steve Bruce,’ said a spokesperson. ‘We understand that feelings at the show were running high but there’s no excuse for assault with a potentially deadly vegetable.’

• The acceptance speech made by Jennifer Aldridge, winner of the Freda Fry Cup, is officially the longest and weepiest the Flower & Produce Show has ever seen. ‘People felt sorry for her, because she’s having to sell Home Farm, but they began to walk out after she started thanking everyone from her infant school teacher to Fabrice of Felpersham,’ said one visitor. ‘It didn’t help that she wiped her nose on Hilary Noakes’s entry in the “Embroidered ‘Scenes of Borsetshire” category.’

• Bookies described the Show as a ‘skinner’ after Nic’s Harvest Pie, the 100-1 outsider in the Savouries category, was awarded a Highly Commended certificate. ‘There was a late surge of bets on it, but something about that pie didn’t smell right,’ said one.     

 From the message boards

This week we drop in on the Ambridge Community Forum, to find out what residents are chatting about online:

• Hey guys, did you hear Ellis got arrested for dealing, just like Freddie? Reckon he’ll get more than a year – deserves it too. He was the one Freddie was scared of. JohnnyP.

• Yeah. Shocker about Freddie though. Where am I supposed to get sorted for the Naughty Forties Singles Night at the Torn Scrotum? TraceyKardashianOnlyJokinHorrobin

• LOLZ. Don’t worry Trace, when Freddie gets out he’ll be a proper criminal – get you anything you like. FelpershamCityFan.

• Um, legal point here, chaps. Does anyone know how one can avoid a particular judge who is clearly rather harsh when it comes to the old sentencing malarkey? Asking for a friend. HomeFarmBrian.

• Posh Boy should’ve got longer. And if Ellis finds he dobbed him in, he’d better watch himself in the showers, if you get me. Ellis got mates everywhere. DunCrimeDoTime

• Oh, this is all so distressing! My Freddie is sensitive, like his poor father. He’ll never manage in that dreadful place. How can you all be so horrid? LoLoLizzie.

• Like we care… Everyone.

SPONSORED MESSAGE: Looking for a lightweight, long-range drone for all your precision delivery needs? Email alice.carter@pryce-baumann.co.uk   

Your week in the stars

Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for readers:

Capricorn

The stars are indeed capricious for Goats fresh from victory at the Flower & Produce Show. The prospect of your home of 40 years being turned into luxury flats by a woman called Belcher is a bitter blow, but don’t let it drive you into bingeing on leftover sausage rolls and apricot strudel.

Gemini

Venus, planet of peace, is smiling on you this week and will see the end of a troubling family rift. Your natural generosity will prompt you to give away free birthday cakes to old ladies, but beware: if your husband finds out you are spending profits that should be going into your ISA, the atmosphere of harmony may be short-lived.

Libra

Not a very happy birthday for Librans, who are troubled by inconvenient incidents such as your grandson being in jail and your elderly sister-in-law breaking her hip after tripping over the cat. However, your sunny, upbeat nature will soon reassert itself as you know there is very little in life that can’t be sorted out with a big pot of Earl Grey and a slice of lemon drizzle.   

Borsetshire Rural Cinema: Announcement

Apologies, film fans: there will be no screening in the Village Hall this week as we were sent the wrong film by mistake. Instead of ‘Babe: Pig in the City’ we received ‘Put a Porker in it’, in which Hannah the horny pig-handler gets right under the skin of Big Tom, who’s famed for the size of his sausage. To quote the trailer, it contains “sizzlin’ scenes of makin’ bacon” that the Cinema Committee deemed completely unsuitable for family viewing, once they had watched it three times to make sure.