Hallowe’en horror at Lower Loxley 

Cllr Grundy: 'It was
like this, but more scary.'

Parish Councillor Emma Grundy has reported Lower Loxley to Borchester Trading Standards Office for putting on a Hallowe’en event that she said was ‘too scary’.

‘We were expecting Frightful Family Fun at Spookylicious Gardens, with face-painting and marshmallows for the kiddies and that,’ said Cllr Grundy. ‘It was all fine when we arrived. There were some ghastly old goblins jumping out from behind bushes making terrible noises, but my lot are used to that, living with my grandfather-in-law Joe and his leaky bowel. 

‘But it was a different story at the Attack of the Mummy on the Treetop Walk. We all watched as the mummy rose out of the coffin and wrapped the archaeologist in bandages. But when he pushed him off the walk and he was just hanging there, with blood gushing from his eyes… it was disgusting. My George had to play three games of  Resident Evil 7 Biohazard to calm himself down.’ 

Lower Loxley assistant manager Geraldine (surname? Ed) said she was sorry if guests were upset and offered a full refund to anyone who requested one. 

But Cllr Grundy said this was inadequate. ‘If Elizabeth Pargetter thinks she can fob us off with cash she can think again,’ she said. ‘No amount can make up for what my kiddies have been through. Unless it’s enough to put a deposit on a new house. That would do it.’  

Roy Tucker, who attended the event with his small daughter and is a former manager at Lower Loxley, said it was a ‘health and safety nightmare’.

‘Luckily I always keep a hi-vis jacket in the Skoda, so I popped it on and used my marshalling skills with the crowd,’ he said. ‘Otherwise it could have got very ugly in the car park.’   

Ambridge Women’s Institute: an apology

Unfortunately, due to a mix-up on the subs’ desk, last week’s issue contained a number of serious errors. Reports on Bridge Farm’s acquisition of a new dairy herd, and Brookfield’s plans to feed bakery waste to their beef cattle, were confused with details of the Women’s Institute’s Cake-a-Thon for BBC Children in Need. 

We sincerely apologise for:

• describing the W.I. membership as a large number of old cows, some of them into their 12th lactation

• suggesting that the W.I. will be baking a mountain of mouldy bread, stale sponges and smashed Bourbons for their charity sale

• implying that WI members are not prone to mastitis but need to have their udders felt often, especially in winter

• reporting that W.I. baked goods are only fit for consumption when mixed with chopped straw and high-protein silage.

To recognise the offence and embarrassment caused, we are organising our own Children in Need event. The reporters responsible for the mix-up will be placed in stocks on the village green to allow W.I. members, led by Mrs Jill Archer, to throw flapjacks at them. 

Method in her Chaucer madness

Rehearsals for the Ambridge production of The Canterbury Tales started this week, and director/auteur Lynda Snell says her cast will be ‘fully immersed’ in the atmosphere of medieval England.

 ‘I wanted the actors to feel what it is to be cold and hungry, sitting on a rough stone floor in half-darkness, surrounded by dirt, vermin and farm animals – so where better to start our journey than Brookfield?’ she said.  ‘Unfortunately, there were too many of us to fit in the kitchen, so we had to use the barn instead. But Ruth Archer has said she’ll take her Chaucer hat off long enough to run the Hoover over the sitting room for our next rehearsal.’ 

Coffee break with… ‘Mr Lee’

 In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with much-loved Ambridge martial arts instructor ‘Mr Lee’.

Q Ambridge parents say you’re great with children. What’s your secret?

A I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way…

Q But how do you manage when children display challenging behaviour in class?

A It’s all about getting them to look for the hero inside themselves,  until they find the key to their lives.

Q How do you motivate children to do their best?

A I ask them: ‘What have you done today to make yourself proud?’

Q And finally, do your friends ever call you Bruce?

A No. Are we done here? 

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: a side-splitting comedy special: 

Dumb & Dumber’s Excellent Adventure 

Join smooth-talking boarding school twit Ruairi (Dumb) and his bestie, nice-but-gullible Ben (Dumber) on their wild and wacky night-ride in various unroadworthy farm vehicles, as they practise doughnuts, give it a dab of oppo and cane the dips at Leeders, stopping only to hit badgers and wriggle out of a proper wigging from Will the gamekeeper.  (Running time 90 mins: feels like 3 hours). 

What the critics say:

“Check your common sense at the door and you’ll soon be ‘Ruairi’ with laughter and ‘Bent’ double with giggles at this no-brainer of a cinema delight.” Tristram Hawkshaw, Borchester Echo.