Tom's elated, Russ is deflated and Brian's still got it at 75

Aldridge hailed as saviour of the shoot

Brian Aldridge of Home Farm was described as a hero for saving the day after a Borchester Land shoot was disrupted by vandals this week. ‘There was so much damage to the morning drives I thought I’d have to cancel, and Martyn Gibson would’ve been ever so cross,’ said gamekeeper Will Grundy. ‘But Mr Aldridge knew exactly what to do. He said we should start with the afternoon drives instead, and do the morning drives after lunch, once the birds had come back to roost. He’s a genius and no mistake.’

Mr Aldridge said he was happy to help, even though he is no longer responsible for the shoot. ‘Experience tells, and I’m delighted the guns had a good day,’ he said. ‘And anyone who suggests I went joyriding and caused the damage myself, just to prove I’ve still got the old magic even though I’m 75 now, will be hearing from my lawyers.’

STOP PRESS: Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) confirmed the damage was caused by a stolen pick-up found abandoned near Willow Farm. ‘I conducted extensive enquiries,’ he said. ‘I asked David Archer where his boys were that night, and he said they were tucked up in bed, so that’s absolutely fine. I was hoping it wasn’t anyone in the village, to be honest, as it was my day off.’ 

Canterbury Tales script gets mixed reviews

Lynda Snell’s ground-breaking approach to The Canterbury Tales, which blends the classic text with references to present-day Ambridge, is causing controversy among the cast. 

At a rehearsal this week, Eddie Grundy, who witnesses said was already ‘well refreshed’ after a visit to the cider shed, objected to the lines: ‘If I say things wrong or arse about, it’s not me talking it’s the pint of Shires I’ve had.’  

‘Eddie was in quite a strop,’ said a cast member. ‘He said the lines didn’t rhyme or scan and were an insult as he only says things arse about after five pints of Shires, not one. And he said a line about his old man describing a woman as ‘fit as a ferret’ was disrespectful to Joe. There was quite a scene. I thought he was going to walk off the show.’

But other actors said they thought rehearsals were going well. ‘Me and Ed really like our script from The Knight’s Tale,’ said Emma Grundy. ‘Especially: ‘Ed and me want our own house, instead of sleeping in a ditch, but we are poor and not very rich; and Hannah Riley is a smelly old…’  (That’s enough. Ed).

Karate stars’ time to shine

Ambridge’s very own karate kids were celebrating this week after receiving their red belts, marking their achievement after a term of classes.

‘I’m very proud of all the pupils,’ said the sensei Mr Lee. ‘They’ve done well, especially Keira Grundy, who can now keep still for more than five seconds, and Henry Archer, who managed a whole class without biting anyone or pushing them over.’

The juniors will start working towards their yellow belts after Christmas and Mr Lee said his next goal is to work with the adult class to help them improve their skills. ‘Adults can be more challenging as people bring different experiences to the class,’ he said.’For example, Helen Archer turned a very funny colour when I said I’d love to give her a belt.’

Ask Auntie Satya 

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your emotional and practical dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My girlfriend – or should I say, my muse – left our love-nest in Manchester to visit her sick mother last week and seems reluctant to return even though I call her several times a day. I’m concerned she is missing her university studies, and as an artist, I find myself staring at the empty canvas without her to inspire me. Also, I’m running out of clean clothes and I don’t know how to work the washing machine. How can I persuade her to come home? Russ.

Dear Russ, 

This separation must be difficult for both of you. In your longer letter, you tell me your girlfriend’s grant and part-time earnings pay the rent on your flat while you explore the Manchester art scene. Perhaps if you were to look for a paid job, this would help pass the time until your girlfriend resumes her duties as muse, housekeeper and breadwinner? Just in case she is away for longer than you think.

Dear Auntie Satya,

Since my girlfriend came back from a visit to her family in Bulgaria, things have not been right between us. She says she still loves me, but she’s moved out of our home, turned down the job I arranged for her and is staying with friends, for whom she’s agreed to be a surrogate mother (sorry Auntie Satya, it’s a bit complicated).  I’m determined to get her back. What would you advise? Roy.

Dear Roy, 

You tell me you’ve tried scented candles, baking her favourite Bulgarian dessert and giving her plenty of space, especially in the bedroom department. With the festive season approaching, I suggest you try a trip to Birmingham Christmas market, a selection of horror novels and a reminder that if she marries you now, she may be able to jump the employment queue ahead of Brexit. But if none of these appeals to her, I’m afraid you may have to let this lady go.  

Dear Auntie Satya,

My housemate and I have had a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship, but recently I spent the night with the woman of my dreams. I told my housemate how amazing it was and how I was grateful to her for being such a good sport and helping me get back in the saddle, relationships-wise. But instead of being happy for me, she just screamed and tipped a pan of spaghetti carbonara down my trousers. What did I do wrong? Tom.  

Dear Tom,

If you really have to ask this question, I fear there is no point in my expending any energy at all on replying to you.