Tom in love, Roy on a mission and Susan in a rage

Bridge Farm kefir gets the chop 

Tom Archer has announced that Bridge Farm has discontinued its range of kefir drinks with immediate effect. The fruit-flavoured drinks, which are made with fermented milk from Bridge Farm’s own goats, were launched a year ago but have not met profit expectations.

‘We – that’s my girlfriend Natasha and I – think it’s better to withdraw the product before it goes too far,’ said Mr Archer. ‘She pointed out that we hadn’t actually sold any and that we were being silly billies to think that we could. Absolute genius.’

Staff currently employed making the kefir will be redeployed at Bridge Farm.  ‘It really only affects Susan Carter, who was appointed kefir manager,’ said Mr Archer. ‘But she’ll be fine with it, once we can coax her down from her one-woman protest on the dairy roof.’

It's the Ambridge Observer Prize* Crossword!

To celebrate the relaunch of Bored Game Night (surely, Board Game? Ed) at the Bridge Farm Tearoom, here’s a fiendish puzzle to keep you keen and competitive between sessions! 

*Terms and conditions apply. There is no actual prize.

Across

1 Natasha is made of sugar and spice – but not this one

8  ‘No one …. takes me seriously,’ claims joy-riding badger-killer Ben

11 ‘My Neil looks like Poldark without these’

14 Lily and Elizabeth decide to have themselves a merry little one

Down

2 Rabbits and Natasha eat like this, apparently

3 He’s doing sterling work behind the bar

4 Already well-trained in begging treats from Jill?

5 Do it to the pudding and make a wish

6 Who knew Justin had so much hair here?

7 Garments that Lynda will never, ever recycle

9 It was Nic’s, and Fallon wants to use it, but will Will wear it? 

10 Tom’s decision to ditch it gives Susan a sour taste

12 Brian and Jennifer have had one, and Jazzer would love Hannah to make one

13 What Roy is willing to become for Lexi 

Your Week in The Stars

Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for readers:

Capricorn

Your kind heart and gentle manner mean you find yourself in the 'friend zone' more often than you would like, but a recent 'brief encounter' over a Christmas tree may see you and a young lady wishing on a romantic star come the New Year. But beware artistic types who may have other ideas.

Libra

Sometimes it is hard for creative Librans to persuade others to share their vision. But those who are involved in Christmas productions should rise above the petty concerns of whiffy costumes, dodgy props and reluctant actors to bring their gift of epic drama to a grateful world!

Scorpio

A move is in the offing for Scorpios, but resist the pressure from those close to you to act quickly, or you may spend Christmas Eve unpacking boxes in a rented bungalow outside Darrington, instead of enjoying your customary cognac and cigars in front of a roaring fire. 

Letter to The Editor

Dear Madam,

Please will you help me convince my girlfriend that we can be together and that she is the love of my life? She says our long-distance relationship can’t work and that if she stays in England, or I go to Bulgaria, we will make our families miserable. So, through the pages of your newspaper, will you allow me to try to convince her not to give up on us, by printing this special message? I translated it from a phrase book we often use in Grey Gables, where I work. Thank you! Roy Tucker.

Urazhaemi Leksi 

Blagodarim vi, che rezervirate dvoĭna staya za tri noshtuvki. Tsenata vklyuchva pŭlna angliĭska zakuska, bezplatno wi-fi i bezplatno kopie na Borchester Echo.

[Note to subs: according to Google Translate, this seems to be confirming a reservation of a double room for three nights, including a full English breakfast, free wi-fi and a complimentary copy of the Borchester Echo. But leave it as it is; maybe it means something to them. Ed.]