Sunday, 5 May 2019

Art committee off to a rocky start

The committee to commission an artwork for St Stephen’s Church is in disarray this week after its first meeting broke up in acrimony.
Chair Shula Hebden Lloyd said she was disappointed, but was sure the committee would come to an agreement eventually. ‘Robust discussion is natural when there are big creative personalities in the room, and some strong suggestions came through,’ she said. ‘For instance, Lynda Snell suggested a giant pair of feet, though we felt that might be a bit cheesy. And Russell Jones spoke passionately on the theme of “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors”. It seemed to mean a lot to him personally.’
But an anonymous committee member said there was little chance of the group reaching an agreement.
‘It was never a good idea to have Jim Lloyd, an enthusiastic atheist, involved,’ said our source. ‘I thought Lynda would self-combust when he suggested a hologram of Jesus would be appropriate, as he wasn’t real. You’d almost think Jim was trying to troll her. There was some discussion of having an installation based on the Stations of the Cross. But at this rate it’s going to be Stations of the Very Cross.’

New role suits Freddie just fine

Freddie Pargetter of Lower Loxley models the outfit he’ll wear for his latest venture –  conducting tours of the stately home’s ‘private spaces’.
‘My offender manager suggested I wear this, just in case people don’t fancy being shown round by a convicted drug dealer,’ he said. ‘But I think it’s kinda cool. If a bit hot. We’ll explore all the places the public don’t normally see, like the attic, the cellars and storage tunnels that run underneath the grounds,’ he said. ‘I wish I’d thought of them when the police were looking for me, but we are where we are.’
‘I also think people will be fascinated to see all the old relics we’ve got lying about, like my sister Lily’s ancient boyfriend Russ,’ said Mr Pargetter. ‘Sorry Russ – only joking!’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your practical and emotional dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

I’m devastated. My new wife has left me and I just can’t deal with it – all I said was I’d rather honeymoon somewhere not too far away in case my pigs need me. She’s asked me to email her about our new business venture, but won’t answer my calls. I don’t know how to get her back and can’t face telling my family. Please help! Tom.  

Dear Tom,
I would advise closing your joint bank account. From what you tell me in your longer letter, I suspect your wife will contact you immediately. As for your family finding out, I really wouldn’t worry. They are all far too self-absorbed to notice. Good luck!

Dear Auntie Satya,

Since her mum died my stepdaughter, who’s 14, has been a real star, looking after the house and her little sister, comforting me when I’m down, and keeping up with her schoolwork. Except for maths, but I got her a really strict tutor instead of letting her hang around with a posh boy who said he was ‘helping’. Yeah, right. She knows I love her because I call her sweetheart and everything, like her mum did. But now she’s had a complete meltdown, says she can’t cope and had to steal money so that her sister could go on a school trip, because I forgot to sort it in time. But I’m so busy at work. I can’t be expected to do everything, can I? Will.       

Dear Will,

This has clearly been a difficult time for the whole family, but it is your stepdaughter who is suffering now and must be your priority. You can no longer bury yourself in work and pretend that nothing has changed, relying on this young girl to run the house as your late wife did. She is a child, not your carer. I wish that she had written to me, and not you, because my heart breaks for her and as my niece Usha will tell you, I am a tough old nut. Whatever it takes, sort this out urgently or you will lose your daughter as well as your wife.

Dear Auntie Satya,

I’ve just started doing some driving work that pays well and is quite easy to do. But the last delivery we did, the bloke I work for brought a baseball bat along just in case there was any ‘trouble’. Do you think there might be something dodgy about it? Ed.

Dear Ed,

Ed, Ed, Ed. Please have a word with yourself. You know the answer to this.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Sir (Madam, actually. Ed.)

I was pleased to see Ambridge Cricket Club get their season off to a winning start on Sunday with a victory over Waterley Cross. However, yet again I was disappointed to see members of the fairer sex on the field of play instead of in the tea tent, as befits their more delicate sensibilities. Our men need proper fortification with Dundee cake and cucumber sandwiches prepared by formidable ladies wearing stout corsetry, who after tea will give you a stern ticking-off behind the… I digress. The lack of a properly organised cricket tea is yet another symptom of the moral decline of our great country, which reached a new nadir this week with the theft of a pair of gentlemen’s stretch interlock boxer briefs from my washing line. Is nothing sacred.
Yours faithfully
Cecil Jackson