Ruth celebrates, Toby parties and Kate bounces back

New treatments turn up the heat

Kate Madikane, owner of the troubled Spiritual Home holistic retreat, has launched three new treatments in a bid to woo back customers who have been put off by the toxic spill clean-up at Low Mead. 'My trip to the USA showed me that today's spa customer is looking for something more than a bland facial or boring old Reiki session,' she said. Ms Madikane describes her new treatments for us: 

• Anger Therapy. 'This is a type of hot stone massage, where I heat the stones so they’re just a bit too hot. Then I turn the whale music up loud and give the client a real pummelling while ranting on about my problems and blaming everyone but myself.'
• Truth Bomb. 'Secrets are toxic – I should know! So for this treatment, the client has to blurt out the most inconvenient truth they can think of to someone. In my case, I told Pip Archer that I'd slept with her baby-father at her mother's birthday party. So liberating!' 
• Bonk and Bounce. 'This one is really fun. All you need is champagne, a bouncy castle and a random to have a meaningless fling with – in my case, I chose Toby Fairbrother as you can't get more meaningless than him. Just one tip ladies – take your stilettos off or the whole experience might be a bit deflating!'

‘These treatments are so new and exciting, I don't know what they will do for clients,' said Ms Madikane. 'But they're working wonders for me.’

Onwards and upwards at Bridge Farm 

Helen Archer says she is 'disappointed, but inspired' by failing to win a prize at this year's Food & Farming Awards, run by The Food Programme on BBC Radio 4. 'I'm not bitter – unlike Tom's kefir (sorry - joke!!)', she said. 'I still have faith in my cheeses, and in fact, failing to win this award has given me the confidence to tell Tom exactly how he should run his business, and interfere in his dissertation for the Nuffield scholarship. So it's all good.
'Meanwhile, I am training my grandma Peggy's cat, Hilda Ogden, to be an artisan cheese-maker, so she can enter the Pets' Party Pieces contest at the fete. This is the kind of quirky marketing stunt that will really help our brands break through.'

From the vicar's fireside 

The Revd. Alan Franks writes:

I'd like to start by welcoming a new family to Ambridge. Esther Pickle, her mum Ina, dad Branston and brother Dill have just moved in to Grange Spinney. Esther is a keen bellringer and has already joined our happy team at St Stephen's. She is an independent young woman with a personal style that I believe is called 'Goth', and her favourite bands include The Jesus and Mary Chain and the Sisters of Mercy, which sounds very appropriate. Welcome, Pickle family!

Taking of bellringing, I'm also delighted that PC Harrison Burns has also agreed to join our tower as we prepare for the nationwide 'Ringing Remembers' event on Armistice Day. PC Burns has promised to take his helmet off, so to speak, while ringing so we needn't worry that anything we say will be used in evidence! Although it's Neil Carter who keeps us in line, and he says Harrison has a lot to learn. Let's say his comments added a fair few pounds to the swear box!

And of course, my lovely wife Usha is returning to the team, which is just as well as Shula Hebden Lloyd, such a stalwart, is so busy she always has a diary clash when Usha is ringing. Usha says her ringing is rusty, but as I often say to her when we turn in for the night: Come on old girl, it's just like riding a bike. Good luck to all our ringers! 

Poem of the Week

Thank you to Bert Fry, Borsetshire Laureate, for allowing us to publish the poem he was commissioned to write for Ruth Archer’s glittering 50th birthday party at Home Farm.

When Ruth first appeared from a dairy afar,

Shining on Ambridge like a radiant star,

She was a farming student, just nineteen,

And not the smartest we’d ever seen.

Her tractor driving test she failed,

Ruined a day’s milk yield – how Phil wailed!

And she so upset poor Mr Wendover,

Phil begged me to come in and take over!

Despite all this, from the very start

Between her and David there was a spark.

At Nightingale Farm they pledged their troth

And ever since, love has blessed them both.

Jill Archer planned Ruth’s wedding day,

But the bride wanted things her way!

A woman vicar, no bridesmaids at all,

And a knees-up in the village hall.

But Ruth looked stunning as a bride,

And David Archer fair burst with pride.

And the famous story still gets told

Of Ruth’s dad’s speech about toilet rolls.

And then in February 1993,

They welcomed Pip to their family.

To be followed by Josh and Ben, who, they say,

Was conceived on top of a stack of hay!

Of course, in all the happy years,

There have been troubles, pain and tears.

But Ruth’s bright spirit keeps shining through,

And she’s always got a kind word for you.

So raise your glasses, say three cheers,

For the lady celebrating 50 years.

A much-loved member of the Archer clan –

And soon about to be a Gran!

(Unfortunately, for space reasons, we have had to cut the next 43 verses.

But thank you Bert!)

Pet of the Week

Name: Fluffy

Owner: Nathan Booth

Likes: Eating crickets

Dislikes: Playing cricket

Do say: ‘Yes Nathan, I’m sure he would be saying Gottle of Geer if his mouth wasn’t full of crickets’.

Don’t say: ‘A bearded dragon ventriloquist act? I didn’t know Peggy Woolley and Christine Barford were entering the Pets’ Party Pieces competition!’

Fete shocker, Kate flounces and Freddie is free (for now)

Ambridge matriarch in Fete shocker

Ambridge was shocked to the core this week when a senior village figure appeared to undermine one of the community’s most cherished institutions.

Jill Archer, 87, of Brookfield told fellow committee members she would be late to a meeting ‘because there are some things in life that are more important than the Ambridge Fete.’

‘We were all rendered speechless,’ said Lynda Snell. ‘I can’t imagine how anyone would say such a thing. Especially when Fallon Rogers has come up with an inspired idea to make a Pets’ Talent Show the centrepiece of the Fete. Could there be anything more Ambridge?’

Contacted by the Ambridge Observer, Mrs Archer was unrepentant. ‘I needed to spend time with my daughter Shula,’ she said. ‘ Everyone knows I am the best mother in Ambridge and I could not have my youngest, Elizabeth, showing me up by being loving and tolerant about my granddaughter’s sexuality. Whatever that may mean.

‘I’ve been working hard all week to undermine my daughter-in-law Ruth in the grandmother department, and here was Shula telling family members that I had failed her. Now, she may have ditched her sacred marriage vows for a silly mid-life whim but I will support her come what may because that is what mums do, Elizabeth says. Would you like some carrot cake?’

Turbulence at Spiritual Home

The future of  Spiritual Home, Ambridge’s foremost holistic retreat and spa, hung in the balance this week as its owner Kate Madikane flounced off to sulk on the Kent coast (shurely, took some time out to consider her business options? Ed.)

‘Kate has returned home now, which is such a relief. We haven’t been so worried since she went to Glastonbury and came back with a baby,’ said her mother, Jennifer Aldridge of Home Farm. 

‘Of course, that’s not very likely this time as Kate is… well, let’s just say her peak fertility years are behind her. Unlike my son Adam of course. His little swimmers are in absolutely top form, did you know? Anyway… I’m sure Kate will calm down soon. She knows she’d struggle without me to make her blackberry tea and serve her beetroot hummus just the way she likes it!’

Brian Aldridge, who recently announced shock plans to sell off a parcel of land that adjoins Spiritual Home, said he and Ms Madikane had had a ‘difference of opinion’. ‘Kate believes that having tractors rumble past Spiritual Home all day will ruin her business, and I believe that she is a spoiled, over-indulged brat who hasn’t bothered to read the small print on the Home Farm partnership document,’ he said.

The Ambridge Observer reached out to Ms Madikane for comment, but unfortunately the statement she released was not appropriate for a family newspaper.

All bets off on Pip’s baby date

Bookmakers have suspended betting on the birth date of Pip Archer’s baby, after punters piled into Sunday June 17. ‘We had some money come in for Saturday June 16, which is her mum Ruth’s 50th birthday,’ said Lou Sittall of Borchester Turf Accountants. ‘But Sunday is not only the day of Ruth’s birthday party, but Fathers' Day. Studying the form, we reckon that Archer babies often arrive to cause maximum disruption and inconvenience. So we reckon a touching birth scene in the marquee at Home Farm is a no-brainer.’

Before the book was closed, decent odds were available on Tuesday June 19 (Fallon Rogers’s birthday) and Friday June 22 (Adam Macy and Chris Carter’s birthday).  ‘We even had a few brave souls who reckoned Pip could hold out until the Ambridge Fete,’ said Mr Sittall.  ‘But you could get 100-1 on that as Lynda Snell would never stand for it.’

Bets are still being taken on the baby's name. 'On the basis that parents often take inspiration from their surroundings, our favourite is Floral Pedestal Archer if it's a girl, or Jazz Quintet Archer for a boy,' said Mr Sittall. 

From the message boards

As Ambridge’s youngsters celebrate the end of their exams, we drop in on the AmTeens forum to see what’s got the online community buzzing:

• Hey guys!!!! No more exams EVA!!!! Who’s gonna hang at the Black Dragon for some cocktails and to watch me burn my pencil case? DJFreddEE

• Why Freddie boy, are you gonna smoke it? You and me got unfinished business, remember? I’m a couple of men down in my operation and I need you to shift some supplies, get me? ChemicalEllis

• Go away Ellis. I’m picking fruit at Home Farm all summer and then I’m off to South Africa. And anyway, you’ll get what’s coming to you. DJFreddieEE

• Sure, Freddie boy. What you gonna do, get your big butch sister Lily to rough me up? We all know about her and that Meredith girl, whoever she is. ChemicalEllis

• Guys, guys, take it outside, will you? You need to check out this week’s Borchester Echo, featuring yours truly as Bachelor of the Month! TractorBoyJosh

• Wow, cool! Bet you’ll get some hot dates out of that! DJFreddEE

• Too right, Fred. I’ve got three sales appointments this week already. And a sniff of a nearly-new baler in Penny Hassett. Anyone on here interested? TractorBoyJosh

 • Shut UP, Josh! Everyone.

Pet of the Week (not a pet, a working animal. This is a farming paper, you know. Ed.)

Name: Peppa Pig (yes, it’s stupid, but we can’t change it because of Poppy, bless the poor little mite)

Owner: Ed Grundy, Grange Farm

Likes: eating, pushing small girls into puddles

Dislikes: being prodded by judges at Borchester Show

Do say: ‘Ain’t he handsome? Think how much more he’ll be worth when he’s bigger!’

Don’t say: ‘You turned down £4,000 for him? Are you mad? With the luck of the Grundys, do you really think he’ll make it to his first birthday?’

Kate sees red, Lily's in hot water and Shula cooks up trouble

US intervention steps up threat of trade war
 

Kate Madikane, owner of holistic retreat Spiritual Home, has walked out of summit talks designed to ease financial woes at Home Farm.

‘Kate says her father Brian Aldridge is weak and dishonest, and never told her he was selling the field surrounding Spiritual Home,’ says an insider.

‘If she’d got the email while she was away in Arizona, she would have come straight back to stop it. But she was on a goat yoga retreat and totally off grid.’

‘Kate has warned Brian there will be war over the sale, which would see tractors to-ing and fro-ing just yards from her yurts every day,’ said our source. ‘She means business since her US research trip. She went on a haircut healing course and had her hair permed into a huge blonde power quiff. It’s truly scary. Brian had better watch out.’

 Nice work if you can get it

The summer’s hottest reality TV show has inspired a local farmer to step up his recruitment drive for seasonal workers.

Home Farm’s strawberry picking operation has been renamed ‘The Polytunnels of Love Island’. Workers will compete to go on glamorous dates, such as carvery night at the Torn Scrotum in Felpersham.

‘My sister Kate gave me the idea,’ said Adam Macy. ‘She said we need to attract young, energetic workers and to get the place buzzing with hormones. So what better way than to inject some sizzling babes, booze and bantz into the mix?’

Mr Macy said new recruits would be issued with sparkly swimwear, shades and vouchers for cocktails, which they will enjoy on their breaks by the Home Farm swimming pool.

‘Each week the pickers will be coupled up, and we’ll have a ‘Fruitiest Guy’ and ‘Sweetest Girl’ contest,’ said Mr Macy. ‘It’s going to be hot, hot, hot in the Polytunnels of Love Island!’

The Trials of Lily Pargetter

In the latest chapter of our sensational summer saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine plays a dangerous game to experience the ecstasies of love…

‘Ach, Liebling! Bei mir bist du so … sexy!’ Lily purred in delight and pressed the phone closer to her ear. ‘Revising with books is so bourgeois, darling,’ Russ had told her. ‘You and I speak the language of love!’

‘Ich auch!’ she said. ‘Sorry doll – you got a cold?’ Russ quipped. He was so funny. They’d even devised a secret code: if they were on the phone and Russ said ‘Hier kommt meine Frau’, it meant it wasn’t safe to talk. So clever of him!

Reluctantly ending the call, Lily went into the kitchen.

‘So Lily – how is Meredith? You’ve been with her nearly all weekend!’ her mother asked, a little too brightly.

‘Yeah Lily, how is… Meredith?’ Freddie asked, making quote marks with his fingers behind their mum’s back. ‘Shut UP!’ Lily hissed at him. ‘Oh, you know Meredith. Still got her verruca. She needs a lot of support. What’s for lunch?’

‘There’s fresh ham,’ Elizabeth said, expertly slicing a bloomer.

‘Oh no, sorry mum – Lily prefers an old ham, don’t you sis?’ said Freddie with a huge wink.

‘What on earth do you mean, Freddie?’ her mother turned a quizzical eye on them. Then her phone buzzed and she frowned. ‘Oh damn, it’s the photocopier sales convention organiser again. I’ll have to take this, darlings.’

‘Ha ha – saved by the bell! But mum’s on to you, Lily,’ Freddie crowed. ‘You’d better get your story straight if you want to carry on seeing sleazy old Russ...’

Lily stabbed viciously at a slice of ham, wishing it were her hideous brother…How dare he try to spoil the rare, precious love she had found with her deputy head teacher?

*

‘Well, you do look super-cool in your shades and summer dresses, dears!’ Aunty Christine waddled over the Green towards Lily and Elizabeth. ‘Do you mind if I join you?’

Lily breathed a sigh of relief. At least now Mum would stop dropping hints about her and Meredith, and how Clare Balding was one of her favourite TV presenters, and didn’t Lily think that Ruth Davidson was a talented politician?

‘Of course, Christine! We’re just enjoying a short break in the sun before Lily’s next exam,’ said Elizabeth. ‘She’s already turned down the chance to play cricket on Sunday to revise.’ Lily shivered inwardly with delight. On Sunday, she wouldn’t be playing cricket or revising with the imaginary  Meredith. She and Russ would be in their own little world in the car park of that quiet pub on the bypass… Christine’s quavering voice broke into her reverie.

‘But you do have breaks, dear!’ she was saying. ‘Jim and I saw you, with a tall chap, at that art exhibition in Felpersham!’

Lily went cold. She forced herself to smile. ‘Oh no, not me, Aunty Chris. I was revising!’

Christine looked puzzled. ‘But I was sure… you were wearing that lovely scarlet jacket of yours. But I might have been mistaken. Harrison and Fallon think I’m going gaga, you know. Just because I can’t tell a flapjack from a gluten free cookie. They’re all stale anyway, since they stopped using Tupperware like normal people.’

‘Yes!’ Lily yelped. Her aunt gave her a hurt look. ‘I mean… No, of course you’re not gaga, Aunty  Christine. I just meant yes, you were mistaken. I was revising with my friend Meredith… wasn’t I mum?’

‘Lily’s right, Christine. She’s always at Meredith’s these days. It must have been someone else.’

Lily’s heart, which had been pounding in her chest, began to beat more calmly. But her mother was giving Lily a long, thoughtful look. Oh, how long would she and Russ have to keep up this painful deception, before they could declare their love to the whole world?

To be continued….

Recipe of the week

Thank to Shula Hebden-Lloyd of The Stables for sending in her version of this weekday family favourite:

Spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread

Serves two (will freeze. In fact, quite likely to)

8oz minced words

Two strong onions (for crying)

Tin of you say tomatoes, I say tom-ay-toes, let’s call the whole thing off

1 cup stock phrases

Pinch of bitter herbs

Slices of stale regret

Butter (no parsnips)

Crushed garlic hopes. Sorry, cloves.

Serve with a bottle of Merlot while pretending to laugh at a video of goat yoga. Then have a row and slam the door on your way out.

  

Ed has high hopes, Monty comes home and Alistair styles it out

Call for summer workers prompts international response

Adam Macy says he is ‘very pleased’ by the response to his publicity campaign to attract more seasonal fruit pickers to Home Farm. ‘We had to be creative this year to make up the shortfall of workers from Eastern Europe, and it seems we did the trick with my interview on Radio Borsetshire, taster sessions and posters all over the county,’ he said.

‘We even have one picker who’s travelled from America specially. He said he’d been keeping an eye on the Ambridge village website and saw this as a good opportunity,’ said Mr Macy. ‘I don’t know much about him – he keeps himself to himself and always wears a baseball cap and shades. But I think I detected a trace of a British accent, so who knows? He may have family connections locally, which would be nice.’ (Oh please, God, no. Ed.)

Lloyd: ‘Single wicket victory not awkward at all’

Former Ambridge cricket captain Alistair Lloyd said he felt ‘absolutely fine’ about accepting the Mark Hebden trophy from his soon-to-be-ex-wife, Shula Hebden-Lloyd, after a thrilling Single Wicket competition on Sunday.

‘People said it was awkward when Shula went in for a kiss but I offered a handshake – but that sums up our marriage really,’ said Mr Lloyd.  

‘To be honest, I would have been more embarrassed if I’d been caught in the slips by Molly Button, like Harrison Burns,’ he added.

But Susan Carter of Ambridge View said Mr Lloyd’s participation in the event was ‘a disgrace’. ‘There he was strutting about in his whites like John Travolta, when poor Shula was splitting finger rolls and trying to keep Lexi on top of the burgers,’ she said. ‘Alistair was showing off so much, you’d think he had a point to prove. Which according to Lavinia Rafferty, he does, if you know what I mean.’

Current Ambridge captain, PC Burns, said it was a ‘fair and exciting contest’. ‘I had something in my eye when I got caught out,’ he said. ‘It was actually a tear, because I’m upset about my fiancée Fallon’s campaign to go completely plastic-free. There are some people round here who call me a plastic policeman and I’m worried she’ll get ideas.’ 

Ed hopes Texel will excel

Grange Farm in Ambridge could soon have a champion in residence as Ed Grundy has high hopes for one of his Texel ram lambs. ‘He’s the best of the bunch by far – solid and square, and eats his head off,’ he said. ‘I can’t wait to take him round the county shows and see how he gets on.’

Mr Grundy said the ram is friendly and a great favourite with his niece Poppy. ‘She calls him Peppa Pig but I’d be a laughing stock in the show-ring, so we’ve chosen a name that means a lot to our family,’ he said. ‘The ram will be officially known as ‘William Paranoid Custody Battle Clarrie Worried Sick The Third.’

How to party the Aldridge way

Renowned social hostess Jennifer Aldridge, of Home Farm, knows a thing or two about organising parties – and she’s currently masterminding a glamorous 50th birthday celebration for Ruth Archer of Brookfield.  So The Ambridge Observer is thrilled to share Jennifer’s unique Party Planning Questionnaire, to help readers plan their own fabulous events!

1.     What is the catering theme of your party?

a)    Classic – a whole dressed salmon, vol au vents and pavlova

b)   The ‘Ruth Archer’ – frozen pizza, oven chips and Arctic roll

c)    Porridge (oops sorry, that’s Brian’s ‘Six months inside for pollution offences’ menu)

2.     What music would you like?

a)    Tommy Croker and the Swinging Zimmers

b)   Freddie Pargetter’s Pills & Thrills dance night  (comes with earplugs and stomach pumps)

c)    A silent disco (because David forgot to ask Ben for a Spotify list. Honestly, I ASK you!)

3.     Who would you like to bake the cake?

a) Jill Archer

b) Are you mad? You will never hear the end of it if you ask anyone else.

4.     What will you serve on arrival?

a)    Champagne

b)   Cava (no, sorry. I cannot allow cava to be served at Home Farm. Prosecco if you must).

c)    Margherita Margaritas – Ruth’s favourite: cheese and tomato pizza blended with Malibu and garnished with a cheeky wedge of Kiwi fruit.

    

Pet of the Week

Name: Monty

Owner: Lynda Snell

Likes: playing fetch; making deep, soulful connections with his eyes

Dislikes: not sure yet. Hopefully not shepherd’s huts

Do say: ‘How sweet, you’ve named him after Lucy Maud Montgomery, author of Anne of Green Gables, and not after the famous WWII British General, whom, to be honest, he more closely resembles.’

Don’t say: ‘Lynda, you’re going to need a bigger pooper scooper.’

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: It Shouldn’t Happen to a Vet

Warm-hearted country comedy in which we follow attractive but hapless vet Alistair and his business partner, feisty Glaswegian Anisha, on their rounds. All animal life is here, from a lame bull to a sheep in need of an emergency Caesarean. Their owners are terrific characters too, from luscious Lavinia and her sickly schnauzer to Shula, an old cow with a prolapsed uterus and a bad case of flu. (Are you sure? Ed).