Wednesday 27 September 2017

AmOb fiction special: The Trials of Roy Tucker

In the latest chapter of our passionate serial, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our hero finds the sweet taste of romance soon turns to bitter tears of heartbreak and regret…

Roy strode into the Flower & Produce Show, nearly tripping over Cecil Jackson’s giant marrows in his eagerness to reach Lexi. She had never looked lovelier, laughing as she explained the intricacies of Bulgarian dessert-making to an enthralled audience of Bert Fry and Joe Grundy. ‘Well, if there was a prize for prettiest cook, you’d win it, missus!’ chuckled Joe. The old goat! Roy could feel his fists clench. This is what a woman like Lexi did to a man! He wanted her all to himself, forever…. But even as he framed the thought, his spirits fell. Soon, all too soon, she would be flying home, leaving him only with the memory of her prize-winning banitsa and a dog-eared copy of The Golem’s Totem Pole… But what had Kirsty said? ‘Come on, Roy! Seize the day, enjoy it while you can, life’s too short and all that kind of thing! Tell Lexi how you feel!’
He stepped masterfully past Jennifer Aldridge, who was weeping fat, silent tears onto her over-baked apricot frangipane, and swept Lexi into his arms. She smelt deliciously of cinnamon, with a hint of polytunnel. ‘Oh, Roy! I am having such a lovely time!’ she breathed. ‘Shall we get ice cream so I can lick it in that way you…’ ‘Yes, Lexi. Yes!’ Roy was in heaven as he steered her out of the hall…

*

On Tuesday evening, Roy was trudging along the lane past Brookfield, deep in thought. He’d told Kirsty he needed to clear his head after the day’s disastrous laundry mix-up at Grey Gables. But there was only one thing on his mind: Lexi. Did she really have to Skype her mother about Violeta’s troubles at school? Or was she trying to avoid him?
A huge, rusty loader rumbled past him in the gloom, but Roy barely noticed it. He longed to tell Lexi how he felt, but when – and where? He could hardly turn up at the caravans, with their odour of bleach and bin bags full of Constantin’s discarded boxer shorts… Suddenly a leaflet, stuck in the hedgerow, caught his eye. ‘Felpersham Pop-Up World Street Food Festival.’ This was perfect. Where better to woo Lexi, a woman with cosmopolitan joie de vivre and a degree in hospitality management? Stuffing the leaflet into his pocket, Roy sprinted home with new purpose, waving cheerily at the man in the stocking mask and striped jumper who was driving the loader…

*

‘Ooh, Roy… pulled pork! I want it right now!’ Roy blushed to his ears. ‘Me too Lexi, just wait till we get home….’ he stammered. ‘No, silly!’ she laughed delightedly. ‘I want to eat pulled pork, and lobster roll, and tacos, and Pad Thai and Chinese dumplings…’ Lexi’s eyes were shining in the light of a Mongolian barbeque, melting Roy’s heart faster than fat on a buffalo burger. Was this the moment? Awkwardly, he got down on one knee, narrowly avoiding a pool of spilled fruit lassi. ‘Lexi, I…’  But suddenly her phone rang. ‘It’s Mama!’ she said. ‘I must answer it. Sorry, Roy….’ She turned away, chattering urgently in Bulgarian.
Cursing his luck, Roy wearily got to his feet. He looked up, and through the smoke rising from the Korean fire pit he could see an airliner travelling far, far away from Borsetshire. How long would it be before Lexi’s family commitments in Bulgaria would take her away from him? And could they keep a long-distance relationship going on a shared passion for street food and the novels of Stephen King? He threw away the remains of his chicken roti, sick at heart…     

To be continued….



  




Sunday 17 September 2017

Flower & Produce shocker, how to handle Hilda, and what's on Ian's mind?

Fraud ‘rife’ at the Flower & Produce, judges claim


The skulduggery threat level at this year’s Ambridge Flower & Produce Show has been raised to critical as judges warned that cheating to win the top prizes is extremely likely.
‘We have been monitoring various suspect gardeners, including one who appears to be feigning terminal illness in order to make fellow competitors feel sorry for him,’ said the head judge at a briefing held at a secret location. ‘We have also intercepted conversations between Ambridge veterans about setting up a cartel, to raise their chances of winning certain categories. The competitions for marrows, onions and parsnips are most likely to be targeted and novice entrants are advised to avoid these.’
In other F & P news, the theme for the home-baked desserts category has been changed. ‘Chef Ian Craig will now be awarding a special prize for the cake that looks most like a baby,’ the judges said.   

New series: It Shouldn’t Happen to a Vet


Alistair Lloyd, much-loved local vet (are you sure? Ed) shares some heart-warming tails (oh, dear Lord. Ed) from his casebook:  

Peggy Woolley’s cat Hilda Ogden is a charming little thing, as long as you approach her wearing oven gloves and a fencing mask. But she does have a naughty habit of chasing and killing everything smaller than her. We found this out the hard way when she came for her vaccinations. Oops! But we replaced the hamster, Java finches and fancy rat soon enough; the owners never noticed.
Fortunately, a wily old vet like me has just the solution for cats like Hilda: euthanasia. (Surely: a cute collar with a bell? The Ladies’ Circle won’t stand for this! Ed.)  

Coffee break with: Ian Craig


In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with the popular head chef at Grey Gables.

Q So, Ian – your food has been getting some great reviews lately. You must be delighted?

A Oh sure, right enough, but it’s a team effort. Did I tell you Adam and I are   thinking of adopting a child? We went to an information event about it. It’s supposed to be a secret, mind, but I’m so excited I can’t help telling everyone!

Q That’s great news! And you must be relieved that Oliver Sterling isn’t selling Grey Gables. What are you planning for your Christmas menus?

A Yes, Oliver’s a great bloke. Did you know he and Caroline were foster parents? He said it was really rewarding looking after teenagers, but I’m not so sure, d’you know what I mean? Maybe babies are easier. Mind you, Lilian Bellamy said she couldn’t get a nanny quick enough.  And me and Adam would be hands-on parents, so we would.

Q We hear Grey Gables will be hosting the South Borsetshire Hunt Ball this year. Have you got any top tips for cooking game?

A To be honest, I ask my mother-in-law Jennifer. There’s nothing she can’t do with a pheasant. And she took in Brian’s child, young Ruairi, when he was four, you know. The wee boy’s a credit to her now, so he is, but she said it was a really difficult time, and took ages for them to bond…

Q You’re well known for your use of local ingredients. What’s your current favourite?

A I’m a big fan of Borsetshire Blue – and not just because my friend Helen Archer makes it! She knows me so well. She was turning cheeses the other day and she just came out with it. ‘Try surrogacy, Ian!’ she said. ‘You know it’s what you want.’ And you know what? She’s right, so she is.  But Adam and I would need to find the right surrogate. I don’t suppose you…  (Coffee break over. Ed).


Borsetshire Rural Cinema


Showing this week: special comedy double bill!

Carry On Up The Campsite. It’s fun and games at the end of the fruit-picking season in this classic British farce of caravan-cleaning capers. Matron bursts in on Roy and Lexi – and she doesn’t know where to put her bin bags! Starring Barbara Windsor as Bulgarian bombshell ‘Sexy’ Lexi Bustikova, Jim Dale as Roy Tucker and Jennifer Aldridge as Matron.


The Wrong Trousers.  Mild-mannered hotel manager Roy finds himself transformed into an irresistible Bulgarian love god when he is forced to put on   Constantin’s jeans after an unlikely accident with a hosepipe.  How much havoc will he wreak among the Ambridge womenfolk before he is able to get back into his comfy chinos?

Sunday 10 September 2017

Brexit, romance and gooseberry jam – an unusual week in Ambridge

How is it for E.U.?


With negotiations between the U.K and the E.U. under way, we ask the owners of  Home Farm, who have strong European connections, how they are feeling about Brexit:

Adam Macy: I think this ‘green Brexit’ is a good idea. We’re ahead of the game with our herbal leys.  And I’m not worried about a shortage of labour. We’ve managed to replace our full-time, qualified tractor-driver with a three-day-a-week apprentice who was desperate to get away from his deadly dull grandfather’s farm. So I’m optimistic.

Brian Aldridge: Green Brexit my artichoke. Britain isn’t going to feed itself if all we think about is hoar finches, or whatever nonsense Kirsty Miller blogs about on her ghastly wildlife website. Farming is an industry – just ask my gamekeeper Will Grundy. He knows about managing the landscape for profit – and that means industrial quantities of pheasants for my shooting clients. If it was left to Adam, he’d be building nests for magpies and inviting the foxes to afternoon tea.  

Jennifer Aldridge: I do think it will be a shame if we aren’t able to hire the fruit pickers every summer. They often tell me how grateful they are to escape from their little countries like Bulgaria or… wherever… and see the incredible wealth we have in Ambridge. And they’re paid in proper money instead of cabbages, or whatever it is they barter where they come from. Really, most of them aren’t bad, you know.  Some of them can even speak quite good English. And we all need to do our bit to help the Third World.



Your week in the stars


The AmOb’s resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for our readers:

Pisces
Sometimes, love arrives when you least expect it, especially if you are a former member of a racist gang and never liked foreigners much. But hey, it’s time for super-cautious Pisceans to throw away the dating spreadsheets and buy new bedsheets! Romance will be all the sweeter if your new love has to return home soon or face prosecution for outstaying her work visa.   

Taurus
Taureans who have been through a very difficult time lately will find a measure of peace and comfort this week. Important decisions you have made – for example, to stay put instead of moving on – will feel right. Expect neighbours to show how much they care with little gifts, such as pots of gooseberry jam.

Cancer
Taking a big decision can be scary, especially where it involves a life-changing step such as adopting a child. But don’t be tempted to go back into your shell. With a supportive partner you could both enjoy a new depth to your relationship, even if it would mean growing up a bit.

 Leo
A fabulous week all round for lucky Lions. The future is looking secure and bright on the work front and the stars are also aligned for Leos who have always wanted a child, but have so far been held back by a selfish and petulant partner. Just don’t let that loyal lion heart of yours get broken again…

Ambridge Exchange and Mart.  


For sale:

Pat Archer’s delicious organic gooseberry jam. Sharp and refreshing! Priced to sell after a bumper crop. Any offer considered. Contact: Bridge Farm.
Gooseberry jam. Unwanted gift. Come and take it away ‘cos not even Joe won’t touch it. Contact: Grange Farm.
Gooseberry jam. Acquired taste. (Hint: don’t leave it on the worktop or it will strip the varnish.) Contact: Shula Hebden-Lloyd, The Stables.
Gooseberry jam. Free to a good home. Doesn’t go with frozen pizza. Or anything really. Contact: Ruth Archer, Brookfield.

Wanted:

Bridge Farm gooseberry jam. Does anyone have a spare pot? Brian loves it for some reason – but then he did go to boarding school. Contact: Jennifer Aldridge, Home Farm.  

Letter to the Editor


From the Office of the POTUS,
The White House, Washington.

Dear Madam,

The President has authorised me to reach out to your readers on a delicate matter. The Commander in Chief, who as you will be aware is a world-class hotelier, recently visited a number of British country clubs on a low-key ‘mystery shopper’ mission.
It seems that during his stay in your locality, the POTUS mislaid a personal item of headwear. He is not sure whether this was in the restaurant, where he enjoyed Chef Craig’s ’50 Shades of Grey Gables’ seasonal menu, or in the health club (congratulations to your instructor Leroy on an excellent Aqua Fit class) or in his suite, where he spent a relaxing evening despite the lack of Fox News and a poor WiFi connection to Twitter.
Mr Trump would like to be reunited with his headgear, which is a favorite. It is easily recognisable by its orange/gold colour, stiff texture and tousled appearance, which has been likened to two rats doing a tango.
If any of your readers can locate and retrieve the item, the President has authorised me to offer a POTUS 45 baseball cap and Mar-a-Lago key ring as a token of his appreciation.

Truly yours,
C. I. Abbott
Asst to the Executive Asst of the VP of the President’s Headwear Dept, The West Wing.