‘Forensic investigations (i.e. asking my wife) have established the remnant does indeed belong to the consignment of high-grade bunting that disappeared from the village green exactly four years ago,’ he told a packed press briefing.
‘A crack team is conducting a fingertip search of the village, fanning out from the shop, where the bunting was found hanging on the door handle. If we don’t find any fingertips (oh dear, Ed) we’ll just ask people if they saw anyone acting suspiciously. We've already eliminated Mia Grundy from our enquiries. She was only hanging round the shop, counting her coins to see if she had enough money for bread and waiting to take Poppy to the hairdresser.
‘We assume this is ‘H’s attempt to taunt the police and lure us into a firefight on the village green,’ said PC Burns. ‘Let me warn H right now: we have a speedwatch gun and we aren’t afraid to use it.’
Borsetshire European Election candidates revealed
In a surprise move, a number of Ambridge residents have announced they will be standing as candidates in next month’s European Parliament elections. We asked them to sum up their manifestos:
Shula Hebden Lloyd (Pity Party)
I’m standing for all those women of a certain age who feel invisible and undervalued, and who are looking for a fresh purpose in life. I don’t know what my manifesto is yet, but I expect God will be in there somewhere. Although I do keep changing my mind on that.
Freddie Pargetter (Law Reform Party)
If elected I plan to draw attention to the terrible injustices done to young heirs who are sent to jail for drug offences that really weren’t all that serious and then find people aren’t very nice to them and they can’t find a job. My campaign slogan is: It’s so UNFAIR! I’m sure it’s a whiner (surely, winner? Ed).
Jack (Jazzer) McCreary (Scottish Nationalist Party)
Ever since ma agent Jim Lloyd wrote my CV there’s nae limit to what I can dae!
If Tom Archer disnae want ma problem-solving skills and ability to step back and reassess a changing business situation, I’ll be off to Brussels. When it comes to sprouts I know my onions, if ye get ma meaning!
Russell Jones (Brexart Party)
With my deep artistic sensibilities and my ability to reach out to young people, I’m confident I could improve public engagement with the institutution of the European Parliament. I already have an Italian coffee maker and I make a tasty pain perdu so I’m sure I’ll fit right in.
Ambridge welcomes ‘no-fault divorce’ laws
The prospect of being able to end a marriage without ascribing blame to either partner has been welcomed by Ambridge residents.
‘It’a bit late for me, as my decree absolute came through this week,’ said Shula Hebden Lloyd. ‘But in retrospect it would have been better to avoid all that unpleasantness with Lavinia Rafferty’s Schnauzer.’
‘This is good news,’ said a newly married Ambridge woman who preferred to remain anonymous. ‘As a successful entrepreneur, I know it’s important to mitigate risk. So I’ve been compiling a file of unreasonable behaviour just in case – parents-in-law only having soup and a roll for lunch; grandmother-in-law using her cat as an offensive weapon; husband expecting you to have a self-catering honeymoon – that kind of thing. But this change means I can take off whenever I like, no hard feelings and all that. In fact, I’ve got a train to catch; my ex Trev is waiting for me with a scented candle and a footrub.’
Snell ponders Christmas production
Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell says current events in the village have inspired her to think ahead to this year’s pantomime.
‘I know I said the muse has drained my well dry, but something in my water (sorry? Ed) tells me there is a searing drama playing out in this village that is crying out to be reflected on the stage,’ she said. ‘I refer of course to a contemporary reworking of Flaubert’s classic Madame Bovary. This morality tale of a shallow, skittish woman who marries a decent if dull chap, then decides she hates village life, has various unsuitable liaisons and runs up huge debts, seems at once timeless and highly relevant.’