Russ gets a job and Shula writes to God: Happy Easter from the Ambridge Observer!

Stately home readies gallery relaunch

Lower Loxley is planning to rehang its art exhibition in a bid to attract visitors who are interested in culture, after its attempt to appeal to young families failed spectacularly at Hallowe’en.

Owner Elizabeth Pargetter, who has yet to regain Lower Loxley’s alcohol licence, has appointed artist and teacher Russell Burne Jones (are you sure? Ed) as manager of the gallery, taking over from veteran Lewis Carmichael. 

‘I’m sure Russ will bring a fresh perspective to the collection,’ said Mrs Pargetter. ‘He has a particular affinity with young artists, as many of the girls in his A-level classes at Borchester College will confirm. And his ideas about track lighting are simply transformational.’

Mr Jones said he was ‘excited’ about his new role. ‘Of course, one has to tread softly when inheriting a setting of such cultural significance,’ he said. ‘But I can tell you, now, those ghastly old oils of the Pargetters will have to go. I plan to paint over them with some resonant and deeply contemporary works of my own in mixed media.’ 

Don’t do dodgy chemical deals, farmers warned

Police are warning Borsetshire farmers against buying pesticides or insecticides unless they know they have been legally sourced and imported. 

‘We have evidence that the supply of illegal farm chemicals is spreading through the county,’ said Detective Constable Anna Key. ‘The people who import these products are often connected to organised crime networks that deal in illegal drugs and people trafficking.’

DC Key said the networks rely on recruiting cash-strapped farm workers to deliver shipments for them but warned how risky this can be.

‘Let me make it clear,’ she said. ‘You might think you can make some easy cash by driving a few drums of chemicals about. But these are seriously bad people and you wouldn’t want anyone you know to get mixed up with them.’

From the vicarage fireside

The Revd Alan Franks writes: Hullo! And a very happy Easter to you all. I’m afraid I had to spread myself thinly over the four parishes on Good Friday, so I must apologise if you only caught a glimpse of the hem of my cassock and a whiff of hot cross buns.

We Christians think of Easter as the season for the glorious affirmation of our faith, but we should remember there may be those in our flock who are wrestling with a spiritual crisis. A parishioner of mine is currently in this dark place, and to help her reflect, I suggested she write a letter to God. This she did, and I’m humbled to say she has allowed me to reproduce it here, in the hope that it may help someone else. 

And as you know, I’m always here to talk through your dilemmas and crises of conscience, no matter how inconvenient or tedious.

Dear God,

I’m afraid I’m having to write to You because, like so many men in my life, You’ve turned out to be a terrible disappointment. (Of course, You may be a woman, but I don’t really have the imagination to explore that).

I was hoping You might provide me with some kind of purpose in my life, after all the praying I’ve done, and cleaning up the churchyard and handing out the hymn books and everything. For example, I wanted to sublimate my spirit in art, but it turns out I can’t even draw. How unfair is that?

So I’ve decided to withdraw my labour for a while, God. I hope You’ll notice that I’m not at services and You’ll realise You should have been nicer to me, after all I’ve done for You.

Goodbye for now, God. 

Yours not very faithfully, 

Shula (Wasn’t this supposed to be anonymous? Ed.)

From the message boards

This week we drop in on the Ambridge Teen Forum, to see what the youngsters are chatting about online:

• Hi guys! Anyone know any jobs going? I’ll do anything, as long as it’s not, like, really dull or badly paid. Freddie

• Freddie, mate, we’ve been through this. You can work at The Stables or in the falconry at Lower Loxley. You’re good with the birds! Johnny 

• Not as good as I am! You know the Birmingham girls staying at Spiritual Home? Ben and I had a wicked time teaching one of them how to shoot an air rifle. She was really into me – till Chris Carter came over and went off on one about health and safety. Ruairi 

• Hi guys! New on here – staying in a stinky tent at Spiritual Home and looking for some fun. Anyone know a guy called Chris? He’s well peng and I told him I’m, like, nearly 17… Sadia

• Hey Sadia, remember us? Me and Ben can give you some more lessons if you like. Maybe if you brought some friends…? Ruairi

• Nah, you’re alright, there’s lads back home can teach me about guns. I’m more into the guns that guy Chris had, get me? Sadia

• Back to me, guys: A job with my family won’t look good on my CV. I’ve got to get something to impress my offender manager. Even creepy Russ is beginning to see how important my needs are. Help me out, guys – you OWE me!

• Shut up Freddie! Everyone 

Borsetshire Community Cinema

Showing this week: Look Back in Ambridge

In a big-screen adaptation of the gritty domestic drama, bewildered Tom and ambitious Natasha, his new wife, are living in a cramped flat above a village shop. Tom runs a pig business with his friend Jazzer while Natasha obsesses about bed linen. Frustration and anger get the better of them both, as Natasha accuses Tom of putting Jazzer and his family above her, and even when he sacks Jazzer she isn’t satisfied. Meanwhile he accuses her of being cold and heartless and spending too much time on the phone to her ex, Trev. Will Tom be able to sweep their differences under the carpet, as his dad advises? Or will Natasha’s taunting about Tom’s childhood trauma – the death of his elder brother John – provoke Tom into an outpouring of rage from which they can never recover? (Warning: contains upsetting scenes of overcooked beef tournedos and wilted broccoli).