Special edition! Academic Archers: Ambridge reacts

Ambridge was thrown into turmoil this weekend as academics gathered at the University of Sheffield to reveal new research into every aspect of village life.
'We don't know why they call it 'Academic Archers' when it should be 'Academic Grundys', said Eddie Grundy. 'Now there's two words you don't see together very often.'
'I do hope they haven't been delving too deeply,' said Jennifer Aldridge. 'Brian and I don't need the whole world to know we're down to our last tagine. And the least said about Kate, the better.'
The Ambridge Observer attended the event and we exclusively report here on selected highlights that got local residents talking:


• Ambridge's senior citizens are 'outraged' by the suggestion that close family ties and a supportive village environment are responsible for their remarkable longevity. Dr Sara Long of the Aneurin Bevan University Health Board has established that several residents in their 80s and 90s are much more independent and active than many of their peers elsewhere.
"Family support? What nonsense. It's bile and spite that keep me going,' said Mrs Peggy Woolley.'There's nothing like cutting your son out of your will or sacking your cleaner without notice to make you feel young again.'
'I put it down to passionate love-making with my Leonard,' said Mrs Jill Archer. 'That, and plenty of passive-aggressive interactions with my nearest and dearest.'
'I keeps going by cadging pints of Shires at The Bull and getting Clarrie to wait on me hand and foot – and the other foot if I've got a corn,' said Joe Grundy.
'Age is just a number, and I'm not very good at numbers, being a Classics man,' said Prof Jim Lloyd. 'No wonder I can't get the hang of the Parish Council finances.'

• Lynda Snell said she would be seeking legal advice after hearing that an actor called Carole Boyd was impersonating her at the event. 'Of course, when you are in my position you must expect it,' she said. 'Who would not wish to emulate the glamour, the joie de vivre and the sheer white heat of creativity that radiates from my person? But this must be nipped in the bud before it becomes an unhealthy obsession or, heaven forbid, a case of stalking. It's for her own good.'

• Borsetshire's Police & Crime Commissioner said he was 'surprised, but delighted' to hear that Ambridge is 'over-policed', when considering the number of police officers per head of population in the area.
'I've been waiting for an excuse to redeploy PC Harrison Burns for a while now,' he said, in response to a study by Charlotte Bilby of Northumbria University. 'Once he gets his sergeant's promotion, we'll second him to Felpersham serious crime squad, though frankly with his laughable clear-up rate he'll probably struggle.'
The PCC's office added that the focus on Ambridge will now be on crime prevention, with extra window stickers for the Neighbourhood Watch and a spare set of batteries for the Speedwatch gun.

• Shula Hebden Lloyd has rewritten the sermon that she failed to deliver at Rosie Archer's christening last week. 'A lady called Hannah Marije Altorf from St Mary's University sent me a copy of Iris Murdoch's The Sovereignty of Good, and it inspired me,' she said. 'My art project in St Stephen's will now focus on the 14 reasons why I was right to leave Alistair, with watercolour illustrations by Jill's friend Leonard. So empowering!'

• Pat Archer describes as 'disgraceful' a suggestion from Nicola Maxfield of the Green Room School that her grandson Henry is at risk of becoming a psychopathic criminal because of the trauma of his early years. 'Henry doesn't need counselling; we can look after him perfectly well in the family,' she said. 'As long we keep him away from sharp knives and never leave him alone with Jack he'll be absolutely fine.'

• Ambridge Women's Institute has adopted a proposal by Felicity Macdonald-Smith to create an 'Ambridge in 100 Objects' exhibition in the village hall. 'We're going to focus on iconic objects such as Brian Aldridge's cravat, Pip Archer's plate meter and Joe Grundy's wallet, though no one's ever seen that,' said the Chair.

• A report by James Armstrong from NATO into Counterinsurgency in Ambridge has been deemed so secret that villagers haven't been allowed to see it. However, Susan Carter said she wasn't concerned. 'If anyone tries to insurge over my counter I'll whack them over the head with a copy of Borsetshire Life!' she claims.

• The St Stephen's flower arranging rota is to be reviewed after Felicity Hall of the V & A revealed that it's very much the preserve of middle class, married women. 'Looking at the research it does seem that we could widen the net,' said the Revd Alan Franks. 'But it does explain why we don't see much of Kathy Perks these days. She disappeared into the vestry with an urn full of chrysanths one day and never came out again.'

• Elizabeth Pargetter said she's 'very interested' in the idea of an exhibition highlighting the queer history of Lower Loxley, following a suggestion from Dr Cara Courage of The Tate. 'Geraldine would never have stood for it but I expect Russ would be very keen to take it on,' she said.

• In response to a report from Rob Drummond of Manchester Metropolitan University, Clarrie Grundy has denied that any members of her family have problems with their vowels. 'That's a terrible thing to say!' she said. 'Ever since the e.Coli I've been ever so careful.'