Church aims at younger market

St Stephen’s Church is to offer ‘contemporary christenings’ in response to feedback from parishioners.

‘Talking to young parents like Toby Fairbrother and Pip Archer, it’s clear we need to make baptism more relevant and appropriate to modern families,’ said the Revd Alan Franks. ‘It seems people like the tradition, but there’s just too much God in it for most people.’

Parents will now be able to design their own christenings, including: 

• Reverend on remote:

Don’t let a boring church service interrupt the party! Book your own venue, order in the bubbly and dial up the vicar, who’ll conduct the service on Skype.

• Wow-factor vows:

Forget those scary promises about renouncing the Devil. Godparents: why not create your own dance routine to Rick Astley’s “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down”? Perfect sentiment and it will look so cool on Insta!

• Dunkin’ bonus baptism offer:

Refer a friend to have their child christened and get an extra quarter-peal of bells rung completely free!* 

• St Stephen’s loyalty card: 

Why wait for your rewards in Heaven? Check in at church five times in your baby’s first year and claim your free hot cross bun** at the Bridge Farm tea room!

*subject to Neil Carter’s bad back

** does not apply to gluten-free

E.H. Shepard / Flickr / bibliodysseyblogspot.com 

News flash:

Freddie Pargetter photographed as he left youth custody on licence on Friday, before taking the wheel for the drive home with his mother Elizabeth and twin sister Lily.

Happy Mothers’ Day, Ambridge!

We ask readers how they will be celebrating on this special day:

Jill Archer: ‘I’m hoping the entire family will come to Brookfield for lunch. I love nothing more than seeing everyone squashed round the table, wondering who’ll say the wrong thing next, and trying to make small talk with my Leonard, whom I love dearly even though he has the personality of a lamp post.’ 

Elizabeth Pargetter: ‘Every day is Mothers’ Day for me now that my Freddie is out of… well, now that he’s home. I expect we’ll spend it quietly at Lower Loxley. Freddie will probably read an improving book, and Russ will cook us something tasty. Oh, and Lily might be there, unless she’s working.

Clarrie Grundy: ‘I’ll be going to church to say thank you for my lovely family. William’s letting me, Eddie and Joe move into 1 The Green, when we leave Grange Farm, and he’s only charging us a commercial rent with the usual inflation-indexed increases and non-refundable deposit. I’m such a lucky woman!’  

Natasha Archer: ‘I’m going to Wales to see my mother, and my new husband Tom is staying in Ambridge to see his. Being a young, thrusting entrepreneurial couple is all about multi-tasking, isn’t it? This way, we can leverage the time window against the opportunity cost and maximise the outcomes, mothers-wise. I say, you couldn’t lend me a tenner for petrol, could you?’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your emotional and practical dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

I’ve discovered that my new wife has £15,000 of debt that she hadn’t told me about. She said she’d put her wedding dress on one credit card, but when I found another store card she said that was for her wedding dress too. The last time I had a bride with two wedding dresses it didn’t end well. What would you advise? Tom.

Dear Tom,

Money problems are a leading cause of marriage breakdown, so I would say you are right to be concerned. These debts are your responsibility too now, as the wedding vows include ‘For richer, for poorer’. But you might not be aware of this as I understand your last wedding didn’t get that far. Good luck. 

Dear Auntie Satya,

I love my new husband dearly but he’s got in a proper tizz over my credit card bills. He doesn’t seem to understand it costs money to look the part in business – it’s all about “fake it till you make it”. And now he’s cancelled the gorgeous house we were going to rent in Penny Hassett because we can’t afford it. How can we get round this? Natasha.

Dear Natasha,

Amor vincit omnia, as my old friend Prof Jim Lloyd would say. So I do hope you are able to find a way of managing your finances that suits you both. However if you are applying the principle of “fake it till you make it” to other aspects of your marriage then I would be more concerned. 

Dear Auntie Satya,

I am newly divorced and looking for a new purpose in life. Our vicar has suggested that I write a sermon about spirituality and the idea deeply appeals to me. Do you think I might have a vocation in the Church? Shula.

Dear Shula,

I try to be impartial when advising readers, but with your usual complete lack of self-awareness you seem to have forgotten how deeply you wounded my niece Usha with your attitude to her marriage. So forgive me if I say that I would rather rub chilli oil in my eyes than listen to you preaching about spirituality. But perhaps others will be more generous. 

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: It Shouldn’t Happen to a Vet.

Hardworking country vet Alistair hopes his money worries are over when he joins forces with a go-getting city practice. But how will he cope when he learns the price of independence is having to sell insurance policies to grumpy farmers?

‘A feel-good moo-vie ewe’ll never forget!' Veterinary Finance News.