Raise a glass to the new Mrs Archer!

Lower Loxley future hangs in balance

Lower Loxley, one of Borsetshire’s premier attractions, is in danger of losing its alcohol licence permanently, the Ambridge Observer can reveal.

A source close to the Pargetter family has received legal advice that the authorities will take a dim view of restoring a licence if Freddie Pargetter, who was convicted of drug dealing on the premises, returns to live there when he is released from detention shortly.

‘People are pleading with her, but Elizabeth won’t listen,’ said the source. ‘She says Lower Loxley is Freddie’s home, and that’s where he will be staying – licence or no licence.’  

In a statement, Mrs Pargetter insisted she had no concerns about the estate’s future. ‘There are many reasons why guests visit Lower Loxley that don’t require alcohol. The Treetop Walk, the Rare Breeds, the Orangery, the art gallery, the birds of prey – some people say you need a few gins to get through them all, but I’ve always enjoyed them sober. And Russ, my daughter’s partner, has a very nice Italian coffee maker if conference visitors need refreshments.’

WEDDING DAY ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr and Mrs Tom Archer would like to thank everyone for the kind wishes and generous gifts they received on the occasion of their wedding (apart from the fondue forks from Helen, Natasha didn’t like those much.)

Special thanks are due to Tom’s mother Pat, for not voicing her doubts loudly enough to spoil the day, and to Johnny Phillips, who was Tom’s first choice for best man once he had asked everyone else, for not making a speech. Cheers Johnny – we all dodged a bullet there!

Many thanks also to Kenton and Jolene at The Bull for hosting the reception, which featured Tom Archer’s sausage on a stick (are you sure? Ed), fruit punch made with the bride’s own juices (this is ridiculous. Ed) and a cake topped with figures of the bride and groom, with her foot jokingly on his throat.

The guests drank a toast to friends who were unavoidably absent, including Roy Tucker (overseeing a laundry delivery at Grey Gables), Ed Grundy (being groomed by Tim while putting up some fencing in Penny Hassett), Kirsty Miller (just too awkward) and the groom’s sister Helen (hiding from Lee in the dairy with her cheese-maker’s apron over her head). 

After a one-night honeymoon at a sustainable packaging conference in Rhyl, the happy couple will be making their home in Ambridge, sharing with Tom’s housemates Johnny and Hannah. Shout–out to Hannah for being a trouper about it! And young Johnny spends most of his time in the cowshed with the Montbéliardes, who he says are better company. Such a joker, Johnster!

We are women, hear us roar!

It was International Women’s Day on Friday, so we asked some of Ambridge’s most high-profile ladies (women. Ed) how they marked this special event for the fairer sex (I give up. You’re fired. Ed.)

Mrs Natasha Archer (née Thomas): ‘International Women’s Day is my birthday, so I’ve always thought they chose it just for me! And it’s so appropriate as I’m such an international woman – I travelled all the way from Wales to find my true love in Borsetshire. I celebrated this year by getting married and changing my name to my husband’s! So now I’m Natasha Archer. Of course, we’re a modern couple, so my husband and I discussed him changing his name to mine, but then he’d be Thomas Thomas, which we thought was a bit daft, see? And on the day, my mam and dad got stuck on the bypass so I asked my new father-in-law Tony to walk me the 30 feet from the register office door to the front of the room, because I was too nervous to do it on my own. It was a wonderful wedding and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate International Women’s Day.’

Emma Grundy: ‘It’s so important to raise the profile of women in public life, which is why I joined the Parish Council. I celebrated by speaking truth to power: I tackled Justin Elliott about the footpath he’s closed off, even though it’s a popular dog-walking route. I was really getting my point across when he asked if I’d like to go and see the foundations of the new house Ed and I are buying, and once we got chatting about the lovely kitchen and how I’d be able to keep an eye on the kids while doing the washing up, I forgot all about the footpath! Silly me. And Ed didn’t help, asking Justin all kinds of awkward questions. He doesn’t realise we should be grateful!

Jennifer Aldridge: ‘To me, International Women’s Day is about celebrating the role of women as the bedrock of the family, and my husband Brian feels the same: so much so he’s had more than one family! So this year I celebrated by asking my daughter Alice, who’s a qualified engineer with a high-powered job, when she and her husband are going to have a baby! I don’t know why she took it so badly. After all, she’s getting on a bit now and my son and his husband are managing it even though they aren’t, you know, a conventional couple! My children have all brought me so much joy and that’s all I want for Alice.’

Hannah Riley: ‘I got off my face and had a meaningless one-night stand with some random from Groovvzz in Borchester. Pretending I’ve got no feelings when a bloke I’m in love with gets married to someone else is my way of sticking it to the patriarchy. Yeah.’

Jill Archer: ‘I celebrated by having an extra-vigorous Scrabble session with my new beau, Leonard. I wore him out so much he fell asleep on the sofa, poor dear. My son David doesn’t approve but d’you know, I’ve never felt more liberated in my life!’