Lower Loxley future hangs in balance
Lower
Loxley, one of Borsetshire’s premier attractions, is in danger of losing its
alcohol licence permanently, the Ambridge
Observer can reveal.
A source
close to the Pargetter family has received legal advice that the authorities
will take a dim view of restoring a licence if Freddie Pargetter, who was
convicted of drug dealing on the premises, returns to live there when he is
released from detention shortly.
‘People are
pleading with her, but Elizabeth won’t listen,’ said the source. ‘She says
Lower Loxley is Freddie’s home, and that’s where he will be staying – licence
or no licence.’
In a
statement, Mrs Pargetter insisted she had no concerns about the estate’s future.
‘There are many reasons why guests visit Lower Loxley that don’t require
alcohol. The Treetop Walk, the Rare Breeds, the Orangery, the art gallery, the
birds of prey – some people say you need a few gins to get through them all,
but I’ve always enjoyed them sober. And Russ, my daughter’s partner, has a very
nice Italian coffee maker if conference visitors need refreshments.’
WEDDING DAY ANNOUNCEMENT
Mr and Mrs
Tom Archer would like to thank everyone for the kind wishes and generous gifts
they received on the occasion of their wedding (apart from the fondue forks
from Helen, Natasha didn’t like those much.)
Special
thanks are due to Tom’s mother Pat, for not voicing her doubts loudly enough to
spoil the day, and to Johnny Phillips, who was Tom’s first choice for best man
once he had asked everyone else, for not making a speech. Cheers Johnny – we
all dodged a bullet there!
Many thanks
also to Kenton and Jolene at The Bull for hosting the reception, which featured
Tom Archer’s sausage on a stick (are you
sure? Ed), fruit punch made with the bride’s own juices (this is ridiculous. Ed) and a cake
topped with figures of the bride and groom, with her foot jokingly on his
throat.
The guests
drank a toast to friends who were unavoidably absent, including Roy Tucker (overseeing
a laundry delivery at Grey Gables), Ed Grundy (being groomed by Tim while
putting up some fencing in Penny Hassett), Kirsty Miller (just too awkward) and
the groom’s sister Helen (hiding from Lee in the dairy with her cheese-maker’s
apron over her head).
After a
one-night honeymoon at a sustainable packaging conference in Rhyl, the happy
couple will be making their home in Ambridge, sharing with Tom’s housemates
Johnny and Hannah. Shout–out to Hannah for being a trouper about it! And young
Johnny spends most of his time in the cowshed with the Montbéliardes, who he
says are better company. Such a joker, Johnster!
We are women, hear us roar!
It was
International Women’s Day on Friday, so we asked some of Ambridge’s most
high-profile ladies (women. Ed) how
they marked this special event for the fairer sex (I give up. You’re fired. Ed.)
Mrs Natasha Archer (née Thomas): ‘International Women’s Day is my
birthday, so I’ve always thought they chose it just for me! And it’s so
appropriate as I’m such an international woman – I travelled all the way from
Wales to find my true love in Borsetshire. I celebrated this year by getting
married and changing my name to my husband’s! So now I’m Natasha Archer. Of
course, we’re a modern couple, so my husband and I discussed him changing his
name to mine, but then he’d be Thomas Thomas, which we thought was a bit daft,
see? And on the day, my mam and dad got stuck on the bypass so I asked my new
father-in-law Tony to walk me the 30 feet from the register office door to the
front of the room, because I was too nervous to do it on my own. It was a
wonderful wedding and I can’t think of a better way to celebrate International
Women’s Day.’
Emma Grundy: ‘It’s so important to raise the profile of
women in public life, which is why I joined the Parish Council. I celebrated by
speaking truth to power: I tackled Justin Elliott about the footpath he’s
closed off, even though it’s a popular dog-walking route. I was really getting
my point across when he asked if I’d like to go and see the foundations of the
new house Ed and I are buying, and once we got chatting about the lovely
kitchen and how I’d be able to keep an eye on the kids while doing the washing
up, I forgot all about the footpath! Silly me. And Ed didn’t help, asking
Justin all kinds of awkward questions. He doesn’t realise we should be
grateful!
Jennifer Aldridge: ‘To me, International Women’s Day is about
celebrating the role of women as the bedrock of the family, and my husband
Brian feels the same: so much so he’s had more than one family! So this year I
celebrated by asking my daughter Alice, who’s a qualified engineer with a
high-powered job, when she and her husband are going to have a baby! I don’t
know why she took it so badly. After all, she’s getting on a bit now and my son
and his husband are managing it even though they aren’t, you know, a
conventional couple! My children have all brought me so much joy and that’s all
I want for Alice.’
Hannah Riley: ‘I got off my face and had a meaningless
one-night stand with some random from Groovvzz in Borchester. Pretending I’ve
got no feelings when a bloke I’m in love with gets married to someone else is
my way of sticking it to the patriarchy. Yeah.’
Jill Archer: ‘I celebrated by having an extra-vigorous
Scrabble session with my new beau, Leonard. I wore him out so much he fell
asleep on the sofa, poor dear. My son David doesn’t approve but d’you know,
I’ve never felt more liberated in my life!’
It's through satire like this that the shady hand of the patriarchy is revealed. Keep up the good work sister
ReplyDeleteThank you, it's nice to catch up with the finer details of life in Borsetshire. Nutasher is portrayed as wanting to get her hands on more than Tom's sausage.
ReplyDeleteExcellent stuff! Many thanks!
ReplyDelete