Tom shocks his mum, Leonard comes clean and a tough week for Freddie

Pig row causes stink at Bridge Farm

One of Ambridge’s leading farming families has been ripped apart over plans to stop pig production at Bridge Farm.

‘I don’t know how Tom can be thinking of selling the pigs when they’re a living memorial to our late son John,’ said Mrs Pat Archer. ‘I can see why Tom’s new wife Natasha might want us to modernise, but I feel she’s stabbing me in the heart, trampling over our family history in those sharp little stilettos.’

But Tom Archer defended his decision to sell off the pig herd to concentrate on retailing. 

‘Natasha’s such a great businesswoman,’ he said. ‘She reminded me that successful marketing is all about selling the sizzle, not the sausage. So I’m going to get rid of the pigs, which we won’t need to provide sausages any more, and sell sizzles instead. I’m not exactly sure where you source sizzles from, but Natasha says she can get them on her credit card. You can print them off the internet as well. It’s really cool apparently.’

Stop press: A herd of pigs has escaped from Bridge Farm and was last seen making its way to the new mud chamber at Spiritual Home. Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) said he suspected sabotage as the gate to the pigs’ field had been left open.

‘I’m going to interview Jazzer McCreary as I understand he’s about to lose his job as pigman at Bridge Farm and there may be some resentment there,’ he said.

Contacted by the Ambridge Observer, Mr McCreary denied involvement. ‘I didnae leave the gate open, but if my girls have voted with their trotters and set up hame elsewhere I wouldnae blame them,’ he said. ‘Ever since Tom Archer got hisself hitched to that Natasha he’s danced to her tune and lost the wee bit sense he wa’ born wi’.’

Kate Madikane, owner of Spiritual Home, said she was ‘shocked’ to find the pigs wallowing in the mud chamber, which is a major new investment for guests at her holistic spa.

‘To be honest, I didn’t notice at first as we’re hosting a group of disadvantaged youngsters from Birmingham and I just thought they were trying out the facilities,’ she said. ‘But when PC Burns pointed out they were actually Tom Archer’s pigs, I was horrified.’  

TV Preview: Last Tango in Ambridge

In this week’s episode of the gentle domestic sitcom, Jill’s new love Leonard has to confess he can’t really paint watercolours and only told Jill he was a bit of an artist to impress her. Meanwhile, Jill’s troubled daughter Shula can’t bring herself to deliver a sermon at young Rosie Archer’s christening because she’s assailed with self-doubt about the break-up of her marriage. Luckily, kindly old atheist Jim Lloyd is on hand at Grey Gables with praise for her newfound integrity and just a hint of ‘I told you so’ when Shula confesses her faith may be wavering.

With Shula’s dream of an art installation at St Stephen’s dashed, due to Leonard’s incompetence, will she find peace on retreat at the Cistercian abbey just outside Felpersham, or will she revert to type and set her cap at the nearest available man – Jakob the enigmatic but highly skilled (and half-Swedish) equine vet?

The Secret Diary of Freddie Pargetter, aged 19^1/₂

Sunday

A horrid day. Kate blanked me at Rosie’s christening because she blames me for making Noli sick with the pill I gave her. It wasn’t my fault; I told her not to take the whole thing. No one can stand Kate, but now there’s someone everyone hates more than her – ME. It’s so unfair!

Monday

A horrid day. I told Aunty Shula I don’t want to go on a ‘thinking skills’ course, because, duh, I THINK I never want to see anyone from the Young Offenders’ ever again. And there’s a nice girl at The Stables but she’s not going to want to go out with an ex-convict, is she? It’s so unfair! Then I went out for a drink with Johnny and I kept getting texts from Mum and Bunny Boy Russ, asking where I was. How dare they CARE about me? It’s so UNFAIR!

Tuesday

A horrid day. Lily gave me a good talking-to and I realised I’ve probably been a bit mean to Mum. She’s had a hard time – though not as hard as me of course – and I should be more sympathetic and help her get better. Lily cried, and I know she’s finding it tough – but not as tough as me. I’m sorry for her, but I told her I’m NEVER going to be nice to that creep Russ, who’s oozing round everyone like a patchouli-scented oil slick.  

Friday

A horrid day. I went to see Uncle Kenton to ask if he had any work. He was quite batey and said I wasn’t the only one having a hard time. I mean, how dare he? I was the one in PRISON, not him! It’s so unfair!

Then I went to apologise to Harrison Burns, which I thought was jolly manly of me, and he was quite nice about it. So I went to see Fallon at the Tea Room because Harrison said Tyler was leaving and there might be a job for me. I apologised to her too. Honestly, people don’t seem to realise how tiring it is, saying sorry all the time. But then she said she didn’t want me working in the café, even though I promised I wouldn’t make any hash brownies. Honestly, some people have no sense of humour. I told her, she OWES me, because her dad started me off on my so-called life of crime by selling me drugs when I was 14. She went ballistic. But why is Jailbird Uncle Wayne now making fancy sandwiches in The Bull, when Fallon won’t even let me make a cup of tea in her poxy café? Nobody wants me to be rehabilitated and resume my place at the top of the social heirarchy, as I deserve. It’s so unFAIR!