Ruth celebrates, Toby parties and Kate bounces back

New treatments turn up the heat

Kate Madikane, owner of the troubled Spiritual Home holistic retreat, has launched three new treatments in a bid to woo back customers who have been put off by the toxic spill clean-up at Low Mead. 'My trip to the USA showed me that today's spa customer is looking for something more than a bland facial or boring old Reiki session,' she said. Ms Madikane describes her new treatments for us: 

• Anger Therapy. 'This is a type of hot stone massage, where I heat the stones so they’re just a bit too hot. Then I turn the whale music up loud and give the client a real pummelling while ranting on about my problems and blaming everyone but myself.'
• Truth Bomb. 'Secrets are toxic – I should know! So for this treatment, the client has to blurt out the most inconvenient truth they can think of to someone. In my case, I told Pip Archer that I'd slept with her baby-father at her mother's birthday party. So liberating!' 
• Bonk and Bounce. 'This one is really fun. All you need is champagne, a bouncy castle and a random to have a meaningless fling with – in my case, I chose Toby Fairbrother as you can't get more meaningless than him. Just one tip ladies – take your stilettos off or the whole experience might be a bit deflating!'

‘These treatments are so new and exciting, I don't know what they will do for clients,' said Ms Madikane. 'But they're working wonders for me.’

Onwards and upwards at Bridge Farm 

Helen Archer says she is 'disappointed, but inspired' by failing to win a prize at this year's Food & Farming Awards, run by The Food Programme on BBC Radio 4. 'I'm not bitter – unlike Tom's kefir (sorry - joke!!)', she said. 'I still have faith in my cheeses, and in fact, failing to win this award has given me the confidence to tell Tom exactly how he should run his business, and interfere in his dissertation for the Nuffield scholarship. So it's all good.
'Meanwhile, I am training my grandma Peggy's cat, Hilda Ogden, to be an artisan cheese-maker, so she can enter the Pets' Party Pieces contest at the fete. This is the kind of quirky marketing stunt that will really help our brands break through.'

From the vicar's fireside 

The Revd. Alan Franks writes:

I'd like to start by welcoming a new family to Ambridge. Esther Pickle, her mum Ina, dad Branston and brother Dill have just moved in to Grange Spinney. Esther is a keen bellringer and has already joined our happy team at St Stephen's. She is an independent young woman with a personal style that I believe is called 'Goth', and her favourite bands include The Jesus and Mary Chain and the Sisters of Mercy, which sounds very appropriate. Welcome, Pickle family!

Taking of bellringing, I'm also delighted that PC Harrison Burns has also agreed to join our tower as we prepare for the nationwide 'Ringing Remembers' event on Armistice Day. PC Burns has promised to take his helmet off, so to speak, while ringing so we needn't worry that anything we say will be used in evidence! Although it's Neil Carter who keeps us in line, and he says Harrison has a lot to learn. Let's say his comments added a fair few pounds to the swear box!

And of course, my lovely wife Usha is returning to the team, which is just as well as Shula Hebden Lloyd, such a stalwart, is so busy she always has a diary clash when Usha is ringing. Usha says her ringing is rusty, but as I often say to her when we turn in for the night: Come on old girl, it's just like riding a bike. Good luck to all our ringers! 

Poem of the Week

Thank you to Bert Fry, Borsetshire Laureate, for allowing us to publish the poem he was commissioned to write for Ruth Archer’s glittering 50th birthday party at Home Farm.

When Ruth first appeared from a dairy afar,

Shining on Ambridge like a radiant star,

She was a farming student, just nineteen,

And not the smartest we’d ever seen.

Her tractor driving test she failed,

Ruined a day’s milk yield – how Phil wailed!

And she so upset poor Mr Wendover,

Phil begged me to come in and take over!

Despite all this, from the very start

Between her and David there was a spark.

At Nightingale Farm they pledged their troth

And ever since, love has blessed them both.

Jill Archer planned Ruth’s wedding day,

But the bride wanted things her way!

A woman vicar, no bridesmaids at all,

And a knees-up in the village hall.

But Ruth looked stunning as a bride,

And David Archer fair burst with pride.

And the famous story still gets told

Of Ruth’s dad’s speech about toilet rolls.

And then in February 1993,

They welcomed Pip to their family.

To be followed by Josh and Ben, who, they say,

Was conceived on top of a stack of hay!

Of course, in all the happy years,

There have been troubles, pain and tears.

But Ruth’s bright spirit keeps shining through,

And she’s always got a kind word for you.

So raise your glasses, say three cheers,

For the lady celebrating 50 years.

A much-loved member of the Archer clan –

And soon about to be a Gran!

(Unfortunately, for space reasons, we have had to cut the next 43 verses.

But thank you Bert!)

Pet of the Week

Name: Fluffy

Owner: Nathan Booth

Likes: Eating crickets

Dislikes: Playing cricket

Do say: ‘Yes Nathan, I’m sure he would be saying Gottle of Geer if his mouth wasn’t full of crickets’.

Don’t say: ‘A bearded dragon ventriloquist act? I didn’t know Peggy Woolley and Christine Barford were entering the Pets’ Party Pieces competition!’