Kate sees red, Lily's in hot water and Shula cooks up trouble

US intervention steps up threat of trade war
 

Kate Madikane, owner of holistic retreat Spiritual Home, has walked out of summit talks designed to ease financial woes at Home Farm.

‘Kate says her father Brian Aldridge is weak and dishonest, and never told her he was selling the field surrounding Spiritual Home,’ says an insider.

‘If she’d got the email while she was away in Arizona, she would have come straight back to stop it. But she was on a goat yoga retreat and totally off grid.’

‘Kate has warned Brian there will be war over the sale, which would see tractors to-ing and fro-ing just yards from her yurts every day,’ said our source. ‘She means business since her US research trip. She went on a haircut healing course and had her hair permed into a huge blonde power quiff. It’s truly scary. Brian had better watch out.’

 Nice work if you can get it

The summer’s hottest reality TV show has inspired a local farmer to step up his recruitment drive for seasonal workers.

Home Farm’s strawberry picking operation has been renamed ‘The Polytunnels of Love Island’. Workers will compete to go on glamorous dates, such as carvery night at the Torn Scrotum in Felpersham.

‘My sister Kate gave me the idea,’ said Adam Macy. ‘She said we need to attract young, energetic workers and to get the place buzzing with hormones. So what better way than to inject some sizzling babes, booze and bantz into the mix?’

Mr Macy said new recruits would be issued with sparkly swimwear, shades and vouchers for cocktails, which they will enjoy on their breaks by the Home Farm swimming pool.

‘Each week the pickers will be coupled up, and we’ll have a ‘Fruitiest Guy’ and ‘Sweetest Girl’ contest,’ said Mr Macy. ‘It’s going to be hot, hot, hot in the Polytunnels of Love Island!’

The Trials of Lily Pargetter

In the latest chapter of our sensational summer saga, by award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine plays a dangerous game to experience the ecstasies of love…

‘Ach, Liebling! Bei mir bist du so … sexy!’ Lily purred in delight and pressed the phone closer to her ear. ‘Revising with books is so bourgeois, darling,’ Russ had told her. ‘You and I speak the language of love!’

‘Ich auch!’ she said. ‘Sorry doll – you got a cold?’ Russ quipped. He was so funny. They’d even devised a secret code: if they were on the phone and Russ said ‘Hier kommt meine Frau’, it meant it wasn’t safe to talk. So clever of him!

Reluctantly ending the call, Lily went into the kitchen.

‘So Lily – how is Meredith? You’ve been with her nearly all weekend!’ her mother asked, a little too brightly.

‘Yeah Lily, how is… Meredith?’ Freddie asked, making quote marks with his fingers behind their mum’s back. ‘Shut UP!’ Lily hissed at him. ‘Oh, you know Meredith. Still got her verruca. She needs a lot of support. What’s for lunch?’

‘There’s fresh ham,’ Elizabeth said, expertly slicing a bloomer.

‘Oh no, sorry mum – Lily prefers an old ham, don’t you sis?’ said Freddie with a huge wink.

‘What on earth do you mean, Freddie?’ her mother turned a quizzical eye on them. Then her phone buzzed and she frowned. ‘Oh damn, it’s the photocopier sales convention organiser again. I’ll have to take this, darlings.’

‘Ha ha – saved by the bell! But mum’s on to you, Lily,’ Freddie crowed. ‘You’d better get your story straight if you want to carry on seeing sleazy old Russ...’

Lily stabbed viciously at a slice of ham, wishing it were her hideous brother…How dare he try to spoil the rare, precious love she had found with her deputy head teacher?

*

‘Well, you do look super-cool in your shades and summer dresses, dears!’ Aunty Christine waddled over the Green towards Lily and Elizabeth. ‘Do you mind if I join you?’

Lily breathed a sigh of relief. At least now Mum would stop dropping hints about her and Meredith, and how Clare Balding was one of her favourite TV presenters, and didn’t Lily think that Ruth Davidson was a talented politician?

‘Of course, Christine! We’re just enjoying a short break in the sun before Lily’s next exam,’ said Elizabeth. ‘She’s already turned down the chance to play cricket on Sunday to revise.’ Lily shivered inwardly with delight. On Sunday, she wouldn’t be playing cricket or revising with the imaginary  Meredith. She and Russ would be in their own little world in the car park of that quiet pub on the bypass… Christine’s quavering voice broke into her reverie.

‘But you do have breaks, dear!’ she was saying. ‘Jim and I saw you, with a tall chap, at that art exhibition in Felpersham!’

Lily went cold. She forced herself to smile. ‘Oh no, not me, Aunty Chris. I was revising!’

Christine looked puzzled. ‘But I was sure… you were wearing that lovely scarlet jacket of yours. But I might have been mistaken. Harrison and Fallon think I’m going gaga, you know. Just because I can’t tell a flapjack from a gluten free cookie. They’re all stale anyway, since they stopped using Tupperware like normal people.’

‘Yes!’ Lily yelped. Her aunt gave her a hurt look. ‘I mean… No, of course you’re not gaga, Aunty  Christine. I just meant yes, you were mistaken. I was revising with my friend Meredith… wasn’t I mum?’

‘Lily’s right, Christine. She’s always at Meredith’s these days. It must have been someone else.’

Lily’s heart, which had been pounding in her chest, began to beat more calmly. But her mother was giving Lily a long, thoughtful look. Oh, how long would she and Russ have to keep up this painful deception, before they could declare their love to the whole world?

To be continued….

Recipe of the week

Thank to Shula Hebden-Lloyd of The Stables for sending in her version of this weekday family favourite:

Spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread

Serves two (will freeze. In fact, quite likely to)

8oz minced words

Two strong onions (for crying)

Tin of you say tomatoes, I say tom-ay-toes, let’s call the whole thing off

1 cup stock phrases

Pinch of bitter herbs

Slices of stale regret

Butter (no parsnips)

Crushed garlic hopes. Sorry, cloves.

Serve with a bottle of Merlot while pretending to laugh at a video of goat yoga. Then have a row and slam the door on your way out.