Hot-shot  lawyer takes up desperate mum’s appeal

A lawyer famous for his high-profile clients says he is confident there are grounds to appeal the sentence of a year in detention that was handed down to Freddie Pargetter of Lower Loxley last week.

Freddie’s mother Elizabeth retained ‘Tech’ Nick Allity after claiming that her son, 18, was unsafe in the young offenders’ institute where he was sent from Borchester Crown Court, following his conviction for dealing class A drugs.

‘My poor Freddie will never survive in that place, with people like that,’ she said. ‘There are no scented candles, the pillows are synthetic and there’s no menu to choose from at lunch, as he is used to. And all my so-called friend Usha Franks suggested was to calm down and have a nice cup of tea.’

Mr Allity, who recently hit the headlines for getting a Premier League footballer off a fraud charge on the grounds that he was too stupid to deceive anyone, said there were aspects of the case that gave serious cause for concern.

‘Gimme a break. The cop who arrested this fine young man was out on his bachelor party, dressed as a broad and under the influence of hard liquor,’ said New York-born Mr Allity. ‘Show me anyplace in the Police and Criminal Evidence Act where that’s legal. We’ll have Mr Pargetter out of jail as fast as his mom can transfer 100,000 US to my offshore bank account.’

Snell to bow out in style

Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell has vowed that this year’s Christmas production, which will be her last, will cement her reputation as ‘Borsetshire’s Greatest Show-woman.’

‘Like P.T. Barnum, I feel that, in my own small way, I too have the gift of the business we call show,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘So what could be more fitting than to re-stage, in Ambridge, the story of a visionary who rose from humble beginnings to create a spectacle that became a worldwide sensation?

‘That said, my production, what I have written myself in traditional rhyming couplets, is completely original and draws on my own recent creative influences, which include Anna Karenina, Moby Dick, The Great Gatsby, The Silmarillion and The Tiger Who Came To Tea (little Mungo’s favourite). I can truly promise there will be something for all the family.’

Flower & Produce Show: news round-up

Do you recognise this cabbage?

• Entrants to the Ambridge Flower & Produce Show have been questioned by police investigating the cabbage-throwing incident at Aston Villa’s last home game. ‘We are following a tip-off that a gardener who was pipped to the post for best cabbage may have decided to take his rage out on Aston Villa’s beleaguered manager, Steve Bruce,’ said a spokesperson. ‘We understand that feelings at the show were running high but there’s no excuse for assault with a potentially deadly vegetable.’

• The acceptance speech made by Jennifer Aldridge, winner of the Freda Fry Cup, is officially the longest and weepiest the Flower & Produce Show has ever seen. ‘People felt sorry for her, because she’s having to sell Home Farm, but they began to walk out after she started thanking everyone from her infant school teacher to Fabrice of Felpersham,’ said one visitor. ‘It didn’t help that she wiped her nose on Hilary Noakes’s entry in the “Embroidered ‘Scenes of Borsetshire” category.’

• Bookies described the Show as a ‘skinner’ after Nic’s Harvest Pie, the 100-1 outsider in the Savouries category, was awarded a Highly Commended certificate. ‘There was a late surge of bets on it, but something about that pie didn’t smell right,’ said one.     

 From the message boards

This week we drop in on the Ambridge Community Forum, to find out what residents are chatting about online:

• Hey guys, did you hear Ellis got arrested for dealing, just like Freddie? Reckon he’ll get more than a year – deserves it too. He was the one Freddie was scared of. JohnnyP.

• Yeah. Shocker about Freddie though. Where am I supposed to get sorted for the Naughty Forties Singles Night at the Torn Scrotum? TraceyKardashianOnlyJokinHorrobin

• LOLZ. Don’t worry Trace, when Freddie gets out he’ll be a proper criminal – get you anything you like. FelpershamCityFan.

• Um, legal point here, chaps. Does anyone know how one can avoid a particular judge who is clearly rather harsh when it comes to the old sentencing malarkey? Asking for a friend. HomeFarmBrian.

• Posh Boy should’ve got longer. And if Ellis finds he dobbed him in, he’d better watch himself in the showers, if you get me. Ellis got mates everywhere. DunCrimeDoTime

• Oh, this is all so distressing! My Freddie is sensitive, like his poor father. He’ll never manage in that dreadful place. How can you all be so horrid? LoLoLizzie.

• Like we care… Everyone.

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Your week in the stars

Our resident astrologer Janet Planet reveals what fate has in store for readers:

Capricorn

The stars are indeed capricious for Goats fresh from victory at the Flower & Produce Show. The prospect of your home of 40 years being turned into luxury flats by a woman called Belcher is a bitter blow, but don’t let it drive you into bingeing on leftover sausage rolls and apricot strudel.

Gemini

Venus, planet of peace, is smiling on you this week and will see the end of a troubling family rift. Your natural generosity will prompt you to give away free birthday cakes to old ladies, but beware: if your husband finds out you are spending profits that should be going into your ISA, the atmosphere of harmony may be short-lived.

Libra

Not a very happy birthday for Librans, who are troubled by inconvenient incidents such as your grandson being in jail and your elderly sister-in-law breaking her hip after tripping over the cat. However, your sunny, upbeat nature will soon reassert itself as you know there is very little in life that can’t be sorted out with a big pot of Earl Grey and a slice of lemon drizzle.   

Borsetshire Rural Cinema: Announcement

Apologies, film fans: there will be no screening in the Village Hall this week as we were sent the wrong film by mistake. Instead of ‘Babe: Pig in the City’ we received ‘Put a Porker in it’, in which Hannah the horny pig-handler gets right under the skin of Big Tom, who’s famed for the size of his sausage. To quote the trailer, it contains “sizzlin’ scenes of makin’ bacon” that the Cinema Committee deemed completely unsuitable for family viewing, once they had watched it three times to make sure.