Brian's bored, Bert's concerned and Burns strikes again

Burns claims new arrest record

Borsetshire's Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has said his tally of arrests has risen by 100 per cent over the summer, a new record for the area.

'I hope residents will feel safer knowing that policing performance has improved so dramatically,' said PC Burns, who told a packed press conference that he arrested Jolene Archer,  landlady of The Bull in Ambridge, for anti-social behaviour at a family party last week.

'I warned Mrs Archer about her aggressive competitiveness while we were playing a board game, Escape from Atlantis,' he said. 'But she persisted in drowning my Atlanteans and crowing about it in a provocative manner. She left me no option but to arrest her for hurting the feelings of a police officer, which as we all know is a hate crime. And if it isn't, it should be. That game has been my favourite since childhood and she has ruined it for me.'

After taking a moment to compose himself, PC Burns went on to point out that, with the conviction of Freddie Pargetter for drug-dealing, his clear-up rate doubled from one arrest to two in the past year.

'It's all in a day's work for me,' he said, modestly. 'And make no mistake, I would have arrested Lynda Snell for allowing Monty to foul on the village green, if Robert Snell hadn't been so nifty with the poop scoop and bio-degradable scented bag. Let criminals of Borsetshire be aware: we never sleep.'

Brexit: what do millennials think?

As Brexit negotiations enter their final crucial phase, we asked some of the younger generation for their views:

Tom Archer: 'Brexit? Ooh, tricky one. I'd have to ask Natasha, my Nuffield scholarship colleague.  She's so smart, she's bound to have built it into her business strategy. Thanks though – you've given me another reason to ring her!'  

Josh Archer: 'Brexit's going to be fantastic for my business. When farmers find out they'll have a three-year wait for a shiny new tractor, they'll be queuing up for my pre-loved, reconditioned models at a premium price. I won't even need to bother scrubbing off the rust and pumping the tyres up, like I do now. Bring it on!'

Johnny Phillips: 'I think Brexit will help me as we're getting some French cows at Bridge Farm and I thought I'd have to learn French, but Josh says I'll be able to make them speak English instead. Josh is brilliant. He's letting me do all the milking at Brookfield so I can practise.'

Hannah Riley: 'People make far too much fuss about it. They should just get on with it. Like, I'm dating Chad, but Tom's my housemate, so why not? We're both adults and a bit of sexy time never... what? Oh, Brexit! Sorry, misheard. Never mind, have you got a few minutes now? I'll just ditch these overalls.. '    That's more than enough vox pop. Ed.  

Autumn Charity Appeal

As the days shorten and winter draws near, we ask for your support to help vulnerable older people in our community. People who have given so much, and expect so little. People like Brian. Only a few months ago, Brian was a respected landowner who nearly won the Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year award. Now, thanks to a silly misunderstanding over a toxic chemical spill and a multi-million pound clean-up bill, Brian is a broken man. Instead of presiding over board meetings and barking out orders, he is forced to spend his days:

• helping to chop vegetables for lunch

• complaining about his stepson’s pesticide regime   

• pretending to take an interest in the welfare of elderly relatives.

Please help Brian regain his self-esteem, so he can hold court at the Golf Club bar again, boring everyone with his newly acquired opinions about opportunities for meat exports after Brexit. 

Even a small donation will make a difference, especially to Brian’s wife Jennifer, who can’t wait to get him out from under her feet. Thank you. 

Poem of The Week

Thank you to Bert Fry, the Bard of Borsetshire, for sending us this moving poem, written in honour of his employer Elizabeth Pargetter. 

Lament for Lower Loxley

Now in our lives we all have trouble,

But poor Elizabeth, she has double.

Her son Freddie’s brought terrible shame

On the noble Pargetter name.

In youth offenders’ he does languish,

Causing his mum unbearable anguish.

And while she’d move the earth to free him,

He won’t even let anyone see him.

And in the family there are still hard feelings,

Now they know about Freddie’s dealings.

They can’t manage to forgive and forget

That he put Noluthando in a hospital bed.

So I took Elizabeth on the Tree Top Walk,

And her and me had a little talk.
For while she's in such an anxious state,
She's neglecting work on the estate.

The shrubs need pruning, the lawn's a sight,
Poor Geraldine's toiling day and night.
But though she said she'd heed my words
I don't think Elizabeth really heard.

Young Lily would see the state we're in,
But she's at uni, living in sin.
And so I fear we'll all rue the day
That Master Pargetter was put away. 

Pets of the Week

Names: Gladys and Gloria

Belong to: Jill Archer, Brookfield

Likes: Foraging, squabbling, being shut up safely at night

Dislikes: Josh Archer, foxes, nearly being massacred

Do say: ‘Well done for hiding in the orchard. So sorry about your friends.’

Don’t say: ‘Calm down, ladies. You’re running round like headless chickens.'