Art committee off to a rocky start
The committee
to commission an artwork for St Stephen’s Church is in disarray this week after
its first meeting broke up in acrimony.
Chair Shula
Hebden Lloyd said she was disappointed, but was sure the committee would come
to an agreement eventually. ‘Robust discussion is natural when there are big
creative personalities in the room, and some strong suggestions came through,’
she said. ‘For instance, Lynda Snell suggested a giant pair of feet, though we felt
that might be a bit cheesy. And Russell Jones spoke passionately on the theme
of “forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors”. It seemed to mean a lot
to him personally.’
But an
anonymous committee member said there was little chance of the group reaching
an agreement.
‘It was never
a good idea to have Jim Lloyd, an enthusiastic atheist, involved,’ said our
source. ‘I thought Lynda would self-combust when he suggested a hologram of
Jesus would be appropriate, as he wasn’t real. You’d almost think Jim was
trying to troll her. There was some discussion of having an installation based
on the Stations of the Cross. But at this rate it’s going to be Stations of the
Very Cross.’
New role suits Freddie just fine
Freddie
Pargetter of Lower Loxley models the outfit he’ll wear for his latest venture –
conducting tours of the stately home’s ‘private
spaces’.
‘My
offender manager suggested I wear this, just in case people don’t fancy being
shown round by a convicted drug dealer,’ he said. ‘But I think it’s kinda cool.
If a bit hot. We’ll explore all the places the public don’t normally see, like
the attic, the cellars and storage tunnels that run underneath the grounds,’ he
said. ‘I wish I’d thought of them when the police were looking for me, but we
are where we are.’
‘I also think
people will be fascinated to see all the old relics we’ve got lying about, like
my sister Lily’s ancient boyfriend Russ,’ said Mr Pargetter. ‘Sorry Russ – only
joking!’
Ask Auntie Satya
With her
warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your
practical and emotional dilemmas!
Dear Auntie
Satya,
I’m
devastated. My new wife has left me and I just can’t deal with it – all I said
was I’d rather honeymoon somewhere not too far away in case my pigs need me.
She’s asked me to email her about our new business venture, but won’t answer my
calls. I don’t know how to get her back and can’t face telling my family.
Please help! Tom.
Dear Tom,
I would
advise closing your joint bank account. From what you tell me in your longer
letter, I suspect your wife will contact you immediately. As for your family
finding out, I really wouldn’t worry. They are all far too self-absorbed to
notice. Good luck!
Dear Auntie
Satya,
Since her
mum died my stepdaughter, who’s 14, has been a real star, looking after the
house and her little sister, comforting me when I’m down, and keeping up with
her schoolwork. Except for maths, but I got her a really strict tutor instead
of letting her hang around with a posh boy who said he was ‘helping’. Yeah,
right. She knows I love her because I call her sweetheart and everything, like
her mum did. But now she’s had a complete meltdown, says she can’t cope and had
to steal money so that her sister could go on a school trip, because I forgot
to sort it in time. But I’m so busy at work. I can’t be expected to do
everything, can I? Will.
Dear Will,
This has
clearly been a difficult time for the whole family, but it is your stepdaughter
who is suffering now and must be your priority. You can no longer bury yourself
in work and pretend that nothing has changed, relying on this young girl to run
the house as your late wife did. She is a child, not your carer. I wish that
she had written to me, and not you, because my heart breaks for her and as my
niece Usha will tell you, I am a tough old nut. Whatever it
takes, sort this out urgently or you will lose your daughter as well as your
wife.
Dear Auntie
Satya,
I’ve just
started doing some driving work that pays well and is quite easy to do. But the
last delivery we did, the bloke I work for brought a baseball bat along just in
case there was any ‘trouble’. Do you think there might be something dodgy about
it? Ed.
Dear Ed,
Ed, Ed, Ed.
Please have a word with yourself. You know the answer to this.
Letter to the Editor
Dear Sir (Madam, actually. Ed.)
I was
pleased to see Ambridge Cricket Club get their season off to a winning start on Sunday with a victory over Waterley Cross. However, yet again I was disappointed to
see members of the fairer sex on the field of play instead of in the tea tent, as
befits their more delicate sensibilities. Our men need proper fortification
with Dundee cake and cucumber sandwiches prepared by formidable ladies wearing
stout corsetry, who after tea will give you a stern ticking-off behind the… I
digress. The lack of a properly organised cricket tea is yet another symptom of
the moral decline of our great country, which reached a new nadir this week
with the theft of a pair of gentlemen’s stretch interlock boxer briefs from my
washing line. Is nothing sacred.
Yours
faithfully
Cecil
Jackson