Josh is found out, Henry has a day out and Kate lets it all hang out… a chaotic week in Ambridge

Rift between old allies shocks village

Ambridge was rocked to the core this week as a bitter row put a decades-old relationship in jeopardy.

‘Things got very nasty,’ said one resident. ‘Some cruel things were said that will make it hard for both sides to forgive and forget.’

‘It felt as though you’d woken up to find you were living in a strange country,’ said another. ‘I really don’t know how I’ll explain it to the children. And to think the older generation were mainly responsible.’

‘I’ll never forget where I was at the time,’ said a witness. ‘Imagine – two stalwarts of the WI, Jill Archer and Carol Tregorran, having a stand-up row in the street!’

Mrs Tregorran admitted to the The Ambridge Observer that she and Mrs Archer had had an upsetting argument, but said this was down to a ‘misunderstanding’.

‘I’d forgotten Jill is an interfering old biddy who always knows what’s best for everyone, that’s all,’ she said. ‘I should have known she’d go behind my back to call my daughter Anna after I broke my wrist. She meant well.’

‘Carol did say some unkind things, but I don’t regret what I did,’ said Mrs Archer. ‘And now that Anna’s staying in Ambridge, she might finally find out what went on between Rob and Helen. It will all turn out as well as one of my lemon drizzles, you’ll see!’

Police investigate fowl play

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) reported two disturbing cases of poultry-related crime at a press briefing this week.

‘Witnesses saw a young man and a teenager stuffing hens into cages and driving off at speed from Willow Farm late at night,’ he said. ‘The perpetrators, Toby Fairbrother and Josh Archer, said they were only ‘relocating’ some of Josh’s hens to meet increased demand for their egg business. But Neil Carter claimed he part-owned the birds and they’d been stolen.

‘Fortunately, all parties agreed to handle the matter informally, so Josh got off without a criminal record this time. But I’ve got my eye on him, sure as eggs is eggs.’

PC Burns said the second case was potentially much more serious. ‘I’d heard rumours that someone was trying to film a ‘fluff movie’, featuring ‘plenty of hot birds’ and ‘hen action’ in Ambridge,’ he said. ‘And then I got a tip-off that the maker of this filth was trying to coerce a young female farmer into taking part by luring her into recording a ‘voiceover’.

‘Obviously, I took swift action to prevent Ambridge becoming the porn hub of the Midlands. I confiscated Toby Fairbrother’s video camera and took myself off to my bedroom for a fact-finding viewing.

‘In fact, the footage turned out to be very disappointing – um, I mean it was all above board,’ said PC Burns. ‘It was merely a rather amateurish commercial for Mr Fairbrother’s egg business. ‘I’ve returned his equipment and closed the file for now. But Mr Fairbrother needs to watch his step or he’ll be up before the beak.’

My week, by Henry Titchener, aged 5

Thanks to Rob Titchener, flood hero of Blossom Hill Cottage, for sending us his son Henry’s charming account of how they spent Father’s Day:

We went on the Blackberry Line train and it was all noisy and smoky like a dragon. Daddy told me how sad he was that mummy had promised to take me on the Blackberry Line and then she broke her promise. That made me sad too when I remembered it.

I didn’t go to see Granny Pat and Granddad Tony on Father’s Day because Daddy said they didn’t want to see me; they wanted to see my new brother Gideon instead. I want to see Gideon but Daddy says Mummy won’t let us and that makes him sad. So I saw Granny and Granddad on Friday instead. Daddy and Grandma Ursula let me stay up really late the night before and gave me lots of sweets to eat at school because they said I needed treats if I had to go to boring old Bridge Farm.

So I was tired when I saw Granny Pat and I didn’t want to see the smelly old cows or eat her stinky food. I like the stories my Daddy tells me about how horrid and cruel mummies can be and how daddies are best.

Estate agents call for extra security

The Borsetshire Association of Estate Agents has warned members to send valuers out in pairs after a number of ‘distressing incidents’ involving staff.

‘Emotions can run high when a home is being sold but that is no excuse for intimidation,’ said spokesperson Trudie Key-Hole.

‘For example, an agent visiting a farmhouse in Ambridge was met by an old man who’d barricaded himself in the kitchen with some pigs and feral ferrets, yelling: “You’ll never take us Grundys alive!”

‘Obviously, this made a successful viewing impossible and we had to respectfully decline the client’s instructions.’

Mr Joe Grundy, currently a tenant at Grange Farm, said he couldn’t comment as he was too busy protecting his family’s birthright.

Summer Fiction Special: The Trials of Princess Kate

In the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine is torn between her twin destinies as a mother and eco-entrepreneur…

Princess Kate surveyed herself in the mirror, pleased that she’d got her look – Coachella-cool with a hint of Glasto-grunge – just right. She turned to the window, where she could see the yurts in a neat circle round the firepit and the lovingly-carved totem she’d commissioned from a dear little shaman in Penny Hassett. All was ready for her new business, Spiritual Home, and the super-cool summer solstice party she’d organised, the VIP guests all hand-picked by advertising for them on Facebook. Could she already hear the rumble of campervans and Harley Davidsons in the lane? She was about to skip out into the warm June evening when she heard a shriek. ‘Mum! There’s no milk!’

Reluctantly, Princess Kate went to the kitchen. Phoebe was in her dressing gown, hair like a bird’s nest and ink stains on her face, brandishing an empty bottle. ‘Don’t you get it Mum? How am I supposed to do my revision in this… pig sty!’

‘Oh, chill Phoebe,’ Kate sighed. ‘Come out and have some fun with the guys – Skymoon and Tweazle are on their way from Avebury! It would do you more good than those boring old books…’

But Phoebe had stomped back upstairs and slammed her door. Oh, why did her daughter have to bring her mood down like that, on her big day? Life was so unfair…

*

‘Phoebe – Feebs darling – where are you? You’re not at Home Farm!’ ‘No mum. I went to stay with Dad and you were so busy doing your fire ritual you didn’t even notice!’

Typical. Once again, Phoebe had managed to ruin Princess Kate’s day with her petty worries about sleep and good grades. ‘Well, never mind that now. I need you here to help with the guests. They’ve all got a bit… well… over-excited…’

Princess Kate ducked as her totem pole flew over her head and shattered Home Farm’s kitchen window. ‘Um, cool it, yeah… I thought you Hell’s Angels were about peace and love…’  Ignoring her, a bunch of guys in leather and chains started throwing the yurts into the swimming pool.

‘Phoebe! Phoebe! You’ve got to come! I need you!’ But her daughter had rung off. Oh, why did life have to be SO unfair?

To be continued…

       

The Ambridge Observer Brexit poll: results

Fine; never did like that fancy foreign food                                    10%

Weren’t we lucky to buy our euros for Venice just before?            10%

Worried; years of uncertainty for farmers                                        10%

But they do OK in New Zealand, pet                                             10%

Sorry, what?                                                                                    60%

Carol stumbles, Rob steps out and the Sterlings are in shock: an awkward week in Ambridge

Was Carol felled by the Resurgam Curse?

Celebrations to mark HM The Queen’s 90th birthday in Ambridge were marred by a controversial injury to a senior citizen.

Mrs Carol Tregorran of Glebe Cottage broke her wrist while visiting the garden of Ambridge Hall, during an open day for the public. Witnesses said Mrs Tregorran was taking a photograph when she stepped backwards and fell awkwardly.

Villagers are already blaming the accident on the ‘Resurgam Curse’, named after the stone memorial to the Ambridge flood that is a central feature of the garden.

But Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall dismissed the suggestion as ‘nonsense’.

‘Carol is saying she tripped over my ‘Resurgam’ stone because she wants to claim compensation from my insurers, but I’m not having it!’ she said. ‘If you ask me, she’d had one too many of her own ‘special teas’ before coming to Ambridge Hall. And anyway, I’m certain she fell over Joe Grundy’s shepherd’s smock. He’d left it in a heap on the path after I told him and Eddie off for hawking their tawdry trade on my special day.

‘It’s the Grundys’ fault, you mark my words! And good luck to Carol getting any cash out of them!’

Injured flood hero takes part in Royal fun

Rob Titchener, still recovering from the near-fatal injuries he sustained in April, was warmly welcomed at the Queen’s birthday celebrations on Saturday. He toured the open gardens at Bert Fry’s bungalow and Ambridge Hall with his son Henry, five, and conducted an informal ‘limpabout’ with spectators.

‘It was a privilege to shake his hand,’ said one. ‘He was so chatty, just like a normal person really. No airs and graces. You wouldn’t think he was so special.’

Mr Titchener said he was ‘touched but not surprised’ by his reception.

‘People know straightforward decency when they see it, and they know a cold-hearted, psychopathic bitch when they see one too,’ he said. (Careful, this is all sub judice. And not very nice. Ed).  

‘I only hope it will not be too long before my new son, Gideon Robert, comes home so I can bring him up properly. Stop that Henry; you don’t want another of Daddy’s special little chats, do you?’

 

NEW SERIES: Your week in the stars

Is love in your future? Will you change career? Our new columnist, renowned astrologer Janet Planet, has all the answers…

PISCES   Lucky Pisces ladies: two young men vy for your attention this week! One of them will pretend to be interested in dairy herd fertility and promise you dinner somewhere on the M4. The other will try to persuade you to do the voiceover for his tacky eggs video by passing off The Bull’s tasting menu as home-made and  flattering your ‘mellifluous tones’.  (Janet’s prediction: go for the one who’s friends with a baronet).

CANCER  Although your birthday is near the summer solstice, this year it will be unlucky for you as your mum will post an open invitation on Facebook to an all-nighter for all her weird mates while you’re trying to revise Business Economics and the Distribution of Income.  Also, beware great-aunts bearing corkscrews.

VIRGO Young male Virgoans need to be careful this week if they don’t want to be caught out ‘relocating’ hens from their own business to a rival, potentially more lucrative venture. Watch out for fiery encounters with Taureans, especially those called Neil.

LIBRA  Librans may have itchy feet this week – for example, you could suddenly become fascinated by the family farming business, even though you currently specialise in, say, aeronautical engineering. You may also find yourself playing gooseberry at a motorway service station, but don’t worry – Janet predicts you’re lending romance a helping hand!

ASK THE EXPERT

This week, May Latcham-Onslow-Lee of the Borsetshire Breastfeeding Support Group answers new mums’ queries:

Q I had no trouble breastfeeding my first little boy but with my newborn it’s a different story. We both seem to find the whole process painful, and I’m worried he’s not getting enough nourishment. As a bit of background, I’m in the mother and baby unit of a prison, and my baby reminds me of his abusive and violent father. What do you think could be the problem? Helen A.

A Well Helen, little ones always know when mummy is stressed and it sounds as if your baby  is picking up on your worries. Have you tried a distraction technique? Find yourself a cheerful friend – a chirpy Cockney-sparrer type is perfect – and get her to tell you a warm-hearted, silly story or two while you’re starting to feed. It’ll take your mind off your troubles and you’ll soon see the little chap is plugging away like there’s no tomorrow!

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS

Contract cleaner required

Experienced and unshockable contractor required for an urgent deep-clean and repairs at Grange Farm, Ambridge, following the return of the owners from Italy, the imminent departure of tenants and in preparation for sale.  Contract includes:

• investigating and repairing a crack in the kitchen wall

• rebuilding a burnt-out garden shed

• repairing  a broken banister and cleaning felt-tip drawings off landing walls

• removing mysterious brown stains, possibly flood water, from ceilings

• eliminating a peculiar whiff from the soft furnishings

• stripping off and replacing ruined wallpaper in dining room

• deep-cleaning dog vomit, ferret urine and spilt cider from carpets

• cleaning up the front garden, which is a pig sty (literally)

Apply to Caroline Sterling, c/o The Spa at Grey Gables, where she is having hourly aromatherapy massages as treatment for shock.

Save the date!

Spiritual Home is Borsetshire’s newest, coolest, most ecofriendly new holistic retreat – and it’s opening soon!  Join us round the firepit at our day-into-night launch party, and share a wheatgrass smoothie with owner Kate Madikane and her team of highly trained therapists. You won’t want to rebalance your chakras anywhere else!

The retreat will be open just as soon as Kate paints the studio, orders the new boiler and puts up the yurts. Or gets someone else to do it as she’s feeling a little fragile, thanks to dad’s wine fridge and Aunty Lilian!   

 

                

A narrow escape for the village and a secret escape for Lilian: a triumphant week in Ambridge

Ambridge ecstatic at ‘best news ever’

There were wild scenes at The Bull this week as Ambridge celebrated ‘the best news that the village has ever had’ with a huge party.

‘I never want another birthday or Christmas present in my life,’ said Mrs Ruth Archer of Brookfield. ‘But don’t tell David that! Look, there he is on the table, making a speech about our fears that the village would lose its magic. That’s how much this means to us.’

‘It was such a relief to hear the news,’ said Kenton Archer, landlord of The Bull. ‘We’re shifting these celebration cocktails quicker than you can say ‘Boudicca of Borsetshire’.

Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall said she was ‘completely humbled’ by the way the village had come together.

‘Of course, Robert and I were upset when we thought we’d have to cancel our open garden day, because the insurance company refused cover,’ she said. ‘But we had no idea the whole of Ambridge would share our pain.’

Bert Fry, who put the finishing touches to his own garden on hold to help fence off the river at Ambridge Hall, said it was the least he could do. ‘We didn’t give up in the flood and we won’t give up now,’ he said.

Mrs Snell said her garden opening would now go ahead as planned.

‘I really regret calling Bert an upstart competitor who was stooping to naked self-promotion and vulgar commercialism,’ she said. ‘And of course I feel sorry for the villages of Edgeley and Loxley Norton, whose open garden days will now be a complete flop.

‘But as Robert always says to me when we’re relaxing on the daybed in the shepherd’s hut: Resurgam, Lyndy!’

• In other news, Borsetshire County Council is this week set to approve a new route for the Borchester-Hollerton relief road. Route C, which will run through Edgeley and Loxley Norton, has been preferred to Route B, which would have run through Ambridge. This will come as no surprise to regular readers. We reported last year that the independent assessment of flood risk, commissioned by the SAVE campaign, plus the discovery of a rare brown hairstreak butterfly, had effectively scuppered Route B. But for some reason The Borchester Echo thought this was big news, so we are giving it a paragraph.   

     

Noise is a nuisance at Open Farm Sunday

Visitors to Open Farm Sunday at Brookfield have complained that their day out was ruined by a constant droning sound that disrupted the event.

‘We thought life was peaceful down on the farm,’ said one. ’But from the moment we got there the droning started. First there was Adam Macy, boring on about the sat nav on his giant muck-spreader. Then we went to see the Herefords, but couldn’t concentrate because of Pip Archer’s tedious commentary on breeding and pasture and the like.

‘To be honest, it was a welcome diversion when that little flying camera started buzzing overhead. Gave us a chance to get away for a cup of tea and a slice of lemon drizzle, which is what we really come for.’

From the message boards…

What’s got Ambridge residents buzzing online this week? Here’s our pick of the top topics…

• Hey guys, what do we think about the Referendum debate? I think good farmers will thrive outside the EU – we could say goodbye to all that red tape and we’re a strategic industry, so the government won’t leave us high and dry without any subsidies. I’m for Brexit. What about you? HomeFarmAdam

• Yeah, but what about global markets? What about all that Polish and Bulgarian lamb coming over here, taking our shepherd’s pies? What about the three crop rule? Thought you were all for ecofarming, Mr Healthy Soil. It’s a tricky one and no mistake.  Mine’s a pint by the way! PipsDad

• There won’t be any European Union at Grange Farm when Oliver and Caroline Sterling get back from Italy, not when they’ve seen what we’ve done to the place! Piglets, bullocks, the cider club – and as for the crack in the kitchen wall… It’ll be Grexit for us Grundys quick as you like… and where will our Ed and Emma go? Clarrieluv

• Hi everyone, Anya here, remember me? I used to work for Ambridge Organics.. Anyway, Pat Archer’s got in touch and offered me a job at the new Bridge Farm shop. So as soon as I can tear myself away from Koh Samui I’ll be back in Ambridge. I wasn’t quite clear on why Pat needs me though – something about the shop being short-staffed and Helen being away? Can anyone fill me in? HappyAnya

• Hello Anya, it’s Susan Carter here, temporary manager at Bridge Farm; I’m drawing on my extensive retail experience to sort out the pickle they’ve got themselves into. Let’s just say Pat’s got enough on her plate, what with Rob wanting custody of Helen’s cute little baby and Henry as well, and that prison’s such a long way away…  Nothing for you to worry about. Anyway, can you tell me what size you are so I can order you a nice polyester tabard? SalesguruSue  

Letter to the Editor 

Dear Madam,

I am writing to ask if any of your readers recently left some items in our hotel. We cannot return them directly as the guests in question registered as ‘Mr and Mrs Smith’, but we found a rolled-up copy of The Ambridge Observer and thought they may live in south Borsetshire?

The housekeeper who serviced the room was too traumatised by what she saw to give a clear description but suffice it to say the guests were a couple of a certain age. The lost property includes expensive intimate apparel, a silk smoking jacket, a pair of fluffy handcuffs, a half-empty bottle of gin and an economy-sized tube of Voltarol.

If any of your readers recognise these items could they please contact me in confidence to arrange their safe return.

Yours faithfully

C. Nittall, Manager, Old Chestnuts Hotel, Peak District.

  

   

Rob recovers, Peggy regrets and Lilian is ready to party… a confrontational week in Ambridge

Single wicket ends on sour note

Johnny Phillips emerged as the winner of the Ambridge Single Wicket competition on Whit Monday, after an all-Bridge Farm final in which the talented youngster saw off a spirited challenge from his uncle Tom Archer.

But the event was mired in controversy after Phillips refused to shake hands with Rob Titchener, who was presenting the trophy, and instead called Tom Archer up to share his success.

‘I was disappointed, but frankly, bad manners is the least of that family’s problems,’ said Mr Titchener, who as commentator had entertained the crowd with a trademark display of cricketing know-how, passive-aggressive banter and thinly veiled misogyny (is this right? Ed).

‘Johnny and Tom were just upset that because it was a Monday they weren’t allowed to see Henry, who spent a perfectly happy afternoon chained to his grandma Ursula’s chair.’

Mr Titchener had earlier thanked the crowd for their warm support during his ‘recent difficulties’.

‘It was embarrassing,’ admitted one spectator. ‘Shula Hebden-Lloyd usually presents the trophy, but she was away – something about saying goodbye to her son, who’s going to live in a tank in Canada. Takes all sorts I suppose.’ 

‘People in the pub are saying Johnny was unsporting,’ said Kenton Archer, landlord of The Bull. ‘After all, Rob won the league for Ambridge last year; he was a hero of the flood and he bravely survived a knife attack. What’s not to like?’

Elves set to get their marching orders?

Ambridge Parish Council has called an extra-ordinary meeting next week to discuss an urgent request to ban sightseers from the ‘elf colony’ in Ambridge Millennium Wood. (Aldridge. Once more and you’re fired. Ed).

The wood’s owner is asking councillors to act after commissioning a report into the impact the stream of tourists is having on wildlife and plants.

‘Patrick Hennessy of Borsetshire Wildlife Trust was very accommodating, especially after I bunged him a few quid to put up some more hides,’ said Brian Aldridge of Home Farm. ‘His report categorically shows that all these people gawping at elvish nonsense are damaging the ecosystem, including my pheasants – though of course they are not my prime concern.’

Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall said she would be lobbying the council to oppose a ban. ‘Brian Aldridge can’t even spell ecosystem, let alone care for one,’ she said. ‘He only wants to stop families visiting the charming faerie tableau in the wood so his rich friends can stomp all over it shooting those beautiful birds.’

Neil Carter, chair of the Parish Council, said he didn’t know how councillors would respond to the request. ‘Between you and me though, I’ve heard Eddie Grundy might be moving the elves to Grundy’s Field to set up some kind of theme park,’ he said. ‘If he does, there’ll be plenty more problems – environmental health, highways, trading standards and the like – but we can hand all those over to the District Council and get on with ordering more bunting for the village green.’

Ambridge ready to celebrate Borsetshire’s best 

Beef and eggs will be on the menu at Brookfield this year as the Archer family prepare to showcase their products on Open Farm Sunday.

‘I’ve prepared detailed spreadsheets and a 20-minute PowerPoint presentation on our Hereford beef, comparing them with the Angus cattle that my cousin Tom is bringing over from Bridge Farm,’ said Pip Archer. ‘I knew my experience in High Wycombe would come in useful. Visitors will love it!’

Miss Archer’s younger brother Josh is hoping his ‘Hens on Holiday’ display to promote his new venture will prove equally appealing.

‘When visitors come in they’ll see a cute henhouse, designed as a replica of a Romany caravan by Bert Fry,’ he said. ‘Then after a short talk on Upper Class Eggs, they will go to the barn, where my gran Jill Archer will be cooking omelettes to order, dressed as a giant chicken.’

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

This year once again Home Farm is hosting a team of fruit pickers from Eastern Europe and I would like to ask your readers to show them some true Ambridge hospitality.

Although they are foreign, most of them will understand you if you speak very loudly and slowly, as I do. At Home Farm we pride ourselves on providing luxuries they don’t have at home, like soap and smoke alarms. We are also laying on an evening at The Bull and a barbecue, to which we’d like to invite young locals to mingle with our visitors.

They are always a fun-loving bunch, as I know from many a happy summer spent showing young men round the polytunnels. But I’m getting on a bit now, and my husband Ian reckons they’ll want to mix with younger folk. So if you see our visitors around the village, do please say hello (though you probably won’t as they work 20-hour days).

Yours faithfully (for the moment)

Adam Macy, Home Farm 

PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Happy birthday Lynda Snell! Let others mock your ‘Absurdam’ garden; one look at you in that shepherd’s hut and it’s ‘Resurgam’ for me every time. You are my inspiration and my rock, and you were jolly decent about Fallon’s jumble trail. Many happy returns dear Lyndybot. Your loving Robert.

The Trials of Lilian Bellamy

In the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine discovers that every cloud has a silver-haired lining… 

‘Sorry Toby; Kenton makes the decisions. I’m only a silent partner …’ As she said the words, Lilian tuned out of the young man’s over-eager sales spiel for Ambridge Eggspert Films, or whatever it was. Silent partner: her thoughts flew to dear Paul, so cruelly silenced by a heart attack three years ago. If only she’d been brave enough to leave Matt, would they be happy even now? Of course, he’d turned into a possessive psychopath towards the end, but was that so much worse than running off to Costa Rica with her money….?

‘So whaddya reckon, Lil babe?’ ‘Oh, I don’t know darling; let me speak to Justin about it..’ Suddenly weary of Toby’s cheesy grin, she pulled out her phone to check her appointment with Fabrice of Felpersham, who’d promised her a ‘vision spectaculaire’ for Jenny’s party. As if on cue, it rang. ‘Sorry Toby, I’ve got to take this…’ she said, but he’d already moved on, pressing egg leaflets on a group of elf-visitors from Redditch…

*

‘Calm down mum – what did Rob actually say?’ Lilian poured tea, wishing fervently it was gin. Peggy’s hand shook, rattling the cup in the saucer. ‘I thought I was doing a good thing, taking some photos of the baby to show them!’ she said. ‘I even had one framed for Ursula. But as soon as I said Jack was doing well, Rob got so angry – furious! I’ve never seen him like that. And he seemed to think the baby’s name is Gideon!’

Lilian patted her shoulder. ‘Well mum, you did the right thing. And I wouldn’t like to get on the wrong side of Rob Titchener…’ Yes, he was charming enough. But Lilian had learned the hard way that men were not always what they seemed… She put down her own cup with a crash. ‘Come on mum, we both need cheering up. Let’s go for a stiff drink – I mean, a nice lunch…’

*

‘And so Jenny, to celebrate 40 wonderful years, I’m taking you to Venice on the Orient Express!’ The beau monde of Borsetshire cheered as Brian presented his wife with a ruby ring and planted a tender kiss on her cheek. Even Lord Elbury stopped stuffing his face with pulled pork long enough to applaud. Lilian smiled ruefully and turned to watch the fruit pickers, who were performing a charming Eastern European folk dance to thank Home Farm for their hospitality.

‘Penny for them, Lilian?’ Justin was smiling down on her. ‘Or should I say, a few thousand for them?’ He looked so dashing in his dinner suit. Lilian’s heart lurched. ‘Why Justin, whatever do you mean?’

‘Come on old girl,’ he said. ‘We both know Miranda’s not gone to Geneva with her tennis coach to improve her forehand. We’re only together for the trust funds, whereas you and I…’ The unspoken question hung in the air like the smell of Goan fish curry from the buffet. For a second, Lilian had a vision of Paul and Matt. But what was the point of pursuing love when it always let her down? ‘Are you asking me to be your mistress, Justin?” she smiled, aware that both of them knew the answer…

To be continued…   

An arrival, a departure, a reunion and a romance: a super-emotional week in Ambridge

 Bridge Farm couple bury the hatchet

Ambridge residents were celebrating this week after news spread of a long-awaited reunion between one of the village’s favourite couples.

‘It’s so good they are back together,’ said Fallon Rogers of the Ambridge Tea Room. ‘Of course, it was awful what Tom Archer did; you should never humiliate someone by rejecting them like that. But he was under a lot of stress and acted without thinking. And there were harsh words said on both sides.

‘But with the crisis at Bridge Farm, they’ve both realised they can’t live without each other. All their friends are so pleased for them.’

Tom Archer said he was ‘delighted’ to confirm the news. ‘Yes, it’s true, Jazzer McCreary is back as pig man at Bridge Farm and we couldn’t be happier,’ he said. ‘It’s true he insulted my sister Helen and that was hard to forgive. But without Jazzer, I would have had to sell the pigs. So it was an easy decision to offer him his job back.’

‘Aye, right enough, I’m back with the great Sassenach plonker and my lovely wee girls,’ said Mr McCreary. ‘ I wasnae sure when Tom tried to give me a man hug, mind. The only things I’ll be kissin’ round here are they pigs!’

Kirsty Miller, Mr Archer’s former fiancée, said she wished the couple well. ‘I always knew I couldn’t compete with Jazzer,’ she said. ‘He and Tom both love those pigs more than anything. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s never to come between a man and his weaners.’

Elfgate: tensions rise ahead of Bank Holiday standoff

Villagers warned that Ambridge could be a ‘powderkeg’ over the Bank Holiday weekend, as tourists and landowners clash over the ‘elf village’ that has  sprung up in the Ambridge Millennium Wood (Aldridge. How many times? Ed).

 ‘This elvish nonsense has gone too far,’ said Mr Brian Aldridge of Home Farm. ‘The visitors are disturbing my game birds. And when it comes down to peasants or pheasants, the pheasants win every time. Rest assured, my gamekeeper Will Grundy will be guarding the wood with his shotgun loaded. Caveat Elf Tour, that’s all I’m saying!’ 
Mrs Jolene Archer, landlady of The Bull, said any hostile action was likely to cause uproar. ‘Mr Aldridge is threatening a fine old village tradition, started by my husband Kenton last Wednesday,’ she said.  ‘People visit the elves, then make a pilgrimage to the pub for a ploughman’s, a T-shirt and an ‘elfie’ with Joe Grundy in his green Gandalf outfit. ‘Locals will be furious that someone is trying to destroy their right to make money out of gullible tourists.’

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) said he was ‘concerned, but not worried,’ about the situation. ‘I might get along there, but to be honest I’m a bit busy helping my girlfriend Fallon with her Whitsun jumble trail,’ he said. ‘Anyway, this sounds more like a case for the Elf & Safety team. And as I understand someone has built a lavatory for the elves, investigators can’t say they have nothing to go on.’  (Oh, please. Shoot me now. Ed).

PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENTS

BIRTHS

John Anthony Archer (to be known as Jack), born 21 May at a hospital that cannot be named for legal reasons, to Helen Titchener, née Archer, of Bridge Farm, and a man she wishes had had nothing to do with it.  A little brother for Henry, grandson for Pat and Tony and nephew for Tom. Attending Jack’s birth were his great-grandmother Peggy Woolley and two burly prison guards who mostly looked the other way. ‘Helen has named the baby after her late brother John, her father and my late husband Jack,’ said Mrs Woolley. ‘She chose the names herself, after three good men in her life, she said.’ Mother and baby are  doing well after a long labour and emergency Caesarean delivery, and will be leaving hospital later this week.

Gideon Robert Titchener (to be known as My Son), born 21 May surrounded by armed guards because his mother is a crazed psychopath, to Rob Titchener of Blossom Hill Cottage and the evil bitch who tried to destroy the baby and his father. A little brother for Henry (also known as My Son), grandson for Ursula and Bruce and nephew for Miles.  ‘Rob has named the baby after my late father, who meant such a lot to me,’ said Mrs Titchener. ‘If little Gideon turns out to be half the man he was, I shall be so proud. Of course, my Robert is half the man he was, thanks to that woman and her ghastly family. But it won’t be long before the baby is here with us, where he belongs.’

Note to news desk from classified ads dept: this seems odd; do you think there might be a story here?  Worth following up?

Poetry Corner

  

Thanks to Mrs Emma Grundy of Grange Farm, who sent in this poem, written by her husband Ed to mark their first wedding anniversary this week. ‘The first year is paper, and Ed couldn’t think of anything to get me,’ writes Mrs Grundy. ‘I said, well, money’s paper, but instead he wrote this poem and read it out loud at our anniversary party. Isn’t that romantic?’  Indeed it is Mrs Grundy. Congratulations from all at The Ambridge Observer! 

For Emma

Shall I compare you to a bale of hay?

You are more cuddly and less prickly,

And though you try to shake your head and say

‘Oh Ed, give over!’ I know where you’re tickly!

You’re now my wife, but long before we wed

I loved you, and that love has never dimmed;

For though you’re not too keen on them in bed,  

You’d never leave the ferrets’ nails untrimmed.

Now in the Ambridge Tea Room you’re a star,

And my green tractor won’t be repossessed,

and you and me and George and little Keira

know that what’s to come is still the best.

Though why you chose me I still fail to see,

I love you Em, and pledge my life to thee.

Summer fiction special: The Trials of Matthew Holman

In the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our hero wrestles with an emotional dilemma…

‘Come on now Matthew; you’ve hardly touched Jill’s lovely lemon drizzle cake!’ Ruth beamed at him hopefully. David, tucking into a third slice, nodded furiously, spraying crumbs. Pip stared down at the table, blinking hard as if she was trying not to cry. Oh, why had he decided to come to Brookfield one last time? Why was Jill’s cake so much drier than he remembered? Pushing his plate away, he said brightly: ‘Come on Pip, show me these new cows of yours at Home Farm!’ ‘Good idea!’ said Ruth, visibly relieved. David gave him a thumbs-up and reached over to finish off his cake. ‘Take the quad bikes! Have fun you two!’ But fun was the last thing on his mind…

*

‘Why did you come here Matthew? You’ve already finished with me!’ Pip’s lip wobbled and her eyes brimmed with tears. He nodded over at the cows, who were kicking their heels and trying to mount each other in their excitement at their new herbal pasture. ‘Because this is your future Pip,’ he said wistfully. ‘Just as passing on the secrets of the Dutch five-step foot-paring method to dairy farms across this great land of ours is mine. We both love our jobs far too much to make this relationship work.’

‘But I love you Matthew!’ Pip cried. ‘I’d give it all up for you tomorrow, you know I would!’ ‘I couldn’t let you, Pip,’ he replied gently. ‘I thought when you left that job, it was because it turned out to be PowerPoint presentations in High Wycombe instead of riding the range in Rio. But now I know differently. Brookfield is in your blood Pip. And I can’t make you choose between me and your birthright.’

With a last tender kiss he left her, her tears dripping onto the electric fence. Riding back to Brookfield, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket, and stopped to answer it. ‘Yeah, it went OK,’ he said. ‘I’ll be back by midnight. See you later babes!’

Not to be continued….

Peggy steps up, Pat regrets and Matthew bows out: a tense week in Ambridge

Net closes in on elf scam 

The ‘Elfgate’ investigation launched by Borsetshire planning officers last week has now been passed to Trading Standards, after reports of ‘elf-related merchandise of dubious quality’ being sold in Borchester Market.

‘We had a tip-off that two men, one wearing huge green ears and one in a green cloak, sitting on a wooden toadstool, were selling so-called ‘elf furniture’ inspired by the ‘Elftown’ in Ambridge Millennium Wood’, said a spokesperson. (Aldridge Millennium Wood. Ed.)

‘By pretending to be from the Borchester Echo, we managed to get a picture of the perpetrators and identified them as Joe and Eddie Grundy. It was a double result for us as they had already been reported for knowingly selling mushroom compost to Mrs Lynda Snell, a woman who suffers from multiple allergies.

‘We don’t know what else this Grundy family has been up to,’ the spokesperson  says. ‘We could have stumbled on a massive criminal fairy-ring.’

Issue of the week: have your say!

Drones are becoming a common sight in the countryside. But are they a boon or a threat to rural life? We asked local residents for their views…

‘Drones are so useful as a non-invasive way of surveying and treating crops. I remember a former colleague, Charlie Thomas, was very keen on them. We spent hours hunched over his joystick , out in the fields.. it was marvellous.. Excuse me, I seem to have something in my eye…’ Adam Macy, Home Farm.

‘Hey guys, that’s spooky! I’m using a drone right now to film a commercial for our Hollowtree hens. And they’re not the only birds in shot, if you know what I mean guys – it stars the delicious Pip Archer and I reckon I can get her to take her top off  - for the integrity of the role, of course. Ding dong!’ Toby Fairbrother.

‘Drones are all very well in the hive, but you don’t want too many. They don’t do any work and are just there for mating, after which they are evicted from the hive and die. Oh, I’m sorry – isn’t that what you meant? Would you like some lemon drizzle?’ Jill Archer, Brookfield.  

Food awards judges warn against ‘confused’ entries

Organisers of the Borsetshire Food & Drink Awards have warned that entries will be disqualified if the form is not completed properly.

‘We were perplexed by several entries in particular, all of which came from Bridge Farm, Ambridge,’ said a spokesperson.

‘Someone had entered Anna Tregorran in our ‘Barista of the Year’ category, but local coffee shops don’t know anyone of that name. And Tom Archer’s Black Pudding Scotch Eggs had been entered in the ‘Alcohol’ category.

‘We also had to rule Helen Titchener’s Borsetshire Blue cheese ineligible, as we understand the cheese maker is incarcerated and supplies may be uncertain.

‘This is very unfortunate for the farm concerned, but we do have to uphold the rules.’

Contacted by the Ambridge Observer, Mr Tom Archer said the confusion arose because he had delegated the Awards admin to apprentice Johnny Phillips. ‘Johnny was trying to do his best to support my sister Helen, but he got the wrong end of the stick,’ he said. ‘This week he’ll be mainly boxing lettuces, which is much more his thing.’

From the message boards…

This week we drop in on Ambridge Gransweb, to see what our seniors are talking about online...

Does anyone have any tips on being a birthing partner? I didn’t have one for any of my three, just the nurse, a wet towel to bite on and a large cigar when it was all over (though that might have been for the father, I can’t remember). I want to make the birth special for my granddaughter, especially as she’s in prison. Thank you grans! PeggyW.

Oh dear Peggy, how brave of you!. Our grandchildren are such a worry aren’t they? Take poor Pip for instance. That Matthew, who we all thought was so nice, has dumped her. Now she’ll never learn his five-step cow foot-paring method! She’s so upset, she couldn’t manage any of my lemon drizzle. I don’t know what else to do… JillA.

Don’t you fret Jill; Pip will settle down soon enough. Look at Emma; what a wonderful wife and mum she is now. She always makes George and Keira a packed lunch for school. ‘It’s a little bit of home in their tummies,’ she says. Isn’t that sweet? See, since she married the right man she’s not looked back and it’ll be the same for Pip, you’ll see. Does Matthew have a brother? ClarrieG.

It’s marvellous of you to support Helen, mum; thank goodness you stepped in, or Jenny or I might have had to do it! Jenny’s too busy planning her 40^th wedding anniversary party and I couldn’t get through an ordeal like that without a stiff gin or two, which I don’t suppose they’d allow in jail! Jenny said at 91 you’re too old to be staying in a Premier Lodge with only hapless Tony for company but I said we’re not dead till we’re dead, and neither are you mum! Cheers! LilB

Summer fiction special: The Trials of Pat Archer

In the latest chapter of our romantic serial by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine looks back on a lifetime of regrets…

*

Pat’s eyes filled with tears as the calf slithered out of its mother, who bent her head to lick it tenderly. ‘It’s amazing,’ said young Johnny. ‘Gran, what’s a pig cycle, and can I ride it round the yard?’ In spite of herself, Pat smiled at the young man. So like his father, with his passion for pigs and speed! ‘Yes, Johnny, cows often manage to give birth on their own. We find it harder.’

And at once her thoughts were back with Helen, on her way to the mother-and-baby unit, about to calve down without her mother or anyone who loved her to help… oh, why hadn’t DS Madeley called her back? Time was running out…

*

‘Oh, Tony!’ Pat’s anguished cry brought her husband rushing in from the kitchen, a wooden spoon dripping lentil soup in his hand. ‘Come on Pat, lunch is ready. What’s wrong?’ ‘It’s DS Madeley,’ sobbed Pat. ‘She said even if I filled the forms in using my own blood and promised to sell my soul to Satan, she’d be minded to refuse my request to be Helen’s birthing partner! How is that justice? At every turn Helen is being punished… and it’s all my fault!’ ‘Oh love, it’s not all your fault!’ her kindly husband patted her shoulder. ‘OK, the soup’s a bit salty. But it won’t get better if you keep crying into it!’

*

‘Oh, Tony!’ ‘What is it now, love?” Was it Pat’s imagination, or was even her husband beginning to sound a bit testy? Yet she couldn’t keep silent when Helen was suffering so much! ‘I’ve let Helen down all her life, Tony! Right from when she was born with dislocated hips because I wouldn’t have a Caesarean…  and when John died, I ignored her and concentrated on myself…’

What was that Tony was muttering? ‘Yes, Pat, it’s always about you, isn’t it?’

So it was true! Her own husband was punishing her, just like everyone else. And now he was going off with Peggy, to live it up in a Premier Lodge and see Helen when her own mother had to stay at home. ‘Oh, Tony…’ she sobbed.

To be continued…

Sorry, Lavinia. I really had to cut this short. Bit more upbeat next week please? Ed.

  

Peggy visits Helen, elves visit the wood and Rob tells fairytales: a week of intrigue in Ambridge

Fame beckons for Borsetshire’s bard

Bert Fry, the popular ‘Borsetshire Laureate’, is to star in his own TV show after being talent-spotted at Hollowtree Farm.

‘We were there with Evie Thorn-Davies to do a piece about hens living in a caravan,’ said Tarquin Chase-Ratings, director of the production company behind Good Look at Borsetshire. ‘Evie was chatting up the farmer – smarmy guy called Toby something – and there was a pushy kid – Jock? Josh? – who kept trying to get into shot.

‘But I got chatting to this marvellous old chap who’d made a ridiculous egg-mobile and a Romany caravan for the hens, all with a couple of old axles and some cheap veneer. Then he showed me his poems and suddenly I thought: “Tarquin, there’s your BAFTA, right there!”  DIY and poetry – never been done before; a star in his 80s – ticking the Mary Berry box – and it’s all rural and sustainable. Like Fred Dibnah only greener. Pure telly gold!’

Mr Chase-Ratings said he was keen for his people to talk to Bert’s people as soon as possible and hoped to get ‘Build it with Bert the Bard’ on our screens by the autumn. 

Holistic entrepreneur claims therapy ‘miracle’

Kate Madikane, whose holistic spa at Home Farm in Ambridge opens shortly, (really? This century? Ed) says she will be offering a unique ‘text therapy’ that is already seeing results.

‘It was like, so amazing,’ said Ms Madikane. ‘My friend Lynda Snell had this terrible allergic reaction to something and had booked a ‘Healing Hands Experience’ – only £60, to include a glass of hemp juice.

‘But she’d sent me a selfie of her rash and to be honest, I didn’t fancy getting my hands on it. And anyway, I was at a meeting with a cool guy who makes vegan Prosecco, so I couldn’t drive back.

‘Then suddenly I felt a powerful healing vibe and I knew I could transmit it to Lynda. So I texted her! All I said was ‘Stuck in Waterley Cross, sorry, XX.’ But I just knew that would be enough. It’s like homeopathy, only more modern, and easier to spell.

‘Obviously, Lynda hasn’t actually seen any improvement yet. But as soon as she goes to the pharmacy and gets some weapons-grade anti-histamines, she’ll be right as rain.’

Ms Madikane says she plans to offer ‘text-therapy’ to all her guests. ‘That way, I can lie on a beach in Goa and send healing vibes, without lifting a finger. Win-win!’

Planners bring out the big guns against elves

Borsetshire Planning enforcement officers say they are ‘very concerned’ about illegal building works in the Ambridge Millennium Wood (note to subs: call it the Aldridge Wood or we’ll never hear the end of it from Jennifer. Ed.)

‘Officers had a tip-off that a rogue development code-named “Elftown” was being built in the wood,’ said a council spokesperson, Anna Stopp-Notice.

‘When we investigated, we found that this was in fact a model village built by Mr Ed Grundy of Grange Farm for his daughter Keira. Apparently her little face lit up when she saw it.

‘However, the principle is clear; the Ambridge (Aldridge. Ed) Millennium Wood is strictly protected from any development. And we were very concerned when we heard that Mr Grundy and his family may soon be made homeless. The next thing you know, those elves will be out on their ear and illegal dwellings will go up instead.’ 

Ms Stopp-Notice said worried residents must not take unilateral action against development. ‘We understand that the wood’s owner, Mr Brian Aldridge, has threatened to blast the settlement with a ‘teeny tiny gamekeeper with a teeny tiny gun,’ she said. ‘Those are not our methods but rest assured we will be making full use of our powers under the law.’

Fairytale fun for all the family

Children aged between four and seven are invited to Borchester Library at half-term, to hear some much-loved fairy tales given a modern twist.

The free story-telling session is hosted by Rob Titchener, who says he came up with the idea while telling stories to his own son, Henry, five.

‘It struck me that we can use fairy tales, which children love, to help shape their experience of the world,’ he said. ‘For instance, it’s not widely known that in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, nasty Mummy Bear hits lovely Daddy Bear over the head with the porridge pot in front of Baby Bear. Daddy Bear has to go to hospital and Mummy Bear goes away to be made nice again, but it isn’t Daddy Bear’s fault.

‘And the Big Bad Wolf is only trying to protect Little Red Riding Hood from her evil grandmother, who is called Pat. He only eats her up so he can look after Little Red Riding Hood all on his own.

‘I’m now unemployed and disabled, so I have time on my hands and feel I should give something back,’ said Mr Titchener.

The Trials of Peggy Woolley

In the latest chapter of our romantic serial, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine finds her reserves of courage tested as never before…

‘Oh Peggy, you’ve no idea how terrible things are!’ Pat’s face was red and blotchy and she was sobbing noisily; Bill was already under the sofa, his paws over his ears. ‘I had to get Tony to help me make cheese, and he was rubbish at it. And Fallon and Emma don’t even want any of Tom’s sausages midweek. I don’t think I can cope much longer!’

As usual, Peggy surveyed her daughter-in-law with a mixture of affection and irritation. If only she hadn’t come along and turned Tony’s head with her organic Welsh wiles, things might have been so different. But not even Pat deserved this torment. ‘Look dear, calm down,’ she soothed. ‘You’ll make yourself ill. That wouldn’t help Helen – and I don’t think the paramedics would come here again, after the false alarm with Christine’s dentures.’

Pat blew her nose loudly; Bill fled up the stairs. ‘You’re right Peggy; but what can I do?’ ‘Don’t worry dear. Remember, I survived the Blitz, and I have my investment – erm, I mean my family – to protect! Leave it to me!’  

Peggy managed to keep up a calm front as she saw Pat out, but inwardly she was in turmoil. She knew what she had to do… but was she up to it? And what would she wear?

*

Drawing herself up to her full height, Peggy straightened her suit and stalked through the barred gate, ushered by a stern warden. She couldn’t help hearing the giggling girls behind her: ‘Is that the Queen Mother? I thought she was dead!’

And they’d made her take her hat off. Such an indignity… but it was worth it, for Helen. The visiting room was harshly-lit and noisy, and she peered through the crowd. Had Helen got her message? Yes, here she was, her yellow tabard straining over her bump, which looked enormous on her slight frame. ‘Oh Gran!’ Helen’s eyes filled with tears as Peggy gave her the single permitted kiss on the cheek. ‘I hate you seeing me here – and I can’t even offer you a scone!’ ‘Don’t you worry dear; no scones in the Blitz, you know! Now, tell me how you are…’

•

On the way home, Peggy reflected on how right she’d been to worry so much about Helen. Why was she so desperate to keep Henry and the new baby ‘safe’ from Rob? It didn’t make sense, unless… it didn’t bear thinking about.

‘’Listen dear,’ she’d told her granddaughter. ‘Pat and Tony are doing everything they can, making a new batch of Borsetshire Blue, and Henry is fine. You must go to the mother and baby unit, and you have just one job to do there.’

Helen’s eyes widened. ‘Make flapjacks for the fete? I don’t think they’ll let me…’

‘No, Helen. You must remember you are an Archer woman, and Archer women are strong. Just like in the Blitz, when I managed to get the last bit of blackout curtain in the shop. I will bring that spirit to support you now. But you must fight. Fight for your children. Can you do that, Helen?’

Could she do it? As Peggy gazed on the rain-lashed train window, she wondered…

To be continued….