Ambridge ecstatic at ‘best news ever’
There were wild scenes at The Bull this
week as Ambridge celebrated ‘the best news that the village has ever had’ with
a huge party.
‘I never want another birthday or Christmas
present in my life,’ said Mrs Ruth Archer of Brookfield. ‘But don’t tell David
that! Look, there he is on the table, making a speech about our fears that the
village would lose its magic. That’s how much this means to us.’
‘It was such a relief to hear the news,’ said Kenton Archer, landlord of The Bull. ‘We’re shifting
these celebration cocktails quicker than you can say ‘Boudicca of Borsetshire’.
Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall said she
was ‘completely humbled’ by the way the village had come together.
‘Of course, Robert and I were upset when we
thought we’d have to cancel our open garden day, because the insurance company
refused cover,’ she said. ‘But we had no idea the whole of Ambridge would share
our pain.’
Bert Fry, who put the finishing touches to
his own garden on hold to help fence off the river at Ambridge Hall, said it
was the least he could do. ‘We didn’t give up in the flood and we won’t give up
now,’ he said.
Mrs Snell said her garden opening would now
go ahead as planned.
‘I really regret calling Bert an upstart
competitor who was stooping to naked self-promotion and vulgar commercialism,’
she said. ‘And of course I feel sorry for the villages of Edgeley and Loxley
Norton, whose open garden days will now be a complete flop.
‘But as Robert always says to me when we’re
relaxing on the daybed in the shepherd’s hut: Resurgam, Lyndy!’
• In other news, Borsetshire County Council
is this week set to approve a new route for the Borchester-Hollerton relief
road. Route C, which will run through Edgeley and Loxley Norton, has been
preferred to Route B, which would have run through Ambridge. This will come as
no surprise to regular readers. We reported last year that the independent
assessment of flood risk, commissioned by the SAVE campaign, plus the discovery
of a rare brown hairstreak butterfly, had effectively scuppered Route B. But
for some reason The Borchester Echo
thought this was big news, so we are giving it a paragraph.
Noise is a nuisance at Open Farm Sunday
Visitors to Open Farm Sunday at Brookfield
have complained that their day out was ruined by a constant droning sound that
disrupted the event.
‘We thought life was peaceful down on the
farm,’ said one. ’But from the moment we got there the droning started. First
there was Adam Macy, boring on about the sat nav on his giant muck-spreader.
Then we went to see the Herefords, but couldn’t concentrate because of Pip
Archer’s tedious commentary on breeding and pasture and the like.
‘To be honest, it was a welcome diversion
when that little flying camera started buzzing overhead. Gave us a chance to
get away for a cup of tea and a slice of lemon drizzle, which is what we really
come for.’
From the message boards…
What’s got Ambridge residents buzzing
online this week? Here’s our pick of the top topics…
• Hey guys, what do we think about the
Referendum debate? I think good farmers will thrive outside the EU – we could
say goodbye to all that red tape and we’re a strategic industry, so the
government won’t leave us high and dry without any subsidies. I’m for Brexit.
What about you? HomeFarmAdam
• Yeah, but what about global markets? What
about all that Polish and Bulgarian lamb coming over here, taking our
shepherd’s pies? What about the three crop rule? Thought you were all for
ecofarming, Mr Healthy Soil. It’s a tricky one and no mistake. Mine’s a pint by the way! PipsDad
• There won’t be any European Union at Grange
Farm when Oliver and Caroline Sterling get back from Italy, not when they’ve
seen what we’ve done to the place! Piglets, bullocks, the cider club – and as
for the crack in the kitchen wall… It’ll be Grexit for us Grundys quick as you
like… and where will our Ed and Emma go? Clarrieluv
• Hi everyone, Anya here, remember me? I used
to work for Ambridge Organics.. Anyway, Pat Archer’s got in touch and offered
me a job at the new Bridge Farm shop. So as soon as I can tear myself away from
Koh Samui I’ll be back in Ambridge. I wasn’t quite clear on why Pat needs me
though – something about the shop being short-staffed and Helen being away? Can
anyone fill me in? HappyAnya
• Hello Anya, it’s Susan Carter here, temporary
manager at Bridge Farm; I’m drawing on my extensive retail experience to sort
out the pickle they’ve got themselves into. Let’s just say Pat’s got enough on
her plate, what with Rob wanting custody of Helen’s cute little baby and Henry
as well, and that prison’s such a long way away… Nothing for you to worry about. Anyway, can you tell me what
size you are so I can order you a nice polyester tabard? SalesguruSue
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
I am writing to ask if any of your readers
recently left some items in our hotel. We cannot return them directly as the
guests in question registered as ‘Mr and Mrs Smith’, but we found a rolled-up
copy of The Ambridge Observer and
thought they may live in south Borsetshire?
The housekeeper who serviced the room was
too traumatised by what she saw to give a clear description but suffice it to
say the guests were a couple of a certain age. The lost property includes
expensive intimate apparel, a silk smoking jacket, a pair of fluffy handcuffs,
a half-empty bottle of gin and an economy-sized tube of Voltarol.
If any of your readers recognise these
items could they please contact me in confidence to arrange their safe return.
Yours faithfully
C. Nittall, Manager, Old Chestnuts Hotel,
Peak District.
I must say that the pharmacist advised me that Voltarol should not be used in 'personal' areas, as it could cause intense irritation, but clearly this couple were an 'access all zones' type of clientele.
ReplyDeleteI just hope they never head for a midnight tryst in Lynda's Shepherd's Hut with a spray-can of Deep Heat.
I dread to think of the fate of the drop-down bed! And how Lilian would explain those painfully positioned splinters to Jennifer the following morning.
Signed a suburban Berkshire housewife *Blush*
Yes indeed Cathy - I think next week's issue needs a manufacturer's disclaimer on correct usage of analgesic creams... it would be awful if Justin and Lilian inspired any accidents...
DeleteBrill, as ever!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jenny, most kind!
DeleteBrill, as ever!
ReplyDelete