Sunday, 19 June 2016

Carol stumbles, Rob steps out and the Sterlings are in shock: an awkward week in Ambridge

Was Carol felled by the Resurgam Curse?

Celebrations to mark HM The Queen’s 90th birthday in Ambridge were marred by a controversial injury to a senior citizen.
Mrs Carol Tregorran of Glebe Cottage broke her wrist while visiting the garden of Ambridge Hall, during an open day for the public. Witnesses said Mrs Tregorran was taking a photograph when she stepped backwards and fell awkwardly.
Villagers are already blaming the accident on the ‘Resurgam Curse’, named after the stone memorial to the Ambridge flood that is a central feature of the garden.
But Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall dismissed the suggestion as ‘nonsense’.
‘Carol is saying she tripped over my ‘Resurgam’ stone because she wants to claim compensation from my insurers, but I’m not having it!’ she said. ‘If you ask me, she’d had one too many of her own ‘special teas’ before coming to Ambridge Hall. And anyway, I’m certain she fell over Joe Grundy’s shepherd’s smock. He’d left it in a heap on the path after I told him and Eddie off for hawking their tawdry trade on my special day.
‘It’s the Grundys’ fault, you mark my words! And good luck to Carol getting any cash out of them!’

Injured flood hero takes part in Royal fun

Rob Titchener, still recovering from the near-fatal injuries he sustained in April, was warmly welcomed at the Queen’s birthday celebrations on Saturday. He toured the open gardens at Bert Fry’s bungalow and Ambridge Hall with his son Henry, five, and conducted an informal ‘limpabout’ with spectators.
‘It was a privilege to shake his hand,’ said one. ‘He was so chatty, just like a normal person really. No airs and graces. You wouldn’t think he was so special.’
Mr Titchener said he was ‘touched but not surprised’ by his reception.
‘People know straightforward decency when they see it, and they know a cold-hearted, psychopathic bitch when they see one too,’ he said. (Careful, this is all sub judice. And not very nice. Ed).  
‘I only hope it will not be too long before my new son, Gideon Robert, comes home so I can bring him up properly. Stop that Henry; you don’t want another of Daddy’s special little chats, do you?’

NEW SERIES: Your week in the stars

Is love in your future? Will you change career? Our new columnist, renowned astrologer Janet Planet, has all the answers…

PISCES   Lucky Pisces ladies: two young men vy for your attention this week! One of them will pretend to be interested in dairy herd fertility and promise you dinner somewhere on the M4. The other will try to persuade you to do the voiceover for his tacky eggs video by passing off The Bull’s tasting menu as home-made and  flattering your ‘mellifluous tones’.  (Janet’s prediction: go for the one who’s friends with a baronet).

CANCER  Although your birthday is near the summer solstice, this year it will be unlucky for you as your mum will post an open invitation on Facebook to an all-nighter for all her weird mates while you’re trying to revise Business Economics and the Distribution of Income.  Also, beware great-aunts bearing corkscrews.

VIRGO Young male Virgoans need to be careful this week if they don’t want to be caught out ‘relocating’ hens from their own business to a rival, potentially more lucrative venture. Watch out for fiery encounters with Taureans, especially those called Neil.

LIBRA  Librans may have itchy feet this week – for example, you could suddenly become fascinated by the family farming business, even though you currently specialise in, say, aeronautical engineering. You may also find yourself playing gooseberry at a motorway service station, but don’t worry – Janet predicts you’re lending romance a helping hand!


This week, May Latcham-Onslow-Lee of the Borsetshire Breastfeeding Support Group answers new mums’ queries:

Q I had no trouble breastfeeding my first little boy but with my newborn it’s a different story. We both seem to find the whole process painful, and I’m worried he’s not getting enough nourishment. As a bit of background, I’m in the mother and baby unit of a prison, and my baby reminds me of his abusive and violent father. What do you think could be the problem? Helen A.

A Well Helen, little ones always know when mummy is stressed and it sounds as if your baby  is picking up on your worries. Have you tried a distraction technique? Find yourself a cheerful friend – a chirpy Cockney-sparrer type is perfect – and get her to tell you a warm-hearted, silly story or two while you’re starting to feed. It’ll take your mind off your troubles and you’ll soon see the little chap is plugging away like there’s no tomorrow!


Contract cleaner required

Experienced and unshockable contractor required for an urgent deep-clean and repairs at Grange Farm, Ambridge, following the return of the owners from Italy, the imminent departure of tenants and in preparation for sale.  Contract includes:

• investigating and repairing a crack in the kitchen wall
• rebuilding a burnt-out garden shed
• repairing  a broken banister and cleaning felt-tip drawings off landing walls
• removing mysterious brown stains, possibly flood water, from ceilings
• eliminating a peculiar whiff from the soft furnishings
• stripping off and replacing ruined wallpaper in dining room
• deep-cleaning dog vomit, ferret urine and spilt cider from carpets
• cleaning up the front garden, which is a pig sty (literally)

Apply to Caroline Sterling, c/o The Spa at Grey Gables, where she is having hourly aromatherapy massages as treatment for shock.

Save the date!

Spiritual Home is Borsetshire’s newest, coolest, most ecofriendly new holistic retreat – and it’s opening soon!  Join us round the firepit at our day-into-night launch party, and share a wheatgrass smoothie with owner Kate Madikane and her team of highly trained therapists. You won’t want to rebalance your chakras anywhere else!
The retreat will be open just as soon as Kate paints the studio, orders the new boiler and puts up the yurts. Or gets someone else to do it as she’s feeling a little fragile, thanks to dad’s wine fridge and Aunty Lilian!