Was Carol felled by the Resurgam Curse?
Celebrations to mark HM The Queen’s 90th birthday
in Ambridge were marred by a controversial injury to a senior citizen.
Mrs Carol Tregorran of Glebe Cottage broke
her wrist while visiting the garden of Ambridge Hall, during an open day for
the public. Witnesses said Mrs Tregorran was taking a photograph when she stepped
backwards and fell awkwardly.
Villagers are already blaming the accident
on the ‘Resurgam Curse’, named after the stone memorial to the Ambridge flood
that is a central feature of the garden.
But Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall
dismissed the suggestion as ‘nonsense’.
‘Carol is saying she tripped over my
‘Resurgam’ stone because she wants to claim compensation from my insurers, but
I’m not having it!’ she said. ‘If you ask me, she’d had one too many of her own
‘special teas’ before coming to Ambridge Hall. And anyway, I’m certain she fell
over Joe Grundy’s shepherd’s smock. He’d left it in a heap on the path after I
told him and Eddie off for hawking their tawdry trade on my special day.
‘It’s the Grundys’ fault, you mark
my words! And good luck to Carol getting any cash out of them!’
Injured flood hero takes part in Royal fun
Rob Titchener, still recovering from the
near-fatal injuries he sustained in April, was warmly welcomed at the Queen’s
birthday celebrations on Saturday. He toured the open gardens at Bert Fry’s
bungalow and Ambridge Hall with his son Henry, five, and conducted an informal ‘limpabout’
with spectators.
‘It was a privilege to shake his hand,’
said one. ‘He was so chatty, just like a normal person really. No airs and
graces. You wouldn’t think he was so special.’
Mr Titchener said he was ‘touched but not
surprised’ by his reception.
‘People know straightforward decency when
they see it, and they know a cold-hearted, psychopathic bitch when they see one
too,’ he said. (Careful, this is all sub
judice. And not very nice. Ed).
‘I only hope it will not be too long before
my new son, Gideon Robert, comes home so I can bring him up properly. Stop that
Henry; you don’t want another of Daddy’s special little chats, do you?’
NEW SERIES: Your week in the stars
Is love in your future? Will you change
career? Our new columnist, renowned astrologer Janet Planet, has all the
answers…
PISCES Lucky Pisces
ladies: two young men vy for your attention this week! One of them will pretend
to be interested in dairy herd fertility and promise you dinner somewhere on
the M4. The other will try to persuade you to do the voiceover for his tacky
eggs video by passing off The Bull’s tasting menu as home-made and flattering your ‘mellifluous
tones’. (Janet’s prediction: go
for the one who’s friends with a baronet).
CANCER
Although
your birthday is near the summer solstice, this year it will be unlucky for you
as your mum will post an open invitation on Facebook to an all-nighter for all
her weird mates while you’re trying to revise Business Economics and the
Distribution of Income. Also, beware
great-aunts bearing corkscrews.
VIRGO
Young male Virgoans need to be careful this week if
they don’t want to be caught out ‘relocating’ hens from their own business to a
rival, potentially more lucrative venture. Watch out for fiery encounters with Taureans,
especially those called Neil.
LIBRA Librans may
have itchy feet this week – for example,
you could suddenly become fascinated by the family farming business, even
though you currently specialise in, say, aeronautical engineering. You may also
find yourself playing gooseberry at a motorway service station, but don’t worry
– Janet predicts you’re lending romance a helping hand!
ASK THE EXPERT
This week, May Latcham-Onslow-Lee of the Borsetshire
Breastfeeding Support Group answers new mums’ queries:
Q I had no trouble breastfeeding my first little boy but with my
newborn it’s a different story. We both seem to find the whole process painful,
and I’m worried he’s not getting enough nourishment. As a bit of background,
I’m in the mother and baby unit of a prison, and my baby reminds me of his
abusive and violent father. What do you think could be the problem? Helen A.
A Well Helen, little ones always know when mummy is stressed and it
sounds as if your baby is picking
up on your worries. Have you tried a distraction technique? Find yourself
a cheerful friend – a chirpy Cockney-sparrer type is perfect – and get her to tell you a warm-hearted, silly story or two while you’re starting to feed. It’ll take your
mind off your troubles and you’ll soon see the little chap is plugging away
like there’s no tomorrow!
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
Contract
cleaner required
Experienced and unshockable contractor
required for an urgent deep-clean and repairs at Grange Farm, Ambridge,
following the return of the owners from Italy, the imminent departure of
tenants and in preparation for sale. Contract includes:
• investigating and repairing a crack in
the kitchen wall
• rebuilding a burnt-out garden shed
• repairing a broken banister and cleaning felt-tip drawings off landing
walls
• removing mysterious brown stains,
possibly flood water, from ceilings
• eliminating a peculiar whiff from the
soft furnishings
• stripping off and replacing ruined
wallpaper in dining room
• deep-cleaning dog vomit, ferret urine and
spilt cider from carpets
• cleaning up the front garden, which is a
pig sty (literally)
Apply to Caroline Sterling, c/o The Spa at
Grey Gables, where she is having hourly aromatherapy massages as treatment for
shock.
Save
the date!
Spiritual Home is Borsetshire’s newest,
coolest, most ecofriendly new holistic retreat – and it’s opening soon! Join us round the firepit at our
day-into-night launch party, and share a wheatgrass smoothie with owner Kate
Madikane and her team of highly trained therapists. You won’t want to rebalance
your chakras anywhere else!
The retreat will be open just as soon as
Kate paints the studio, orders the new boiler and puts up the yurts. Or gets
someone else to do it as she’s feeling a little fragile, thanks to dad’s wine
fridge and Aunty Lilian!
Wonderful, as per usual :)
ReplyDeleteBrava
ReplyDeleteThank you both, very kind!
ReplyDeleteFantastic! Thanks for the chuckle.
ReplyDeleteBroad bean, you're very welcome!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant commentary!
ReplyDelete