Fame beckons for Borsetshire’s bard
Bert Fry, the popular ‘Borsetshire
Laureate’, is to star in his own TV show after being talent-spotted at
Hollowtree Farm.
‘We were there with Evie Thorn-Davies to do
a piece about hens living in a caravan,’ said Tarquin Chase-Ratings, director
of the production company behind Good
Look at Borsetshire. ‘Evie was chatting up the farmer – smarmy guy called
Toby something – and there was a pushy kid – Jock? Josh? – who kept trying to
get into shot.
‘But I got chatting to this marvellous old
chap who’d made a ridiculous egg-mobile and a Romany caravan for the hens, all
with a couple of old axles and some cheap veneer. Then he showed me his poems
and suddenly I thought: “Tarquin, there’s your BAFTA, right there!” DIY and poetry – never been done
before; a star in his 80s – ticking the Mary Berry box – and it’s all rural and
sustainable. Like Fred Dibnah only greener. Pure telly gold!’
Mr Chase-Ratings said he was keen for his
people to talk to Bert’s people as soon as possible and hoped to get ‘Build it
with Bert the Bard’ on our screens by the autumn.
Holistic entrepreneur claims therapy ‘miracle’
Kate Madikane, whose holistic spa at Home
Farm in Ambridge opens shortly, (really?
This century? Ed) says she will be offering a unique ‘text therapy’ that is
already seeing results.
‘It was like, so amazing,’ said Ms
Madikane. ‘My friend Lynda Snell had this terrible allergic reaction to something
and had booked a ‘Healing Hands Experience’ – only £60, to include a glass of
hemp juice.
‘But she’d sent me a selfie of her rash and
to be honest, I didn’t fancy getting my hands on it. And anyway, I was at a
meeting with a cool guy who makes vegan Prosecco, so I couldn’t drive back.
‘Then suddenly I felt a powerful healing
vibe and I knew I could transmit it to Lynda. So I texted her! All I said was
‘Stuck in Waterley Cross, sorry, XX.’ But I just knew that would be enough.
It’s like homeopathy, only more modern, and easier to spell.
‘Obviously, Lynda hasn’t actually seen any
improvement yet. But as soon as she goes to the pharmacy and gets some
weapons-grade anti-histamines, she’ll be right as rain.’
Ms Madikane says she plans to offer
‘text-therapy’ to all her guests. ‘That way, I can lie on a beach in Goa and
send healing vibes, without lifting a finger. Win-win!’
Planners bring out the big guns against elves
Borsetshire Planning enforcement officers
say they are ‘very concerned’ about illegal building works in the Ambridge
Millennium Wood (note to subs: call it
the Aldridge Wood or we’ll never hear the end of it from Jennifer. Ed.)
‘Officers had a tip-off that a rogue
development code-named “Elftown” was being built in the wood,’ said a council
spokesperson, Anna Stopp-Notice.
‘When we investigated, we found that this
was in fact a model village built by Mr Ed Grundy of Grange Farm for his
daughter Keira. Apparently her little face lit up when she saw it.
‘However, the principle is clear; the
Ambridge (Aldridge. Ed) Millennium
Wood is strictly protected from any development. And we were very concerned
when we heard that Mr Grundy and his family may soon be made homeless. The next
thing you know, those elves will be out on their ear and illegal dwellings will
go up instead.’
Ms Stopp-Notice said worried residents must
not take unilateral action against development. ‘We understand that the wood’s
owner, Mr Brian Aldridge, has threatened to blast the settlement with a ‘teeny
tiny gamekeeper with a teeny tiny gun,’ she said. ‘Those are not our methods
but rest assured we will be making full use of our powers under the law.’
Fairytale fun for all the family
Children aged between four and seven are
invited to Borchester Library at half-term, to hear some much-loved fairy tales
given a modern twist.
The free story-telling session is hosted by
Rob Titchener, who says he came up with the idea while telling stories to his
own son, Henry, five.
‘It struck me that we can use fairy tales,
which children love, to help shape their experience of the world,’ he said. ‘For instance, it’s not widely known that
in Goldilocks and the Three Bears, nasty Mummy Bear hits lovely Daddy Bear over
the head with the porridge pot in front of Baby Bear. Daddy Bear has to go to
hospital and Mummy Bear goes away to be made nice again, but it isn’t Daddy
Bear’s fault.
‘And the Big Bad Wolf is only
trying to protect Little Red Riding Hood from her evil grandmother, who is
called Pat. He only eats her up so he can look after Little Red Riding Hood all
on his own.
‘I’m now unemployed and disabled, so I have
time on my hands and feel I should give something back,’ said Mr Titchener.
The Trials of Peggy Woolley
In
the latest chapter of our romantic serial, by award-winning novelist Lavinia
Catwater, our heroine finds her reserves of courage tested as never before…
‘Oh Peggy, you’ve no idea how terrible
things are!’ Pat’s face was red and blotchy and she was sobbing noisily; Bill
was already under the sofa, his paws over his ears. ‘I had to get Tony to help me make cheese, and he was
rubbish at it. And Fallon and Emma don’t even want any of Tom’s sausages
midweek. I don’t think I can cope much longer!’
As usual, Peggy surveyed her
daughter-in-law with a mixture of affection and irritation. If only she hadn’t
come along and turned Tony’s head with her organic Welsh wiles, things might have been so different. But not
even Pat deserved this torment. ‘Look dear, calm down,’ she soothed. ‘You’ll
make yourself ill. That wouldn’t help Helen – and I don’t think the paramedics
would come here again, after the false alarm with Christine’s dentures.’
Pat blew her nose loudly; Bill fled up the
stairs. ‘You’re right Peggy; but what can I do?’ ‘Don’t worry dear. Remember, I
survived the Blitz, and I have my investment – erm, I mean my family – to
protect! Leave it to me!’
Peggy managed to keep up a calm front as she saw Pat out, but
inwardly she was in turmoil. She knew what she had to do… but was she up to it?
And what would she wear?
*
Drawing herself up to her full height,
Peggy straightened her suit and stalked through the barred gate, ushered by a
stern warden. She couldn’t help hearing the giggling girls behind her: ‘Is that
the Queen Mother? I thought she was dead!’
And they’d made her take her hat off. Such
an indignity… but it was worth it, for Helen. The visiting room was harshly-lit
and noisy, and she peered through the crowd. Had Helen got her message? Yes,
here she was, her yellow tabard straining over her bump, which looked enormous
on her slight frame. ‘Oh Gran!’ Helen’s eyes filled with tears as Peggy gave
her the single permitted kiss on the cheek. ‘I hate you seeing me here – and I
can’t even offer you a scone!’ ‘Don’t you worry dear; no scones in the Blitz,
you know! Now, tell me how you are…’
•
On the way home, Peggy reflected on how
right she’d been to worry so much about Helen. Why was she so desperate to keep
Henry and the new baby ‘safe’ from Rob? It didn’t make sense, unless… it didn’t
bear thinking about.
‘’Listen dear,’ she’d told her
granddaughter. ‘Pat and Tony are doing everything they can, making a new batch
of Borsetshire Blue, and Henry is fine. You must go to the mother and baby
unit, and you have just one job to do there.’
Helen’s eyes widened. ‘Make flapjacks for
the fete? I don’t think they’ll let me…’
‘No, Helen. You must remember you are an
Archer woman, and Archer women are strong. Just like in the Blitz, when I
managed to get the last bit of blackout curtain in the shop. I will bring that
spirit to support you now. But you must fight. Fight for your children. Can you
do that, Helen?’
Could she do it? As Peggy gazed on the
rain-lashed train window, she wondered…
To be
continued….
Very amusing, but with a real tear-jerker at the end.
ReplyDeleteYes, even grizzled old reporters were wiping their eyes. But whether Peggy got through to Helen remains to be seen...
DeleteVery amusing, but with a real tear-jerker at the end.
ReplyDeleteA tear jersey at the end, but very amusing.
ReplyDeleteHello Unknown, I'm not sure what a tear jersey is - sounds like something Ed Grundy would wear. But thanks!
DeleteA tear jersey at the end, but very amusing.
ReplyDeleteSurely a tear jersey, impregnated with sorrow, is Kate Madikane's field of expertise. Knit it, ceremonially burn it, and bingo! No more tears.
DeleteBrilliant. So funny and most appreciated. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou're very welcome Athena; thank you for reading!
DeleteDo you know where I can get organic Welsh wiles? And do you think they are better as a starter or for a light luncheon? Wine suggestions would be much appreciated.
ReplyDelete