Bridge Farm couple bury the hatchet
Ambridge residents were celebrating this
week after news spread of a long-awaited reunion between one of the village’s
favourite couples.
‘It’s so good they are back together,’ said
Fallon Rogers of the Ambridge Tea Room. ‘Of course, it was awful what Tom
Archer did; you should never humiliate someone by rejecting them like that. But
he was under a lot of stress and acted without thinking. And there were harsh
words said on both sides.
‘But with the crisis at Bridge Farm,
they’ve both realised they can’t live without each other. All their friends are
so pleased for them.’
Tom Archer said he was ‘delighted’ to
confirm the news. ‘Yes, it’s true, Jazzer McCreary is back as pig man at Bridge
Farm and we couldn’t be happier,’ he said. ‘It’s true he insulted my sister
Helen and that was hard to forgive. But without Jazzer, I would have had to
sell the pigs. So it was an easy decision to offer him his job back.’
‘Aye, right enough, I’m back with the great
Sassenach plonker and my lovely wee girls,’ said Mr McCreary. ‘ I wasnae sure
when Tom tried to give me a man hug, mind. The only things I’ll be kissin’
round here are they pigs!’
Kirsty Miller, Mr Archer’s former fiancée,
said she wished the couple well. ‘I always knew I couldn’t compete with
Jazzer,’ she said. ‘He and Tom both love those pigs more than anything. If
there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s never to come between a man and his
weaners.’
Elfgate: tensions rise ahead of Bank Holiday standoff
Villagers warned that Ambridge could be a
‘powderkeg’ over the Bank Holiday weekend, as tourists and landowners clash
over the ‘elf village’ that has
sprung up in the Ambridge Millennium Wood (Aldridge. How many times? Ed).
‘This elvish nonsense has gone too far,’ said Mr Brian
Aldridge of Home Farm. ‘The visitors are disturbing my game birds. And when it
comes down to peasants or pheasants, the pheasants win every time. Rest
assured, my gamekeeper Will Grundy will be guarding the wood with his shotgun
loaded. Caveat Elf Tour, that’s all I’m saying!’
Mrs Jolene Archer, landlady of The Bull, said any hostile action was likely to cause uproar. ‘Mr Aldridge is threatening a fine old village tradition, started by my husband Kenton last Wednesday,’ she said. ‘People visit the elves, then make a pilgrimage to the pub for a ploughman’s, a T-shirt and an ‘elfie’ with Joe Grundy in his green Gandalf outfit. ‘Locals will be furious that someone is trying to destroy their right to make money out of gullible tourists.’
Mrs Jolene Archer, landlady of The Bull, said any hostile action was likely to cause uproar. ‘Mr Aldridge is threatening a fine old village tradition, started by my husband Kenton last Wednesday,’ she said. ‘People visit the elves, then make a pilgrimage to the pub for a ploughman’s, a T-shirt and an ‘elfie’ with Joe Grundy in his green Gandalf outfit. ‘Locals will be furious that someone is trying to destroy their right to make money out of gullible tourists.’
Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison
Burns) said he was ‘concerned, but not worried,’ about the situation. ‘I might
get along there, but to be honest I’m a bit busy helping my girlfriend Fallon
with her Whitsun jumble trail,’ he said. ‘Anyway, this sounds more like a case
for the Elf & Safety team. And as I understand someone has built a lavatory
for the elves, investigators can’t say they have nothing to go on.’ (Oh,
please. Shoot me now. Ed).
PERSONAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
BIRTHS
John
Anthony Archer (to be known as Jack), born 21 May
at a hospital that cannot be named for legal reasons, to Helen Titchener, née
Archer, of Bridge Farm, and a man she wishes had had nothing to do with
it. A little brother for Henry, grandson
for Pat and Tony and nephew for Tom. Attending Jack’s birth were his
great-grandmother Peggy Woolley and two burly prison guards who mostly looked
the other way. ‘Helen has named the baby after her late brother John, her
father and my late husband Jack,’ said Mrs Woolley. ‘She chose the names herself, after three good men in her
life, she said.’ Mother and baby
are doing well after a long labour
and emergency Caesarean delivery, and will be leaving hospital later this week.
Gideon
Robert Titchener (to be known as My Son), born 21
May surrounded by armed guards because his mother is a crazed psychopath, to
Rob Titchener of Blossom Hill Cottage and the evil bitch who tried to destroy
the baby and his father. A little brother for Henry (also known as My Son),
grandson for Ursula and Bruce and nephew for Miles. ‘Rob has named the baby after my late father, who meant such
a lot to me,’ said Mrs Titchener. ‘If little Gideon turns out to be half the
man he was, I shall be so proud. Of course, my Robert is half the man he was,
thanks to that woman and her ghastly family. But it won’t be long before the
baby is here with us, where he belongs.’
Note
to news desk from classified ads dept: this seems odd; do you think there might
be a story here? Worth following
up?
Poetry Corner
Thanks to Mrs Emma Grundy of Grange Farm,
who sent in this poem, written by her husband Ed to mark their first wedding
anniversary this week. ‘The first year is paper, and Ed couldn’t think of
anything to get me,’ writes Mrs Grundy. ‘I said, well, money’s paper, but
instead he wrote this poem and read it out loud at our anniversary party. Isn’t
that romantic?’ Indeed it is Mrs
Grundy. Congratulations from all at The
Ambridge Observer!
For Emma
Shall I compare
you to a bale of hay?
You are more
cuddly and less prickly,
And though you try
to shake your head and say
‘Oh Ed, give over!’
I know where you’re tickly!
You’re now my wife, but long
before we wed
I loved you, and that love has
never dimmed;
For though you’re not too keen
on them in bed,
You’d never leave the ferrets’
nails untrimmed.
Now in the Ambridge Tea Room you’re
a star,
And my green tractor won’t be
repossessed,
and you and me and George and
little Keira
know that what’s to come is
still the best.
Though why you chose me I still
fail to see,
I love you Em, and pledge my
life to thee.
Summer fiction special: The Trials of
Matthew Holman
In
the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia
Catwater, our hero wrestles with an emotional dilemma…
‘Come on now Matthew; you’ve hardly touched
Jill’s lovely lemon drizzle cake!’ Ruth beamed at him hopefully. David, tucking
into a third slice, nodded furiously, spraying crumbs. Pip stared down at the
table, blinking hard as if she was trying not to cry. Oh, why had he decided to
come to Brookfield one last time? Why was Jill’s cake so much drier than he
remembered? Pushing his plate away, he said brightly: ‘Come on Pip, show me
these new cows of yours at Home Farm!’ ‘Good idea!’ said Ruth, visibly
relieved. David gave him a thumbs-up and reached over to finish off his cake.
‘Take the quad bikes! Have fun you two!’ But fun was the last thing on his
mind…
*
‘Why did you come here Matthew? You’ve already finished with
me!’ Pip’s lip wobbled and her eyes brimmed with tears. He nodded over at the
cows, who were kicking their heels and trying to mount each other in their
excitement at their new herbal pasture. ‘Because this is your future Pip,’ he
said wistfully. ‘Just as passing on
the secrets of the Dutch five-step foot-paring method to dairy farms across
this great land of ours is mine. We both love our jobs far too much to make
this relationship work.’
‘But I love you Matthew!’ Pip cried. ‘I’d
give it all up for you tomorrow, you know I would!’ ‘I couldn’t let you, Pip,’
he replied gently. ‘I thought when you left that job, it was
because it turned out to be PowerPoint presentations in High Wycombe instead of
riding the range in Rio. But now I know differently. Brookfield is in your
blood Pip. And I can’t make you choose between me and your birthright.’
With a last tender kiss he left her, her
tears dripping onto the electric fence. Riding back to Brookfield, he felt his
phone buzz in his pocket, and stopped to answer it. ‘Yeah, it went OK,’ he
said. ‘I’ll be back by midnight. See you later babes!’
Not
to be continued….
Wonderful, as usual :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteFantastic was helpless with laughter xxx
DeleteFantastic was helpless with laughter xxx
DeleteThank you, very kind!
DeleteElf and Safety. Why oh why oh why oh why didn't I think of that.
ReplyDeleteI did. Years ago. But I waive my copyright fee to support sylvan mental elf.
DeleteGood points Michael and Michael. Elf and Safety. What a lucky woman Fallon is! Life at Woodbine Cottage must be absolutely hilarious.
DeleteCan Matthew be that two faced? My heart breaks for Pip, the ruthless careerist.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful sonnet!
Well, we don't know Matthew has another dairymaid. But it's more fun that way. Ed has been taking poetry lessons from Bert, unfortunately..
DeleteIf anyone knows a thing or two about "game birds" it's Brian…
ReplyDeleteIndeed.... very protective of them too.
DeleteAnother tour de force, and the poem was surprisingly moving.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Ed definitely has romantic depths under those mucky overalls... :-)
Deletespot on
ReplyDeleteAh, thank you Jane!
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSO happy for Tom and Jazzer!
ReplyDeleteYes, a good news story to report for a change!
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