Oh yes they will! Oh no they won't!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS!

Double booking leads to wedding farce

The plot of the Ambridge Christmas pantomime took an unexpected twist this week when Friday’s dress rehearsal was accidentally double-booked with the wedding of Justin Elliott and Lilian Bellamy at Lower Loxley.

‘We couldn’t have the village hall because the boiler was broken, but I have to say everyone rose to the challenge brilliantly,’ said the director, Revd Alan Franks.

‘As a result, we’ve included some hilarious new scenes, including:

• Fur flies as Fabrice the hairdresser is reunited with Peggy Woolley’s pussy and attempts to give her a celebratory blue rinse. Hilda Ogden is not amused!

• Harrison Burns does a clog dance to The Laughing Policeman, accompanied by heavy hints about Count Justin’s criminal tendencies.

• Countess Lilian’s handmaidens, Queen Edwina (Eddie Grundy) and Lady Jennifer, enlist the Penny Hassett tug-of-war team to hoist the bride into her wedding dress. Pure slapstick!

• A touching duet, written for Count Justin and Countess Lilian by Borsetshire laureate Bert Fry, who has given The AmOb a sneak preview:

Count Justin:

‘I cannot sign this pre-nup, dear,

For legal docs fill me with fear.

So sorry folks, I will not wed her –

But still I cannot wait to bed her!’

Countess Lilian:

‘Oh Justin darling, what a tease,

Your cold feet brought me to my knees.

But as I’m now too old for Tinder,

We’re still going on our trip to India!’

‘It’s a shame that Lilian and Justin didn’t actually get married, although that’s a small price to pay for the comedy gold they brought to the pantomime,’ said the Revd Franks. ‘All I need now is for Lynda Snell as Fairy Carabosse to disappear in a puff of smoke and my Christmas will be complete.’

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your practical and emotional festive dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

I’ve been offered a steady job with sick pay, paid holiday and a pension, which would make it easier for me and my wife to get a mortgage on her dream home. But I like the freedom of being self-employed and when there is no work, I’m quite happy sitting in my big green tractor going ‘Brrmmm brrmmm’ and pretending I’m ploughing a field. My wife is cross with me for hesitating. Is she right?  Ed.

Dear Ed,

Yes. And I have a question for you. Would you like to spend Christmas at home, or locked up on your own in the turkey shed? If the former, I suggest you accept the job.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My husband Alistair is taking us to the Arctic Circle, where it is dark and cold and  the sun never rises, for a Christmas break, and has booked us into an ice hotel as an extra treat. It has been a difficult year, although lately I have made friends with a charming Welsh handyman, who has a knack for getting old boilers to fire up again. Is this just a coincidence?  Shula. 

Dear Shula,

In your longer letter, you tell me you will be cruising through the Nordic fjords on HMS Metaphor. I cannot say I am surprised. Enjoy your trip and watch out for icebergs! 

Dear Auntie Satya,

My family has just come into a life-changing amount of money. I would like to use it to develop a cookery school and my brother Tom wants to promote his fermented foods, such as kefir, although frankly they are gathering dust on the shelves. But my mum wants to spend all the money on the homeless, having spent a distressing half-hour sorting through old clothes with the vicar. What  would you advise? Helen.

Dear Helen,

Why not suggest that your mother gives away all the kefir products to the homeless? I believe that is what you young people call a ‘win-win’. Happy Christmas!

The Trials of Toby Fairbrother

Award-winning romantic novelist Lavinia Catwater returns with a searing new chapter of her passionate family saga, in which our hero faces a life-changing challenge…

Toby almost had a spring in his step as he made his way to Rickyard Cottage. He had to admit, Pip had given him a scare, breaking the news about the baby like that. But the old girl had seen sense and hadn’t even asked him to drive to her to the clinic. The Pipster had earned some special Toby love, he told himself, patting his pocket for his packet of Extra-Super-Safes. He wouldn’t make that mistake again! Holding up a sprig of mistletoe and a bag of value grapes, he confidently knocked on the door. She opened it, looking pale but still quite sexy, considering. ‘Hey, Pip! Pucker up!’ he beamed. ‘You might be feeling a bit rough now but you’ll soon be back in the saddle – and I’m not talking about the quad bike!’ He closed his eyes and leaned towards her, only to find he was kissing the rough wooden door, which had been slammed in his face…

*

‘Baby love, my baby love, ooh how I need you’…. The music thumped down from Freddie and Lily’s 18th birthday party, as if mocking the turmoil in Toby’s head. He drained his double shot of Horny Hogweed bourbon and slammed the glass down on the bar. ‘Hey, cool it man – come up to the party!’ slurred Freddie, stumbling down the stairs to the gents. He was sweating and his eyes were like pinwheels – a look Toby remembered vividly from his youth. Youth! It seemed centuries away now… ‘Trust me Freddie, my partying days are over,’ he said, feeling hot tears run down his cheeks. Was Pip really going to ruin all his dreams – a moderately successful gin business, a decent motorbike and VIP membership of Felpersham Rugby Club – for one random contraceptive mishap? Freddie shook his arm. ‘Hey, Toby! The second set’s all vintage stuff – you’ll love it. Come on, Daddio…’ But as the Horny Hogweed took its toll, Toby slid down the bar to the floor, a sodden heap of misery…

Lavinia dear, not exactly festive is it? Can you lighten up a bit for the New Year? Cheers. Ed.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

Through your pages I would like to congratulate my friend and colleague Brian Aldridge on being named Borsetshire Businessperson of the Year by the Borchester Echo.  I should add that the business editor, Christian Wyver, approached me first and said I would probably be chosen, if I would agree to a photo shoot and an in-depth interview. As I have given a number of in-depth interviews recently, specifically to Borsetshire CID with reference to the hit-and-run incident involving Matt Crawford, I declined. But I am sure Brian will be an excellent second choice although he is not as rich, or as interesting, as me.

Yours truly

Justin Elliott, chairman, Damara Capital.