New scam hits Ambridge and Emma creates a stink

Currency trading frenzy hits village
 

Financial speculators descended on Ambridge this week as the price of a new cryptocurrency reached record levels.

Code-named ‘Tumble Tussock’, the currency is publicised only by word of mouth and avoids all recognised exchanges. The price of a single unit, known as a ‘bottle’, reached £18,000 on news that the currency’s inventors, the shadowy Grundy family, were restricting supply to investors who also purchased their other financial instrument, the so-called ‘Turkey.’  

‘It was wild,’ said currency trader Red Braces. ‘There were rumours that hackers from North Korea had stepped in to flood the market with an inferior Tumble Tussock known as ‘Badger’s Piss.’ But these Grundys are clever. Once they’d linked Tumble Tussock securely to the Turkey we knew there was only upside for investors.’
A spokesperson for the Financial Conduct Authority said: 'We are investigating. This could be the worst case of in-cider trading we have ever seen.'

Drama delights the W.I.

Guest speaker at the Christmas meeting of Ambridge W.I. was Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall, who gave members a fascinating insight into the archetypal mythology of Sleeping Beauty, this year’s pantomime.

‘Lynda told us about her journey into the role of Fairy Nightshade,’ said Mrs Gemma Hawkins. ‘It was very realistic because when she was describing her search for the character’s super-objective, we all fell into a deep sleep, like Princess Aurora. Luckily, Susan Carter, who is playing Fairy Buttercup, was on hand to revive us with some mulled kefir and home-made mince pies with a touch of chilli. She says they’re a particular favourite with her husband Neil.’ 

Young entrepreneur plays her cards right

Borchester College student Lily Pargetter has launched her own range of social stationery, which she claims fills a gap in a growing market.

‘There are some situations that conventional cards don’t cover,’ says Lily. ‘And some things are much easier to say in a card, such as “Don’t worry; having a low sperm count isn’t the end of the world.” Or “I’d like to have a baby with you, but now isn’t the right time, is it?”

To celebrate the launch of her business, Lily has kindly designed a free cut-out-and-keep card for readers of The AmOb. ‘I thought a lot of people in Ambridge might find this one useful at the moment,’ she says.

New councillor in ‘Beangate’ bust-up

Emma Grundy, newly elected member of Ambridge Parish Council, sparked a row at this week’s meeting by accusing the village shop of ‘casual beanism’. ‘It’s supposed to be a community shop, run by the community for people in the community,’ she said. ‘But they insist on displaying premium baked beans right where young children like my Keira can see them. It’s like rubbing all that rich tomato sauce in my child’s face, when all we can afford is the value brand that’s a bit thin and watery.’

After rebuking one councillor, who said he thought Keira Grundy’s face was usually covered in chocolate, chairman Neil Carter said he would contact the village shop committee for comment. ‘I have to declare an interest here as Emma is my daughter and my wife manages the shop,’ he said. ‘But I’m surprised, as Susan keeps a stock of chilli beans especially for me and Emma has never complained about those.’

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: Knocked Up (18)

Rising young dairy farmer Pip hits a serious bump in the road after a brief reunion with irresponsible ex Toby results in pregnancy. Uncertain what to do, she decides to give Toby a chance to prove he is father material. However, when he produces his season ticket to the termination clinic and offers to drive her there, she begins to doubt if they are truly compatible, and wonders if she would be happier helping her parents redesign the milking parlour.  Warning: contains scenes of excruciating awkwardness.