Burns takes the stage and Lynda outwits the vicar...

Crawford case: police open new line of enquiry…

Five weeks after the hit-and-run incident that nearly killed fugitive fraudster Matt Crawford, police admit they are no nearer to making an arrest. But the enquiry stepped up this week as Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) unveiled an unorthodox operation designed to flush out the culprit. 

‘It was talking to our vicar about the pantomime that gave me the idea,’ he said. ‘He thinks he persuaded me to play Prince Florian, but it’s all a cunning ruse. Halfway through the first act I’m going to whip my notebook out of my doublet and put the audience on the spot. I’m going to kick off with these lines:

‘Ladies and gents, your help I need

To find out who did a dreadful deed.

So if you know who splatted Matt,

Please don’t keep it under your hat.’

Then I’m going to point at someone on the stage and say: "It’s him!" And the audience will roar back: "Oh no it isn’t!" and I’ll reply: "Oh yes it is!" and so on.

Of course, I’m hoping that the culprit will break cover and run across the stage, so the audience can shout "He’s behind you!" Then I’ll give chase and cuff him as he gets tangled up in the stage curtains. Job’s a good ‘un.’

…. as Borchester Land directors close ranks

Directors of Borchester Land called an emergency board meeting this week to distance themselves from the company’s former chairman, Matt Crawford, as the extent of his fraudulent activities became clear.

After the meeting, the board issued the following press release:

(Note to subs: please run this in full or it’s goodbye to the Christmas hamper from Justin Elliott. Ed)

‘The directors of Borchester Land plc confirm that they have no connection whatsoever with that bounder Matt Crawford, and anyone who says otherwise is a terrible fibber and a thoroughly bad egg.

‘In particular, Mr Justin Elliott wishes to state that just because Mr Crawford bought him a dog to humiliate him, sold him a house at an artificially inflated price and nearly ran away with his fiancée, Mrs Lilian Bellamy, this does not  mean that he had any personal dealings with Mr Crawford at all.

‘Furthermore, while the directors have every sympathy with the victims of the appalling fraud perpetrated by Mr Crawford and Hugo Melling, the company accepts no liability whatsoever for any losses incurred by anyone involved, especially Mr Elliott’s friend Latif Hussein and his future mother-in-law’s sister-in-law, Christine Barford. Sorry.

‘A merry Christmas to all.’

Grey Gables chef in bold PR move

In a bid to boost flagging festive bookings at Grey Gables Hotel, head chef Ian Craig has revealed he is appearing in a Christmas special of the BBC hit series Masterchef: the Professionals.

‘I’m not allowed to tell you how I got on,’ said Mr Craig. ‘Let’s just say, the judges had never seen anything like my signature dish, which was simply slices of Helen Archer’s Borsetshire Blue cheese, garnished with grated cheese, with a cheese sauce and a cheeky cheese tuile.

‘I told them, it’s all about local, top-quality ingredients, cooked simply, so I did. Then for my invention test I smuggled in a few of these fantastic dried mushrooms that Freddie Pargetter sold me. Monica couldn’t stop laughing, so I think she definitely got the concept. Marcus took a bit more convincing, but I think I impressed with my traditional Borsetshire dessert, Pip’s Duff Pudding. The presentation is very dramatic and it has a surprise mystery filling, so it does.’

Diocese ‘outraged’ by Ambridge Christmas sermon

The Bishop of Felpersham is said to be considering disciplinary action against the Revd Alan Franks, vicar of Stephen’s, after a draft of his Christmas Day sermon was leaked to the media.

The text seems to suggest that the Saviour of the World is not our Lord Jesus Christ, but Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall.

‘We like to be flexible, but on Christmas Day of all days, we expect a nod towards conventional doctrine,’ said a diocesan spokesperson. ‘We all know there are individuals in the community who go out of their way to help others, but to single one out in this way is ridiculous.’

Contacted by The AmOb, Revd Franks said his Christmas Day message had been taken out of context.

‘It’s true that I was so desperate to cast the role of the Bad Fairy in Sleeping Beauty that I went down on my knees to Mrs Snell and told her she was the saviour of Ambridge,’ he said. ‘No one was more relieved than I was when she said yes. But since then it has all gone horribly wrong. Instead of doing what I tell her, Mrs Snell has taken over as co-director of the pantomime and is making my life hell. I hope the diocese will agree this is punishment enough for my apostasy.’