Storm Brian, The Stables under a cloud, Christmas show unveiled!

Danger from ‘peak Brian’ averted

Weather experts were left red-faced this week after Storm Brian, which was forecast to cause widespread chaos in Ambridge, blew over without much fuss.

‘We know what can happen when Brian blows his top,’ said one. ‘And we thought there would be an almighty row when his granddaughter said she wouldn’t go to college while she is staying at Home Farm.

‘The prospect of Noluthando lazing about all day watching Netflix had already whipped Brian into a tropical storm, which strengthened to hurricane force when he stepped on Kate’s Om Tingsha bells in bare feet.

‘We fully expected raging winds that would see Spiritual Home’s yurts flying over to Penny Hassett,’ said our source. ‘But in the end, Freddie Pargetter persuaded Noluthando that college would be cool. So she gave in. Phew.’ 

                                        

Director promises a musical classic

This year’s Ambridge Christmas show will be a reworking of the iconic Hollywood musical High Society, director Lynda Snell has revealed.

‘I had thought of dusting off an old Sleeping Beauty script and giving it to Alice Carter to direct,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘But once this idea struck, my creative juices started flowing faster than a Tumble Tussock in a cider press.

‘As you know, the story unfolds on the eve of the wedding of a beautiful socialite and her rich but dull fiancé. But her conman ex, who still loves her, is hanging around. And hilarity ensues when a third suitor turns up and the heroine has to choose between them all.’

The original 1956 film starred Grace Kelly, Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra, but Mrs Snell said she plans to update the production to suit local acting talent. ‘It would be wonderful to see some of our more mature players in starring roles,’ Mrs Snell said. ‘I hope Lilian Bellamy and Justin Elliott will tread the boards again, and that I can cajole Matt Crawford to delay his departure to Costa Rica to take part. And we have a very promising newcomer, Philip Moss. It’s unusual to find a builder with such emotional depth.    

‘I may even cast myself and Robert in the knockabout duet ‘What a Snell party this is!’ she said. (Please, no. Ed). 

Goodbye, Mr Chaps

The South Borsetshire Hunt Ball lost its bucking bronco sideshow this week as the supplier claimed he was worried it might be damaged or even destroyed at the event.  

Chuck Chaps, owner of Rampant Rodeos (Felpersham) Inc., said he was no longer prepared to send his ‘Mean Mustang’ to the ball, now that it is being run by new Joint Master Shula Hebden Lloyd.

‘I’ve read plenty of ugly rumours about the way Mrs Hebden Lloyd runs her livery business,’ he said. ‘it’s all over the equestrian community message boards. And her husband the vet is just as bad, by all accounts. Killing horses and losing clients hand over fist.

‘People think you can treat this machine any way you like but it’s really quite sensitive,’ said Mr Chaps. ‘I told Mrs Hebden Lloyd that Mean Mustang had developed a fault but the truth is he’ll be staying in the stable. I might even give him an extra squirt of WD40 in the joints as he’s getting on a bit.’

Contacted by The AmOb, Mrs Hebden Lloyd said that stories of neglect and mistreatment at The Stables were ‘unfounded and malicious’. ‘I’m afraid a former employee with a grudge is to blame, and my husband and I are taking legal advice,’ she said. ‘But in the meantime the ball faces a crisis. At this rate I may have to ask Aunty Peggy if I can borrow Hilda Ogden to give the guests that dicing-with-death thrill.’

 Election watchdog warns parish clerk

The monitoring officer at Borsetshire District Council has expressed concern about the neutrality of the clerk of Ambridge Parish Council in the run-up to its forthcoming by-election.

Robert Snell, who is standing for the seat vacated by Oliver Sterling, claims that Jim Lloyd, the clerk, is giving his rival Emma Grundy an unfair advantage by helping her campaign. ‘Favouring one candidate over another would be completely contrary to the clerks’ code of conduct,’ said Les B. Watchingham. ‘I would take a very serious view if this were true. And in fact it’s quite rare, as clerks usually see the election of new councillors as just another bunch of newbies they have to train up before they can do too much damage.’

Mr Lloyd denied doing anything improper to influence the outcome of the election.* ‘Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?’ he said. ‘And anyway, status quo est distraxisse.’  

*At least we think he did. Ed.