Darrington nick the win: Burns nicks no one

A strong showing from Ambridge’s women was not enough to save the injury-hit team from defeat against arch-rivals Darrington in the end-of-season clash on Sunday. Despite a captain’s knock of 85 from Harrison Burns, the Ambridge innings tailed off weakly, not helped by Roy Tucker, whose heart was clearly not in the match (no, it’s in Bulgaria. Ed.) Darrington captain Chris Mills appeared unstoppable until caught by Ambridge twelfth man Jolene Archer off a finely judged short ball from Anisha Jayakody. But this was the highlight of a patchy performance and Darrington won by a wicket.

‘I think everyone knows who really won this match,’ said Harrison Burns. (Um, yes, Darrington. Ed.) ‘If you look at the league table, although we’re at the bottom we are actually at the top. Because we are nicer people. It’s a rule I apply to my crime clear-up record all the time. By the way, I don’t suppose you could ask your readers if they’ve seen a stolen loader anywhere? Somewhere near Brookfield? I’ve been too busy to look.’

Ask Auntie Satya

She’s back! With her warm, wise wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to tackle all your emotional and practical dilemmas.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My husband and I are desperately saving for our own home, but now he says we should spend some of the money on ram semen. Am I right to wonder if we still want the same things in life? Emma.

Dear Emma,

I confess I was not entirely sure what ‘ram semen’ is. It sounds like one of those fanciful names for colours you find in superior paint brochures. But I now see where the confusion over ‘saving for a deposit’ has arisen. In my experience, mortgage lenders always prefer cash. Try to find a compromise if you can.

Dear Auntie Satya,

I was off work this week after being kicked in the face by a cow, and when my ex, Toby, came round to cheer me up I found myself enjoying his company, even though he is a feckless, faithless waste of space. Is there something wrong with me? Pip.

Dear Pip,

In your longer letter you tell me the doctors at Borchester A & E ruled out concussion after your head injury. This sounds like medical negligence to me. Go back to your GP and demand a second opinion.

Dear Auntie Satya,

I thought my dreams had come true when my best friend Helen suggested that she might be willing to be a surrogate mother to a child for me and my husband Adam. But then she changed her mind, saying it wouldn’t be fair on her own two children.  I pretended I was fine with it, but secretly I feel hurt and betrayed. Am I wrong? Ian.   

Dear Ian,

I can see that you must be bitterly disappointed, but perhaps this is for the best. Surrogacy is a life-changing experience that could have ruined your friendship. Agree with Helen that in future you will only accept less emotionally charged gifts, such as cheese. 

Borsetshire Rural Cinema 

Showing this week: A comedy double bill!

100 Things I Hate About You. The rom-com classic of the 90s is brought bang up to date as bad-tempered Kate reaches 40 and challenges friends and family to tell her home truths about herself as a gift. Fur flies as feisty sister Alice takes her at her word, and the surprise arrival of Kate’s teenage daughter Noluthando only adds to the mayhem as Kate is taught a lesson about life, love and not abandoning your children in South Africa.  Advisory: some very awkward scenes.

Plus:

Two Men and a Baby. In a budget remake of Three Men and a Baby, Adam and Ian search for a surrogate mother for their child. Will they find someone willing, reliable and not too flaky, like that Victoria they met at the party? Will Adam overcome his dislike of dirty nappies so that Ian can achieve his dream of bringing up a baby of his own? And how will they react when Adam’s mum Jennifer offers to buy them a toddler off the internet? The road to parenthood is a rocky one in this heartwarming family saga with a modern twist.