Council in crisis and is Kate a good egg?

Council in ‘existential crisis’ leadership shocker

Ambridge Parish Council was rocked to the core this week as it was plunged into what chairman Neil Carter described as ‘an unprecedented constitutional crisis.’

Following the resignation of Oliver Sterling, a vacancy has arisen and for the first time in living memory, more than one candidate has expressed an interest in taking over.

‘We’re really not sure of the procedure,’ said Mr Carter. ‘The last time we had an election in the parish, Nathan Applecore stood against Sir Grimwood Buckle and won on a platform of repealing the Corn Laws.’

To add to the complexity of the situation, one of the candidates for the vacant seat is Mr Carter’s daughter, Emma Grundy, whose passionate defence of the proposed new housing at Bridge Farm has already seen her labelled a ‘firebrand’ by some local residents.

‘This Council is too pale, male and stale. It’s about time it was shaken up a bit,’ said Mrs Grundy. 'Ambridge needs to take people like me and my family seriously and there are plenty round here who agree with me. Jill Archer has already said she’ll support me at hustings. She’s making weapons-grade flapjacks specially.’

Mrs Grundy’s opponent, Robert Snell, says he is ‘surprised but prepared’ to contest an election. ‘I’m standing on a bird-watching platform at the moment,’ he said.’ But as soon as I’ve finished my sandwiches I’m going to get on with campaigning. Lyndy has given me some lovely ideas, such as compulsory book club membership and funding half-price cappuccini for senior citizens at the Bridge Farm tea room.’

My Week, by Kate Madikane

We catch up with the owner of Spiritual Home, Ambridge’s very own eco-spa, as she reflects on the nature of motherhood…

Sunday

Children are such a blessing, aren’t they? Especially when you’d completely forgotten you had a daughter, and then she pops up as a surprise present for your 40th birthday!  Nolly (no, Noluthando – I must remember she’s all grown up now!) is such a joy to me. Once she’d recognised me at my party, we were soon much more like besties than mum and daughter. Of course, living with her father in Durban has rather restricted her mindset and to be honest she could be more respectful of my spiritual integrity and holistic practices. But we all come to truth in our own way. As long as it’s my way, of course.

Monday

Being around Nolly (I mean, Noluthando!) has made me feel so connected with myself as a mother. Not like with Phoebe – she takes after her father, basically quite dull. Super-brainy of course, she must have got that from me. No, I can see my own free spirit and strong sense of self in Nolly (surely, Noluthando? Ed). So much so, that I felt moved to share that gift with my brother and his husband. When I graciously informed Adam that I was prepared to bestow on them the full bounty of my womb by acting as their host mother, he was literally speechless. I know! Sometimes people are so overwhelmed by gratitude towards me, it is hard to be humble.

Tuesday

Nolly (oh, whatever. Ed)  and I had a wonderful mum-and-daughter bonding trip to London today. Of course, I hate the shallow, capitalist delusion of shopping for clothes and going to restaurants, but as we were spending my father’s money the bad karma is all his. People often misunderstand this.

Wednesday

What people don’t appreciate about me is that I’m a really careful, wise listener, always ready to see others’ point of view. So when my sister Alice had a word with me about my selfless gesture to be Adam and Ian’s surrogate, I listened closely.  She pointed out that I might sacrifice my business, my relationship with my children, and my figure by having another child. And, even though my vegan diet and yoga-honed uterus are the perfect environment for any foetus, I began to see that she was right. And, because I am truly generous of spirit, I allowed her to break the news to Adam and Ian for me. If only people like Roy could be as relaxed as me! He’s always fretting about silly details, like the restaurant manager at Grey Gables storming out in the middle of service. I said, ‘Roy, so a customer ended up wearing two crab risottos and a bavette tartare. Serves him right for not being vegan. Chill!’

Thursday

As I said, children are a joy, and sometimes they give you even more joy than you actually wanted! Noluthando has decided she would like to stay in Ambridge, and having spoken to her father I think she really needs some proper, empathetic maternal love. At least until Christmas. After a few months of vegan food, hatha flows and shaman rituals with me, I’m sure she will realise that her true spiritual path lies at Felpersham International on the way back to South Africa. Of course, I will be sad, but I have to follow my own true mantra of motherhood: ‘If you love them, let them go.’ 

Pet of the Week

Name: Titan

Owned by: Mrs Ramsay, Haybury

Likes: Polo mints, 3-day-eventing

Dislikes: Going to the vet; being gelded

(Urgent note to subs: pull this item. Alistair Lloyd says there was a balls-up in surgery. Ed.)