Shepherd of St Stephen’s seeks lost sheep
News that
attendances at Church of England services have sunk to a record low has
prompted one local vicar to take drastic action.
The Revd
Alan Franks of St Stephen’s, Ambridge, has launched an ambitious outreach programme
to recruit new worshippers.
‘It’s not
enough to focus on inward-looking events like the bell-ringers’ supper – but don’t
put that in or it’ll upset Shula,’ he said. ‘We need to bring in the forgotten,
the unforgiven, those on whom society has turned its back.’
The vicar
said he had started by offering Rob Titchener a lift home from the village
shop. ‘It was hard going,’ he admitted. ‘Mr Titchener said he was beyond
redemption and accused me of acting out of guilt because my wife is evicting
him from his cottage. And unfortunately, when the congregation heard Rob might
be in church, they said they wouldn’t come. No good at all for Bishop Nick’s
new attendance targets. I may have to seek out new parishioners who would be
less controversial, like Pharisees and tax collectors.’
Panto wars: will Mother Goose be a turkey?
News that
Lynda Snell is to produce a Christmas pantomime, which was greeted with delight
by the community, (are you sure? Ed)
turned sour this week as Ambridge was rocked by creative splits and boycotts.
‘It’s like
Fete Gate all over again,’ said one shocked villager. ‘With Lynda called away
to look after her grandson, Alice Carter stomped about with a clipboard on
Apple Day, telling everyone the show was Cinderella,
and signing up the whole Grundy family in starring roles. But then Lynda came
back and said they were going to do Mother
Goose instead. And the Grundys have said they’ll have nothing to do with
it! It’s chaos already!’
Eddie
Grundy of Grange Farm confirmed his family would play no part in a production
of Mother Goose. ‘We was all looking
forward to Cinderella, with a sitting-down
part for Dad, and Clarrie being fairy godmother and that,’ he said. ‘But now it’ll
just be one big advert for the Fairbrothers and their geese. It’s a slap in the
face for our turkeys!’
Contacted
for comment, Mrs Snell said the row was due to a misunderstanding.
‘I was
confident that leaving Kate in charge while I was away would ensure that
absolutely nothing happened,’ she said. ‘How was I to know she would get Alice involved?
She’s a lovely girl, and she made a strong case for Ed Grundy as Prince
Charming. But she went slightly beyond her creative remit on this occasion.’
Mrs Snell
said the Grundy family had ‘nothing to fear, business-wise’ from the production
and hoped they would change their minds. ‘Although Emma had already been in
touch to say Ed would not be available under any circumstances – not sure why,’
she said.
Young gun keen to add value in Ambridge
Entrepreneur
Toby Fairbrother says he is looking for ‘new opportunities to make pots and
pots of money’ after leaving the poultry business he set up with his brother at
Hollowtree, Ambridge.
‘Anyone can
run a boring old farm or look after geese all day,’ he said. ‘People get
annoyed at you for the littlest things, like forgetting to feed them. I’m
looking for high-end products you can add value to. For instance, did you know
the Grundys make artisan cider? And sloe gin? And they don’t even sell it
because of some stupid hygiene and licensing rules. So what if it gives you gut
rot? My rugby pals would pay a premium for that! And my girlfriend’s
grandmother makes the most brilliant flapjacks. I could make a fortune with
them. Slight logistical problem at the mo – she sets the dog on me when I go
near the farmhouse – but I’m sure she’ll come round soon. I’m catnip to Archer
women, if you know what I mean.’
Mr
Fairbrother dismissed rumours that his new solo venture follows a row with his
brother Rex. ‘Let’s just say that some people are sore losers in love. Anyone
who tells you that Rex fired me by text and then punched me in the eye needs to
get their facts straight,’ he said.
Ask Aunty Satya
She’s back!
With her warm-hearted wisdom and forensic legal skills, Aunty Satya can sort
out all your emotional and practical dilemmas.
Dear Aunty
Satya,
My husband
and I are trying to rebuild trust after he had a couple of affairs. We are
giving our marriage another go but it is much harder than I thought. He seems
to prefer spending all day out on his tractor rather than come home and talk to
me. What can I do? Ian
Dear Ian,
I wish I
could say that when your husband is out on his tractor you don’t need to worry
about him being unfaithful, but you know from past experience that is not true.
How about popping out to the field to surprise him with a flask and some
sandwiches? This seems to sustain many farming marriages.
Dear Aunty
Satya,
I have
found out that my soon-to-be ex-husband wants to change our son’s name from
Jack to Gideon. My father says that on contact visits, my husband sings ‘My son
Gideon’ (to the tune of ‘My boy lollipop’) to the baby over and over again. My
lawyer says he has little chance of success but he is so devious, I can’t help
but worry. What do you think? Helen.
Dear Helen,
Please do
not worry. Your husband clearly has an over-romanticised view of fatherhood.
Before his next visit, feed your baby so that he produces an astonishingly
smelly nappy within the first half hour (a tiny touch of garam masala in his
formula might help). Changing his baby’s name will soon be the last thing on
his mind.
Recipe of the week
Thanks to
Susan Carter of Ambridge View for sending us this unusual starter.
Super-fruity
face pack
Serves two,
to share
A pair of
creamy, ripe avocados
A good-sized,
firm cucumber
Egg white,
lightly whipped until slippery
Slightly
warmed olive oil (definitely not extra-virgin)
• Put a pan
of chilli on to get hot, hot, hot!
• Take all
the starter ingredients and blitz them until nice and velvety.
• Using
your fingers (make sure hubby washes his first) smooth the mixture all over
each other’s faces – or anywhere that needs moisturising.
• Dim the
lights, put on some Michael Bublé, relax and let nature take its course.
Susan
writes: ‘Let’s just say this is the recipe for a VERY special evening – unless
you’re interrupted by Shula coming round to chat about the bell-ringers’ supper
of course.’
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
Yeehaw! Yep,
it’s nearly Thanksgiving time folks, and how better to celebrate this fine
Borsetshire tradition (are you sure? Ed)
than with a Grundy turkey – famous on both sides of the pond (on the village
green that is).
Your specially
raised Yankee Doodle Turkey will be delivered to your door wearing a ten-gallon
hat and ready for roasting in the good ol’ Southern style with a can of beer
stuck up its (That’ll do. We know where
it goes. Ed.) Only £60, with a free Stars & Stripes painted elf for the
kiddies!
I think I need a lie down after reading the super-fruity face pack recipe. And not in a good way.
ReplyDeleteWonderful, as usual! However, I've been receiving the AO by email for months, but for the past three weeks no emails have arrived - I've had to access the AO via Google. Has anyone else had this problem, or can anyone suggest how to get the emails restarted?
ReplyDeleteyes, my emails haven't come either.... HELP! withdrawal symptoms till it appears on Facebook
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