Sunday, 9 October 2016

Rob rebuffed (again), an awkward birthday and Kate’s beauty tips: a sweet ‘n’ sour week in Ambridge

Sour note mars sweet victory against Darrington

Ambridge won the last match of the season on Sunday – a rescheduled meeting with old adversaries Darrington – despite an embarrassing public row with Rob Titchener, the team’s leading player earlier in the summer.
‘Rob turned up ready to play, but it was pretty obvious no one on the team was expecting him,’ said one witness. ‘Captain Harrison Burns told him in no uncertain terms he wasn’t wanted but he hung around, saying Ambridge was lucky to have him.
‘In the end, we heard slow hand-clapping coming from the pavilion and Rob stormed out – don’t know what happened after that as we legged it.’
Contacted for a comment, Mr Titchener said it was a misunderstanding. ‘It was handbags at dawn – and Adam Macy should know all about handbags,’ he said. ‘I only joined that shabby team out of charity anyway. Let’s see how that pathetic collection of schoolboys and geriatrics gets on without me.’
Harrison Burns said he was ‘delighted’ with the victory, which concluded a lacklustre season for the Ambridge First XI. ‘I stopped the team sledging, so we’d win fair and square,’ he said. ‘And young Johnny Phillips said he could never see the point of it when there wasn’t any snow.’ (Surely some mistake? Ed)

Arable farmers demand refund after ‘pathetic’ presentation

Members of Borsetshire’s Arable Forum are up in arms after paying to attend a seminar they said was a ‘waste of time and money’.
Local start-up Fly-by-Night Drone Technology is under fire after promising the group ‘crucial insights and a head-start in innovative technology to save costs and improve efficiency.’
‘It was £20 each for a talk, a go with a drone and a hot fork supper,’ said one disappointed delegate. ‘Sounded like a good night out. But as soon as their saleswoman fired up her PowerPoint people started to leave. We were there to see spreadsheets and cost-benefit analysis, not gifs of the Kardashians and kittens playing the piano. It was an insult.’
A spokesperson for the firm apologised for the incident. ‘Alice Carter, our executive vice-president (Borsetshire), is new in her role and very eager to please,’ he said. ‘Her father, Brian Aldridge, who is a prominent local farmer, has a soft spot for videos of romping puppies and she thought something similar might ‘warm up’ the audience. This was clearly a misreading of the situation. Mrs Carter is undergoing further training and we are confident this will not happen again.’

Local prof joins Nuffield panel

Ambridge resident Jim Lloyd has been invited to join the panel of judges for the prestigious Nuffield farming scholarship scheme, after he was overheard interviewing candidate Tom Archer in The Bull last week.
‘It was a bit of fun really,’ said modest ‘Prof’ Lloyd. ‘Johnny Phillips arranged for us to give Tom a mock interview, to prepare him. I’d had some experience examining PhD students, but I was surprised to find my name had somehow been forwarded to the Nuffield team.”
Mr Lloyd said that he would be bringing a unique classical and historical perspective to interviewing candidates.
‘They said they were particularly impressed with my ‘killer question’, he said. ‘It was: Quantus erat in foro Romae organicum cibum infantem?’

From the messageboards

This week, we drop in on the AmMums forum to see what’s got the local online community talking…

• Hi mums, it’s Helen checking back in – so good to be allowed to wander freely about the internet again! I just wanted us to spare a thought for young mums like my friend Kaz in the Mother and Baby Unit. Do you know, their children hardly ever get to eat fresh organic produce? When I went to visit Kaz last week I dropped a veg box off with her mum first and whipped up a quick veggie frittata for Courtney and Paige. They loved it, and Kaz’s mum said the next time she had £25 to spare she would definitely order one. Isn’t that nice?
• That’s great news Helen, and well done you for getting kids to eat veg – I never managed it with my lot, unless you count baked beans and oven chips! Geordielass.
 • Hello mums, I had to share as I feel so awful about my birthday. The family had arranged a special tea for me but I ruined it because my granddaughter invited her boyfriend, a ghastly unreliable chap whose family have always meant trouble for the Archers. Anyway, I put my foot down and now everyone thinks my outburst was a sign of dementia. Was I really so wrong? GrannyJill
• Well to be honest Jill, it was a bit awkward, after we’d gone to all the trouble with the cake and sandwiches and that. Say what you like about Toby Fairbrother, but he’s always handy with the leftovers. And you never had a problem with that nice Matthew. GeordieLass
Matthew never humiliated me over chutney at the Flower & Produce Show. And he wasn’t related to my husband’s saintly first wife. But frankly Ruth I think it’s Pip you should be giving a good telling-off, not me. GrannyJill
Now now you two, you’re so lucky to be able to have family parties! My son Robert can only see his son Gideon once a week, and this week his so-called mother wouldn’t let him rearrange his visit, even though Rob was going into hospital to repair the injury she caused!
Bold as brass, she was! Can you believe it? GrandmaUrsula
Helen’s son is called Jack, and it’s about time she put you in your place, you old witch. We’ve told you before, you’re banned from this board, just like my Ed and David Archer banned Rob from the pub! MummyEmma
• Oh yes, Emma – that common girl Rob got to babysit. I’d expect nothing better from you.
But perhaps there are other mothers on here who have some sympathy with me. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to settle Robert’s bowels after the operation to reverse his colostomy. GrandmaUrsula
• It’s gonna take you a long, long time, because your Robert is full of s… (this thread has been closed. MummyModerator).

5 top beauty tips for Autumn 

Kate Madikane of Spiritual Home, who is famous for her tact and sensitivity with clients, shares her secrets:

• For gentlemen, there’s nothing like an eyebrow-threading and deep moisturising treatment. As I said to Neil Carter only this week: ‘You’re chairman of the Parish Council, you can’t go round looking like a badger’s backside.’
• My therapists can make you feel like a new woman, even if you’re really old, like over 50. That’s what I told Susan Carter, though she didn’t seem too keen for some reason.
• Juice cleanses are great, but need supervised care. You can’t just tip the veg cabinet of your fridge in a blender and expect it to work miracles. You need to pay me at least £50 to do that for you.
• Unblocking your chi gives you a wonderful energy boost. I offered to do it for my ex Roy this week, but he said he’d got used to doing it on his own. Sad, really.
• Plastic surgeons are dreadful. I say to my ladies, instead of spending all that money going to London for a toxic operation, why not spend it all at Spiritual Home instead? You’ll be broke, but at least you’ll still be able to smile afterwards!   


  1. Crucial question for Alice.. How did her firm get farmers to pay £20 to attend a seminar in the first place? Normal seminar attendees expect you to pay them

  2. Must have been the hot fork supper. Our reporter got a free press pass of course...

  3. I must say I really relished the tasteful references to Rob's bowels in this issue. That's something I have always wanted to get my teeth into.

  4. Dear Editor, I must say that i really appreciate your weekly insights, especially the behind-the-scenes glimpses that encourage me to look forward to the week ahead. Keep up the good work! (And please ask the Parish Council when that troublesome culvert overflow is being drained. Anyone would think there's a body hidden somewhere. Ha ha . . er?

  5. I seriously appreciate individuals like you! Take care!
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