Tony’s a star at-tract-ion! (Rubbish headline. Ed)
Tony Archer of Bridge Farm, Ambridge, is set to achieve a
lifetime’s ambition next month by starring in his favourite magazine.
‘When I bought my latest classic tractor – a cute little
Fordson Major, the first model I ever drove – I emailed Tractor Talk and sent some pictures,’ said Mr Archer. ‘I was amazed
when they rang and said they wanted us to be their cover story. My baby grandson
Jack was asleep on my lap at the time, and I nearly dropped him!’
The editor of Tractor
Talk, Axel Diff-Locke, said the magazine was ‘very excited’ by Mr Archer’s
story. ‘Tony’s son lost his life on a vintage tractor, and the family’s facing
£30,000 of legal bills, but he can’t wait to get his new Fordson into the
workshop,’ he said. ‘Tony’s a man who’s got his priorities right. We’re proud
to have him on the cover.’
Grundy wants his wisdom to go viral
Local farm worker Ed Grundy is set to take the world of
motivational speaking by storm as he records the first of his inspirational
sales talks on video this week.
‘It’s all the idea of my mate Alice Carter,’ said a bemused
but delighted Mr Grundy of Grange Farm. ‘She said the business advice I gave her was so cool I should do a TED Talk. I said didn’t she mean ED Talk, and she
said that was even more brilliant and bought me another pint.
‘Anyway, we’re going to meet up next week and go through my
lines. It’s simple stuff I’ve picked up
in my contracting work, like “People have a relationship with people, not with
technology” and “Don’t take leaflets round Borchester Market, you’ll only drop
them in the slurry".'
Mr Grundy said the first of his ED Talks would be shown on
EweTube (are you sure? Ed. No, not that
Ed. Editor) and the whole family was looking forward to it. ‘My wife Emma
is fine with Alice taking so much interest in me,’ he said. ‘Yeah, totally
fine. Fine.’
Ambridge Christmas show: have your say!
Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell and her assistant director
Kate Madikane are inviting Ambridge
Observer readers to vote on which show they should stage this Christmas.
‘Inevitably, with a new partnership, there is a certain amount of creative
tension, which in this case has led to a temporary impasse,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘We have decided on a traditional
pantomime with a modern twist, but which one?’
Mrs Snell and Ms Madikane have come up with a shortlist of five (below). Cast your vote to have the final say!
• Mother Goose. This
hilarious tale features knockabout comedy from two foolish brothers, and a
grumpy grandmother in the title role, who refuses to let her granddaughter have
any of her golden flapjacks because she has fallen in love with one of the
brothers.
• Aladdin. A young
man meets a kind genie who grants two of his wishes – for smart clothes and
magic photographs that make him look handsome. But she cannot grant his last
wish – for true love – because she is not a miracle-worker.
• Sleeping Beauty.
A lovely young princess sets up a holistic spa but pricks her finger on a yurt
pole and falls asleep for 100 years, much to the annoyance of her father Baron
Hard-Up, as sadly no prince arrives to wake her.
• Babes in the Wood. Two
little boys, Henry and Jack, are in danger from the Demon King after they
escape from his castle. But they are kept safe by their comedy uncles Tom and
Johnny and their mother’s magic cheese.
• Hansel and Gretel.
As their mother is too busy to look after them, Hansel leads Gretel into the
wood, where their grandmother has made a cottage out of flapjacks. The twins go
inside and eat so much they cannot get out and have to be rescued by Iftikar
the Maths Magician.
Local vet faces hunting backlash
Our interview last week with vet Alistair Lloyd has unleashed
a storm of protest from the anti-hunting lobby.
In the article, Mr Lloyd revealed he is selling his veterinary practice partly to fund his wife’s ambition to become joint master
of the South Borsetshire Hunt.
But animal welfare campaigners have accused him of ‘rank
hypocrisy’, and members of Borsetshire against Hunting (BAH) gathered outside
his surgery at The Stables, Ambridge, this week to protest.
‘How can someone whose career is about saving animals help finance
a sport that’s all about killing them?’ said a spokesperson. ‘The law makes no
difference; we all know foxes still get killed. Lloyd should be ashamed of
himself.’
BAH are urging pet owners to boycott Mr Lloyd’s new employer,
Lovell James of Felpersham, in a bid to stop the sale going ahead.
Mr Lloyd was unavailable for comment but his wife, livery
stables owner Shula Hebden Lloyd, said the protest was ‘embarrassing and
unnecessary’.
‘Our current Master, Oliver, warned me there was a downside to the position but I
never expected anything like this,’ she said. ‘No wonder he’s off to Tuscany.
Now, would you get out of the way please; my mother is trying to get through
with a game pie and a batch of flapjacks.’
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
I really must complain about falling standards in Ambridge’s
retail outlets. This week I have experienced appalling service in The Bull,
where it seemed no one wanted to take my order for a pint and a roast dinner,
even though I attempted to be public-spirited by stepping into an ugly row
between the Fairbrother clowns. I was pointedly ignored in the village shop,
and in the Abridge Tea Room, where I am forced to spend three hours at a time
with Myson Gideon, my tea usually arrives cold, or not at all.
As you may know I am recovering from surgery and my mother
has gone home to Hampshire. It seems Ambridge is showing its true, nasty
colours at last, just like the Archer family and their…
SHUT UP ROB! Ed.
FOR SALE AND WANTED
• Mauve dress; maternity tops; “Your Guide to a Home Birth”,
“50 ways with Toad in the Hole”; Little Miss Giggly mug; wedding ring; ball and
chain. Free to anyone who will take them away. Contact Helen Archer, Bridge
Farm.
• Vintage mangle. Family heirloom. Would benefit from
upcycling. Reluctant sale to pay vets’ fees for our Granddad’s dear old pony.
£200. Contact Eddie Grundy, Grange Farm.
• Portrait photographer wanted. Must understand mature women’s
skin tone, flattering lighting and tasteful poses that do not need stars to be
stuck on afterwards. Contact Susan Carter, Ambridge View.
LOVE IT !
ReplyDeleteThanks Neil!
DeleteAd currently on eBay:
ReplyDelete"Fordson major late 50's.
This tractor runs fruitlessly. Used for last 15 months whilst we carried out a renovation.
Starts first time everything."
Tony may have bitten off more than he can chew...
U
Yes. Hope he sells it on through the Ambridge Observer - very reasonable classified rates....
DeleteI thought there was to be free cider?
ReplyDeleteAh well Johann, there are terms and conditions attached, which are... there isn't any free cider. A classic Grundy offer!
DeleteI've laughed my head off from start to finish. Absolutely hilarious!!
ReplyDeleteWell that's good to hear. Thank you sir!
ReplyDelete