Flower & Produce Show hailed as ‘best ever’
A sunny day
and a record number of entries helped ensure that Ambridge’s annual Flower
& Produce Show last Sunday was declared a resounding success.
The
inaugural Freda Fry Memorial Trophy for Best in Show was won by Mrs Carol
Tregorran of Glebe Cottage for her apple chutney, after an embarrassing mix-up
with Mrs Jill Archer of Brookfield (see letter, below).
Jennifer
Aldridge of Home Farm won the hotly-contested jam category with her
blackcurrant preserve, and Jill Archer carried off first prize for her honey
and her famous lemon drizzle cake. Christine Barford said she was ‘disappointed’
that the judges mistook her scones for doorstops and used them to anchor the marquee.
Henry
Archer, aged five, was a very proud winner of the prize for ‘Best hat made by a
child’. ‘I want my Daddy to see it, but Mummy says I can’t,’ he says. ‘It’s not
fair. My baby brother Jack gets to see Daddy and Granddad said Daddy changed Jack’s
nappy in the tea room. If I start pooing in my pants will that make Daddy come
and change me too?’
Henry’s
mother Helen said she was ‘delighted’ to have a day out in the village and to put
the ordeal of her court case behind her. ‘Managing the arrangements for my
husband’s contact with our son Jack is not ideal, but we are determined to
abide by the family court’s ruling,’ she said. ‘And it’s so wonderful to be
reunited with Henry, although he does have a few adjustment issues. What’s that
terrible smell? Henry? Henry!’
Police defend failure to attend pub fracas
Borsetshire’s
Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has hit back at claims that he ignored an
ugly brawl that broke out in The Bull in Ambridge last Friday evening.
Witnesses
said it started with a row between Rob Titchener of Blossom Hill Cottage
and Emma Grundy of Grange Farm outside the ladies’ toilets. ‘You should have
heard Emma have a go at Rob,’ said one. ‘She’d obviously had a Malibu and Coke
or two, and it certainly loosened her tongue. She said the whole village knew
what kind of man he was, and he was a sad, pathetic bully who couldn’t take it
when a woman stood up to him. She told him it would be good for Ambridge if he
cleared off and never came back.’
Diners and
drinkers in the Bull were then shocked to see Jazzer McCreary, Ed Grundy and
David Archer step in, restrain Mr Titchener and escort him roughly from the
premises. ‘Rob was very drunk; he’d been swilling Scotch and was in a filthy
mood,’ said pub regular Barry Simmons. ‘He didn’t even smile when I exploded an
empty packet of salt ‘n’ vinegar in his ear, so I guessed he was spoiling for a
fight. And the way Jazzer was squaring up to him, it could have got really
nasty.’
At a press
briefing, PC Burns said he’d been aware of the incident from his home across
the village green. ‘I considered calling for back-up from Borchester, but there
are times when ‘kid gloves policing’ is the best approach,’ he said. ‘The way
people round here feel about Rob Titchener, I would not have been a popular
policeman if I’d started arresting people. And anyway I couldn’t get near the
bar as there was a crowd queuing up to shake Jazzer’s hand and buy drinks for
Emma.
‘So I
decided on a tactical withdrawal and went back to Fallon and Game of Thrones.’
Coffee break with: Alice Carter
Q Are there any challenges in your new role?
A Oh yes, absolutely heaps! Like, finding a decent skinny almond latte in
Borchester. My boss Miles is a BEAR without one! And another is relating to what we call ‘end-users’ – little men who actually get their hands dirty with soil and all that
sort of thing. Do you know, Miles has a double first from Cambridge but he didn’t
know a hedge goes round a field as well as being a fund? Hilarious!
Q Have you been able to manage these
challenges?
A Oh yeah, course. Brews ‘n’ Beards in Borchester High Street – best coffee
EVER! (Hi guys! Freebie next time, OK?) And I had this brilliant idea about
putting the team in touch with our customers. I asked them all to my birthday
party and got my bestest ever friend Ed Grundy to come along. He’s like, really
poor, but he knows how to drive a tractor and fix a sprayer – so cool! Anyway, they
were getting on fine until Ed said: ‘Ewes are all a pain in the arse’, and
Imogen thought he’d said ‘you’! It took a LOT of tequila to sort that one out,
let me tell you! And then Ed made it worse by saying he’d actually meant ‘you’
and was sick of being paraded as the token peasant! SO ungrateful. He won’t be
getting any discount on our latest model, that’s for sure. Are we done now?
Miles needs another latte…
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
I would
like to take this opportunity to assure all your readers that I did NOT cheat
at the Flower & Produce Show in order to win the inaugural Freda Fry
Memorial Trophy. The fact that a photograph of myself, grinning like a Cheshire
cat and holding the cup aloft, appeared in the Borchester Echo was all a terrible mix-up. As the caption shows,
the actual winner was my dear friend Carol Tregorran for her delicious apple chutney.
It was such a shame the type was so small.
This is
what happens when you ask an irresponsible and unreliable boy like Toby
Fairbrother to help you on the day of the show. He mixed up my jars of spiced
plum chutney with Carol’s on the judging table. My granddaughter Pip says it
was an easy mistake to make as one jar of chunky brown goo looks very much like
another. But that Toby has completely turned her head, the silly goose.
As well as
writing to you, I have done everything I can to make sure everyone knows the
truth, including telling Susan Carter at the village shop.
I’m pleased
to say though that my dear friend Carol Tregorran has seen the funny side. She
has even given me some of the ‘very special tea’ that was her late husband John’s
favourite, to show there are no hard feelings. Isn’t that nice?
Yours
sincerely
Jill Archer,
Brookfield.
CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENTS
ITEMS FOR
SALE
2016
Ambridge Calendars. Special edition featuring Susan Carter (Miss October)
without the all-concealing silver stars. Super-popular with boys in my form at
school! Slightly stained. Only a few copies left. £25 each. Supplied in a plain
cover. Apply: Ruairi Donovan, Home Farm.
ITEMS
WANTED
Baby-changing
kit and fully trained female person able to cope with all the dirty, smelly aspects
of looking after MySon that he must get from his filthy lying cow of a mother
because MySon is perfect and fragrant in every way. Apply: Rob Titchener,
Blossom Hill Cottage (for now).
Funny as always!
ReplyDeleteThank you Connie!
DeleteFunny as always!
ReplyDeleteThis is the only newspaper that I subscribe to.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear that Kipper; you certainly wouldn't want to be subscribing to the Borchester Echo with its cavalier approach to captioning pictures...
DeleteAccommodation wanted advert due? Newly appointed estate manager seeks local house to rent?
ReplyDeleteDoes he work in Kate's yurts?
ReplyDeleteHe's very prolific, but has been banned - like Rob from The Bull...
ReplyDelete