Brian's secret plan, a radio renaissance and Jazzer in the spotlight

Aldridge readies secret ‘theme park’ launch

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, is hatching plans to revitalise the ailing business by turning it into a theme park, the Ambridge Observer can reveal.

Confidential papers left behind in the window seat of The Bull reveal that Mr Aldridge aims to create a ‘dystopian vision’ at Home Farm that he claims is ‘in tune with the zeitgeist surrounding modern farming’.

‘Visitors will have the chance to help clear toxic chemicals from Low Mead – saving money for the business as well as providing a fun experience,’ the proposal says. ‘They will also be able to tour the deserted yurts of Spiritual Home, with Joe Grundy on hand to tell ghost stories. Eddie Grundy will be invited to recreate ElfWorld in the Millennium Wood, which everyone remembers as truly terrifying. Catering will be provided by Susan Carter offering several flavours of kefir. And the master of ceremonies will be Ruairi, a mysterious and malevolent figure who never speaks, but just takes the visitors’ cash.’

Contacted by our reporter for comment, Mr Aldridge admitted the plans were ‘brave'. ‘I may have retired, but I am not going down without a fight,’ he said. ‘Home Farm needs to make money, and with Kate and Adam in charge, who can blame me for trying something radical?’

Ambridge inspires a radio renaissance

BBC Radio 4 is set to relaunch its entire output following an ‘epiphany’ experienced by senior broadcaster Sheila Dillon while she was recording an item for The Food Programme at Bridge Farm.

‘I was visiting Helen Archer to taste her Borsetshire Blue cheese for the Food & Farming Awards,’ said Ms Dillon. ‘But we were accosted in the dairy by a woman called Olwen, who told me that instead of talking about posh, expensive cheese, I should be covering the shocking inequalities in food production worldwide and the evils of the agro-industrial complex.’

Ms Dillon said she was ‘gobsmacked’ by the intervention. ‘This had never occurred to me, or anyone at the BBC before,’ she said. ‘Olwen and everyone else I met in Ambridge opened my eyes. I was scribbling notes for a new autumn schedule all the way home on the train.’ 

The BBC Press Office has since confirmed that Radio 4 will be launching a number of new series inspired by Ms Dillon’s visit to Ambridge: 

In Our Time:

Recorded on location in the cider shed, Joe Grundy and Bert Fry chunter about the old days and bicker about the best way to grow giant runner beans.

The Rear View:

Lynda Snell presents a guide to the best breeds of dog, based on how they look from behind. ‘I have high hopes of Thimble the Shih Tzu, but Scruff’s cheerful waggy tail and fluffy back legs will be  a hard act to follow,’ says Mrs Snell.

Outside Science:

A 200-part series. Holistic healer Kate Madikane explains why everything you know about conventional science and medicine is wrong.

From Our Own Cow-respondent:

Fascinating insights into everyday life on a dairy farm with Pip Archer of Brookfield (until she goes on maternity leave, which must be quite soon now).

Cross Incontinents:

Jill Archer and Peggy Woolley talk frankly about how they cope with the indignities of growing older and how easily irritated they are these days by their ungrateful children.

The Home Farm Front:

Daily reports from the battlefield as Brian and Jennifer Aldridge wage a war of attrition, both parties armed to the teeth with grudges and willing to fight to the last venison casserole for the moral high ground.

The Archers:

A soap opera based on the lives of the people of Ambridge, a small farming community in Borsetshire. (No chance. Can’t imagine anyone wanting to listen to that. Ed.)

Coffee break with… Jazzer McCreary

In our series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with stockman Jazzer McCreary, who looks after the pig herd at Bridge Farm.

Q  Jazzer, we hear you have a ‘portfolio career’. How does that work?

A Aye, I’m a pigman, milkman, and ladies’ man if ye get ma drift! But ma girls are ma first love. They’re smarter and funnier than some o the lassies I’ve been out wi. And they smell better, some of em!

Q There’s a big new pig unit opening at Berrow Farm soon. What’s your opinion of intensive pig farming?

A Well, it’s nae fun outside in the middle of February when the drinkers have frozen solid and ye’ve got to clear them by yersel ‘cos that Tom Archer is nae use to man nor pig. But I prefer the fresh air and I reckon ma girls do too.

Q So you’re not interested in the jobs they’re advertising?

A I didnae say that! I went along for an interview and I reckon I did fine – they asked me if I could work in a team and I said ‘Sure, I can work wi one pig or lots o pigs, disnae bother me!’ But I didnae really want the job.

Q You’re staying put at Bridge Farm then?

A Aye –  but dinna tell Tom Archer just yet, will ye? He’s offered me £2 an hour  more to stay – and I might get a bit more oot of him before he cottons on I wouldn’t leave ma girls. Like I said, useless. Fancy a pint? All this talking gies a man a terrible thirst, if ye know what ah mean…

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: Sunday in the Park with George (Parental Guidance).

A dark musical featuring three generations of a family who navigate a social and emotional minefield while having a Sunday picnic at Lower Loxley. Contains very few harmonies, many discordant notes and plenty of awkward pauses as no one can strike the right tone with George’s recently bereaved father, Will. Stand-out performances from Clarrie Grundy as Will’s long-suffering mother, and the completely tone-deaf Shula and Alistair Hebden-Lloyd.

Olwen makes her mark, Jenny is beside herself and Spring has sprung

Cricket ‘break-in’: mum’s the word

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) was called to an incident on Ambridge village green on Wednesday evening as suspicious activity was observed in the women’s cricket pavilion (should that read ‘Portakabin’? Ed.)

‘Passers-by said they saw lights on in the changing room, which is unexpected as the season hasn’t started yet,’ said PC Burns. ‘I thought it might have been Tracey Horrobin, hiding her bottles of Lambrini in the equipment store before the warm-up game.

‘But it was actually Jennifer Aldridge, on step-ladders with a pair of binoculars.

She said she was trying to peer into Honeysuckle Cottage, to see if Lexi was eating every last bite of the casserole Jennifer had sent to feed her up for her visit to the fertility clinic.’

‘I apologise if I was trespassing,’ said Mrs Aldridge. ‘But really, some things are too important to be left to chance. Lexi must be well-nourished and rested to have the best chance of hosting the embryo that contains my darling Adam’s exceptionally robust sperm.’

PC Burns said no further action would be taken.

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your practical and emotional dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

My boyfriend was worried about leaving me with nothing if he died, and I thought he was going to ask me to marry him so I made a big fuss about how I didn’t believe in marriage. But it turns out he was only making a will in my favour Now he’s really upset. What can I do? Fallon R.

Dear Fallon,

My dear, I don’t really know why you have written to me. You do not want to marry this young man, and now it seems you will certainly get your wish. Is there some other more serious problem I can help you with?

Dear Auntie Satya,

I voted against my husband in a family business dispute and he is taking it out on me by behaving very strangely – sleeping in the spare room, taking his son on long walks round the farm, and making his own tea. Do you think I should be suspicious of his motives? Jennifer A.

Dear Jennifer,

I believe your husband has recently retired, so many women in your situation would be pleased to see their spouses being active and not sitting around in their pyjamas watching Bargain Hunt. Making his own tea though is a very worrying sign. A preliminary visit to your solicitor would not go amiss.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My wife has recently left me after 20 years of marriage. I feel it is far too soon to date, but my friend says he can ‘set me up’ with ladies from his milk round. He says I’m a catch: in fairly good nick, with money, a nice car and I heal sick fluffy kittens for a living. Do you think I should take him up on it? Alistair L.

Dear Alistair,

No, no, these milk-round ladies do not sound suitable at all. When the time is right, you will clearly be looking for someone mature and discerning. I don’t suppose you would care to call round for tiffin one afternoon next week?   

My Week, by Olwen

Pat Archer of Bridge Farm suggested that we interview her old friend Olwen, who she met while volunteering at The Elms centre for the homeless. Mrs Archer says anyone could experience what happened to Olwen, a perfectly nice woman who is now too poor even to afford a surname.

Sunday

Sunday is like any other day – a chance to stick it to The Man by sitting on a park bench shouting at pigeons. I’ve got a cold – must have caught it at that demo against cuts to dental treatment for ex-service personnel. Later on I’ll rifle through some bins for a leftover takeway. Or if I can’t find one, I’ll probably drive to Waitrose. You can park up overnight there and the croissants they chuck out aren’t bad – not Fairtrade though, mind you. Disgraceful sell-outs.

Monday

Dropped into The Elms for a spot of lunch. Pat Archer was cooking again – does that woman know what a pepper grinder is for? I told her, if I wasn’t a whistle-blowing WASPI woman with a vengeful ex-partner and a victim of council housing cuts, our situations would be reversed! Then I collapsed coughing, so she took me home.

Wednesday

Nearly left Pat’s house because her son Tom turns out to be a bloated kleptocrat. I tried to set fire to his nasty pile of get-rich-quick books but the smoke alarm went off. Pat offered to wash my clothes and run me a hot bath. I agreed, as an act of passive resistance.

Friday

My 100 per cent wool sweater has shrunk, thanks to Pat’s clumsy washing. She’s lost all her spark since chaining herself to that patriarchal dinosaur Tony, who does nothing but tinker with his tractor as far as I can see. I made a point of coughing on his precious cows. He asked me if I’d like to help feed them and I said: ‘Not without an equal pay guarantee, index-linked non-contributory pension and free healthcare, mister! I know my rights!’ He said ‘Oh, OK then, I’ll ask Tom’, and went back to his tractor. Spineless lackey of capitalism!

Poem of the Week

Many thanks to Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall for sending us this lovely ‘Tribute to Spring in Ambridge’, inspired by her recent reading of the 14th century narrative poem, Gawain And The Green Knight.

I wandrez with ye grete dogge Guinevere,

From wondruz mountayne Pyreneese

Who mony wysse to be a polar beare!

Mid cowþat foule and bell so blue on village greene.

Sumwhyle Robert wyth his birdez communez

Sumwhyle Harrison sette forth ye crickete nettez

Adam frettez and werrez wyth Ian behynde,

And Jim playz straunge tunez fro morne to nighte

Then wyth thanks syng we all wynter is past

No more colde cler water fro þe cloudez schadden,

And sumers dry₃e and du₃ty seazon waittes,

Can it bi longe befoure ye Ambridge Faitte?

A happy Easter (and April Fools’ Day) to all our readers!

Aldridge takes the rough with the smooth

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, is to retire from running the agricultural side of the business and will retrain as a massage therapist at Spiritual Home, the holistic spa run by his daughter Kate Madikane.

‘It’s never too late to make a new start, and the family agreed this was an exciting challenge for me – in fact they insisted,’ said Mr Aldridge. ‘I’m especially looking forward to wearing the smart tunic and trousers combo that Kate has designed for me, in a crisp white polyester with lilac trim.’

Ms Madikane said she was confident her father would attract new customers to Spiritual Home. ‘We’ve had a lot of cancellations since the toxic leak at Low Mead, so it’s time to appeal to a fresh market,’ she said. ‘I’m sure Dad’s new ‘Claret and Old Spice’ deep-tissue massage will be a winner with our more mature clientele.’

Silmarillion is the last straw for Snell

Ambridge residents say they were ‘shocked to the core’ this week by the news that one of the village’s most popular couples is splitting up.

Robert and Lynda Snell, of Ambridge Hall, announced that their marriage is over, citing  ‘irreconcilable differences over The Silmarillion.’

‘Sadly, our life together in Ambridge is at an end,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘How can I stay with someone who actually likes this ragbag of random plots, cardboard characters, pompous language and clunky exposition?’

However, friends of the couple discounted rumours that Mr Snell is becoming closer to Kate Madikane, owner of Spiritual Home. ‘Yes, it’s true that The Silmarillion is Kate’s favourite novel, and she and Robert were discussing it in the tea room,’ said one. ‘That’s as far as it goes – but who knows? Anything can happen in Ambridge these days.’

High-flying hopes at Hollowtree

A prototype of the pigoose, the 'one-stop Christmas dinner' ' 

Neil Carter of Ambridge View and Rex Fairbrother of Hollowtree have joined forces to set up what they describe as a 'game-changing’ livestock business in Ambridge.

Mr Carter, widely known as Borsetshire’s best pigman, and Mr Fairbrother, who specialises in poultry, plan to breed a new species of pig that will have feathers and fly.

‘Rex is experienced with geese and I’m the best pigman in Borsetshire, so it seems like the perfect fit,’ said Mr Carter. ‘Once we get the geese and pigs together at Hollowtree we reckon it won’t be long before they start breeding.

'We think the new ‘pigoose’ will do particularly well at Christmas, as it’s a one-stop festive dinner: roast breast, big juicy legs and ready-made bacon rolls. And it delivers itself to customers' homes on Christmas Eve!’

Mr Fairbrother added that he expects to be the ‘marketing brains’ of the new business. ‘Finding the right name is crucial,’ he said. ‘My brother Toby has suggested ‘Hollowtree Honkers’ but perhaps that needs some work.’

Hats off for the Ambridge Easter Parade!

Ambridge’s annual Easter Bonnet Parade will take place on the village green on Sunday at 3pm.  We ask some local leading ladies to let us in on the secrets of their Spring headgear:

  

• I’m thinking about a cap – something quite jaunty, with a come-hither feather. Is there any particular colour that Welsh builders like? Shula Hebden-not-Lloyd-for-much-longer.

Sweet! 

• ‘I’ll be raising awareness of my work at The Elms by hollowing out a huge round loaf (organic of course), filling it with leftover vegetable stew and tying it to my head with one of my old CND scarves. I plan to carry a large ladle and scoop out stew to anyone who I think looks homeless. As Alan says, Easter is no good if it isn’t  relevant.’ Pat Archer.

‘My bonnet is going to be a chocolate teapot because it reminds me of my boyfriend Harrison. Useless – geddit? We’re all about the bantz, me and PC Burns! He said he wants a chocolate helmet but he’ll be lucky.’ Fallon Rogers.

A lawyer writes…

Frank Lee-Dubious, from the Felpersham solicitors Farr, Fetched and Wrongun, answers readers’ questions:

Q My brother told me his wife ran someone over in her car but didn’t stop because her daughter was throwing up. My brother helped cover for his wife because he didn’t want her to go to prison and anyway no one liked the victim.  Now his wife is dead and the victim has run off to Costa Rica. My brother says he doesn’t feel guilty and would do the same again. What is his legal position? EG

A  In legal terms, what your brother told you is called ‘hearsay’. You could also describe it as ‘chilling’ and ‘quite probably psychopathic’. Unless your brother chooses to confess he may, in legal parlance, have ‘got away with it’. In the meantime, keep him away from strong drink and knives.

Q My wife has sided with two of my children in voting to oust me from my position as head of our family farm partnership. I would never have set up the partnership if I thought people would disagree with me. Do I have any legal redress against this shocking betrayal? BA.

A  I’m afraid this is what we lawyers refer to as ‘being stitched up’. As you set up the partnership you must abide by its rules. And it does sound – forgive the legal jargon again – as if you ‘had it coming’.

And finally …. news in brief

•  The Lent Appeal at St Stephen’s, which asked churchgoers to donate £1 every time they complained about something, is set to raise a record amount, according to the Revd Alan Franks. ‘Let’s just say I’ve hired security for the collection on Sunday, and I’m confident we can repair the chancel roof and have plenty left for a nice little cruise round the Balearics for myself and Usha,’ he said.

• A local woman was ejected from a cheese-making class in Ambridge this week for being ‘too noisy’. Sabrina Thwaite, of  Grange Spinney, was asked to leave after constantly interrupting tutor Helen Archer, and calling Bridge Farm kefir manager Susan Carter a ‘cheese monitor’. ‘You couldn’t shut her up,’ said Mrs Carter. ‘I think she was set off by finding out the class was having Pat Archer’s vegetable stew for lunch, instead of going to the tea room. Well, you can understand it really. I don’t bear a grudge.’

• This Sunday’s Easter Egg hunt at The Bull in Ambridge is to be sponsored by Adam Macy and Ian Craig. ‘It’s really important we find an egg for our surrogate Lexi, so we hope lots of people take part,’ said Mr Macy. ‘She’s threatening to get a job in the chicken factory so Ian and I hope she gets pregnant as soon as possible as we don't like the sound of that at all.'

Farewell to Nic, and hello to Brian's new vision...

Retail village set for livestock site

Artist's impression of how the new retail units will look 

Borchester Land has angered local farmers by deciding to build a number of fashion shops on the former site of Borchester livestock market, instead of an agricultural mega-store.

However, directors are said to be split on the issue. ‘Frankly, Brian Aldridge and Justin Elliott are betraying the local community by putting up yet more shops for the floral welly brigade,’ said one board member.

But chairman Brian Aldridge defended the decision. ‘Our vision for an upmarket countryside destination with adjacent high end retail outlets will cover the whole spectrum of modern, er… sorry, can’t read Justin’s writing – ah yes. Shopping,’ he said.

Ruth Archer, of Brookfield, said she was ‘gutted, like’ about the decision. ‘I was countin’ on somewhere I could buy a sack of dairy nuts, a cheap waxed jacket and a rose in a pot to give Jill on Mother’s Day, all under one roof, like,’ she said.  ‘It’s just another case of Brian puttin’ profits before people, as usual.’

 Festive show promises a daring classic

Ambridge impresario Lynda Snell has given critics a sneak preview of the 2018  Christmas show – a daring adaptation of two much-loved classics. ‘My dear husband Robert gave me the idea,’ she said. ‘I had just finished reading Laurie Lee’s wonderful Cider with Rosie, and Robert persuaded me to start one of his favourites, The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien.

‘To be honest, I was struggling until Robert gave me a stiff gin, and suddenly it came to me. Silmarillion with Cider!’

Mrs Snell said she had a ‘compelling vision’ of recreating Middle Earth in Ambridge, with Jim Lloyd as Eru Iluvatar (God) presiding over a kingdom of elves. ‘And in homage to Laurie Lee, the doomed lovers Beren and Luthien will plight their troth over a pint of Tumble Tussock.’

But Borchester Echo critic Tristram Hawkshaw was sceptical. ‘I hope Mrs Snell gives out free cider to the audience before each show,’ he said.’ It’s the only way anyone could sit through it.’

From the messageboards

We drop in on the AmMums forum, to see what’s got the online community talking this week:

•  Guess what ladies, exciting news! Lexi’s menstrual cycle is downregulating nicely! She went for tests this week. So it will soon be the green light for Adam’s exceptionally agile sperm. Isn’t that marvellous? Jenny.

•  I don’t know how you can show your face on here, Jennifer, after what Alice said to Will at the funeral. She’s a selfish girl who doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. Clarrie.

• Oh Clarrie, I know. I’m so sorry. I’ve already apologised to Will about Alice spoiling his day. But then, his day was pretty bad already, wasn’t it? It’s not as though it was ever going to be enjoyable… Jenny.

• Shut up Jennifer. Everyone.

• Hello mums, only me! Just wanted to share my great new tip for vegetable stew. It tastes super if you add fruit, nuts and spices to it. Do you know, one of my clients at The Elms suggested it? Who would have thought a homeless person would have an opinion? Pat.

• Clarrie – I see you’re online. I would have apologised in person, but you slammed the door on me… I’m so sorry about the funeral – I’m just having a huge gin to help me forget it. Please forgive me, so we can all move on, because I’m having such a terrible time at work. I mean, just the other day… Alice.

• Shut UP, Alice! Everyone.

 Poem of the Week

Many thanks to Borsetshire Laureate Bert Fry, who has sent us this moving tribute to Nic Grundy, whose funeral was held at St Stephen’s church, Ambridge, on Tuesday.

And so we laid young Nic to rest,

Everyone dressed in their best,

They played a song by Shania Twain,

And a poem about sunshine on grain.

Poor Will, he kept his head held high

As to his only love he said goodbye.

Supported by Nic’s mum, Beverley,

And brother Rod, who came down from Dundee.

It’s a tragic thing to see a grown man

Holding on to his mother’s hand.

But Clarrie and Eddie, they saw Will through,

And looked after those poor children too.

Poppy, too young to understand,

Held a posy in her hand,

And George in his uniform looked so smart,

Emma said it would break her heart.

But life goes on, or so they say,

And Pip Archer’s baby is on the way!

This week she felt the little one kick her,

And then she jumped as if I’d bit her!

I said to Ruth, I’m not being funny

I’d never try to touch her tummy!

She said: Bert, I don’t think you’re seen

As Ambridge’s answer to Harvey Weinstein.’

So farewell Nic, we’ll think about you

And Ambridge won’t be the same without you.

We’ll look after your kiddies, as best we can,

And tell them about their lovely mam.