Olwen makes her mark, Jenny is beside herself and Spring has sprung

Cricket ‘break-in’: mum’s the word

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) was called to an incident on Ambridge village green on Wednesday evening as suspicious activity was observed in the women’s cricket pavilion (should that read ‘Portakabin’? Ed.)

‘Passers-by said they saw lights on in the changing room, which is unexpected as the season hasn’t started yet,’ said PC Burns. ‘I thought it might have been Tracey Horrobin, hiding her bottles of Lambrini in the equipment store before the warm-up game.

‘But it was actually Jennifer Aldridge, on step-ladders with a pair of binoculars.

She said she was trying to peer into Honeysuckle Cottage, to see if Lexi was eating every last bite of the casserole Jennifer had sent to feed her up for her visit to the fertility clinic.’

‘I apologise if I was trespassing,’ said Mrs Aldridge. ‘But really, some things are too important to be left to chance. Lexi must be well-nourished and rested to have the best chance of hosting the embryo that contains my darling Adam’s exceptionally robust sperm.’

PC Burns said no further action would be taken.

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your practical and emotional dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

My boyfriend was worried about leaving me with nothing if he died, and I thought he was going to ask me to marry him so I made a big fuss about how I didn’t believe in marriage. But it turns out he was only making a will in my favour Now he’s really upset. What can I do? Fallon R.

Dear Fallon,

My dear, I don’t really know why you have written to me. You do not want to marry this young man, and now it seems you will certainly get your wish. Is there some other more serious problem I can help you with?

Dear Auntie Satya,

I voted against my husband in a family business dispute and he is taking it out on me by behaving very strangely – sleeping in the spare room, taking his son on long walks round the farm, and making his own tea. Do you think I should be suspicious of his motives? Jennifer A.

Dear Jennifer,

I believe your husband has recently retired, so many women in your situation would be pleased to see their spouses being active and not sitting around in their pyjamas watching Bargain Hunt. Making his own tea though is a very worrying sign. A preliminary visit to your solicitor would not go amiss.

Dear Auntie Satya,

My wife has recently left me after 20 years of marriage. I feel it is far too soon to date, but my friend says he can ‘set me up’ with ladies from his milk round. He says I’m a catch: in fairly good nick, with money, a nice car and I heal sick fluffy kittens for a living. Do you think I should take him up on it? Alistair L.

Dear Alistair,

No, no, these milk-round ladies do not sound suitable at all. When the time is right, you will clearly be looking for someone mature and discerning. I don’t suppose you would care to call round for tiffin one afternoon next week?   

My Week, by Olwen

Pat Archer of Bridge Farm suggested that we interview her old friend Olwen, who she met while volunteering at The Elms centre for the homeless. Mrs Archer says anyone could experience what happened to Olwen, a perfectly nice woman who is now too poor even to afford a surname.

Sunday

Sunday is like any other day – a chance to stick it to The Man by sitting on a park bench shouting at pigeons. I’ve got a cold – must have caught it at that demo against cuts to dental treatment for ex-service personnel. Later on I’ll rifle through some bins for a leftover takeway. Or if I can’t find one, I’ll probably drive to Waitrose. You can park up overnight there and the croissants they chuck out aren’t bad – not Fairtrade though, mind you. Disgraceful sell-outs.

Monday

Dropped into The Elms for a spot of lunch. Pat Archer was cooking again – does that woman know what a pepper grinder is for? I told her, if I wasn’t a whistle-blowing WASPI woman with a vengeful ex-partner and a victim of council housing cuts, our situations would be reversed! Then I collapsed coughing, so she took me home.

Wednesday

Nearly left Pat’s house because her son Tom turns out to be a bloated kleptocrat. I tried to set fire to his nasty pile of get-rich-quick books but the smoke alarm went off. Pat offered to wash my clothes and run me a hot bath. I agreed, as an act of passive resistance.

Friday

My 100 per cent wool sweater has shrunk, thanks to Pat’s clumsy washing. She’s lost all her spark since chaining herself to that patriarchal dinosaur Tony, who does nothing but tinker with his tractor as far as I can see. I made a point of coughing on his precious cows. He asked me if I’d like to help feed them and I said: ‘Not without an equal pay guarantee, index-linked non-contributory pension and free healthcare, mister! I know my rights!’ He said ‘Oh, OK then, I’ll ask Tom’, and went back to his tractor. Spineless lackey of capitalism!

Poem of the Week

Many thanks to Mrs Lynda Snell of Ambridge Hall for sending us this lovely ‘Tribute to Spring in Ambridge’, inspired by her recent reading of the 14th century narrative poem, Gawain And The Green Knight.

I wandrez with ye grete dogge Guinevere,

From wondruz mountayne Pyreneese

Who mony wysse to be a polar beare!

Mid cowþat foule and bell so blue on village greene.

Sumwhyle Robert wyth his birdez communez

Sumwhyle Harrison sette forth ye crickete nettez

Adam frettez and werrez wyth Ian behynde,

And Jim playz straunge tunez fro morne to nighte

Then wyth thanks syng we all wynter is past

No more colde cler water fro þe cloudez schadden,

And sumers dry₃e and du₃ty seazon waittes,

Can it bi longe befoure ye Ambridge Faitte?