A happy Easter (and April Fools’ Day) to all our readers!

Aldridge takes the rough with the smooth

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, is to retire from running the agricultural side of the business and will retrain as a massage therapist at Spiritual Home, the holistic spa run by his daughter Kate Madikane.

‘It’s never too late to make a new start, and the family agreed this was an exciting challenge for me – in fact they insisted,’ said Mr Aldridge. ‘I’m especially looking forward to wearing the smart tunic and trousers combo that Kate has designed for me, in a crisp white polyester with lilac trim.’

Ms Madikane said she was confident her father would attract new customers to Spiritual Home. ‘We’ve had a lot of cancellations since the toxic leak at Low Mead, so it’s time to appeal to a fresh market,’ she said. ‘I’m sure Dad’s new ‘Claret and Old Spice’ deep-tissue massage will be a winner with our more mature clientele.’

Silmarillion is the last straw for Snell

Ambridge residents say they were ‘shocked to the core’ this week by the news that one of the village’s most popular couples is splitting up.

Robert and Lynda Snell, of Ambridge Hall, announced that their marriage is over, citing  ‘irreconcilable differences over The Silmarillion.’

‘Sadly, our life together in Ambridge is at an end,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘How can I stay with someone who actually likes this ragbag of random plots, cardboard characters, pompous language and clunky exposition?’

However, friends of the couple discounted rumours that Mr Snell is becoming closer to Kate Madikane, owner of Spiritual Home. ‘Yes, it’s true that The Silmarillion is Kate’s favourite novel, and she and Robert were discussing it in the tea room,’ said one. ‘That’s as far as it goes – but who knows? Anything can happen in Ambridge these days.’

High-flying hopes at Hollowtree

A prototype of the pigoose, the 'one-stop Christmas dinner' ' 

Neil Carter of Ambridge View and Rex Fairbrother of Hollowtree have joined forces to set up what they describe as a 'game-changing’ livestock business in Ambridge.

Mr Carter, widely known as Borsetshire’s best pigman, and Mr Fairbrother, who specialises in poultry, plan to breed a new species of pig that will have feathers and fly.

‘Rex is experienced with geese and I’m the best pigman in Borsetshire, so it seems like the perfect fit,’ said Mr Carter. ‘Once we get the geese and pigs together at Hollowtree we reckon it won’t be long before they start breeding.

'We think the new ‘pigoose’ will do particularly well at Christmas, as it’s a one-stop festive dinner: roast breast, big juicy legs and ready-made bacon rolls. And it delivers itself to customers' homes on Christmas Eve!’

Mr Fairbrother added that he expects to be the ‘marketing brains’ of the new business. ‘Finding the right name is crucial,’ he said. ‘My brother Toby has suggested ‘Hollowtree Honkers’ but perhaps that needs some work.’

Hats off for the Ambridge Easter Parade!

Ambridge’s annual Easter Bonnet Parade will take place on the village green on Sunday at 3pm.  We ask some local leading ladies to let us in on the secrets of their Spring headgear:

  

• I’m thinking about a cap – something quite jaunty, with a come-hither feather. Is there any particular colour that Welsh builders like? Shula Hebden-not-Lloyd-for-much-longer.

Sweet! 

• ‘I’ll be raising awareness of my work at The Elms by hollowing out a huge round loaf (organic of course), filling it with leftover vegetable stew and tying it to my head with one of my old CND scarves. I plan to carry a large ladle and scoop out stew to anyone who I think looks homeless. As Alan says, Easter is no good if it isn’t  relevant.’ Pat Archer.

‘My bonnet is going to be a chocolate teapot because it reminds me of my boyfriend Harrison. Useless – geddit? We’re all about the bantz, me and PC Burns! He said he wants a chocolate helmet but he’ll be lucky.’ Fallon Rogers.

A lawyer writes…

Frank Lee-Dubious, from the Felpersham solicitors Farr, Fetched and Wrongun, answers readers’ questions:

Q My brother told me his wife ran someone over in her car but didn’t stop because her daughter was throwing up. My brother helped cover for his wife because he didn’t want her to go to prison and anyway no one liked the victim.  Now his wife is dead and the victim has run off to Costa Rica. My brother says he doesn’t feel guilty and would do the same again. What is his legal position? EG

A  In legal terms, what your brother told you is called ‘hearsay’. You could also describe it as ‘chilling’ and ‘quite probably psychopathic’. Unless your brother chooses to confess he may, in legal parlance, have ‘got away with it’. In the meantime, keep him away from strong drink and knives.

Q My wife has sided with two of my children in voting to oust me from my position as head of our family farm partnership. I would never have set up the partnership if I thought people would disagree with me. Do I have any legal redress against this shocking betrayal? BA.

A  I’m afraid this is what we lawyers refer to as ‘being stitched up’. As you set up the partnership you must abide by its rules. And it does sound – forgive the legal jargon again – as if you ‘had it coming’.

And finally …. news in brief

•  The Lent Appeal at St Stephen’s, which asked churchgoers to donate £1 every time they complained about something, is set to raise a record amount, according to the Revd Alan Franks. ‘Let’s just say I’ve hired security for the collection on Sunday, and I’m confident we can repair the chancel roof and have plenty left for a nice little cruise round the Balearics for myself and Usha,’ he said.

• A local woman was ejected from a cheese-making class in Ambridge this week for being ‘too noisy’. Sabrina Thwaite, of  Grange Spinney, was asked to leave after constantly interrupting tutor Helen Archer, and calling Bridge Farm kefir manager Susan Carter a ‘cheese monitor’. ‘You couldn’t shut her up,’ said Mrs Carter. ‘I think she was set off by finding out the class was having Pat Archer’s vegetable stew for lunch, instead of going to the tea room. Well, you can understand it really. I don’t bear a grudge.’

• This Sunday’s Easter Egg hunt at The Bull in Ambridge is to be sponsored by Adam Macy and Ian Craig. ‘It’s really important we find an egg for our surrogate Lexi, so we hope lots of people take part,’ said Mr Macy. ‘She’s threatening to get a job in the chicken factory so Ian and I hope she gets pregnant as soon as possible as we don't like the sound of that at all.'