Kate's back, Brian's in trouble (again) and Harrison's still on the case

Aldridge: toxic rumours still spreading

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, strongly denied this week that there is any connection between the toxic spill on his land at Low Mead, and the nerve agent responsible for the poisoning of three people in Salisbury.

‘It is true that the Environment Agency is having a bit of trouble identifying the substances dumped on my land,’ he said. ‘But really, it’s like finding a bit of mould at the back of the fridge. Or in our case at Home Farm, both fridges. You don’t know what it is or how it got there, but you’re fairly sure it’s not dangerous. And anyone who claims otherwise will be hearing from my lawyers.’

Mr Aldridge added that reports of two women seen slumped on a bench on the Village Green after leaving Home Farm were ‘complete mischief.’

‘My daughters Alice and Kate had just had lunch and were merely resting on the way home, said Mr Aldridge. ‘They were celebrating a big booking Kate has taken at Spiritual Home – I believe from a youth group in Birmingham – and had treated themselves to a couple of bottles from my cellar. Each.’    

Police: Matt Crawford hit-and-run case ‘still open’

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) told a press briefing this week that the police are still trying to identify the driver who hit fleeing fraudster Matt Crawford and left him for dead in Ambridge before Christmas.

‘This is a very serious matter and we cannot let it drop,’ he said. ‘It’s funny you should ask me actually, as Joe Grundy came round to Woodbine Cottage on Wednesday specially to tell me he was sure it was some townie boy racer, and not anyone local. That was good of him, wasn’t it? What with just losing Nic and all. You’d think he had enough to worry about. I wonder what put it in his head.

‘Anyway, we agreed that it would be awful if the perpetrator turned out to be someone we knew,’ PC Burns said. ‘And I’ll be straight back on the case, just as soon as I’ve worked out where the handles fit on our new IKEA Björksnäs dresser. I’ll never hear the end of it from Fallon if they’re skew-whiff. Mind how you go now.’ 

Coffee break with… Kate Madikane

In our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with the owner of Spiritual Home, Borsetshire’s freshest new holistic centre for pampering and wellbeing.

Q We hear you’ve just returned from South Africa, Kate. Welcome back! How was your trip?

A Hang on – could you make it clear to readers we’re not actually drinking coffee? You’ll never waken your kundalini with caffeine. In fact, could you change the name of this interview to ‘Yerba maté tea break with…’? (No. Ed) And do have one of these yummy vegan palmiers. My mum made them for me, just before she unpacked for me and did all my ironing.

Q  We were talking about your trip to visit family?

A Oh of course, back to me… yes, I feel I took some positive steps on the journey to myself while I was away. I was challenged by my teenage son, who doesn’t yet understand me, and by my husband’s new partner. But she isn’t as pretty or as young as I feared, so I could see the divorce papers Lucas served me with were  just a formality. They don’t mean he doesn’t want to be married to me any more. Actually, is it too early for a glass of my dad’s claret? He’ll never know.  

Q And what plans do you have for Spiritual Home this spring?

A I’m so excited about it! I can promise our clients a team of wonderful new therapists, now that Starlight O’Hara has decided to take her Reiki table and her pathetic Instagram followers to pastures new. Honestly, just because there’s a teensy bit of noise in the yurts from the Environmental Agency diggers at Low Mead. In fact, with my gift for serendipity, I’ve talked to the guys there and I’m delighted to offer clients a whole new experience: a dip in the Am, followed by  the Hazmat Holistic Healing Hosedown. Apparently it’s just as good as a chemical peel!

Film of the Week

Now showing at Borsetshire Rural Cinema – a compelling double bill:

Shoot the Pianist

Happy-go-lucky pig man Jazzer fears for his Sunday lie-ins and marathon box set sessions when his landlord, gruff Classics professor Jim Lloyd, decides to learn the piano. So Jazzer teams up with tech-savvy buddy Josh to buy the Prof an electronic keyboard and headphones. But feisty young piano teacher Kiki  Pratchett is a stickler for the old-school upright – and soon has them all wanting to practise their scales with her! (Contains mild language and unlikely scenarios).

A Taste of Honey

In this gritty domestic drama, restless livery owner Shula seeks distraction from her marriage to dull vet Alistair with Philip, a charismatic Welsh builder with a fondness for owls. Philip is smitten with eco-activist Kirsty, but Shula’s hopes rise when he confides he has a phobia of bees, which are Kirsty’s favourite hobby. But just as Shula tries to tempt him with a roast dinner and a wistful expression, Alistair plays Cupid and Shula sees her dream of romance sink as fast as her Yorkshire puddings. (Contains randomly-generated plot elements).     

  

Recipe of the Week

Thanks to Alice Carter for sending us this simple yet sophisticated dish, which she says she loves to cook when having friends over for an informal kitchen supper at the Nest, the elegant cottage she shares with her farrier husband Chris.

Koftes with flatbread and dips

• Download a Yottam Ottolenghi recipe that looks easy enough.

• Realise it has 45 ingredients, of which the village shop stocks only six.

• Ring your husband 10 times to remember the coriander, tahini, dried rose petals and mint.

• Overcook the mince while chatting to your sister.

• Forget about the flatbreads so they are dry and burnt.

• Scream at your husband for forgetting the tahini.

• Scream at your guests for using your flatbreads as table tennis bats.

• Retire to bed with a bottle of red.