Brian's secret plan, a radio renaissance and Jazzer in the spotlight

Aldridge readies secret ‘theme park’ launch

Brian Aldridge, beleaguered owner of Home Farm, is hatching plans to revitalise the ailing business by turning it into a theme park, the Ambridge Observer can reveal.

Confidential papers left behind in the window seat of The Bull reveal that Mr Aldridge aims to create a ‘dystopian vision’ at Home Farm that he claims is ‘in tune with the zeitgeist surrounding modern farming’.

‘Visitors will have the chance to help clear toxic chemicals from Low Mead – saving money for the business as well as providing a fun experience,’ the proposal says. ‘They will also be able to tour the deserted yurts of Spiritual Home, with Joe Grundy on hand to tell ghost stories. Eddie Grundy will be invited to recreate ElfWorld in the Millennium Wood, which everyone remembers as truly terrifying. Catering will be provided by Susan Carter offering several flavours of kefir. And the master of ceremonies will be Ruairi, a mysterious and malevolent figure who never speaks, but just takes the visitors’ cash.’

Contacted by our reporter for comment, Mr Aldridge admitted the plans were ‘brave'. ‘I may have retired, but I am not going down without a fight,’ he said. ‘Home Farm needs to make money, and with Kate and Adam in charge, who can blame me for trying something radical?’

Ambridge inspires a radio renaissance

BBC Radio 4 is set to relaunch its entire output following an ‘epiphany’ experienced by senior broadcaster Sheila Dillon while she was recording an item for The Food Programme at Bridge Farm.

‘I was visiting Helen Archer to taste her Borsetshire Blue cheese for the Food & Farming Awards,’ said Ms Dillon. ‘But we were accosted in the dairy by a woman called Olwen, who told me that instead of talking about posh, expensive cheese, I should be covering the shocking inequalities in food production worldwide and the evils of the agro-industrial complex.’

Ms Dillon said she was ‘gobsmacked’ by the intervention. ‘This had never occurred to me, or anyone at the BBC before,’ she said. ‘Olwen and everyone else I met in Ambridge opened my eyes. I was scribbling notes for a new autumn schedule all the way home on the train.’ 

The BBC Press Office has since confirmed that Radio 4 will be launching a number of new series inspired by Ms Dillon’s visit to Ambridge: 

In Our Time:

Recorded on location in the cider shed, Joe Grundy and Bert Fry chunter about the old days and bicker about the best way to grow giant runner beans.

The Rear View:

Lynda Snell presents a guide to the best breeds of dog, based on how they look from behind. ‘I have high hopes of Thimble the Shih Tzu, but Scruff’s cheerful waggy tail and fluffy back legs will be  a hard act to follow,’ says Mrs Snell.

Outside Science:

A 200-part series. Holistic healer Kate Madikane explains why everything you know about conventional science and medicine is wrong.

From Our Own Cow-respondent:

Fascinating insights into everyday life on a dairy farm with Pip Archer of Brookfield (until she goes on maternity leave, which must be quite soon now).

Cross Incontinents:

Jill Archer and Peggy Woolley talk frankly about how they cope with the indignities of growing older and how easily irritated they are these days by their ungrateful children.

The Home Farm Front:

Daily reports from the battlefield as Brian and Jennifer Aldridge wage a war of attrition, both parties armed to the teeth with grudges and willing to fight to the last venison casserole for the moral high ground.

The Archers:

A soap opera based on the lives of the people of Ambridge, a small farming community in Borsetshire. (No chance. Can’t imagine anyone wanting to listen to that. Ed.)

Coffee break with… Jazzer McCreary

In our series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we catch up with stockman Jazzer McCreary, who looks after the pig herd at Bridge Farm.

Q  Jazzer, we hear you have a ‘portfolio career’. How does that work?

A Aye, I’m a pigman, milkman, and ladies’ man if ye get ma drift! But ma girls are ma first love. They’re smarter and funnier than some o the lassies I’ve been out wi. And they smell better, some of em!

Q There’s a big new pig unit opening at Berrow Farm soon. What’s your opinion of intensive pig farming?

A Well, it’s nae fun outside in the middle of February when the drinkers have frozen solid and ye’ve got to clear them by yersel ‘cos that Tom Archer is nae use to man nor pig. But I prefer the fresh air and I reckon ma girls do too.

Q So you’re not interested in the jobs they’re advertising?

A I didnae say that! I went along for an interview and I reckon I did fine – they asked me if I could work in a team and I said ‘Sure, I can work wi one pig or lots o pigs, disnae bother me!’ But I didnae really want the job.

Q You’re staying put at Bridge Farm then?

A Aye –  but dinna tell Tom Archer just yet, will ye? He’s offered me £2 an hour  more to stay – and I might get a bit more oot of him before he cottons on I wouldn’t leave ma girls. Like I said, useless. Fancy a pint? All this talking gies a man a terrible thirst, if ye know what ah mean…

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week: Sunday in the Park with George (Parental Guidance).

A dark musical featuring three generations of a family who navigate a social and emotional minefield while having a Sunday picnic at Lower Loxley. Contains very few harmonies, many discordant notes and plenty of awkward pauses as no one can strike the right tone with George’s recently bereaved father, Will. Stand-out performances from Clarrie Grundy as Will’s long-suffering mother, and the completely tone-deaf Shula and Alistair Hebden-Lloyd.