Helen says nothing, Jazzer says too much and Peggy joins #teamRob : a week of shock waves in Ambridge

Reporting clampdown on Blossom Hill Cottage tragedy

Legal proceedings continue in the case of Rob Titchener, who was stabbed at Blossom Hill Cottage on April 4. The Ambridge Observer understands that he has regained consciousness and that his first words to a nurse were: ‘Tie your hair back, there’s a good girl.’

Now that a 37-year-old woman has been charged with attempted murder, the matter is sub judice so we are legally prevented from publishing any details that might prejudice the jury, such as:

• Hot-shot barrister Anna Tregorran, who specialises in women’s issues, has agreed to take on Helen Titchener’s defence. Jill Archer remembered Anna is Carol’s daughter and her god-daughter, which was lucky.

• Kirsty Miller was shocked to learn she is a prosecution witness as she was first on the crime scene.

• Helen is refusing to let her parents visit her in prison, which is distressing Pat greatly as the flask of soup she’s made is going cold.

• Helen’s son Henry has not returned to school as he is having tantrums and nightmares about wicked witches and big bad wolves. His grandparents, Pat and Tony, can’t imagine why.

• Helen’s supporters have launched a ‘Free the Blossom Hill One’ charity appeal. 

We will also not be publishing any photos of Helen looking like a deranged harpy in Blithe Spirit (see p4), or Rob and Henry playing happy families (see p8).

Contempt of court is a serious criminal offence, carrying a prison sentence of up to two years. We ask for readers’ understanding in this matter as the Editor has no wish to end up sharing a cell with Helen. 

Fledgling brand cracks Ambridge egg empire

Ambridge’s egg entrepreneurs were at war this week as Josh Archer was accused of ‘betrayal’ by his business partner Neil Carter.

‘I couldn’t believe it when Susan told me Josh was promoting the Fairbrothers’ pastured eggs,’ said Mr Carter. ‘In fact, I nearly choked on the free samples Susan had just served me. Josh reckons they’re targeting a different market, but eggs is eggs: you can only eat so many. Even I can’t eat more than three for breakfast. Not if I want to leave room for Susan’s chilli.’ (What’s this? Ed).

Mr Carter said he was also unhappy that Justin Elliott of Damara Capital is  underwriting the Fairbrothers’ venture. He said he has told Mr Archer that he will end their partnership if he doesn’t stop working with a direct rival.

‘I’m sure Josh knows what he’s doing; he’s a real marketing dynamo, that boy!’ said his grandmother Jill Archer. ‘With the Borsetshire Food and Drink Awards coming up, he’s going to enter the Fairbrothers’ eggs. And now that Helen won’t be entering her Borsetshire Blue, there’ll be less competition!’

Mr Archer said he was too busy with his A-level homework to comment.

From the message boards: Ambridge reacts to Blossom Hill Cottage attack

Please note, sub judice rules also apply to online comments. Anyone posting on these boards about the stabbing risks contempt of court proceedings. You have been warned!

• I’m totally gutted about what happened to Rob.  It’s really messed up my plans to ask Tony if I can borrow some of his cows to graze at Home Farm. Some people are so selfish! MattsMilkMaid.

• Not as gutted as Rob though, eh hen? If I was Helen, I’d have gone for something less messy, like arsenic in his Irn-Bru. BorsetshireBraveheart.

• Don’t be a prat Jazzer. You’ve already lost your job and your home. Or do you want Tom to punch you again? MsMiller.

• I’m no apologising. All I said was, if Helen was a normal woman she’d walk out the door not grab a knife. BorsetshireBraveheart.

• Can we just remember in all this that other people have problems too? I had to call out Alistair this week when one of our cows had a twisted uterus. DairyDave.

• Yes, exactly David. Have you SEEN the monstrosity of a ‘chimney’ that Eddie Grundy’s put on my shepherd’s hut? It’s hideous, huge and shiny – and I’m not paying a penny until he’s fixed it. Lyndybot. 

• Hey guys, back on topic! What was that fancy limousine that turned up at Blossom Hill Cottage? Welljel

• It was the limousine Rob had ordered to whisk Helen away for a luxury birthday weekend. How could anyone think he doesn’t love and cherish his wife? Peggybank.

• Well, you never know with men. One minute they’re fine, the next they turn out to be lying, cheating, thieving….. oops! Not you Justin darling, obviously. Ha ha ha ha ha. Lilntonic.

Borsetshire salutes Businesswomen of the Year

Our society correspondent Lilian Bellamy writes: ‘The glitterati of Borsetshire gathered at the Feathers Hotel this week for the Damara Capital Businesswoman of the Year Awards, sponsored by Damara Capital and its visionary, charming chairman Justin Elliott.

We ladies showed that we can combine brains, business acumen and glamour (especially yours truly, thanks to my generous clothing allowance from Justin). Even Sheila and Shona Sheeney, of Scaffolding Sisters, scrubbed up well, although all that outdoor work plays havoc with the complexion. And of course little Emma Grundy did her best. It’s remarkable what you can get from charity shops these days. Emma and Dr Richard Locke had stepped in for Helen Titchener and her mother Pat Archer, who couldn’t attend on account of Helen having stabbed her husband the week before.

After a delicious seven-course lunch, photographers flocked to picture Justin in his elegant Savile Row suit as he expertly presented the Awards. The deserving winner was Leila Brodie, with her inspiring story of success ‘from kitchen table to canapé queen’. And runner-up was the delightful Elizabeth Pargetter, who has turned Lower Loxley from a shabby old pile into THE destination venue for conferences, weddings and festivals.

Toasting the winners in Damara Capital Cava, Justin Elliott said: ‘If I’d known it was this easy to have gorgeous ladies hanging on my every word, I’d have sponsored the awards years ago. Ding dong!’ 

Clarifications and corrections

In our crime serial “The Case Files of Maverick Madeley” last week, author Luther Gumshoe described Blossom Hill Cottage as ‘so sweet, you could get diabetes just looking at it.’ We have been asked by CotswoldToursAreUs to clarify that you can’t get diabetes from looking at a cottage. In fact, even if it was a gingerbread cottage covered in icing sugar and you ate all of it, you wouldn’t get diabetes. Mr Gumshoe comments: ‘Unfortunately, this lazy cliché is typical of DS Madeley’s thinking, which bodes ill for Helen. But the good news is there is no need to cancel your trip to Stow-on-the-Wold!’ We are happy to make this clear.  

Bloody scenes at Blossom Hill Cottage: the week that changed Ambridge forever

Titchener fights for life as wife is charged with attempted murder

Rob Titchener of Blossom Hill Cottage, who was injured in a knife attack at his home last Sunday, was said to be ‘critical’ as the Ambridge Observer went to press.

‘Mr Titchener has undergone two operations to repair his ruptured bowel, but the colostomy procedure unfortunately resulted in a life-threatening infection,’ said surgeon Mr Will Cutmore of Felpersham Hospital. 

‘Of course, you could argue that being critical was what got Mr Titchener into this mess in the first place,’ said Mr Cutmore. ‘But that would be unprofessional of me.’

Mr Titchener’s parents said they were ‘shocked, but not surprised’ that their daughter-in-law Helen Titchener had been charged with the attempted murder of their son. ‘I knew from the first moment I saw her she was dangerous,’ said Mrs Ursula Titchener. ‘I asked Rob’s dad, Bruce, for permission to speak and I told him so. But he barked at me that I was being a stupid, hysterical cow as usual. How anyone could accuse any son of Bruce’s of being an abusive bully, I have no idea.’

Mrs Helen Titchener will appear at Felpersham Crown Court for a plea and preparation hearing on May 5. There was no application for bail and she was remanded in custody. Her son Henry, five, is being cared for by his grandparents, Pat and Tony Archer, at Bridge Farm. They said: ‘We have absolutely no idea what’s going on but it’s all terribly upsetting.’

Attack sees Ambridge in eye of media storm

Ambridge found itself at the centre of a media frenzy this week as reporters descended on the village following the near-fatal attack on well-known local resident Rob Titchener.

‘It’s intrusive, but we all have a duty to support a free press,’ said Mrs Susan Carter of Ambridge View. ‘And having spent time at Her Majesty’s Pleasure myself, I can give journalists a real insight into what poor Helen must be going through. Of course, I was in a low-security prison; I didn’t mix with women who tried to kill their husbands, like she did. As I said to PC Burns, we all know about her ex committing suicide and her eating disorder. I reckon that’s what pushed her over the edge.

‘But I’ve been ever so discreet with the press. ‘Local flood hero stabbed’ – that was my headline in the Courier, that was. I’ve kept a couple of copies for the grandchildren.’

‘These journalists are scum,’ said Ms Fallon Rogers of the Ambridge Tea Room. ‘They have the nerve to come in here, eat a full English breakfast, pay for it, leave a large tip, and then ask questions like ‘Where is the nearest cashpoint?’ They should be run out of town.’

• As the newspaper ‘on the ground’, the Ambridge Observer is happy to support visiting media. Desk space is available at a very reasonable £100 per hour (plus extra for wi-fi and sandwiches) and staff can supply contact details of chatty local characters, such as Sabrina Thwaite, Hilary Noakes and Barry Simmons. Email ed@amob.com

‘No serial killer on loose’, police claim

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) reassured residents that a repeat of this week’s violent assault at Blossom Hill Cottage was ‘highly unlikely’.

‘As far as we know, there is no link between this event and the recent crime wave in Ambridge,’ he told a packed press conference.

‘We have been unlucky lately, with burglaries at Woodbine Cottage and Glebe Cottage, arson attacks at Hollowtree and Grange Farm, the theft of Mr Ed Grundy’s bullocks and the St Stephen’s Lent Appeal money, and of course the notorious Village Green Bunting Heist,’ said PC Burns. ‘But now that DS Joanne Madeley and her crack team from Borsetshire CID are on the case, I’m sure that we will not only find out what happened to Mr Rob Titchener, but also tidy up my ‘Unsolveds’ folder in no time. ‘

PC Burns stressed he was playing an important role in the investigation. ‘I now know exactly how DS Madeley likes her coffee, and I got Susan to stock her favourite brand of cigars at the shop,’ he said. ‘It’s at times like this that local community policing really comes into its own.’

NEW! Spring Fiction Special: The Case Files of Maverick Madeley*

In the first chapter of our dark new serial by crime writer Luther Gumshoe, author of the acclaimed ‘Gone Girl on the Bus’, our heroine DS Jo Madeley is called to a shocking case… 

Wiping the sweat from her eyes, Jo Madeley fished her phone out of her tracksuit. Her daily 10k through Felpersham’s mean, cold streets was hard. But it was the only way she could outrun her demons. She answered the call and sparked up her tenth cigar of the day. ‘Yeah Bill, what we got?’  ‘You better come quick boss, it’s bad. Ambridge. Blossom Hill Cottage.’

‘Copy that.’ Five minutes for a cold shower and a bitter, black coffee and she’d be on the road. Another invite to plumb the depths of human misery, and she would always RSVP…  

*

‘I need you to stand up for me and hold your hands out in front of you, Helen.’ She took no pleasure in cuffing a heavily pregnant, hysterical woman. But Jeez, it was carnage. The victim, a Rob Titchener, lay in the kitchen, bleeding out into a lake of custard. Doc Sharma said the perp had done a real good job on him. And there was a little kid – Harry? Henry? – who must have seen the whole thing.

‘OK Harvey, take her downtown.’  ‘Um, it’s Harrison actually, Sarge. PC Burns. Do you mean Borchester police station?’ Sobbing for her little boy, Helen Titchener was led away for questioning. Jo’s detective nose led her back to the crime scene. Blossom Hill Cottage. So sweet, you could get diabetes just looking at it.  But underneath there was a rotten stink. And it wasn’t tuna bake or burnt fruit pie…

*

‘Rob drove her to it… he belittled Helen, drove her mad – made her doubt her own sanity!’ Kirsty Miller seemed on the level. But Jo knew the mousy-looking ones could be the worst. The PNC showed Miller had form. Vandalising GM crops – with Helen’s brother Tom. Was that coincidence? What was with the burner phone she’d given Helen? How come she was so quick on the crime scene? Was this Thelma and Louise, Ambridge style? So many questions. And the only answers they had so far put Helen right in the frame. Over two fingers of single malt, no ice, in the Coppers’ Arms, Jo told DCs Reed and Sharples what she’d just told the perp’s brief.  ‘Forensics, her little kid, her ma-in-law – they all say the same thing,’ she said. ‘We’ve no option. Attempted murder. Why? Leave that to the judge. And let’s hope her waters don’t break in the prison van.’ Sometimes this job was tough. But she was tougher…

To be continued….

Ambridge Cricket Club: come to nets!

After its very successful 2015 season, Ambridge Cricket Club starts summer training this week. The unexpected absence of Thomas C and Titchener R means we are looking for a mediocre but principled slow bowler and a cheating, homophobic bully who unfortunately is also a match-winning all-rounder. Email Adam.Macy@homefarm.com for details.

*Lavinia Catwater is temporarily indisposed.

Anneka drops in, Dorothy turns up and Jess speaks out: a momentous week in Ambridge

Lent appeal cash theft: star suspected

Joy at the re-opening of Ambridge Village Hall turned to shock on Easter Monday at the news that a heartless thief had stolen £400 from the St Stephen’s Lent appeal fund.

‘We must forgive, as it’s Easter,’ said Rev Alan Franks. ‘But I’m afraid it looks like curtains for the stage curtains.’

Eddie Grundy of Grange Farm denied that any connection of his was responsible for the theft. ‘It’s true I arranged for TV star Anneka Rice, of Challenge Anneka and Treasure Hunt fame, to cut the ribbon,’ he said. ‘But I can’t believe she would do such a thing. And there’s nowhere to hide £400 cash in that jumpsuit she wears, if you know what I mean lads!’ 

‘It’s a disaster,’ said Mrs Lynda Snell. ‘And to think I’d even swallowed my pride to invite Jean Harvey when Anneka Rice turned up. Jean might be an insufferable diva, but she’s no thief!’

• When contacted by The Ambridge Observer, Ms Rice said she was devastated that her visit to Ambridge, her first since 1993, had been marred by crime. ‘If I were you, I’d be interviewing Eddie’s brother Alf,’ she said. ‘He asked if he could hitch a ride on my helicopter, as he needed to “nip off sharpish”. I wondered why he had a biscuit tin under his arm.’ 

Pageant inspires new venture for Elliott

Damara Capital’s latest enterprise in Borsetshire is a resort hotel that will stage regular plays starring its chairman, Justin Elliott, we can exclusively reveal. ‘I’d always dreamed of a life on the stage, but somehow, becoming an unscrupulous billionaire got in the way,’ said Mr Elliott. ‘But appearing as Squire Jeremiah in Lynda Snell’s pageant, ‘England’s Pleasant Land’, opened the floodgates. When I strode onstage and spoke EM Forster’s immortal lines: “I’ve not come to live in the village, what do I care? I’ve come to develop it, there’s money here”, somehow I felt I’d come home.’

Mrs Lilian Bellamy, Mr Elliott’s social secretary, said she was delighted but not surprised by the news. ‘I’ve always known Justin was a complete artist,’ she said. ‘I can’t wait to introduce him to some charming ingénues to co-star in his productions.’

From the AmMums message boards…

• Hey mums, anyone lost a brown and white fluffy toy rabbit? Looks nearly new; just a few chocolate stains and a chewed ear. Found it in the lane near Blossom Hill Cottage. GemmaH

• Oh, bless you, Gem, I bet some poor princess or little man is sobbing their heart out over it. Come to think, I reckon Henry Titchener had a toy rabbit at Bridge Farm at Easter; he wouldn’t let go of it to stroke the piglet! Mrs Woolley said it was girly, but I thought it was sweet. Although when my George was little, you couldn’t get him out of the pig-sty. MummyEmma

• Newsflash mums: I took the rabbit round to Blossom Hill Cottage, and that Rob Titchener said it was Henry’s but he didn’t need it any more and shut the door in my face! WTF? Who does he think he is? All he does is stack shelves at Bridge Farm (ooh, sorry Em, the tea room is lush). GemmaH

• None taken hun! I’ll mention it to Henry’s mum. She’s been looking proper peaky lately.  MummyEmma

• Excuse me you two, that’s my wonderful son-in-law Rob you’re talking about! Let me tell you, Helen and Henry are very lucky to have him. She’s a complicated young woman you know; not easy at all. I’m sure if Rob told you Henry didn’t need his toy rabbit, it was probably because Rob had bought him a better one. He’s like that; so thoughtful. PatOrganic

• Sorry Pat! And I know what you mean about Helen. Running off to get married and not having proper bridesmaids, like she promised me. Tricky. MummyEmma

• Hello mums, can I share some good news? My son brought his girlfriend Dorothy for supper this week, and she’s a delight! She works for the NHS, doesn’t drink, calls me ‘Mrs Hebden-Lloyd’ and her eyes don’t glaze over when Alistair’s talking! She’s beautiful, polite and insisted on separate beds when she stayed the night – such a relief, as I don’t like to think of Dan… well, you know. Do you think God is rewarding me for giving up alcohol for Lent? SoldierDansmum.

• Oh, get over yourself Shula. She sounds really boring. MummyEmma.

• Yeah, what Em said. Gemma.

• Hey guys, know this is off-topic, but can I tell you about the hil-ar-i-ous April Fool Bert played on Toby Fairbrother? With the stock cube in the shower head? LMAO, ROFL, LOLZ (is that right)? BabeRuth

That’s more than enough AmMums. Ed.

The Trials of Jess Titchener

In the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine digs deep to share some devastating truths…

Jess shivered as she stepped off the train at Felpersham Station, and pulled her new Boden jacket round her. Even being in Borsetshire was enough to bring back painful memories. Why had she come, anyway? What did she owe Helen Archer? She’d not given a thought to Jess’s feelings when she was sleeping with Rob. But there was something in Helen’s voice as she’d asked to meet up… ‘Jess!’ A heavily pregnant woman was walking towards her. Could it be…? The Helen she remembered was brisk, energetic, smart. This woman was hesitant, washed-out, untidy. ‘Hello Jess; how are you? Nice jacket!’ Helen's manner was as irritating as ever, but her face was thinner, her eyes ringed with dark shadows. Suddenly, Jess knew why she was here…

*

Talking to Helen, Jess barely recognised the woman who’d breezed about Ambridge with her cheese, her organic veg and her perfect little boy, completely at home in a village where Jess still felt like a gauche stranger. Now, with Helen twisting her hands and looking round nervously, Jess knew they had plenty in common – none of it good. ‘Has he hurt you?’ The tears started in Helen’s eyes and Jess knew the answer. ‘He only slapped me once, and it was my fault… and now he’s started on Henry…’  ‘Oh, Helen.’ Before meeting her, Jess had toyed with the idea of reassuring her about Rob, about leaving her to lie in the bed she’d made.  But the thought of Ethan, her own baby, at Rob’s mercy banished any idea of revenge from her mind…

*

Their talk hadn’t lasted long; Helen didn’t want her mother to start asking awkward questions. As the train rattled back to Birmingham, Jess wondered what Helen would do. Would she take her advice to leave while she still had the strength? After all, she probably wouldn’t have been able to end her own marriage if Helen hadn’t done the job for her. She flicked through the photos of Ethan on her phone. At one time, she’d longed for her son to have Rob’s features. Now, she was thankful there was no trace of that man’s DNA in her child. She’d told Helen Rob was a monster. But would Helen act? I’ve done what I can, she thought, unwrapping a chocolate bar and taking out her copy of Hello Magazine… To be continued…

    

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL OUR READERS! (Except you, Rob Titchener)

Henhouse fire probe is no yolk  

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has blamed ‘public apathy’ for the lack of progress into investigating an arson attack at Hollowtree, near Brookfield Farm in Ambridge.

‘I can’t understand it,’ said PC Burns. ‘No one seems to care about the destruction  of a mobile henhouse belonging to two entitled, irritating hobby farmers, Toby and Rex Fairbrother, and their obnoxious young business partner Josh Archer.’

PC Burns said that nearly a week after the fire, he is no nearer finding who had poured petrol into the henhouse and set it alight. ‘Our only lead is that Toby Fairbrother was seen dropping litter shortly before the fire, so I shall be interviewing Kirstie Allsopp,’ he said. ‘Otherwise, I’m appealing to people to think of the poor hens, who are having to live in a caravan recently vacated by the Fairbrothers. It’s shocking to keep birds in such conditions. I hope someone will come forward soon.’ 

Rewards for Ambridge entrepreneurs

Two local businesspeople are celebrating this week after being publicly recognised for their achievements:

• Elizabeth Pargetter of Lower Loxley said she was ‘thrilled and delighted’ at being shortlisted for the prestigious Borsetshire Businesswoman of the Year award. ‘I owe it all to Lilian Bellamy,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how she persuaded Justin Elliott, the sponsor, to nominate me, but whatever she did, it worked!’  

• Ed Grundy of Grange Farm is now a qualified crop-sprayer after successfully completing a gruelling two-day course at Borchester College. ‘I’m so proud of him,’ said his mother Mrs Clarrie Grundy. ‘I’ve put his diploma on the wall, next to our William’s 25-metre swimming certificate and little George’s ‘I didn’t steal Granny Clarrie’s money like my Uncle Alf today’ sticker from school.’      

My Easter week, by Henry Titchener, aged 5 

Sunday

I went to Daddy’s shop and made a pyramid with jam like in Egypt. In the car Daddy told me I was going to a new school where I would live with other boys and see Mummy and Daddy in the holidays. I told him I like adventures but I don’t really. He told me not to tell Mummy about it but Mrs Baines at school says secrets are bad.

Thursday

Today Mummy and me and granny Ursula went to tea at my grandma Pat’s house. They were upset because I said I hated Mummy for sending me away. Mummy said Daddy was very bad and she shouted a lot. Then she went off in our car and grandma Pat went in her car with granny Ursula too. I played football with Granddad and Uncle Tom.

Friday

Mummy came to play with me today. I told her she was no fun because all she does is go to sleep and then go weird and she is going to send me away. Mummy cried and said that would never happen and I would live with her forever. I said what about Daddy and she said let’s play with your game now. I told Mummy I’d look after her and she cried some more.

Granny Ursula went home today. Mummy didn’t know so we didn’t say goodbye. I was glad. I liked her when she came because she gave me toys but now I don’t because her dinners aren’t nice and her teeth are funny.

I went to Grandma Pat’s. We made jam tarts. When I came home Mummy wasn’t crying. She said she had talked to someone on the phone and she was much better. She got Daddy to make supper.

Ask the Garden Expert 

Will you be out digging and planting this Easter weekend? We asked Rose Blight, manager of the Felpersham Garden Centre, to answer readers’ questions:

Q I’m opening my garden to the public in June and the prospect is, frankly, overwhelming. There is so much expectation on my shoulders; I can sense the whole village holding its breath. I feel like a Druid, faced with designing Stonehenge. Even choosing the lettering for my ‘Resurgam’ cornerstone is giving me sleepless nights. What should I do? Lyndy, Ambridge.

A: Don’t worry Lyndy! Take a deep breath and remember that when the public visit a garden, all they want is what we professionals call ‘see, tea and wee’. Give them a quick tour, then pop the kettle on and point them to the Portaloo behind the greenhouse. You’ll be fine!

Q: I’m opening my garden to the public in June as a memorial to my Queen, my late wife Freda. My friend Carol Tregorran suggested putting flowering annuals in my vegetable patch, to brighten the area up. What do you think? Bert, Brookfield.

A: It sounds lovely, Bert, but I know Carol, and I’d be a little bit cautious about letting her choose your plants. Members of the public might take them home to make soup, and we wouldn’t want any more fatal accidents, would we?

Crossword solution

If you’re still puzzling over the crossword in our March 6 issue, here are the answers! Thanks to ‘Ophelia’ for her clever compilation and apologies for the delay.

Across: 4. Footstool  6. Hoe  7. Jenny  9. Tea room  10. Call The Midwife  11. Freda Fry

Down: 1. Pat  2. Frozen pizza  3. Home Alone  5. Fairbrothers  8. Pillow talk

Wayne’s on song, Rob’s on a mission and Kirsty’s on the case: a nail-biting week in Ambridge

It’s a hit! Birthday song goes viral

Ambridge has been besieged by pop fans this week as an amateur recording of a birthday party song went viral.

‘Eddie, the Prince of Grundys’ by Wayne Tucson has had more than a million hits on EweTube (sorry. Ed) since party guest Josh Archer uploaded the song to the internet from his smartphone.

‘I had no idea it would be such a smash hit,’ said Mr Tucson. ‘I just wrote down a few words for my old mate Eddie’s 65^th birthday. The lines came easily to me – like ‘Clarrie says he’s cuddly as a teddy’ and ‘his cider makes men go unsteady’. Just natural talent I guess.’

Like Justin Bieber’s Beliebers and Lady Gaga’s Little Monsters, Mr Tucson already has his own army of fans, mainly middle-aged ladies, who call themselves ‘Waynettas’ and wear cowboy hats with horns.

Mr Tucson is now considering offers to play the Pyramid Stage at Glastonbury and a concert on the roof of Buckingham Palace for HM The Queen’s 90^th birthday. ‘It’s tempting, but Jolene’ll have my guts for guitar strings if The Bull runs out of sourdough rolls,’ he said.  

Pageant to tackle modern issues 

Local impresario Lynda Snell is promising a ‘bold, edgy treatment’ for her production of EM Forster’s England’s Pleasant Land, which will celebrate the re-opening of Ambridge Village Hall.

‘I have taken the liberty of adapting the script to reflect the concerns of today’s society,’ she said. ‘To end the play, the cast will hold up a huge banner reading: “Coercive and controlling behaviour in a relationship is now a criminal offence”. They will then parade the banner round the green before handing it to Neil Carter and his son Chris, who will climb ladders (held by their wives Susan and Alice) and fix it to the roof of the Village Hall.

‘This is a very important message,’ said Mrs Snell. ‘You can’t be too subtle about it. I’m sure Mr Forster would have approved.’

• In other pageant news, Mrs Snell has denied any suggestion of political point-scoring in her casting choices. ‘It’s all pure coincidence,’ she said. ‘Just take a look at the cast list and see…’

Squire and Mrs George, wellmeaning but selfish landowners:

Brian and Jennifer Aldridge

Squire Jeremiah, rapacious and unscrupulous encloser of lands:

Justin Elliott

Jack and Jill, humble and hard-done-by workers:

Ed and Emma Grundy

The Recorder, pompous prophet of doom:

Jim Lloyd

Mr Bumble, hapless local official:

PC Harrison Burns  

Schools warn of fraudsters posing as parents

The Boarding Schools Union has warned its members to increase security after a suspicious couple visited SpareTheRod House in north Borsetshire this week.

‘A Mr Rob Titchener and his mother Ursula came to enquire about a place for Mr Titchener’s son Henry, who is five,’ said headmaster Dr D. Tention. ‘I assumed they wanted to put his name down, but they asked if he could start next term! I explained we never take boys under seven but Mr Titchener cried. It was quite a tantrum, actually. He said being terrified and neglected in childhood was good enough for him, so why not Henry?

‘It then transpired that Henry’s mother knew nothing about the visit, and Mr Titchener is not the boy’s father, although he has some parental rights.

‘Of course, I showed them the door, but I’d advise all schools to be wary. These two are clearly a pair of distraction burglars, or worse, and should have nothing to do with the education of small boys.’

My working week

In our occasional series featuring local residents who have interesting jobs, we interview Isla Makim-Stopp of the Felpersham women’s centre.

Q Are domestic violence and abuse common in Borsetshire?

A Oh yes, far more so than you’d think. It’s not confined to any age or social group.

Q How do women get in touch with you?

A Women can call our 24-hour helpline in complete anonymity. Even then, some are too scared to tell the truth. This week, for example, I heard from a woman calling herself ‘Kirsty’, who said she was asking for a friend. This is very common.

Q Were you able to help?

A I’m not sure. Kirsty described a relationship where the woman had been made to feel the abuse was her fault, that she’d brought it on herself. This is also common. I explained that controlling and coercive behaviour is now a criminal offence, as well as physical violence of course. All I could do was reassure her – or her friend – that we are there for her when she is ready. I hope she got the message.

Q  What other kinds of calls do you get?

A Well, not every caller understands what we do. Also this week, for instance, I had a call from ‘Kate’, complaining that her father had locked the office door so she couldn’t do her photocopying free of charge. I had to explain that this isn’t ‘abuse’ as such. She was quite cross though.

Egg ends up on faces at breakfast

There were ugly scenes at the Borsetshire Business Breakfast Forum this week as hungry guests blamed the sponsors for bungling the catering arrangements.

‘We were promised pastured eggs from the Fairbrothers’ new business at Hollowtree, and Bridge Farm sausages,’ said one furious guest. ‘But all we got was a PowerPoint presentation about their mobile henhouse and a few leftover wedding canapés from the Ambridge Tearoom.’

‘We are very sorry, but it was an easy mistake to make,’ said Toby Fairbrother, who organised the event. ‘I’m like, so passionate about our cool new brand that I just, like, forgot we don’t have any eggs yet.

‘And I’d asked Pip Archer to get us some sausages from her cousin Tom, but she was busy Skyping Matthew the Magic Milker in Cumbria and forgot. Come on, no biggie, guys!’

Rex Fairbrother, Toby’s brother, said he would personally deliver a box of the high-welfare pastured eggs to each guest to apologise, as soon as they had supplies. ‘And it’s quite wrong to blame Pip for the sausages,’ he said. ‘She’s a really lovely girl.’ 

Curtains go up, Kenton cleans up and Rob hits a new low – a truly shocking week in Ambridge

Village Hall curtains set for grand opening

Ambridge residents say they are ‘delighted’ with their refurbished Village Hall, which is on schedule for re-opening at Easter. ‘Everyone’s worked so hard,’ said Mrs Susan Carter. ‘The new curtains look lovely, the walls are freshly plastered, the parquet floor is beautiful. It’s a shame we had to have Jennifer Aldridge’s second-hand kitchen units. I think they’ve still got a whiff of mouldy venison casserole. But that’s probably just me.’

However, plans to involve junior villagers in decorating the hall have been cancelled at the last minute. ‘We asked the Brownies to express themselves with a wall of ‘street art,’ said Mrs Lynda Snell. ‘But once we let the Button girls loose with the spray cans, the results were appalling. Even Toby Fairbrother didn’t know some of the words. And he plays rugby.’

Pub saves village ‘Clean for the Queen’ campaign

A TV celebrity has praised Kenton Archer of The Bull for rescuing a litter-picking event to mark HM The Queen’s 90^th birthday. ‘Everyone wanted to turn out on Sunday to help, but there was a problem – no litter!’ said Mr Archer. ‘Ambridge is far too tidy. So while everyone was enjoying our delicious Mother’s Day lunch menu, I nipped out and emptied the pub’s wheely bins all over the green. Result! It was like an Easter egg hunt, only more smelly. And the tills were ringing when punters came in for a drink afterwards.’

‘Mr Archer is a Royalist after my own heart,’ said Ms Kirstie Allsopp of Kirstie’s Handmade Christmas. ‘Handmade rubbish: perfectly on brand! Let everyone carry out their Royal duty with a litter-picker and a bin bag!’

• Stop press: Ambridge will celebrate the Queen’s official birthday in June with two events, this paper can reveal. A ‘battle of the picnics’ between Lynda Snell’s Open Garden at Ambridge Hall, and a free-for-all on the village green, was declared a draw after it was agreed both parties should go ahead. ‘It threatened to get ugly for a while,’ said one resident, ‘but even Lynda had to admit that the whole village couldn’t squeeze into her shepherd’s hut. And apparently, Eddie Grundy’s made it so badly it’ll collapse as soon as Scruff cocks his leg on it.’

‘Missing teenager’ found safe and well

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) reported this week that a missing schoolgirl who’d been reported hanging round the bus stop in Ambridge had been reunited with her father.

‘People who’d seen Sasha Locke were concerned for her welfare,’ said PC Burns. ‘But fortunately Mrs Elizabeth Pargetter recognised her as the daughter of Dr Richard Locke, and drove her to his surgery in Felpersham.

‘Sasha had been subjected to extreme patronising by Mrs Pargetter but was otherwise unharmed,’ said PC Burns. ‘And Dr Locke was delighted as it gave him an excuse to nip round to Lower Loxley with a bunch of daffs and a winning smile.’ 

Recipe of the week

Ursula Titchener, who is staying at Blossom Hill Cottage, writes: ‘As no one in Ambridge seems to know how to make toad in the hole, especially my ‘unconventional’ daughter-in-law Helen, I thought I’d send my own recipe in. That’s reasonable, isn’t it, Editor?’  Absolutely, Ursula! Thank you.

Six meaty pork sausages*

A pound of beef dripping

Pancake batter

1.     Melt the dripping in a pan and fry the sausages in it. Ignore any silly suggestions to use less fat, or swap for olive oil. It might be healthier but won’t taste as good!

2.     Forget to buy vegetables on purpose.

3.     When the batter is ready, remember you need to go to the shop to buy vegetables. Instruct your daughter-in-law to take over.

4.     Just before you leave, turn the gas up to 250 deg C.

5.     When you get back, blame your daughter-in-law for burning the dinner.

6.     Have a quick high-five with your son and open a tin of beans for supper.

* Not Bridge Farm sausages. I shouldn’t say it, but there’s something not quite nice about them. I prefer Waitrose.

 

The Trials of Rob Titchener

In the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our hero is driven to desperate measures…

Rob couldn’t help smiling to himself as he sorted out the pak choi. What was it his old house-master, Mr Trafford, had said? ‘Delighted to have young Henry boarding with us, old chap, if he can throw a dummy pass like you!’ There wasn’t much chance of that with Henry – not with Helen mollycoddling him – but his own son! He was already kicking his mother like a fly half…

Rob was severely tempted to drop-kick one of Tony’s scabby organic cabbages into the café when Lynda Snell burst in, smirking at him flirtatiously. God, why did these hideous old cows all fancy him? ‘Lynda!’ he purred, flashing his most charming smile. ‘Oh Rob,’ she simpered. ‘You really must come to my Open Garden party in June. As the hero of the flood…’  Still smiling, Rob tuned her out. Hero of the flood! If only the silly mare knew…

*      

‘What do you mean, you don’t like having mum here?’ Rob felt a cold fury rising in his brain. Why couldn’t Helen just shut up and do what she was told? Didn’t she realise how dangerous it was to make him feel like this?

He paced up and down in the bedroom, trying to block out his wife’s tremulous voice. Some rubbish about feeling stifled in her own home, about Henry not being her own little boy any more. Ha! As if anyone would want that whiny milksop anyway. He forced himself to look at Helen. She was twisting a handkerchief in her hands, and seemed defiant, which annoyed him, but also frightened. It was her fear that filled him with disgust. ‘Look what I ended up with!’ he spat. ‘You’re a wreck. I’m amazed you were ever allowed to bring Henry into this world!’

Suddenly Helen flew at him. ‘You utter bastard….’ She’d gone too far. All this time she’d kept on annoying him, provoking him, forcing him into a corner… His hand shot out as if it had a mind of its own. Helen crumpled onto the bed, clutching her face. Oh God, now look what she’d made him do. He loved her, didn’t he? Why did she have to ruin everything? He turned on his heel and left the room.    

*

‘Rob? Rob?’ Helen’s gentle tapping on the door enraged him and he made his sobs louder. She came in. ‘Oh Rob, I’m so sorry… It’s my fault, I did try to hit you…’  This was more like it. Some contrition. The spirit she was so determined to crush in him rose again. ‘Oh, darling,’ he sighed. ‘All I wanted was to have my old Helen back. The one I saw alone, and vulnerable, and fertile, and wealthy. But how can we bring a child into this mess?’

‘Is there really something that wrong with me?’ Helen’s long hair fell onto her tear-stained face. He wanted to strangle her with it. ‘Yes, darling, I’m afraid so,’ he said gently. ‘It’s time we got you some proper psychiatric help.’

Leaving her to think about that, he went downstairs. Ursula would have the kettle on.                         To be continued…

Lavinia, this is dark stuff. Any hope of a happy ending? Ed.

I’ll see what I can do dear. Probably not yet. Lavinia. 

Justin invests, Emma protests and who's acting in Helen's interests? ... A chilling week in Ambridge

Elliott aims to raise his profile

Justin Elliott of Damara Capital has been revealed as the headline sponsor of Borsetshire’s prestigious Businesswoman of the Year Awards.

‘This year’s prize fund will be bigger than ever and entrants will have to work hard to impress me,’ said Mr Elliott. ‘As part of the application process I’m introducing a Calendar Girls round, inspired by the delicious Jennifer Aldridge (Miss March in the triumphant 2016 calendar).

‘All the shortlisted candidates will be asked to attend a private photoshoot, in which they will pose tastefully with a prop that represents their business, while I fire hard-headed questions at them. It will be like Dragons’ Den, only nude. Ding dong!’

The sponsorship deal was brokered by Mr Elliott’s social secretary, Lilian Bellamy. ‘Mr Elliott is determined to ease his way into the local community, starting with the Businesswoman of the Year,’ she said. ‘It’s very exciting!’ 

‘Astonishing’ success rates for local police

Borsetshire’s rural crime unit (PC Harrison Burns) has announced a dramatic increase in clear-up rates for recorded crimes in the first two months of 2016.

‘We’ve made real progress since my girlfriend’s father, Wayne Tucson, started work at The Bull,’ said PC Burns. ‘We got on so well when I arrested him last summer that we’ve agreed I’ll arrest him for every reported crime. We have a chat, I let him off with a caution, and we have a pint and one of Fallon’s cinnamon hot cross buns. Job’s a good ’un. I reckon I’ll be a detective soon.’

Ferrets ‘safe’ after cruelty alert

Borsetshire Ferret Welfare has said it will not be reporting a local family for cruelty offences after responding to neighbours’ concerns.

‘Residents reported hearing loud squeaks and raised voices at Grange Farm, so we sent a patrol out,’ said a spokesperson. ‘We found two ferrets caught up in a domestic incident between Mr Ed Grundy and his wife Emma. She was objecting to Mr Grundy clipping the ferrets’ claws in their bedroom and allowing the ferrets, Adele and Hercules, to nest in their pillows.

‘Fortunately, we were able to show Mrs Grundy this week’s Hello! Magazine, in which Victoria and David Beckham pose with their favourite ferrets, Ryan and Giggs.

‘Mrs Grundy was quickly reassured that ferrets are, like, totally on trend, and Adele and Hercules were none the worse for their ordeal.’

How does Lynda’s garden grow?

In an unprecedented move, an Ambridge garden has been selected to join the Borsetshire Open Gardens Scheme, even though it is still in the planning stages.

‘We were so excited by the ‘Resurgam’ garden that Lynda and Robert Snell are designing at Ambridge Hall that we signed it up straightaway,’ said a spokesperson. ‘Visitors will love the allergen-free garden and the Shakespearean garden. But it was the delightful prospect of the shepherd’s hut, in a grove of rowan, birch and a wayfaring tree, that is truly inspired.’

 Mrs Snell said she was ‘delighted’ at the accolade. ‘After the devastation of the flood, many gardeners might have settled for decking and concrete, but not Robert and I!’ she said. ‘We are going to work with Nature, not against her. Resurgam means ‘I shall rise again’ and just like St Paul’s Cathedral, our shepherd’s hut will rise like a phoenix from the ashes of Eddie Grundy’s shed. I have complete confidence in him.’  

Who are Ambridge’s favourite mums?

With Mothering Sunday here again, we ask three Ambridge sons to tell us why their mother deserves to be ‘Mum of the Year’:

David Archer, Brookfield: ‘My mother Jill works tirelessly for the family and makes the best simnel cake in Ambridge. And you should see her cherry Genoas! Sadly my wife Ruth lost her mum last year; it’s her first Mother’s Day without Heather. Not that we ever saw her on Mother’s Day, but still. So we’re going to make a big fuss of my mum instead.’

Tom Archer, Bridge Farm: ‘Pat, my mum, has a lot on her plate at the moment – mainly spinach and lentils, as she’s keen for us all to eat healthily. My sister Helen is pregnant and I was a bit worried she might not be happy at home. But mum is great at reassuring me. She trusts Helen’s husband Rob completely and she’s welcomed his mum Ursula into the family, even though she’s only met her once. That’s my mum for you. Always sees the best in people.’

Rob Titchener, Blossom Hill Cottage: ‘My mother Ursula is definitely Mum of the Year in our house. She always was: just look at the man I’ve turned out to be! I wish I could say the same of my wife Helen, but frankly she’s all over the place. Not bothering to wash her hair, snapping at our little boy Henry, and even forgetting to cool his bath water so he nearly scalded his foot, poor little chap.

‘If my mum wasn’t here to take over the chores and the childcare, and chuck out Helen’s useless eco-friendly cleaning products, I simply don’t know where we’d be. She’s agreed to stay on until our new baby’s born to stop Helen being so sloppy, confused and – I hate to say this – unkind to Henry. Thank goodness. With Ursula on hand, we have one good mother in the family, heh?’

The Ambridge Observer non-jumbo, no-prize crossword

This week’s crossword compiler is ‘Ophelia’, from Cardiff. Thank you very much Ophelia: Alcibiades is looking to his laurels…

Across

4. Lo! Too soft! In tartan. (9)

6. Funny house-warming gift. Ho! Ho! Ho! (3)

7. Miss March sets Brian spinning. (5)

9. Order more oat cakes etc. at Bridge Farm. (3,4)

10. Titchener family motto and favourite Sunday night TV show? (4,3,7)

11. Late silent supercook told to start breakfasts. (5,3)

Down

1. Recently retired from farming and motherhood. (3)

2. Ruth's signature dish. (6,5)

3. Film for Helen last Sunday morning. (4,5)

5. Blond siblings? (12)

8. Ed and Emma's cosy chat re Hercules' hiding place. (6,4)

Answers to last week’s crossword:

Across: 1. Hut 3. Skirts 6. Pageant 8. Kirstie 9. Yes

Down: 2. Ursula 4. Rex and Toby 5. Scotch eggs 6. Porky 7. Go green