Sunday, 17 April 2016

Helen says nothing, Jazzer says too much and Peggy joins #teamRob : a week of shock waves in Ambridge

Reporting clampdown on Blossom Hill Cottage tragedy

Legal proceedings continue in the case of Rob Titchener, who was stabbed at Blossom Hill Cottage on April 4. The Ambridge Observer understands that he has regained consciousness and that his first words to a nurse were: ‘Tie your hair back, there’s a good girl.’
Now that a 37-year-old woman has been charged with attempted murder, the matter is sub judice so we are legally prevented from publishing any details that might prejudice the jury, such as:

• Hot-shot barrister Anna Tregorran, who specialises in women’s issues, has agreed to take on Helen Titchener’s defence. Jill Archer remembered Anna is Carol’s daughter and her god-daughter, which was lucky.
• Kirsty Miller was shocked to learn she is a prosecution witness as she was first on the crime scene.
• Helen is refusing to let her parents visit her in prison, which is distressing Pat greatly as the flask of soup she’s made is going cold.
• Helen’s son Henry has not returned to school as he is having tantrums and nightmares about wicked witches and big bad wolves. His grandparents, Pat and Tony, can’t imagine why.
• Helen’s supporters have launched a ‘Free the Blossom Hill One’ charity appeal

We will also not be publishing any photos of Helen looking like a deranged harpy in Blithe Spirit (see p4), or Rob and Henry playing happy families (see p8).
Contempt of court is a serious criminal offence, carrying a prison sentence of up to two years. We ask for readers’ understanding in this matter as the Editor has no wish to end up sharing a cell with Helen. 

Fledgling brand cracks Ambridge egg empire

Ambridge’s egg entrepreneurs were at war this week as Josh Archer was accused of ‘betrayal’ by his business partner Neil Carter.
‘I couldn’t believe it when Susan told me Josh was promoting the Fairbrothers’ pastured eggs,’ said Mr Carter. ‘In fact, I nearly choked on the free samples Susan had just served me. Josh reckons they’re targeting a different market, but eggs is eggs: you can only eat so many. Even I can’t eat more than three for breakfast. Not if I want to leave room for Susan’s chilli.’ (What’s this? Ed).
Mr Carter said he was also unhappy that Justin Elliott of Damara Capital is  underwriting the Fairbrothers’ venture. He said he has told Mr Archer that he will end their partnership if he doesn’t stop working with a direct rival.
‘I’m sure Josh knows what he’s doing; he’s a real marketing dynamo, that boy!’ said his grandmother Jill Archer. ‘With the Borsetshire Food and Drink Awards coming up, he’s going to enter the Fairbrothers’ eggs. And now that Helen won’t be entering her Borsetshire Blue, there’ll be less competition!’
Mr Archer said he was too busy with his A-level homework to comment.

From the message boards: Ambridge reacts to Blossom Hill Cottage attack

Please note, sub judice rules also apply to online comments. Anyone posting on these boards about the stabbing risks contempt of court proceedings. You have been warned!

• I’m totally gutted about what happened to Rob.  It’s really messed up my plans to ask Tony if I can borrow some of his cows to graze at Home Farm. Some people are so selfish! MattsMilkMaid.
• Not as gutted as Rob though, eh hen? If I was Helen, I’d have gone for something less messy, like arsenic in his Irn-Bru. BorsetshireBraveheart.
• Don’t be a prat Jazzer. You’ve already lost your job and your home. Or do you want Tom to punch you again? MsMiller.
• I’m no apologising. All I said was, if Helen was a normal woman she’d walk out the door not grab a knife. BorsetshireBraveheart.
Can we just remember in all this that other people have problems too? I had to call out Alistair this week when one of our cows had a twisted uterus. DairyDave.
• Yes, exactly David. Have you SEEN the monstrosity of a ‘chimney’ that Eddie Grundy’s put on my shepherd’s hut? It’s hideous, huge and shiny – and I’m not paying a penny until he’s fixed it. Lyndybot. 
• Hey guys, back on topic! What was that fancy limousine that turned up at Blossom Hill Cottage? Welljel
• It was the limousine Rob had ordered to whisk Helen away for a luxury birthday weekend. How could anyone think he doesn’t love and cherish his wife? Peggybank.
Well, you never know with men. One minute they’re fine, the next they turn out to be lying, cheating, thieving….. oops! Not you Justin darling, obviously. Ha ha ha ha ha. Lilntonic.

Borsetshire salutes Businesswomen of the Year

Our society correspondent Lilian Bellamy writes: ‘The glitterati of Borsetshire gathered at the Feathers Hotel this week for the Damara Capital Businesswoman of the Year Awards, sponsored by Damara Capital and its visionary, charming chairman Justin Elliott.
We ladies showed that we can combine brains, business acumen and glamour (especially yours truly, thanks to my generous clothing allowance from Justin). Even Sheila and Shona Sheeney, of Scaffolding Sisters, scrubbed up well, although all that outdoor work plays havoc with the complexion. And of course little Emma Grundy did her best. It’s remarkable what you can get from charity shops these days. Emma and Dr Richard Locke had stepped in for Helen Titchener and her mother Pat Archer, who couldn’t attend on account of Helen having stabbed her husband the week before.
After a delicious seven-course lunch, photographers flocked to picture Justin in his elegant Savile Row suit as he expertly presented the Awards. The deserving winner was Leila Brodie, with her inspiring story of success ‘from kitchen table to canapé queen’. And runner-up was the delightful Elizabeth Pargetter, who has turned Lower Loxley from a shabby old pile into THE destination venue for conferences, weddings and festivals.
Toasting the winners in Damara Capital Cava, Justin Elliott said: ‘If I’d known it was this easy to have gorgeous ladies hanging on my every word, I’d have sponsored the awards years ago. Ding dong!’ 

Clarifications and corrections

In our crime serial “The Case Files of Maverick Madeley” last week, author Luther Gumshoe described Blossom Hill Cottage as ‘so sweet, you could get diabetes just looking at it.’ We have been asked by CotswoldToursAreUs to clarify that you can’t get diabetes from looking at a cottage. In fact, even if it was a gingerbread cottage covered in icing sugar and you ate all of it, you wouldn’t get diabetes. Mr Gumshoe comments: ‘Unfortunately, this lazy cliché is typical of DS Madeley’s thinking, which bodes ill for Helen. But the good news is there is no need to cancel your trip to Stow-on-the-Wold!’ We are happy to make this clear.  


  1. Love Rob's first words. Probably swiftly followed by a suggestion that she'd look better without make up and a request for a tuna sandwich.

    1. If only! His actual first words (last night's episode) were super-sinister...

  2. Hospital custard will be home made I presume?

    1. I wouldn't like to be the hospital cook who served up Ambrosia tinned!

  3. I believe the reason Shula continues to betray her god by not coming forward and confessing her previous perversion of the course of justice is exactly the same as the reluctance shown by your editor, terrified lest they bang her up on the same Holloway wing as Hellin.
    That would indeed be "cruel and unusual punishment"!

    1. Indeed it would... Poor Helen. Ear plugs and an endless supply of tissues would be essential...

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