Reporting clampdown on Blossom Hill Cottage tragedy
Legal proceedings continue in the case of
Rob Titchener, who was stabbed at Blossom Hill Cottage on April 4. The Ambridge Observer understands that he
has regained consciousness and that his first words to a nurse were: ‘Tie your
hair back, there’s a good girl.’
Now that a 37-year-old woman has been
charged with attempted murder, the matter is sub judice so we are legally
prevented from publishing any details that might prejudice the jury, such as:
• Hot-shot barrister Anna Tregorran, who
specialises in women’s issues, has agreed to take on Helen Titchener’s defence.
Jill Archer remembered Anna is Carol’s daughter and her god-daughter, which was
lucky.
• Kirsty Miller was shocked to learn she is
a prosecution witness as she was first on the crime scene.
• Helen is refusing to let her parents
visit her in prison, which is distressing Pat greatly as the flask of soup
she’s made is going cold.
• Helen’s son Henry has not returned to
school as he is having tantrums and nightmares about wicked witches and big bad
wolves. His grandparents, Pat and Tony, can’t imagine why.
• Helen’s supporters have launched a ‘Free the Blossom Hill One’ charity appeal.
We will also not be publishing any photos
of Helen looking like a deranged harpy in Blithe Spirit (see p4), or
Rob and Henry playing happy families (see p8).
Contempt of court is a serious criminal
offence, carrying a prison sentence of up to two years. We ask for readers’
understanding in this matter as the Editor has no wish to end up sharing a cell
with Helen.
Fledgling brand cracks Ambridge egg empire
Ambridge’s egg entrepreneurs were at war
this week as Josh Archer was accused of ‘betrayal’ by his business partner Neil
Carter.
‘I couldn’t believe it when Susan told me Josh
was promoting the Fairbrothers’ pastured eggs,’ said Mr Carter. ‘In fact, I
nearly choked on the free samples Susan had just served me. Josh reckons
they’re targeting a different market, but eggs is eggs: you can only eat so
many. Even I can’t eat more than three for breakfast. Not if I want to leave
room for Susan’s chilli.’ (What’s this?
Ed).
Mr Carter said he was also unhappy that
Justin Elliott of Damara Capital is
underwriting the Fairbrothers’ venture. He said he has told Mr Archer
that he will end their partnership if he doesn’t stop working with a direct
rival.
‘I’m sure Josh knows what he’s doing; he’s
a real marketing dynamo, that boy!’ said his grandmother Jill Archer. ‘With the
Borsetshire Food and Drink Awards coming up, he’s going to enter the
Fairbrothers’ eggs. And now that Helen won’t be entering her Borsetshire Blue,
there’ll be less competition!’
Mr Archer said he was too busy with his
A-level homework to comment.
From the message boards: Ambridge reacts to
Blossom Hill Cottage attack
Please note, sub judice rules also apply to
online comments. Anyone posting on these boards about the stabbing risks
contempt of court proceedings. You have been warned!
• I’m totally gutted about what happened to
Rob. It’s really messed up my plans
to ask Tony if I can borrow some of his cows to graze at Home Farm. Some people
are so selfish! MattsMilkMaid.
• Not as gutted as Rob though, eh hen? If I
was Helen, I’d have gone for something less messy, like arsenic in his Irn-Bru.
BorsetshireBraveheart.
• Don’t be a prat Jazzer. You’ve already
lost your job and your home. Or do you want Tom to punch you again? MsMiller.
• I’m no apologising. All I said was, if
Helen was a normal woman she’d walk out the door not grab a knife. BorsetshireBraveheart.
• Can we just remember in all this that other people have problems
too? I had to call out Alistair this week when one of our cows had a twisted
uterus. DairyDave.
• Yes, exactly David. Have you SEEN the
monstrosity of a ‘chimney’ that Eddie Grundy’s put on my shepherd’s hut? It’s
hideous, huge and shiny – and I’m not paying a penny until he’s fixed it. Lyndybot.
• Hey guys, back on topic! What was that
fancy limousine that turned up at Blossom Hill Cottage? Welljel
• It was the limousine Rob had ordered to
whisk Helen away for a luxury birthday weekend. How could anyone think he
doesn’t love and cherish his wife? Peggybank.
• Well, you never know with men. One minute they’re fine, the next
they turn out to be lying, cheating, thieving….. oops! Not you Justin darling,
obviously. Ha ha ha ha ha. Lilntonic.
Borsetshire salutes Businesswomen of the
Year
Our
society correspondent Lilian Bellamy writes: ‘The
glitterati of Borsetshire gathered at the Feathers Hotel this week for the Damara
Capital Businesswoman of the Year Awards, sponsored by Damara Capital and its
visionary, charming chairman Justin Elliott.
We ladies showed that we can combine
brains, business acumen and glamour (especially yours truly, thanks to my
generous clothing allowance from Justin). Even Sheila and Shona Sheeney, of
Scaffolding Sisters, scrubbed up well, although all that outdoor work plays
havoc with the complexion. And of course little Emma Grundy did her
best. It’s remarkable what you can get from charity shops these days. Emma and
Dr Richard Locke had stepped in for Helen Titchener and her mother Pat Archer,
who couldn’t attend on account of Helen having stabbed her husband the week
before.
After a delicious seven-course lunch, photographers
flocked to picture Justin in his elegant Savile Row suit as he expertly
presented the Awards. The deserving winner was Leila Brodie, with her inspiring
story of success ‘from kitchen table to canapé queen’. And runner-up was the
delightful Elizabeth Pargetter, who has turned Lower Loxley from a shabby old
pile into THE destination venue for conferences, weddings and festivals.
Toasting the winners in Damara Capital
Cava, Justin Elliott said: ‘If I’d known it was this easy to have gorgeous
ladies hanging on my every word, I’d have sponsored the awards years ago. Ding
dong!’
Clarifications and corrections
In our crime serial “The Case Files of
Maverick Madeley” last week, author Luther Gumshoe described Blossom Hill
Cottage as ‘so sweet, you could get diabetes just looking at it.’ We have been
asked by CotswoldToursAreUs to clarify that you can’t get diabetes from looking
at a cottage. In fact, even if it was a gingerbread cottage covered in icing
sugar and you ate all of it, you wouldn’t get diabetes. Mr Gumshoe comments: ‘Unfortunately,
this lazy cliché is typical of DS Madeley’s thinking, which bodes ill for
Helen. But the good news is there is no need to cancel your trip to Stow-on-the-Wold!’
We are happy to make this clear.
Love Rob's first words. Probably swiftly followed by a suggestion that she'd look better without make up and a request for a tuna sandwich.
ReplyDeleteIf only! His actual first words (last night's episode) were super-sinister...
DeleteHospital custard will be home made I presume?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't like to be the hospital cook who served up Ambrosia tinned!
DeleteFabulous!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ellie! Much appreciated.
DeleteI believe the reason Shula continues to betray her god by not coming forward and confessing her previous perversion of the course of justice is exactly the same as the reluctance shown by your editor, terrified lest they bang her up on the same Holloway wing as Hellin.
ReplyDeleteThat would indeed be "cruel and unusual punishment"!
Indeed it would... Poor Helen. Ear plugs and an endless supply of tissues would be essential...
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDelete