Lent appeal cash theft: star suspected
Joy at the re-opening of Ambridge Village
Hall turned to shock on Easter Monday at the news that a heartless thief had
stolen £400 from the St Stephen’s Lent appeal fund.
‘We must forgive, as it’s Easter,’ said Rev
Alan Franks. ‘But I’m afraid it looks like curtains for the stage curtains.’
Eddie Grundy of Grange Farm denied that any
connection of his was responsible for the theft. ‘It’s true I arranged for TV
star Anneka Rice, of Challenge Anneka
and Treasure Hunt fame, to cut the
ribbon,’ he said. ‘But I can’t believe she would do such a thing. And there’s
nowhere to hide £400 cash in that jumpsuit she wears, if you know what I mean
lads!’
‘It’s a disaster,’ said Mrs Lynda Snell.
‘And to think I’d even swallowed my pride to invite Jean Harvey when Anneka
Rice turned up. Jean might be an insufferable diva, but she’s no thief!’
• When contacted by The Ambridge Observer, Ms Rice said she was devastated that her
visit to Ambridge, her first since 1993, had been marred by crime. ‘If I were
you, I’d be interviewing Eddie’s brother Alf,’ she said. ‘He
asked if he could hitch a ride on my helicopter, as he needed to “nip off sharpish”. I wondered why he had a biscuit tin under his arm.’
Pageant inspires new venture for Elliott
Damara Capital’s latest enterprise in
Borsetshire is a resort hotel that will stage regular plays starring its
chairman, Justin Elliott, we can exclusively reveal. ‘I’d always dreamed of a
life on the stage, but somehow, becoming an unscrupulous billionaire got in the
way,’ said Mr Elliott. ‘But appearing as Squire Jeremiah in Lynda Snell’s
pageant, ‘England’s Pleasant Land’, opened the floodgates. When I strode onstage
and spoke EM Forster’s immortal lines: “I’ve not come to live in the village,
what do I care? I’ve come to develop it, there’s money here”, somehow I felt
I’d come home.’
Mrs Lilian Bellamy, Mr Elliott’s social secretary,
said she was delighted but not surprised by the news. ‘I’ve always known Justin
was a complete artist,’ she said. ‘I can’t wait to introduce him to some
charming ingĂ©nues to co-star in his productions.’
From the AmMums message boards…
• Hey mums, anyone lost a brown and white
fluffy toy rabbit? Looks nearly new; just a few chocolate stains and a chewed
ear. Found it in the lane near Blossom Hill Cottage. GemmaH
• Oh, bless you, Gem, I bet some poor princess or little man is sobbing their heart out
over it. Come to think, I reckon Henry Titchener had a toy rabbit at Bridge
Farm at Easter; he wouldn’t let go of it to stroke the piglet! Mrs Woolley said
it was girly, but I thought it was sweet. Although when my George was little,
you couldn’t get him out of the pig-sty. MummyEmma
• Newsflash mums: I took the rabbit round
to Blossom Hill Cottage, and that Rob Titchener said it was Henry’s but he
didn’t need it any more and shut the door in my face! WTF? Who does he think he
is? All he does is stack shelves at Bridge Farm (ooh, sorry Em, the tea room is
lush). GemmaH
• None taken hun! I’ll mention it to Henry’s
mum. She’s been looking proper peaky lately. MummyEmma
• Excuse me you two, that’s my wonderful son-in-law Rob you’re talking
about! Let me tell you, Helen and Henry are very lucky to have him. She’s a
complicated young woman you know; not easy at all. I’m sure if Rob told you
Henry didn’t need his toy rabbit, it was probably because Rob had bought him a
better one. He’s like that; so thoughtful. PatOrganic
• Sorry Pat! And I know what you mean about
Helen. Running off to get married and not having proper bridesmaids, like she
promised me. Tricky. MummyEmma
• Hello mums, can I share some good news? My son brought his
girlfriend Dorothy for supper this week, and she’s a delight! She works for the
NHS, doesn’t drink, calls me ‘Mrs Hebden-Lloyd’ and her eyes don’t glaze over
when Alistair’s talking! She’s beautiful, polite and insisted on separate beds
when she stayed the night – such a relief, as I don’t like to think of Dan… well,
you know. Do you think God is rewarding me for giving up alcohol for Lent? SoldierDansmum.
• Oh, get over yourself Shula. She sounds
really boring. MummyEmma.
• Yeah, what Em said. Gemma.
• Hey guys, know this is off-topic, but can I tell you about the hil-ar-i-ous
April Fool Bert played on Toby Fairbrother? With the stock cube in the shower
head? LMAO, ROFL, LOLZ (is that right)?
BabeRuth
That’s
more than enough AmMums. Ed.
The Trials of Jess Titchener
In
the latest chapter of our romantic saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia
Catwater, our heroine digs deep to share some devastating truths…
Jess shivered as she stepped off the train
at Felpersham Station, and pulled her new Boden jacket round her. Even
being in Borsetshire was enough to bring back painful memories. Why had she
come, anyway? What did she owe Helen Archer? She’d not given a thought to
Jess’s feelings when she was sleeping with Rob. But there was something in
Helen’s voice as she’d asked to meet up… ‘Jess!’ A heavily pregnant woman was
walking towards her. Could it be…? The Helen she remembered was brisk,
energetic, smart. This woman was hesitant, washed-out, untidy. ‘Hello Jess; how
are you? Nice jacket!’ Helen's manner was as irritating as ever, but her face was thinner, her eyes ringed with dark shadows. Suddenly, Jess knew why
she was here…
*
Talking to Helen, Jess barely recognised
the woman who’d breezed about Ambridge with her cheese, her organic veg and her
perfect little boy, completely at home in a village where Jess still felt like
a gauche stranger. Now, with Helen twisting her hands and looking round
nervously, Jess knew they had plenty in common – none of it good. ‘Has he hurt
you?’ The tears started in Helen’s eyes and Jess knew the answer. ‘He only
slapped me once, and it was my fault… and now he’s started on Henry…’ ‘Oh, Helen.’ Before meeting her, Jess
had toyed with the idea of reassuring her about Rob, about leaving her to lie in
the bed she’d made. But the
thought of Ethan, her own baby, at Rob’s mercy banished any idea of revenge
from her mind…
*
Their talk hadn’t lasted long; Helen didn’t
want her mother to start asking awkward questions. As the train rattled back to
Birmingham, Jess wondered what Helen would do. Would she take her advice to leave
while she still had the strength? After all, she probably wouldn’t have been
able to end her own marriage if Helen hadn’t done the job for her. She flicked
through the photos of Ethan on her phone. At one time, she’d longed for her son
to have Rob’s features. Now, she was thankful there was no trace of that man’s
DNA in her child. She’d told Helen Rob was a monster. But would Helen act? I’ve
done what I can, she thought, unwrapping a chocolate bar and taking out her
copy of Hello Magazine… To be continued…
Excellent
ReplyDeletePerfect, as usual.
ReplyDeleteClever, clever, clever & so funny too.
ReplyDeleteBrilliant, as always!
ReplyDeleteThanks all! We've cancelled all reporters' leave this week, but it's going to be a tricky issue...
ReplyDelete