Sunday, 27 March 2016

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL OUR READERS! (Except you, Rob Titchener)

Henhouse fire probe is no yolk  

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has blamed ‘public apathy’ for the lack of progress into investigating an arson attack at Hollowtree, near Brookfield Farm in Ambridge.
‘I can’t understand it,’ said PC Burns. ‘No one seems to care about the destruction  of a mobile henhouse belonging to two entitled, irritating hobby farmers, Toby and Rex Fairbrother, and their obnoxious young business partner Josh Archer.’
PC Burns said that nearly a week after the fire, he is no nearer finding who had poured petrol into the henhouse and set it alight. ‘Our only lead is that Toby Fairbrother was seen dropping litter shortly before the fire, so I shall be interviewing Kirstie Allsopp,’ he said. ‘Otherwise, I’m appealing to people to think of the poor hens, who are having to live in a caravan recently vacated by the Fairbrothers. It’s shocking to keep birds in such conditions. I hope someone will come forward soon.’ 

Rewards for Ambridge entrepreneurs

Two local businesspeople are celebrating this week after being publicly recognised for their achievements:
• Elizabeth Pargetter of Lower Loxley said she was ‘thrilled and delighted’ at being shortlisted for the prestigious Borsetshire Businesswoman of the Year award. ‘I owe it all to Lilian Bellamy,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how she persuaded Justin Elliott, the sponsor, to nominate me, but whatever she did, it worked!’  
• Ed Grundy of Grange Farm is now a qualified crop-sprayer after successfully completing a gruelling two-day course at Borchester College. ‘I’m so proud of him,’ said his mother Mrs Clarrie Grundy. ‘I’ve put his diploma on the wall, next to our William’s 25-metre swimming certificate and little George’s ‘I didn’t steal Granny Clarrie’s money like my Uncle Alf today’ sticker from school.’      

My Easter week, by Henry Titchener, aged 5 


I went to Daddy’s shop and made a pyramid with jam like in Egypt. In the car Daddy told me I was going to a new school where I would live with other boys and see Mummy and Daddy in the holidays. I told him I like adventures but I don’t really. He told me not to tell Mummy about it but Mrs Baines at school says secrets are bad.


Today Mummy and me and granny Ursula went to tea at my grandma Pat’s house. They were upset because I said I hated Mummy for sending me away. Mummy said Daddy was very bad and she shouted a lot. Then she went off in our car and grandma Pat went in her car with granny Ursula too. I played football with Granddad and Uncle Tom.


Mummy came to play with me today. I told her she was no fun because all she does is go to sleep and then go weird and she is going to send me away. Mummy cried and said that would never happen and I would live with her forever. I said what about Daddy and she said let’s play with your game now. I told Mummy I’d look after her and she cried some more.
Granny Ursula went home today. Mummy didn’t know so we didn’t say goodbye. I was glad. I liked her when she came because she gave me toys but now I don’t because her dinners aren’t nice and her teeth are funny.
I went to Grandma Pat’s. We made jam tarts. When I came home Mummy wasn’t crying. She said she had talked to someone on the phone and she was much better. She got Daddy to make supper.

Ask the Garden Expert 

Will you be out digging and planting this Easter weekend? We asked Rose Blight, manager of the Felpersham Garden Centre, to answer readers’ questions:

Q I’m opening my garden to the public in June and the prospect is, frankly, overwhelming. There is so much expectation on my shoulders; I can sense the whole village holding its breath. I feel like a Druid, faced with designing Stonehenge. Even choosing the lettering for my ‘Resurgam’ cornerstone is giving me sleepless nights. What should I do? Lyndy, Ambridge.

A: Don’t worry Lyndy! Take a deep breath and remember that when the public visit a garden, all they want is what we professionals call ‘see, tea and wee’. Give them a quick tour, then pop the kettle on and point them to the Portaloo behind the greenhouse. You’ll be fine!

Q: I’m opening my garden to the public in June as a memorial to my Queen, my late wife Freda. My friend Carol Tregorran suggested putting flowering annuals in my vegetable patch, to brighten the area up. What do you think? Bert, Brookfield.

A: It sounds lovely, Bert, but I know Carol, and I’d be a little bit cautious about letting her choose your plants. Members of the public might take them home to make soup, and we wouldn’t want any more fatal accidents, would we?

Crossword solution

If you’re still puzzling over the crossword in our March 6 issue, here are the answers! Thanks to ‘Ophelia’ for her clever compilation and apologies for the delay.
Across: 4. Footstool  6. Hoe  7. Jenny  9. Tea room  10. Call The Midwife  11. Freda Fry
Down: 1. Pat  2. Frozen pizza  3. Home Alone  5. Fairbrothers  8. Pillow talk


  1. Brilliant as usual! Reading a copy of the Observer makes life in Ambrige bearable.

  2. Thank you Caroline! Looking forward to reporting on Anneka Rice's visit to the village this week!