Wedding bells, cricket news and a new low for Brian

Ambridge prepares for wedding of the year!

The happy couple pose for their official engagement photo

Congratulations and good wishes poured in from local residents this week as one of Ambridge’s most popular couples announced their engagement.

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) and Fallon Rogers,  who runs the Bridge Farm tea room, say they will marry ‘probably after Brexit, once interest rates have risen enough to give us a decent return on our wedding  day savings account.’

‘I’ve already started collecting wedding ideas magazines,’ said Ms Rogers. ‘Moneywise, What Investment, Which? Money – I want my ISA to look absolutely perfect on the big day.’

 ‘I couldn’t be more excited,’ said PC Burns. ‘When we’re married, Fallon will have full entitlement to my occupational pension benefits, including the death-in-service element. And just think how much easier inheritance tax planning will be!’

The happy couple said they would be celebrating by drawing up a full and frank disclosure of assets.

‘Then we’ll have a party in the tea room for friends and family to watch us sign our pre-nuptial agreement,’ said PC Burns. ‘Obviously we won’t be providing any catering as we’re saving hard, but guests are more than welcome to bring their own glass of fizz to toast our happiness. Fallon has generously said she won’t be charging corkage.’

Faltering start to Ambridge season

Ambridge secured an easy victory over Waterley Cross in the first match of the 2018 campaign, despite being unable to field a full team for the entire match.

‘Roy Tucker was a last-minute absentee as he had a crisis with the linen delivery  at Grey Gables,’ said captain Harrison Burns. ‘Luckily, William Grundy was watching the match with his family – it was good to see him after everything he’s been through and we were grateful to him for stepping in.’

However, Ambridge relief was short-lived as a distracted Grundy was ineffectual with the bat and was out for a duck before refusing to field with the team after tea.

‘You’ll see,’ he muttered to our reporter as he left the ground. ‘Once I’ve taught our Jake to handle a shotgun, they’ll think twice before talking down to the Grundys! And don’t you say Jake’s not a Grundy – he’s mine, mine I tell you and I don’t care how much I have to spend on trainers, burgers and days out to make him see that!’

• In other cricket news, Ambridge’s women players say they are ‘very pleased’ with their new changing room (surely, Portakabin? Ed.). ‘Alistair Lloyd did a lovely job decorating, and you can see that Dan painted round the light sockets as they are very neat,’ said Lily Pargetter. ‘We’re not quite sure about the mural, which has a broken heart and ‘Shula – you heartless cow’ in bright red paint. But I’m sure we’ll get used to it.’

Charity appeal: Support for Seniors

This week, we’re asking for your support to help older people, who often feel left behind, under-appreciated and isolated, especially in rural communities. People like Brian, who gave his working life to the family farm. Now, in his early seventies, he finds himself ousted from his position on the board, his office, and even his marital bed. Just because he made a few mistakes, like poisoning the farm for cash and lying to his family about it for years.

Now, poor Brian cuts a sorry figure, nursing a half of Shires in the window seat of The Bull. He is depressed and resentful, and has been forced to cash in his shares in the Hungarian farming operation and consider selling chunks of the farm to pay the massive fine he is expecting from the Environment Agency.

Please help Brian to turn his life around by donating generously to our Summer appeal. Your cheque will go directly towards vital work such as keeping Brian’s cellar full of claret and his son at public school. Thank you.

 

Pet of the week

Name: Bertha

Breed: British bulldog

Temporary owner: Lynda Snell

Likes: Sleeping, chewing wasps

Dislikes: Walkies, waiting for din-dins

Do say: ‘She’s quite handsome in the right light’

Don’t say: ‘Lynda, what happened to the pretty little poodle you borrowed earlier in the week? And what is that hanging out of Bertha’s chops?’

Borsetshire Rural Cinema

Showing this week:  'Kenton and Shula'

Middle-aged twins Kenton and Shula decide to break out of their humdrum lives. They plot an escape route over hot chocolate and whipped cream and decide to take a souped-up convertible car on a test drive. In the badlands of the Borchester bypass Kenton tries to persuade Shula to spend her inheritance on the car and run away from her dull husband Alistair. But Shula is riven by guilt that she has leftover lamb casserole in the fridge and nervous about being caught by the local Speedwatch patrol. She sinks into a sulk and insists Kenton drive her back to the showroom. (Warning: may cause drowsiness).