Promotion for PC Burns, sits vac and she's no Lady

Gold star for local copper…

Borsetshire’s Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) is set for promotion, having been given permission to apply for his sergeant’s exams at a recent performance appraisal.

‘I admit I was surprised,’ a delighted PC Burns told a packed press briefing. ‘After all, I haven’t tracked down the rustlers who stole Ed Grundy’s cattle or Josh Archer’s low loader, or solved the burglaries at Jill Archer’s or Christine Barford’s houses, or identified the driver who knocked down Matt Crawford even though Joe Grundy as good as told me who it was.’ PC Burns also admitted he was also ‘no nearer’ finding out who set fire to the shed at Grange Farm at Wassail, or locating the missing bunting.

‘My boss said they were prepared to overlook my patchy clear-up record because my community relations skills are so good, and that’s what counts in policing these days,’ said PC Burns. ‘I do enjoy community relations, especially with the lovely Fallon Rogers, who I am delighted to say agreed to be my wife in front of all our friends at the pub quiz on Wednesday.

‘Fallon’s a cracker – would you like to see a picture? Oh no, not that one –oops. And would you mind handing out these flyers for the single wicket competition? It’s only three weeks away and I’ve been too busy taking out ISAs to do any publicity for it!’

… but no leads on village vandalism

The tenants at 1, The Green in Ambridge say they are ‘mystified’ about why someone threw a brick through their window on Wednesday night.

Johnny Phillips, who rents the house with Tom Archer, needed stitches to a head wound after being hit by broken glass in the incident.  Freddie Pargetter of Lower Loxley, and Hannah Riley, the new deputy manager of the pig unit at Berrow Farm, were also in the property at the time but were uninjured.

‘We’d all come back from the Bull after the quiz, so Hannah could have a look at our spare room as she needs somewhere to stay,’ said Mr Phillips. ‘Suddenly there was a crash and glass everywhere. We rushed outside but whoever it was had gone.’

Mr Pargetter said he had ‘no idea’ who was responsible. ‘Whatever you do, don’t link this to the fight that Johnny and I got into with Ellis at college last week,’ he said. ‘I do not deal drugs, like Ellis said, and this had absolutely nothing to do with it.’

 ‘Life-changing’ programme launched at Spiritual Home

Spiritual Home, Borsetshire’s leading holistic therapy centre, has announced a new summer programme, developed in partnership with Home Farm, Ambridge.

The six-week plan, known as ‘Fruit Loop Therapy’, claims to help participants lose weight, get fitter and gain strength by pushing their inner resources to the limit.

‘We are so passionate about the new transformational journey we have devised, that we would like as many people as possible to experience it,’ said Spiritual Home’s owner Kate Madikane. ‘In fact, it’s essential that they come, or all of our soft fruit will rot. But we appreciate this is something new and untried in the field of alternative therapies, so we are actually prepared to pay people to take part – at least until word-of-mouth works its magic and we can start charging.’

According to the Fruit Loop brochure, key aspects of the programme include:

 • 12 hours of intensive therapy every day in Home Farm’s purpose-built self-discovery zones, where you will collaborate with others on shared projects based on harvesting Nature’s bounty in the form of strawberries and other soft fruit.

• Mentors on hand to help you achieve and exceed your personal targets and to ensure your wellbeing by allowing you water breaks when convenient.

• Simple meals (one per day), home-cooked over an open fire.

• Accommodation in a charmingly retro sleeping pod, cleverly adapted with holes in the roof so you can see the stars.

• Peaceful sleep, lulled by the soothing rumble of hydraulic pumps as they purify the ponds at nearby Low Mead.

‘We are confident this programme gets results,’ said Ms Madikane. ‘In fact, it changes lives.  One of last year’s participants left her family in Bulgaria and  offered to be a surrogate mother to my brother’s child.’

Situations vacant

DOMESTIC HELP

Compassionate, capable Nanny required to help recently widowed gamekeeper  look after his little daughter and two older step-children, one of whom has just learned to use a shotgun. Easy-going, cheerful household (are you sure? Ed) as long as you don’t touch anything that belonged to his late wife. Daily visits to her grave required. Ability to work miracles essential, experience in custody battles desirable. Preference will be given to candidates called Maria, or Poppins.

Pet of the Week

Name: Lady

Breed: Bichon Frise

Temporary owner: Lynda Snell

Likes: posing for selfies, devouring books (especially delicious leather-bound volumes)

Dislikes: mud, prettier dogs

Do say: ‘Aren’t you as cute as a diamanté button?’

Don’t say: ‘Now that you’ve eaten Robert’s Silmarillion, could you make a start on the collected works of Jeffrey Archer?’