Exchange of insults threatens Home Farm deal
A land sale that would help save an
Ambridge farm from financial ruin was nearly derailed this week after bitter
exchanges between two key players.
Borchester Land’s chairman, Martyn Gibson,
said he was pulling out of a deal to buy 300 acres of arable land from Brian
Aldridge of Home Farm, after he claimed his wife Pamela had been ‘grossly
insulted’ by Mr Aldridge’s wife Jennifer.
‘Mrs Aldridge accosted my wife in Underwoods
department store and told her her hairstyle looked like an electrocuted hedgehog,’
he claimed. ‘No one insults the wife of the new Borchester Land chairman in
this way. The sale is off.’
Contacted by the Ambridge Observer, Mrs Aldridge did not deny the claim. ‘Pam Gibson
started it by asking if I was in Underwoods looking for a job,’ she said. ‘The
cheek of the woman! She’s just jealous that her husband wasn’t Borsetshire
Businessperson of the Year, even if it was only for 24 hours.’
• Stop press: the land sale is now reported
to be back on, after shuttle diplomacy between the two parties by peace envoy
Justin Elliott, armed with tickets to a Nigel Kennedy concert for Mr and Mrs
Aldridge, and a voucher for Fabrice of Felpersham for Mrs Gibson.
Women’s Institute members ‘outraged’ by fitness classes swap
Kate Madikane, owner of holistic retreat
Spiritual Home, has apologised to Ambridge W.I. after a mix-up that saw their
over-50s yoga class invaded by a herd of goats.
‘I’ve never seen anything like it,’ said
one member. ‘The goats were roaming round the hall, eating anything in sight –
one lady nearly lost her green woolly leg warmers. The smell was terrible and I
dread to think what they’ve done to the parquet floor.’
Ms Madikane said she would pay for any
damage. ‘I had asked Californian fitness guru Nani Kidd to visit Spiritual Home
to trial her goat yoga classes, but unfortunately the goat supplier sent the
animals to the village hall,’ she said. ‘I can appreciate it would have been a
shock if you had only just got used to a downward dog.’
Ambridge Village Shop: Product recall
Shoppers are asked to return any products
they have bought in Ambridge Village Stores recently if they were not served
with an appropriate insult at the time of purchase. ‘It’s a new policy,’ said
manager Mrs Carter. ‘Now that my Neil is a manager, I see no need to hold my
tongue if I disapprove of customers’ moral choices. Anyone who is doing wrong,
in my opinion, will get a thick piece of my mind along with their ready meal
for one or packet of chocolate Bourbons. I tried it on Alistair Lloyd and felt much
better afterwards.’
Coffee break with… Russell Jones
In
our occasional series of interviews with readers who have interesting jobs, we
catch up with the deputy principal of Borchester College.
Q Thank you for talking to us, Mr Jones. Exam time must be very busy
for you?
A Yes – but we’re very proud of our pastoral care here at the
college. And call me Russ. All the students do; I like to relate to them more
as a friend than a teacher, you know? I find young female students respond
especially well to an informal touch.
Q Doesn’t that make it more difficult if there are disciplinary
issues to deal with?
A Oh no. The better you know your students, the more you understand
what makes them tick. I can usually make a student see where his or her best
interests lie, and mostly we resolve any awkward situations between us, without
having to bother the principal, if you know what I mean.
Q You teach art, but do you have responsibilities for students who
don’t take your subject?
A Oh yes. I seek out young people who may be vulnerable – a female
student who has lost a parent, for example. I’m no father figure – far too cool
for that, though I say it myself – but I find I can make a connection that we
both find very fulfilling.
Q How you do balance
your work and family life?
A It’s tough, but
teaching is a vocation and my wife is fine with that. She knows if I’m late
home, it’s because I’m out counselling
a student on a one-to-one basis. I find once you get them off school premises –
to a country pub for instance – they really open up. It’s very rewarding. And my wife has her
hands full with the kids!
Ask Auntie Satya
With her warm wit and forensic legal
skills, Auntie Satya is here to sort out all your emotional and practical
dilemmas!
Dear
Auntie Satya,
Last week I had a one-night stand with a
local vet – I’m not sure why, except my bridge
club had been cancelled. A couple of days later, I rang him because my
schnauzer was off-colour. But before I could say a word he blurted out that he wasn’t
ready for a relationship and asked me not to contact him again! I couldn’t care
two hoots about that – to be honest he was rather, shall we say, underwhelming
– but it would be very inconvenient to find another vet. What would you advise?
Lavinia.
Dear
Lavinia,
I suggest you take your dog round to the
surgery and insist that the vet examine her. If he looks nervous, suggest that
he leaves the door open or asks his nurse to chaperone. This will reassure him
of your intentions and put your relationship back on a professional footing.
Dear
Auntie Satya,
I have recently separated from my wife and
in a moment of madness, allowed myself to be seduced by a lady from the local
hunt. She is a quite attractive blonde with a Range Rover Evoque but not my
kind of woman and anyway I am not ready for another relationship. So when she
rang me, I made that very clear. But I am worried I have upset her and I don’t
want to lose her business (I am a vet). What would you advise? Alistair.
Dear
Alistair,
I would ring this lady and say that, while
you were spending time together, you couldn’t help noticing that her schnauzer
was looking under the weather, and that you have an appointment free if she
would like to bring the dog to the surgery.
When she arrives, leave the consulting room door open and ask your nurse
to chaperone. This will be a clear signal to the lady that you would like your
relationship to resume its professional basis. It may go more smoothly than you
think.
Dear
Auntie Satya,
I recently made the brave and difficult
decision to tell my husband I no longer love him. It has been so hard for me as
no one seems to understand how guilty I feel, even though I have to do what is
right for me. Now he has betrayed me by having a one-night stand with a mutual
friend, and says he is consulting a solicitor about divorce, even though I
generously allowed him to move back into the spare room. Why do you think he is
being so cold?
Dear
Shula,
I am sorry to hear you are upset. But if
you read through your letter again, I think you will find you have answered
your own question.