Sunday, 28 May 2017

Justin plots, Pip moves out and Johnny gets lucky: a week of shocks in Ambridge

Shock as piggery plans are leaked  

Borchester Land is readying plans to house more than 15,000 pigs and 500 breeding sows on the site of the Berrow Farm mega-dairy, The Ambridge Observer can exclusively reveal.
It’s believed that Justin Elliott and Brian Aldridge were aiming to sneak the plans past residents next week, while environmental activist Lynda Snell is away celebrating her birthday in Florence.
But thanks to our source, who overheard the BL board members talking while   PAT-testing kettles in the fruit pickers’ caravans at Home Farm, we can report that the huge indoor pig unit could be up and running within a few months.
It is believed that much of the infrastructure for an intensive livestock operation is still in place, with the anaerobic digester ready to handle the vast amounts of slurry that would be generated.
Borchester Land initially refused our requests for a statement, and Brian Aldridge was unavailable as he was acting as temporary co-ordinator for the Speedwatch scheme, according to his wife Jennifer. ‘Oh dear, I was afraid this would get out,’ she said. ‘I won’t be able to go to the shops now without someone button-holing me about this. And poor Lynda! She was looking forward to enjoying the Chiostro dello Scalzo (what this? Ed) without a care in the world, and now she’ll be coming back to a sea of – well, you know!’
However, as The Ambridge Observer went to press, Mr Elliott issued a comment.
‘Residents of Ambridge have no need to be concerned,’ he said. ‘It is in my own interests to look after beautiful surroundings. This is why I have arranged for a forestry contractor to manage the Millennium Wood, where my fiancée Lilian and I love to walk and ride, and why I am siting the pig unit at Berrow Farm, where I never go unless I have to and where the only neighbours are a light engineering firm and Price Baumann with their ridiculous drones.’

 Single wicket hots up

This year’s Ambridge Single Wicket contest, on Bank Holiday Monday, is set to be more competitive than ever. The event is being targeted by female cricketers who feel they have a point to prove after being left out of several matches already this season.
‘The girls are taking it very seriously,’ said one insider. ‘Lily Pargetter is having private coaching with Johnny Phillips, and Anisha Jayakody has lined up Barry Simmons to help with her bowling. It looks like there’s some needle between those two, but my money’s on Anisha. After cheating to beat Jazzer in a drinking contest, who knows what she’d do to get her mitts on the Mark Hebden trophy?’

Scruff Gin readies marketing push

Jolene and Kenton Archer of The Bull are investing a ‘three-figure sum’ to promote Scruff Gin, the artisan brand produced by Toby Fairbrother at Hollowtree. The spend is believed to include posters, coasters (rewrite to avoid rhyme. Who do you think you are – Pam Ayres? Ed) cocktail umbrellas and a loyalty card scheme (pictured).

‘If customers buy nine bottles of Scruff, the tenth is on us!’ said Kenton Archer. ‘We have a slight logistical issue as Toby has only made eight bottles so far, but we’re sure there’s plenty more in the pipeline.’
‘I’ve defined a clear profile of my target customer,’ said Mr Fairbrother. ‘She’s a young, confident farmer, sure of herself, very sexy, with the sun streaming through her blonde hair as she drains a tractor sump… That’s my Scruff girl! And this scheme is designed to get her so drunk she won’t even remember that she dumped me.’

Speedwatch team file first reports

As the first Speedwatch patrols begin operations in Ambridge, Borsetshire Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) has released a sample report to show just how effective it is proving. ‘It is a shame there were no actual offences recorded, but I am pleased to see my deputy Derek Fletcher performed his monitoring duties very well,’ said scheme co-ordinator Mrs Lynda Snell.

Wednesday May 24
Patrol: Mrs J. Aldridge, Mrs L. Bellamy
6.30pm Arrive at monitoring station
6.45pm Erect warning sign (hard to get the hang of it)
6.50pm Derek Fletcher
6.53pm Gemma Hawkins, looking vexed
6.55pm Speeding car – 37 mph! Reg number TAB? TAV? Sorry…
7.00pm Derek Fletcher again
7.03pm Tea break
7.10pm Derek Fletcher again
7.15pm Adam Macy on his way home. Coo-ee, Adam!
7.20pm Usha Franks, working late, poor thing
7.29pm 43 m.p.h PC Harrison Burns
The rest of this report has been redacted by the Borsetshire Rural Crime Unit.

From the message boards

This week we drop in on the Ambridge Teen Forum, to see what the younger generation are chatting about online…

• OMG!! I asked Amber to go to the Isle of Wight Festival with me and she said yes! Seems she’s a massive David Guetta fan. Haven’t told her about sharing a tent yet but I’m sure we’ll get on OK. Thanks Lily! If you’d not pushed me into it I’d never have asked her. JohnnyP.
• Oh right, so Amber’s the lucky girl, is she? Don’t tell her you’ve no idea who David Guetta is and you’ll be doing dad-dancing to Rod Stewart! And does she know you smell of cow-(moderated. Check the board rules, guys.) Naomi.
• Naomi, you OK hun? I know it’s hard but Johnny isn’t the right boy for you. Don’t worry, I’ll find you someone much more in your league. Lily P.
• Amber? Talk about out of your league Johnny! I don’t know why you couldn’t take me. Except I’m stuck in Exam Hell and mother would kill me if I went off to a festival. She hates them. And we all know why. Freddie P.
• That’s enough, Freddie. Anyway, it will be more fun at home now that Pip is coming to stay. You can play her your Rag’n’Bone Man album and pretend you’re at the festival. And I can’t wait to get my hands on her hair! She’s a lovely woman, but a stranger to the hot brush. Lily P.

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

My husband Neil and I would like to thank everyone who sent their best wishes for his 60th birthday last week, and especially the bell ringers of St Stephen’s for the surprise quarter peal. A lot of people have remarked how well Neil looks for his age and have asked what his secret is. So I thought your readers might like to try his favourite supper. The recipe always puts a smile on his face!

Hot ‘n’ bothered chilli

Serves 2 with plenty of seconds

250g lean, masterful mince
450g tin full of beans
1 big hunk of spicy sausage
450g juicy tomatoes (pommes d’amour)
Chilli oil, as hot as you dare
1 sexy stockman cube
Pinch of cumin get it

Stir all the ingredients together and leave to simmer while hubby gets his cocktail shaker out and rustles up a Dirty Banana. Serve with nothing but a smile.

Yours sincerely,

Susan Carter (Mrs), Ambridge View.

Situation vacant

Not-too-personal assistant

Businessman, based in Borsetshire and London, but not that wealthy so don’t get ideas, is looking for someone to manage his correspondence and schedule. This is purely a desk-based role so do not imagine for one second you will be accompanying him to parties or the races. Would suit a no-nonsense, experienced PA, devoid of charisma or personality. Halitosis an advantage. Apply to Lilian Bellamy, the employer’s fiancée, to whom he is totally and permanently committed, c/o The Dower House, Ambridge.  


  1. Love Lilian's ad! Always good fun to read on a Sunday.

    1. Thanks Barbara! Wonder who Lilian will let Justin choose?

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. PAT testing kettles....😂😂😂

    1. Ah yes, the trials of being a landlord... Thank you!!

  4. Ed is wrong, Pam Ayers would be proud of "Too much Scruff makes you feel rough"
    The best I can manage is :-
    "A Scruff gin and tonic turned Pip platonic"

    1. Very fine... and just as accurate! Thanks for reading...!

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