Saturday, 3 June 2017

Ruairi’s a hit and Justin’s in the… a busy week in Ambridge!

Elliott defends Berrow Farm plan

Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital, has been forced to defend his planned development in Ambridge following an impassioned protest by Kirsty Miller at last Friday’s Parish Council meeting.
‘We are aware that not everyone wants this kind of scheme as their near neighbour,’ he told the Ambridge Observer.  ‘But I do not need Ms Miller to tell me that families who need affordable housing are intelligent, inquisitive and playful, with a keen sense of smell. I can assure her they will be housed in airy conditions, in units built to strict environmental regulations. Actually, research shows that when well managed, they do not suffer by living in closely-packed  housing, and their desire to see the sky or rootle in the soil is vastly overstated.   And of course, all their slurry will be disposed of in the anaerobic digester, minimising the chance of pollution in the surrounding area.’
(Note to subs: can you check these quotes with Justin’s PR? Not too sure he’s on message here. Ed.)

Surprise winner of Single Wicket

Chris Carter emerged as the winner of this year’s Ambridge Single Wicket Competition after a closely fought final against Ruairi Donovan. But it was Ruairi, dubbed ‘the Silent Assassin’ by the crowd, who surprised spectators with his stylish stroke play. ‘It doesn’t seem like five minutes since he was a sad little chap, dragging round his smelly old Mousie and being ignored by everyone,’ said one. ‘But you should see him now! They must be giving him extra Weetabix at that boarding school. And he was quite a hit with the ladies.  Even Tracy Horrobin had a glint in her eye. Mind you, she always has a glint in her eye.’
The other surprise of the annual contest for the Mark Hebden Memorial Trophy was the performance of Ambridge’s female cricketers. Both Anisha Jayakody and Lily Pargetter reached the semi-finals, and Lily caused the upset of the day by giving captain Harrison Burns his marching orders in the first round, thanks to an excellent catch by Johnny Phillips.  
‘I’m really pleased for the women,’ said Ms Jayakody. ‘Lily’s made up for her disastrous innings that lost us the match against Wimberton. Although of course that was a league match, and this was just for fun. That’s why I don’t mind not winning. Not really.’ 

Ask Auntie Satya

With her warm wit and forensic legal skills, Auntie Satya is on hand to sort out all your practical and emotional dilemmas!

Dear Auntie Satya,

A property developer, who happens to be engaged to my sister-in-law, wants to buy one of our fields so he can build some houses on it. But my daughter, who doesn’t yet know about his offer, is insisting on supporting her friend, who is passionately opposed to his plan to build a large intensive pig unit in the village. It’s all rather awkward. What should I do? Pat.

Dear Pat, 

In your longer letter, you tell me you are very protective towards your daughter because of the difficulties she has had. But it is time you realised she is no longer a child. Tell her about the developer’s offer. When she hears the details, I am sure she will come up with a million reasons why she isn’t able to support her friend.

Dear Auntie Satya,

I broke up with my boyf a while ago and hoped we could stay friends – you know, hanging out, texting, RTing each other’s jokes and stuff. Tbh, I get bored working all day on the farm and it’s fun to hear from him. But now he tells me it’s agony for him to stand by while I’m having a laugh about relief milking with my friend Todd, and he wants to unfriend me on Facebook. AIBTU to think he’s being mean? Pip.

Dear Pip,

I must admit I found your letter a little hard to decipher. But I consulted my friend Indira, who is more familiar with the vernacular of social media than I. And yes, To Be Honest, I do think you are Being Totally Unreasonable in thinking he is mean. Indira tells me that ‘RTing a joke’ is an indication of approval, which is likely to make the poor young man feel he still has a chance with you. However, neither Indira or I can think of anything remotely amusing about relief milking, so if you and Todd find it funny, perhaps you would be better to recruit him as your next boyf and consign your ex to history, on Facebook and IRL (is that right, Indira?)

Dear Auntie Satya,

I have come to Ambridge to work in polytunnels and live in caravan but I am first time away from my family and I am sad. Then at welcome BBQ I meet young man called Josh who give me beer and show me his website with lots of pictures of tractors, just like at home in Ukraine. Do you think he is good young man for me? Sonja.

Dear Sonja,

It is natural to be homesick, but do not let yourself be flattered by this young man’s attention. From what I know of him, he is probably more interested in you as an employee than as a girlfriend. If you are not careful, you will find yourself scrubbing rust off old farm machinery for less than the minimum wage, and I am sure this is not the rich cultural experience you had in mind.



  1. Has anyone heard from Will Grundy recently?
    I heard that he was re-training as a dental hygienist in Pontefract ...

    1. Have you signed his online petition to have women banned from village cricket teams? It's got three signatures so far...

  2. Brilliant... tractors, Ukraine, I can see a novel in there.

    1. Can you really? I'll pass that on to Lavinia Catwater... :-) Thank you for commenting!!

  3. Please could you pass on a message to Josh that the website on his poster is wrong doesn't go anywhere - plus the idiot says "call us now" without giving a number! I know the lad is busy but he's not going to drum up any business if he carries on like this.

  4. I will pass the message on, but he'll blame it all on Rex as usual... have you got a baler to sell? Ebay might be a better bet...

  5. "‘But I do not need Ms Miller to tell me that families who need affordable housing are intelligent, inquisitive and playful, "

    Oh dear, where are the quote thingies? well, done my best. 'Playful families...' Oh dear, haven't I suffered enough. Apols,it has been a troubling week. Normal service may resume tomorrow and I might read more of TAR.