Elliott defends Berrow Farm plan
Justin Elliott, chairman of Damara Capital,
has been forced to defend his planned development in Ambridge following an
impassioned protest by Kirsty Miller at last Friday’s Parish Council meeting.
‘We are aware that not everyone wants this
kind of scheme as their near neighbour,’ he told the Ambridge Observer. ‘But I do
not need Ms Miller to tell me that families who need affordable housing are
intelligent, inquisitive and playful, with a keen sense of smell. I can assure
her they will be housed in airy conditions, in units built to strict
environmental regulations. Actually, research shows that when well managed,
they do not suffer by living in closely-packed housing, and their desire to see the sky or
rootle in the soil is vastly overstated.
And of course, all their slurry will be disposed of in the anaerobic
digester, minimising the chance of pollution in the surrounding area.’
(Note
to subs: can you check these quotes with Justin’s PR? Not too sure he’s on
message here. Ed.)
Surprise winner of Single Wicket
Chris Carter emerged as the winner of
this year’s Ambridge Single Wicket Competition after a closely fought final
against Ruairi Donovan. But it was Ruairi, dubbed ‘the Silent Assassin’ by the crowd, who surprised spectators with his stylish stroke play. ‘It doesn’t
seem like five minutes since he was a sad little chap, dragging round his
smelly old Mousie and being ignored by everyone,’ said one. ‘But you should see
him now! They must be giving him extra Weetabix at that boarding school. And he
was quite a hit with the ladies. Even
Tracy Horrobin had a glint in her eye. Mind you, she always has a glint in her
eye.’
The other surprise of the annual contest
for the Mark Hebden Memorial Trophy was the performance of Ambridge’s female
cricketers. Both Anisha Jayakody and Lily Pargetter reached the semi-finals,
and Lily caused the upset of the day by giving captain Harrison Burns his
marching orders in the first round, thanks to an excellent catch by Johnny
Phillips.
‘I’m really pleased for the women,’ said Ms
Jayakody. ‘Lily’s made up for her disastrous innings that lost us the match
against Wimberton. Although of course that was a league match, and this was
just for fun. That’s why I don’t mind not winning. Not really.’
Ask Auntie Satya
With her warm wit and forensic legal
skills, Auntie Satya is on hand to sort out all your practical and emotional
dilemmas!
Dear Auntie Satya,
A property developer, who happens to be
engaged to my sister-in-law, wants to buy one of our fields so he can build
some houses on it. But my daughter, who doesn’t yet know about his offer, is
insisting on supporting her friend, who is passionately opposed to his plan to
build a large intensive pig unit in the village. It’s all rather awkward. What
should I do? Pat.
Dear Pat,
In your longer letter, you tell me you are
very protective towards your daughter because of the difficulties she has had.
But it is time you realised she is no longer a child. Tell her about the
developer’s offer. When she hears the details, I am sure she will come up with
a million reasons why she isn’t able to support her friend.
Dear Auntie Satya,
I broke up with my boyf a while ago and
hoped we could stay friends – you know, hanging out, texting, RTing each
other’s jokes and stuff. Tbh, I get bored working all day on the farm and it’s
fun to hear from him. But now he tells me it’s agony for him to stand by while
I’m having a laugh about relief milking with my friend Todd, and he wants to
unfriend me on Facebook. AIBTU to think he’s being mean? Pip.
Dear Pip,
I must admit I found your letter a little
hard to decipher. But I consulted my friend Indira, who is more familiar with
the vernacular of social media than I. And yes, To Be Honest, I do think you
are Being Totally Unreasonable in thinking he is mean. Indira tells me that
‘RTing a joke’ is an indication of approval, which is likely to make the poor
young man feel he still has a chance with you. However, neither Indira or I can
think of anything remotely amusing about relief milking, so if you and Todd
find it funny, perhaps you would be better to recruit him as your next boyf and
consign your ex to history, on Facebook and IRL (is that right, Indira?)
Dear Auntie Satya,
I have come to Ambridge to work in
polytunnels and live in caravan but I am first time away from my family and I
am sad. Then at welcome BBQ I meet young man called Josh who give me beer and
show me his website with lots of pictures of tractors, just like at home in
Ukraine. Do you think he is good young man for me? Sonja.
Dear Sonja,
It is natural to be homesick, but do not
let yourself be flattered by this young man’s attention. From what I know of
him, he is probably more interested in you as an employee than as a girlfriend.
If you are not careful, you will find yourself scrubbing rust off old farm
machinery for less than the minimum wage, and I am sure this is not the rich
cultural experience you had in mind.
Has anyone heard from Will Grundy recently?
ReplyDeleteI heard that he was re-training as a dental hygienist in Pontefract ...
Have you signed his online petition to have women banned from village cricket teams? It's got three signatures so far...
DeleteBrilliant... tractors, Ukraine, I can see a novel in there.
ReplyDeleteCan you really? I'll pass that on to Lavinia Catwater... :-) Thank you for commenting!!
DeletePlease could you pass on a message to Josh that the website on his poster is wrong www.amfarmachines.com doesn't go anywhere - plus the idiot says "call us now" without giving a number! I know the lad is busy but he's not going to drum up any business if he carries on like this.
ReplyDeleteI will pass the message on, but he'll blame it all on Rex as usual... have you got a baler to sell? Ebay might be a better bet...
ReplyDelete"‘But I do not need Ms Miller to tell me that families who need affordable housing are intelligent, inquisitive and playful, "
ReplyDeleteOh dear, where are the quote thingies? well, done my best. 'Playful families...' Oh dear, haven't I suffered enough. Apols,it has been a troubling week. Normal service may resume tomorrow and I might read more of TAR.
Wottawek.