Shop reveals a new way to say it
The Ambridge village shop is launching a new range of
greetings cards that it claims is more relevant to customers’ “complex modern
lives”.
‘Sometimes you need a special card for those occasions when
you can’t quite find the words,’ said retail manager Susan Carter.
‘For example, I’m expecting a run on this ‘Hooray! Free at Last!’ card, now that
Helen Archer’s decree absolute has come through. I did consider stocking: ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than
live with the psycho the rest of your life’, but decided against it on
taste grounds.
‘And of course there’s this one: ‘Congratulations on your divorce and your engagement!’ (pictured).
‘And this one will do well: ‘I’m really so terribly, awfully, dreadfully sorry’. You can
personalise it, so for instance you can add ‘Mum
and Dad’ if you’re Pip Archer, or ‘Peggy’
if you’re Brian Aldridge. Actually, I’m hoping Brian will place a bulk order
because he’s got so many people to apologise to after running over Peggy’s cat.’
Mrs Carter said she monitors village events carefully in
order to choose just the right cards for her customers to express their
sentiments to each other.
‘After Friday night, I think I’ll order a few ‘Sorry the relationship everyone thought was
the worst decision of your life has ended’ for Pip’s friends and family,’
she said. ‘And I suppose someone might want to send a ‘Bad luck old chap, plenty more fish in the sea,’ card to Toby
Fairbrother, but frankly I doubt it.’
Tech firm offers exciting overview
Local tech start-up Price Baumann is offering local farmers
a free aerial survey of their crops in order to demonstrate how versatile its
drone technology can be. ‘People think it’s only for barley barons like my
father Brian, who take days to cross their fields in a tractor, but actually
even old-fashioned meadow-lovers like my brother Adam can benefit too,’ said
sales executive (Midlands and West region) Alice Carter.
‘The thing is, if you’ve got cattle grazing a species-rich
pasture, the grazing will change the composition of the pasture over time and
that will affect the performance of the cattle,’ she said. ‘With a drone, you
can whizz up and see what’s going on, in time to sow some more of those seed
thingies, or whatever it is you do.’
Mrs Carter said she hoped to offer the free service to Eddie
Grundy of Grange Farm, to investigate his Site of Special Scientific Interest (SSSI).
‘Jill Archer told me it’s a terrible muddy mess, when Lower Loxley’s meadow,
which is very similar, is looking lovely,’ she said. ‘I’m sure a drone camera
could spot what’s going on straightaway.’
Contacted by the Ambridge
Observer, Mr Grundy said he was ‘not interested’ in Price Baumann’s offer.
‘A drone won’t find anything wrong with my SSSI, not even the pigs that were
never on it,’ he said. ‘All it needs is a packet of mixed annuals and a squirt
of Miracle Gro. Alice Carter can mind her own business and I’ll get my Will to
shoot down any UFO that invades our air space.’
Letter to the Editor
Dear Madam,
Some of your readers may already know that Mrs Peggy
Woolley’s cat Bill was very sadly run over and killed by a car in Ambridge this
week. Poor Bill had been struggling with food issues and was unfortunately too
portly to evade the speeding vehicle.
Naturally the thoughts of the whole village are with Mrs
Woolley and her house-mate Christine Barford, who was so upset she refused to
eat and had to be talked down from her room by Jill Archer with a plate of
scones.
But I am pleased to report that some good is set to come out
of their tragic loss.
Overcome with sympathy – he told me he could not imagine how
awful the driver of the car would be feeling – Brian Aldridge, his wife
Jennifer, daughter Kate and sister-in-law Lilian have all volunteered to join
the Speedwatch team that will monitor the appalling level of dangerous driving
that is currently afflicting the village. I hope that many more people will
follow their example and join us. Only when every single Ambridge resident is
out on the streets with hi-vis gilet, speed gun and clipboard will we end this
scourge! And poor Bill will not have died in vain.
Yours faithfully,
Lynda Snell, Ambridge Hall. (Note to subs: do not head this letter ‘Dead cat bounce’. Ed)
The Trials of… Anisha Jayakody
In the first chapter of our NEW romantic summer saga, by
award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our heroine realises that love is not
such an easy game to play…
‘So, Anisha! How was your week?’ Rex’s warm brown eyes
twinkled at her as he carefully completed his pre-run stretches. She couldn’t
help but notice his well-muscled shape under the faded rugby club tracksuit.
‘Oh, you know – up and down,’ she grinned. ‘Dead cat on
Tuesday – shame, but I’d told Mrs Woolley his fat would kill him one way or
another. But I had a really interesting chat with Matt Crawford about race
horses yesterday. He reckons his contact Latif Hussein, who’s a big owner,
might be looking for a new vet.’
‘Wow! I’m impressed!’ Rex re-tied his trainers in a neat
double knot. ‘But isn’t that a bit… ambitious?’
‘Ach, jings, man, ye sound like Alistair! Ambition’s my
middle name, ye ken!’ Anisha was hopping up and down on the spot, keen to be
away. ‘Come on Rex, loser buys the first round!’
*
Anisha stretched like a cat (obviously a much slimmer one
than Bill) on Bert’s comfy old sofa. ‘Down time, Anisha. Give that fierce
ambition a night off!’ she told herself. Rex bounded in from the kitchen
carrying plates, cutlery and paper towels. ‘Pizza’s on its way, film’s ready –
enjoy!’ he said, sitting down close to her on the sofa. ‘And we’ve got the
place to ourselves. Toby and Pip will be in the pub for hours…’ He leaned
towards her, and she took in his warm scent of aftershave and liniment. ‘Oh,
Rex, I….’
Crash! The front door was kicked open and Toby burst in. ‘OK
bro, you win. She dumped me!’ he yelled. ‘The sensible, reasonable one gets his
way as usual. Pip’s all yours matey!’
Anisha looked on, horrified, as the brothers squared up to
each other. ‘What’s up, Rex?’ she asked. ‘Surely you can’t prefer that feckless
farm girl, with very unsound views on Brexit, to a feisty, ambitious Glaswegian
like me?’ Rex turned towards her, and there was an awful moment of silence as
she saw the truth in his eyes…
*
‘Well actually Anisha, Pip is a jolly fine farmer!’ Rex’s
nostrils flared in indignation, like an angry Irish cob. Two high spots of
colour appeared on his cheekbones. ‘And
we did almost have a thing once, except first she was soppy about Matthew and
then she snogged Akash at Alice’s party and then she got off with Toby. But
honestly, I’ve forgotten all about that. I can’t even remember exactly what
shade of blue her eyes are now – I’ll have to check the picture by the side of
my bed…. Wait, Anisha! Where are you going? What about the pizza?’
But Anisha had grabbed her jacket and rushed out, pushing
past Toby, who was glugging Bert’s tonic wine straight from the bottle.
In the chilly dark air outside, realisation struck her like
a blow. What a fool she’d been! To think she’d nearly fallen for a failure like
Rex – a taxi driver, for God’s sake! – who’d rather be with dull old Pip than a
bright, feisty, independent, high-flying Glaswegian with a gift for equine
enucleation! ‘Ach! Ah cannae be arsed wi yon bawbag! Not wi’ tuna on his pizza
an’ all,’ she said aloud as she marched back to Blossom Hill Cottage. Thrusting
her hands in her pockets, she found Matt Crawford’s business card. Now there
was a man blazing with ambition, like her! Would he still be up at this hour,
she wondered…
To be continued….
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