River Am in ‘mystery poison’ scare
Borsetshire
Wildlife Trust (BWT) has blamed ‘irresponsible hipsters’ for polluting the
watercourse after a number of small animals were found in distress near the
river Am.
‘We found voles,
moles and a hedgehog all in trouble,’ said a spokesperson. ‘The poor creatures
were staggering around, coughing and struggling to breathe; it was
heartbreaking to see.’
BWT tested
a puddle near where the victims were found but couldn’t identify the toxic
substance they’d ingested. ‘When we fed the chemical analysis into the computer
a big skull and crossbones filled the screen and the machine shut down,’ said
the spokesperson.
‘Fortunately,
thanks to a tip-off from Bert Fry of Brookfield, we traced the pollution back
to Rickyard Cottage, where a young man in a dressing gown, who described
himself as ‘a billionaire in training’ said he was making ‘artisan country
drinks’ using industrial alcohol and poisonous herbs.
‘Of course,
the results were unspeakably foul so he and his sidekick, a young farmer who
ought to know better, just emptied the bottles down by the Am. Absolutely
shocking. They could have killed a horse.’
Toby
Fairbrother, who is staying at Rickyard Cottage, was unavailable for comment as
he is believed to have taken more samples of the drinks down to Brighton for
‘experiential marketing purposes’. BWT said it had warned the East Sussex
authorities.
Police reassure public over ‘clipboard woman’
Borsetshire’s
Rural Crime Unit (PC Harrison Burns) said he had found ‘nothing suspicious’
after following up reports about a mystery woman who had been knocking on doors
and approaching cars in Ambridge.
‘I thought
at first it might be an attempted distraction burglary,’ PC Burns said at a
press briefing. ‘You know, a young woman knocks at the front door claiming to
be carrying out a survey, and her accomplice nips in round the back for the
valuables. I’d love a case or two like that in Ambridge. It’s been a bit quiet
since Blossom Hill Cottage.
‘But it
turns out the young woman with a clipboard was only Alice Carter, who was
trying to get people to take part in the Ambridge panto. She said she was
‘desperate’ as the only person who’d turned up to audition was Rob Titchener.
‘I had a
word with Mrs Carter about not harrassing people, but I felt a bit sorry for
her,’ PC Burns said. ‘Lynda Snell will be furious when she finds out Mother Goose will be a one-man show with
no audience.
‘But every
cloud has a silver lining. I’ve approached Lynda about staging ‘Gladioli All
Over’, my tribute to The Smiths, as a Christmas production. I think Ambridge is
ready.’
Your week in the stars
Janet
Planet, resident of Penny Hassett and astrologer to royalty (are you sure? Ed) reveals what the
future has in store…
Aquarius
Lovelorn
Aquarians have a dilemma this week. Should you confess to your date that you’ve
cheated on your wife with your boss, which she has said would put her off any
new partner? (not unreasonably. Ed)
Or should you keep quiet and hope your signed Pet Shop Boys album and rented
dog will win her heart?
Gemini
Loved ones
have your best interests at heart this week, so try to forgive them when they
swap your pasty-and-crisps lunches for pasta salad. You may have a few hunger
pangs in the afternoon, but once you’ve lost those love-handles you can expect
some super-hot chilli at night!
Cancer
Problems at
work loom this week, especially if your autumn-sown crops are looking a bit
ropy. Beware a new boss who seems to find fault with everything and gets under
that sensitive Cancerian skin of yours by making snide remarks about your private life. But don’t run him down with your new
no-till drill, no matter how tempting it may be.
The Trials of… Rex Fairbrother
In the latest chapter of our romantic autumn
saga, by award-winning novelist Lavinia Catwater, our hero must choose between
ambition and his heart’s desire…
‘Oh, please
Rex – pretty please, you fit, handsome, talented young man!’ In spite of
himself, he had to smile. Alice Carter was persuasive enough, her eyes shining
as brightly as her stainless steel clipboard. But if only it were Pip speaking
those words to him… he would do anything she asked. Anything at all… ‘OK,
Alice,’ he said. ‘I suppose Mother Goose
might be a chance to promote the family poultry business… I’ll see you at the
audition.’
But even as
he signed her cast list, the word ‘family’ stuck in his throat. He’d heard
nothing from Toby since their brawl in The Bull. It seemed his brother was happy
not just to steal the love of his life, but to abandon their business without a
backward glance. Perhaps he was just destined to be alone, alone forever…
*
Michael
Jackson’s Thriller was booming out as
Rex made his way to the bar. He pushed past
Neville Booth, dressed as Uncle Fester, who was feeding crisps to two
zombie showgirls, who turned out to be the Button sisters.
He looked
round for Pip, but there was no sign. Could she really have been cruel enough
to invite him and not turn up? Then suddenly there she was, wearing a black binliner
and wellies, a huge plastic spider stuck on her hair. She’d never looked
lovelier. ‘Hey Rex! Happy Hallowe’en! Take off that fright mask, yeah? Oops –
sorry. It’s your face!’ she giggled. ‘Yeah,
bro, you’re scaring Tilly Button!’ There was Toby, wearing a ridiculous goose
costume. Was he deliberately taunting him? Had Alice signed him up for the
panto too? The thought was unbearable, but suddenly a blood-curdling roar
ripped through the bar. ‘Heh heh heh! Let’s put a smile on that face! Happy
Hallowe’en!’
Everyone
turned towards the thickset man, dressed in menacing black, wearing the
grotesque grinning mask of The Joker. The crowd fell away as he approached the
bar and tore the mask off. There was an audible gasp round the room. Rob
Titchener! ‘Come on Kenton! It’s only me, come to take part in the fun! I could
murder a pint of Shires!’
Rex had had
enough. Toby was comforting a visibly upset Pip, and they only had eyes for
each other…
That’s the
mask I should have worn, he thought bitterly as he stomped back to Brookfield.
The Joker. That’s what I am to Pip – and let’s face it, she’s right. She and
Toby are laughing, and the joke’s on me. Ignoring Bert’s kindly offer of cocoa
and a round of gin rummy, he went off to his lonely bed…
To be continued…
Letter to
the Editor
Dear Madam,
My gorgeous
wife Jolene and I would like to thank everyone for their support in helping The
Bull have its best year ever. There have been so many highlights – the fete,
the Olympics, Barry Simmons unveiling his man-bun – and it’s great to feel the
village pub is the beating heart of Ambridge once more.
Not even my
rotten brother David, who tried to ruin me and my business just like he did
when we were little and he used to cheat at Monopoly, could keep us down and
we’re set to make a big, fat profit (but not as as fat as David. He’s really
piled the pounds on over the years, unlike the sleek, manly figure of yours
truly. Let’s just say Jolene isn’t complaining!)
As you read
this, Jolene and I will be celebrating our wedding anniversary sipping chilled
bubbles in the Jacuzzi at Matcham Grange, and raising our glasses to all our
lovely customers (except David.)
Cheers all!
Kenton
Archer
Wonderful, as always - and am glad to report that the email arrived safely, so your fix seems to have worked!
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