Lynda makes peace, Rob makes tracks and Toby makes a plan… a week of many parts in Ambridge

Snell tipped for leading Brexit role

An Ambridge resident has been approached to join the team of top civil servants and diplomats preparing for the UK’s exit from the European Union, the Ambridge Observer can exclusively reveal.

Whitehall headhunters have been tasked with securing Lynda Snell’s services for the years of tough negotiations with Europe that lie ahead.

‘The word has come down from Downing Street,’ said an anonymous insider. ‘The PM heard how Mrs Snell has rescued the Ambridge pantomime – persuading the Grundys and the Carters to take part when they’d flatly refused, stalking Kenton Archer until he finally agreed to play Mother Goose, and even flattering Justin Elliott into taking on the Demon Squire. Mrs May said that compared to talking Susan Carter out of a fit of pique, hammering out trade deals with 27 separate countries will be a walk in the park.’

Commenting from Ambridge Village Hall, where rehearsals for Mother Goose started this week, Mrs Snell said she was ‘honoured’ by the opportunity, but would turn it down. ‘I cannot leave the production at this crucial stage,’ she said. ‘If I turn my back for five minutes, Kate will let the Button sisters and Nathan Booth give us their version of ‘Two Ladies’ from Cabaret. And that will never happen on my watch. I’m afraid Brexit will just have to wait.’

New vet sparks controversial business plan

Much-loved pets and prize livestock may come back to life many years into the future if a new Ambridge business venture takes off as planned.

Joe and Eddie Grundy of Grange Farm are to set up a cryogenics facility, where animals will be deep-frozen until veterinary science is able to cure their diseases.   

‘It was our new vet, Anisha Jayakodi, put us onto it,’ said Eddie Grundy. ‘She reckons she can cure Bartleby’s arthritis by putting his blood in a blender and injecting it back into him, or some such. That got us thinking about medical miracles, and then we saw a film about cryogenics on the telly and we thought, why not? We’ve already got Clarrie’s old freezer in the cider shed and we can pick up plenty more at the tip.’

Eddie’s father Joe said he thought local people would value the service. ‘I’d like to think of old Bartleby good as new and chomping apples when I’m long gone,’ he said. ‘And even if it doesn’t work, let’s face it, no one’s going to be around to want their money back, are they?’

Mr Grundy added that as an introductory offer, they would be giving away six bottles of Borsetshire Beauty single-variety cider to each new customer.

New series: Toby Fairbrother’s Lightbulb Moments

There’s no stopping young entrepreneur Toby Fairbrother! He’s so full of money-making schemes (surely ‘full of BS’? Ed) that he’s agreed to share some of his best with readers each week. ‘I’ve got so many ideas I can’t pursue them all,’ he says. ‘So if others can make them work, good luck to them! Except to my brother Rex, of course.’ Toby’s top tips this week are:

• A salad bar for cows

My girlfriend Pip put me onto this. Buy up bags of salad past their sell-by date, spread ‘em in a field and charge farmers to let their cows graze them. Genius.

• Rent-a-cow flash-mob events

Pip came up with this too – what a girl! Load your cows up in a truck and hire them out to add that unforgettable stampede experience to weddings and parties. Brilliant.

• Worm hire

Adam Macy gave me this tip. Farmers like plenty of worms in the soil to show their mates it’s healthy. So before a farm walk or open day, dig up a couple of bucketfuls and sell them on. Job done – handsome profit.

• Speakeasy

OK, this is my big idea, so no nicking this one, chaps! Make some bathtub gin and flavour it with stuff you’ve picked out of a ditch for that ‘hedgerow aroma’. Completely illegal of course, so you have to sell it to people under the table. Which they soon will be. If they don’t go blind or die. Winner!   

Letter to the Editor

Dear Madam,

Channel 4 has just commissioned a new series of its popular reality show, First Dates, and we’re inviting Borsetshire singletons to audition. We’re especially keen to find real ‘hopeless cases’ – people who can’t seem to find love even though their friends try to smarten them up, offer them plenty of good advice and set them up on dating apps when they’re still dithering.

If they’ve got an embarrassing back-story – such as cheating on their wife with their boss in a tent at a music festival – even better. And a cheesy celebrity angle, like maybe someone whose claim to fame is having met the Pet Shop Boys – is  telly gold.  

If you fit the bill, or have a hapless mate who does, please contact Max Pullin-Power at LoveStruck Productions. Cheers! 

At home with… Rob Titchener

It’s all change for man-about-Borsetshire Rob Titchener. The newly appointed manager of Damara Capital’s estates has recently moved into an executive apartment in the exclusive Paranoid Heights development on the Edgeley Road. With a demanding job and two small sons, Rob has his hands full, but graciously took time out to show us round…

Q What made you choose Paranoid Heights for your new home, Rob?

A The location is ideal for work and the apartments are very well appointed – much more in keeping with my executive status. Look at these laminate floors! Stylish, and any spills are easily mopped up. Not like bloodstains in carpet, heh.

Q So was Paranoid Heights your first choice?

A Well, I had my eye on one of Amside’s properties on Hillside. The owner and I share an employer – Justin Elliott of Damara – so I thought it would be a formality, but she wouldn’t rent it to me. Something about upsetting my so-called wife and her family. Lilian made a mistake there. A big mistake. But anyway, that flat was an over-priced rabbit hutch compared to this.

Q How would you describe your interior design style?

A I’m a simple chap; as long as there’s a gun cupboard and a drinks cabinet, I’m happy. My mother got me some fluffy blankets – throws, are they called? I threw them right back, heh!  My wife used to clutter the place up with girly stuff like soft toys for our son. I soon got rid of them too. Mustn’t mollycoddle the boy, I kept telling her.

Q You have three bedrooms here – do you expect to entertain guests often?

A God no. Can’t stand having people round. If mother comes to stay she can sleep on the couch. No, the bedrooms are for my sons, Henry and Gideon. As soon as I regain custody of the boys, I want them to have their own rooms. Look, I’ve started murals for them already – Tony the Bogeyman for Gideon, and Evil Mummy for Henry. Marvellous, aren’t they?